Wow, great advice (from all of you). Very well put; thank you for taking time to write such helpful words, i mean that. Will certainly talk to him in a non judgemental approach. Hopefully tonight. My 2.5 year old is picking up the tension, as is my 4 month old. while I'm mentioning it,, so are the dogs....
Thank you again all who replied. Will let you know.
Good luck Kath! You are so right that when their is tension between mom and dad, it sets the tone for the whole house.
Meaningful discussion is what is key here and being able to get him to open up is hard if he feels attacked. You have every right to share your disappointment and hurt and should but within the context of him understanding your feelings while you are trying to understand his---- so you can find common ground to work on to save your marriage.
I know everyone that has posted here has your best interest at heart. I again, wish you luck dear.
Keep us posted.
All the best.
Bonjour!!
I am a minister, i have been married for 20 years, and have at times had problems with pornography. My wife has IC and sex is painful, so our sex life has been very spotty. I have also counseled many people, and sex is almost always a part of marriage problems. I agree that this is s symptom of a deeper problem rather than the problem itself. For me, porn was an outlet. For your husband, it sounds like a substitute. The defensiveness is a guilt thing, and confronting him probably won't make him quit the behavior, just find another way to do it without being caught. Regardless of your looks, if there is an intimacy problem it indicates dissatisfaction with the relationship in general, and therapy may help get to the bottom of it. Also, you may simply ask him if there is anything about the WAY you make love that is unfulfilling for him. Sometimes guys bring baggage (girls too) into their marriage and there is a comparison thing going on. Also, realize that porn is a fantasy life where there is no commitment and little risk, which may be his attraction to it. It won't mattter if all that happens takes 3-5 minutes when he's by himself because the actors can't critique him. On the other hand, he may have anxiety issues about satisfying you
Thank you for your insight Reelman!
Interesting insight. I just need to keep my cool and see how things go. It REALLY bothers me that he won't come clean and admit a lot of things to me. He went out this afternoon to watch football somewhere (I'm fine with it!) and came home very tired....smoking pot? I don't know. He is in bed with my daughter- fell asleep reading to her. I just have a bad vibe about him. Last night he said he was glad I talked with him about the problems we have been having: Yes specialmom and Londes70 I sat him down to talk- last Monday. He said he was going to let this wholesituation dissolve on it's own, and glad I spoke up. I was like..."aahhh...(that was a huge deal" (asking him about the porn and getting made up reasons) I did not know how to respond to this comment. I remain stuck.