HUsband of three years has no desire for ME...but likes to view other women....

[Kath72]

my husband of three years wants no sex.  I was pregnany 2 times during this three years, but am attractive and did not gain a lo of weight.  He never touched me during both pregnancies.  I had a baby in June, and have been back to my pre-baby body for 3 months now and still no interest.  I asked him about it, and he said when he has stress he has no sexual urge.  Well, I found what has been making him tick.  In his trash file on his computer he has videos and pics of naked women.  I have not brought it up to him but am welling with anger.  I remain composed, but I'm going to crack soon.....What do I do?  Please don't mention sex therapy, or marraige counciling....direct input please!!!

[reelman]

I am a minister, i have been married for 20 years, and have at times had problems with pornography.  My wife has IC and sex is painful, so our sex life has been very spotty.  I have also counseled many people, and sex is almost always a part of marriage problems.  I agree that this is s symptom of a deeper problem rather than the problem itself.  For me, porn was an outlet. For your husband, it sounds like a substitute.  The defensiveness is a guilt thing, and confronting him probably won't make him quit the behavior, just find another way to do it without being caught.  Regardless of your looks, if there is an intimacy problem it indicates dissatisfaction with the relationship in general, and therapy may help get to the bottom of it.  Also, you may simply ask him if there is anything about the WAY you make love that is unfulfilling for him.  Sometimes guys bring baggage (girls too) into their marriage and there is a comparison thing going on.  Also, realize that porn is a fantasy life where there is no commitment and little risk, which may be his attraction to it.  It won't mattter if all that happens takes 3-5 minutes when he's by himself because the actors can't critique him.  On the other hand, he may have anxiety issues about satisfying you

[Londres70]

Keep us posted.

All the best.

Bonjour!!

[specialmom]

Good luck Kath!  You are so right that when their is tension between mom and dad, it sets the tone for the whole house.  

Meaningful discussion is what is key here and being able to get him to open up is hard if he feels attacked.  You have every right to share your disappointment and hurt and should but within the context of him understanding your feelings while you are trying to understand his----  so you can find common ground to work on to save your marriage.  

I know everyone that has posted here has your best interest at heart.  I again, wish you luck dear.

[Kath72]

Wow, great advice (from all of you).  Very well put; thank you for taking time to write such helpful words, i mean that.   Will certainly talk to him in a non judgemental approach.  Hopefully tonight.  My 2.5 year old is picking up the tension, as is my 4 month old.  while I'm mentioning it,, so are the dogs....

Thank you again all who replied. Will let you know.  

[specialmom]

My advice had nothing to do with yours but it seems by your quick response using my words that you thought it did.  Just trying to help the poster as all here are trying to do.  

Good luck to Kath.  Hard to have two little ones and try to sort out a marriage.  Hope she is able to have a happy ending here.  

[Londres70]

Like I stated, he is upset because he has been caught and doesn't know how to get out of this.  Good thing you did find out he was doing this behind your back so that you know what you are dealing with.  His actions are affecting the marriage.  Yeah, I would say he is in "trouble" and don't see a problem confronting him because he is wrong.  

Hopefully, he will be honest about what in the heck is going on with him.