Aa
Help Please
Ok, my boyfriend of 15 yrs just told me that I wasted his life by being with him. We got together young, had a long distance relationship, he promised to be faithful and marry me. He was faithful but he started looking at porn all the time, and soon asked to have a 3some, which really hurt me. Then after a few years I agreed to the threesome. Then I cheated on him with a girl who I thought would be a good fit, but she wasn't and I was ashamed to tell him. Then I did tell him, and ever since, he is hurt, and I understand, but its been 4 almost 5 years since I told him. Then I had an epiphany...I was still hurt by what he did years ago. So the reason I had issues when looked @ other girls and watched porn is cuz of that. I told him and said I was sorry, and now he won't forgive me for having resentment. And now I don't know what to do to make him feel better. Its been 3 months since I told him my epiphany, and he just doesn't drop it. I asked what I can do to make it up to him and all he kept saying is that he wants to be irresponsible like I got to be. So I don't know what to do. Do I let him go out with other girls?
I am sorry to say this so bluntly; You need to seek therapy. He needs help as well, but unfortunately he refuses. You all need to NOT be together. Sounds very co-dependent (you depend on him to treat you like crap and he depends on you to abuse), creepy and unhealthy. Plus, a bunch of goofy/weird drama.
This man has TOTALLY warped your mind. He has convinced you that you are the source of all his problems. Well, if he feels that way then he SHOULD have LEFT you long ago. Sounds like stays because he enjoys emotionally abusing you; which is what he is doing and you are allowing it. I don't know what his past history is with gfs, family, etc. but there probably was abuse somewhere in the equation.
Get out of this, get some therapy and move on.
This man has TOTALLY warped your mind. He has convinced you that you are the source of all his problems. Well, if he feels that way then he SHOULD have LEFT you long ago. Sounds like stays because he enjoys emotionally abusing you; which is what he is doing and you are allowing it. I don't know what his past history is with gfs, family, etc. but there probably was abuse somewhere in the equation.
Get out of this, get some therapy and move on.
Boogie - this is not a good guy. Just maybe a small thing in the scheme of things,.... but you said in your last post to me he tells you the women he watches in porn are 'sexy'? He is TRYING to hurt and upset you. Why would a guy say this to his partner after watching porn?
Put this together with him obsessing about a thresome, and always wanting to 'even the score' and saying he wants to 'behave irresponsibly' as you did ......he will ALWAYS hold this over your head....he will always act as the 'hurt' person who can do as he wants because he was 'wronged' and he will always torment you over it. He is not a good guy that you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you do? - these issues probably wont end unfortunately. You are still young enough that there is time to find a genuinely nice guy without this nasty petty streak that your current boyfriend has.
I know that sounds blunt.... but I think because you are in the middle of it you 'can't see the woods from the trees' as they say. But us reading it can....
Good luck and best wishes.
Put this together with him obsessing about a thresome, and always wanting to 'even the score' and saying he wants to 'behave irresponsibly' as you did ......he will ALWAYS hold this over your head....he will always act as the 'hurt' person who can do as he wants because he was 'wronged' and he will always torment you over it. He is not a good guy that you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you do? - these issues probably wont end unfortunately. You are still young enough that there is time to find a genuinely nice guy without this nasty petty streak that your current boyfriend has.
I know that sounds blunt.... but I think because you are in the middle of it you 'can't see the woods from the trees' as they say. But us reading it can....
Good luck and best wishes.
You know, I haven't really been on much but it pains me to see that you are still posting the same issues over the same relationship. Specialmom is right, this has been going on for WAY too long. My advice to you will be the same as it was the other times you asked for advice. Move on. This relationship hasn't been healthy, EVER!!! I feel like what is the point in even giving you advice if you won't take it anyway. I hate to even sound like that but at some point, you need to stop asking advice and do something. Only you can change your life. You don't want to wake up one day and realize that you've wasted your life away with a man who really wasn't worth it. Fifteen years is too many. Sorry, but I feel like he will always use the cheating as a form of power over you. He will use it to make you feel like you owe him something. This way, he can belittle you and make you feel like you deserve it, since you cheated. He was rotten to you way before you even did that. I just think you should do some self reflection and re-evaluate your life.
