Have you ever felt like someone/date deserved better than you?

[calmshell]

I've had anxiety many years, and it has prevented me even dating. I feel tainted b/c of awful debilitating abuse from my manic , ill mother. I felt who would want me? I felt I'm weaker than other women for going through this..I don't feel 'confiden't at all like other women. I feel a guy will sense that and ditch me. I think, if he finds out I have anxiety and even anxiety in certain situations, he'd reject me. Then I think, would they deserve someone better than me? :/  Has anyone felt this way when attempting to date? I'm with a therapist now but it is very slow going. I just don't WANT to feel so much less b/c of the abuse and anxiety, but I fear a man would not stay with me long. It HURTS so much, so I don't even try to date ... any tips /experience welcome.

[Nighthawk61]

There are many men that are equipped to help and love a women that has been hurt. It is important of course, for you to work through your problems with a therapist Are you working with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for your automatic negative thoughts about yourself?  There's a lot of information for you to get started, lots of work books online that  I think if you were to look into it, you might get a lot of relief from it, maybe even an epiphany that will give you a whole new outlook on your situation. I know that at around 40 i came to some huge realizations and became clean and sober, finally able to see and put into practice, that my abusers were not going to take my joy any longer. Maybe this is the stage you are at now? I'm so glad that you are working with a therapist. Make sure you're happy working with the therapist that you have. If you're not moving fast enough in your treatment it might be a case of not being with the right therapist. I know it's hard to move on from a therapist, but in some cases, it's what's required to have timely milestones in your treatment. All the best. I'm here if you ever need to talk.

[Nighthawk61]

In answer though to your question. Yes I have. But no more  because i give myself full credit for what's lovable about myself.

[Nighthawk61]

In answer though to your question. Yes I have. But no more  because i give myself full credit for what's lovable about myself.

[calmshell]

Thanks Nighthawk!! Your words were so uplifting and kind, thank you REAllY. I have not done CBT yet but am in therapy. Yes it is very slow going She is a social worker actually. She had listed trauma as a specialty but I think that is something she might just 'touch' on, as she just nods and almost 'probably' doesnt even believ e what has gone on ? (with my sociopathic abusive mother). I feel I'm weak and bad and that guys want someone confident. I even get situational anxiety, like if I'm too far in the woods, or with someone I don't know well (aka a new date) , I feel I'd get panicky and I fear a guy will think I'm strange :( That makes me decline any interest in me, and year after year it is beginning to make me so sad. I just want to ONCE feel I'm ok for one date and even if it went NO where, that I could sit there and not have anxiety about when he'd ditch me, what he's thinking, or if I'm ABOUT to get a panicky feel sitting there ... ugh. I hate anxiety so much - it stems from a need to feel accepted and that you won't be (b/c of the way I was never EVER accepted by my mom).  Or that I simply am not good enough. I'm sorry to babble... ty so so much. I will re- read your message b/c it was wonderful. I'm glad you said, 'forget this!' and said your abuse r could not TAAKE your joy. Was it a bf/parent or ??

[specialmom]

Gosh, I'm going to be honest.  No, I've not felt like that.  And I've been through some poop too.  Some serious things happened but I believe, those are what make me as strong as I am!  And the things you've been through have made you stronger.  When I suffered a tragedy 20 years ago, I was lost.  I started to think "why me?  what did I do to deserve this?  How could this have happened?"  But I found great peace when I switched thinking to trying to find what was the gift that came of the tragedy.  There is always a gift sweetie.  I have compassion and empathy based on my experience that I can't explain how deep it is.  I learned valuable things about myself.  I learned what I should do instead of what the person involved in the tragedy did.  I sought out the gift of the experience even though it was an experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!  No matter how negative the situation, we grow in some positive way from it if we seek to do so.

Anxiety is a disorder and illness like all others. We do have to treat it and work on it regularly.  There is no shame in that!  I'm really glad you are working with a therapist.  Remember therapy is for an hour a week, you have to work on it outside of therapy to reap the full benefit.  

A man worthy of loving you will love the whole you.  The you that is vulnerable.  The you that has been hurt.  The you that has self doubt. But you can also work on improving things like your self confidence and sense of inner self.  Have you ever made a full list of things you think are positives about yourself?  I bought my son a journal and it has all sorts of things in it.  It's almost like a scrap book.  He has written a list that is ongoing of things he finds he likes about himself or his life.  Little things to huge things.  And he will periodically read it.  

Anyway, we are all a work in progress.  Really.  Hang in there.  hugs

[calmshell]

That means so much THank you :) Yes I do have a journal and I'm just starting to write good things I like about 'me', to begin a foundation. I'm so sorry you went through a trauma :( *HUGGG* It really feels like your world is not what others see/go through- it is a dark world, and shrouded.  
The abuse I had was endless, cruel and not even one OUNCE of compassion, ever. Even as a seven year old girl I'd be locked out of my house, terrified, when I didn't 'obey' my mom and come in on the 'first' calling. I was led to believe into even adult years, I'm bad, weak, stupid, small and 'rebellious'. (even stating why what she was saying in an incident wasn't true, was 'rebellious'). So now I doubt a lot of anything I feeel, if I'm right, if I'm strong or weak etc. And then I ponder, a guy deserves more right?
So i decline anyone b/c I'm SO nervous that they'd judge me and feel I'm low and not as up to 'par' as other women. yet I AM loving, humorous, conscientious and compassionate. My mind NEVER thinks of those when even thinking of dating... it just says, 'he'll see your anxiety even on a first date, and ditch you'.. then  I fear because I can't do LOT s of adventurous things (anxiety) , I fear that how can I even start to date if I can't say 'where'/if I might want a relationship to lead/go? Others though said, 'Take it slow, I don't have to know WHERE it leads or IF it will lead anywhere. ' Just have fun. Thanks so much for your words , they were wonderful Special.. you are a GREAT person and just such a TRUE spirit here. *hugggg *