Guilty

[Boogie8481]

Hello, I have a problem with guilt.  I have been with the same man since highschool (13 years) and he had mentioned that he wanted to have a threesome about 7 years ago.  I said no at first, then after about a year or two, I decided, sure, I'd try it once.  Well then he started looking for someone online that would be into it.  Anyway, I had a friend who was bisexual and I thought I would ask her to if she could.  Well one day, instead of asking her, I grabbed her and kissed her, 3 times.  So then afterward she said no.  Then I just found myself not able to tell my boyfriend.  I tried, but I just didn't want to hurt his feelings, and I didn't want to lose him.  So I didn't tell him until 2 years ago.  Now I feel guilty all the time.  I came clean about everything though.  Even times when I went out without him knowing where I was.  See, he didn't allow me to go out with my friends, or have certain friends for that matter.  So there is an period of like 1 year or 2 that I wasn't as honest as I should have been.  I have come clean about all of this as well.  Some of it I just forgot, or didn't think it was that important to tell him.  Like every time someone hit on me, etc.  So anyway, I keep having these remissions of guilt.  It causes me to be distant and have stomach problems, and I lose sleep until I re-tell him what I am feeling guilty for.  He said all I have to do is apologize, but this isn't good enough for me.  I  can't let go of the guilt.  It just comes back over and over.  Is there anyone who can help me with this problem?  I just want our relationship to work out.  I fear if I keep making him relive what a liar I used to be, we won't be able to move on.

Any help would be beneficial. Thanks.

[teko]

He would not ALLOW you to, pretty much says it all for me. It should for you, too.  Him wanting to have sex with anyone other than you should be a great big red flag. You should only feel guilty for depriving yourself of being your own woman all this time.  Who cares what he thinks about it, it is control! If you do not believe me try telling him he cannot do something or be friends with someone and see what response you get.

[KATE535]

From my perspective there is a very clear explanation for why all that happened before. You were dealing with feeling hurt by your b/f after all those comments and suggestions about other women. Sometimes feeling inadequate (I know I would have hearing my man say that) can lead to seeking reassurance from others, friends, that you're still attractive, still appealing to others. Like getting an outside perspective.
He should never have been expressing interest in other women in the first place. Men keep that sort of thing in their heads because it would probably see them dumped if they ever spoke out to their woman about it. Most men just don't act out their  fantasies. It's better off that way.
What I'm trying to emphasise is You were not wrong. You were hurt by what had been said to you, yes you were happy in your relationship with him when that happened with that girl, but deep down you were still affected by his threesome suggestion. If he were like you (the guilty type) he would be feeling far worse because he was far more wrong than you were by suggesting sex with other women and indulging in porn and lying about it, than you were to see friends, and kiss a girl (which is no big deal).
You honestly have not done anything you should feel bad about, since your partner is responsible for that patch when you hung out with friends etc. He was not making you feel special and loved by wanting sex with other women, and telling you so. So you were bound to react the way you did.
Don't feel guilty towards him, when he clearly doesn't have any guilt about himself, and he sees no wrong in saying a hurtful thing like he wants to have sex with another woman.

[Boogie8481]

Thanks you are right.  I should look at it as being positive.  And at first I was very mad that he asked me that because he had asked me to marry him, and said I was the only women he wanted for the rest of his life.  He even threw all of his porn away to prove it to me, which he didn't have to do. But after he got me to believe him about all of that he made comments about this girl my brother was dating and how he would like to see me and her together, and that we looked exactly the same--and we didn't.  This hurt, among other comments he made about other girls after he moved 40 miles away from me.  Then a few years later he asked me about the threesome.  I was shocked and hurt.  I didn't understand how he could want another woman and expect me to be intimate with her.  He had started looking at porn again and lying about it, so I think this is where he got the idea from, not sure. He said he thought it would be fun for the both of us.  I didn't see how since I was completely straight.  I mean, I had been curious in my life about being intimate with women, but not to the point where I would go through with it.  He never even knew about that before anyway, so I had no idea where he thought that would come from.  After this, I spent a lot of my time contemplating this because he tried to break up with me over it, because I wasn't as adventurous as he was.  Then I decided maybe I wasn't, and I was going to breakup with him, but then he said he loved me and that he didn't want to lose me. I had been 20 when he proposed this.  Then when I was about 22, I had a dirty dream about it, and decided to just try it once.  I told him my feelings and he was all happy because he had said he had given up on it.  This is why I don't blame him, because he'd make comments, but not try to harass me over it, and then I brought it up.  So then it went from there.  I felt very insecure in the first place, then this whole thing made it worse.  And I knew he was lying about something, I got that feeling in my gut.  So I thought it was ok to party with my friends behind his back.  This started a long line of lying for me.  Some things I just forgot.  Like one of my guy friends tried to kiss me.  I pushed him away, Nothing happened.  I dont' remember whether I forgot to tell him or I just didn't.  Stuff like that.  But I cheated on him in one of the happiest parts of our relationship, and I can't figure out why I would do this.  I loved him very much and I don't get it. If I loved him how could I do this?  Why?  And this is why I can't forgive myself.  You are right, I should look at it positively because I can be open with him.  I feel much better now being honest.  Its almost addictive to be honest.  I have come a long way from where I used to be.  I just still can't get over the fact that I could hurt someone I love so much.

[KATE535]

Ok then forget what I was saying about being very young, but still you are sorry for what happened and that should be enough, alsol there are still lots of positives you can draw from your relationship as it stands now, and the honesty you have with eachother -

(I'm repeating a little here)
If he hasn't got a problem with it then you should be able to move on from this. You didn't do anything major, and besides you only kissed that girl because you were being curious about how you may feel about being intimate with a female (since he'd suggested the whole threesome thing, maybe it's his fault for that? don't you see him as wanting to cheat a little by suggesting it?
I would kick my man in the ***** if he ever asked me to have a threesome with another woman, that's an open assertion that he wants sex with someone else - I think you have been good not to see him in the wrong for that).
Anyway, the lying has stopped now and you're at a point in your relationship with your partner where honesty isn't a problem. See this positively - that you have reached a good understanding with eachother, that your relationship has matured, that you can confide in him about anything....  What matters is the way you are with your partner now.

So the rest still stands.

[Boogie8481]

Thanks for the response.  But this was only 6 years ago when I was like 24 and I think that I was old enough not to do stupid things like cheat on my boyfriend.  I wish I had done this as a teenager, then I could just say I was very young, but I wasn't and the whole thing haunts me like a nightmare.  But I am 100% honest with him.  I even tell him most of my thoughts about everything, even if I know it could start a fight.  But still, even when I think things are wonderful in our relationship, the overwhelming guilt comes back and I can't get rid of the sick feeling in my stomach unless I tell him again what  I had done, or what someone did to me, or said to me. I just don't know what to do.

[KATE535]

If he hasn't got a problem with it anymore, or doesn't make you feel guilty about it by bringing it up or anything, then you should be able to move on from this. From what you've described, you didn't do anything major, and besides you only kissed that girl because you were being curious about how you may feel about being intimate with a female (since he'd suggested the whole threesome thing). At least the lying has stopped and you're at a point in your relationship with your partner where honesty isn't a problem. Why not see this positively - that you have reached a good understanding with eachother, that your relationship has matured, that you can confide in him about anything.... You were obviously really young back then, people are not the same as when they were in school, so see yourself as having grown-up and maturing since then. What matters is the way you are with your partner now - if you still lie, then yes, it would be understanable that you often feel guilty but really, there is no need to worry about so long ago.
Life is too short to dwell about things you should just forget, that aren't important (someone once told me - it made me think quite a lot...)