Thanks for your advice. I found it very helpful. I have tried to work on myself for the past six months and it has worked off and on. I guess I am not concentrating on myself as much as I thought.
UGH.... I shouldn't take the "religious bait" but I've bitten. I'm not knocking religion, but if religion were the answer, no religious people would have problems. This is a human problem. Humans, all humans are capable of making mistakes, even the holiest of the bunch.
Listen, you've been given loads of strong, valid information above regarding your issue. If not for you, you've voiced his reluctance about seeing a therapist.
The thing with forgiveness is, in order to be forgiven we have to be able to forgive ourselves. Learning true forgiveness is probably one of the hardest lessons to learn because it comes from within. You have to look at what you've done, embrace it, know it fully, completely own what you've done, and then be willing to walk away. Also, the judging needs to stop. He judges you, you judge yourself, you judge what he's done, and then you try to compare it all. It just isn't necessary, and you'll never find forgiveness there.
Listen, you've got to quit looking at things and judging or labeling them as either good or bad. There is a giant space between those two words. There is no good or bad, there are just outcomes. Some look better than others, sure. But that's it.... what you learn from these outcomes makes the difference.
Him dropping it or you dropping it and just trying to move forward will produce more dysfunction. If he is unwilling to see a therapist, you ought to consider it for yourself. I mean no disrespect when I say this, but you sound really, really needy when you say that " you want him to love you". A therapist, a good therapist is not going to judge you. That is not their job. A therapist is going to help you acknowledge your problems, address them, and help make you a stronger person. You've got a lot of self doubt and self esteem issues.
Worst case scenario for you right now is that this relationship does not work out, correct? You need to really work on yourself. Working on you will help you make it on the other end if it doesn't work out. Also, woking on you can better help you help him with his problems. This takes work on both of your behalves. If one or neither of you will be willing to do the work, the relationship is doomed. Get help for yourself, if nobody else.
Listen, you've been given loads of strong, valid information above regarding your issue. If not for you, you've voiced his reluctance about seeing a therapist.
The thing with forgiveness is, in order to be forgiven we have to be able to forgive ourselves. Learning true forgiveness is probably one of the hardest lessons to learn because it comes from within. You have to look at what you've done, embrace it, know it fully, completely own what you've done, and then be willing to walk away. Also, the judging needs to stop. He judges you, you judge yourself, you judge what he's done, and then you try to compare it all. It just isn't necessary, and you'll never find forgiveness there.
Listen, you've got to quit looking at things and judging or labeling them as either good or bad. There is a giant space between those two words. There is no good or bad, there are just outcomes. Some look better than others, sure. But that's it.... what you learn from these outcomes makes the difference.
Him dropping it or you dropping it and just trying to move forward will produce more dysfunction. If he is unwilling to see a therapist, you ought to consider it for yourself. I mean no disrespect when I say this, but you sound really, really needy when you say that " you want him to love you". A therapist, a good therapist is not going to judge you. That is not their job. A therapist is going to help you acknowledge your problems, address them, and help make you a stronger person. You've got a lot of self doubt and self esteem issues.
Worst case scenario for you right now is that this relationship does not work out, correct? You need to really work on yourself. Working on you will help you make it on the other end if it doesn't work out. Also, woking on you can better help you help him with his problems. This takes work on both of your behalves. If one or neither of you will be willing to do the work, the relationship is doomed. Get help for yourself, if nobody else.
This may get me booed off the stage but that is the reason God instituted one man for one woman.... a few things to me keep relationships on very weak ground: sex before marriage (any man that cannot show his love and respect for his chosen spouse by keeping himself under control is not a man.), not having a good bible believing church that you both happily attend (ths would've made a threesome or porn a non-issue) and it will help you thru tough times that all marriages go thru, and you must agree on your style of living... is to be outlandish, frugal, irresponsible, ect. I truly am sorry for your troubles.... your can't change the past, but you can walk thru the door of the local bible believing church and try to have a future.... all my best
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