Help Please

[boogiefly]

Ok, my boyfriend of 15 yrs just told me that I wasted his life by being with him. We got together young, had a long distance relationship, he promised to be faithful and marry me. He was faithful but he started looking at porn all the time, and soon asked to have a 3some, which really hurt me. Then after a few years I agreed to the threesome. Then I cheated on him with a girl who I thought would be a good fit, but she wasn't and I was ashamed to tell him. Then I did tell him, and ever since, he is hurt, and I understand, but its been 4 almost 5 years since I told him. Then I had an epiphany...I was still hurt by what he did years ago. So the reason I had issues when looked @ other girls and watched porn is cuz of that. I told him and said I was sorry, and now he won't forgive me for having resentment. And now I don't know what to do to make him feel better. Its been 3 months since I told him my epiphany, and he just doesn't drop it. I asked what I can do to make it up to him and all he kept saying is that he wants to be irresponsible like I got to be. So I don't know what to do. Do I let him go out with other girls?

[boogiefly]

Also, I just wanted to clarify something. Porn isn't the issue now, as it was in the beginning when he hurt me by looking at it. I have accpeted him for who he is. Also, I look at it with him now because of my curiosity about women. The problem was that he won't let what I did go. Also, he won't forgive me for being upset for a long time. See, I had thought I accepted that he looked at it years ago, but I didn't properly deal with it, so it had always bothered me, even after I told him he could look at it and I didn't care, but sometimes I would feel bad when he would say how sexy they were. Now it doesn't bother me cuz I realized I had this issue. So the problem is that he is mad at me for being hurt for too long. And for me cheating. I just wanted to know if anyone had any ideas how I can ease his pain.

[boogiefly]

I have tried to tell him to let this all go. And I have been working on myslef for the last couple of years, but he seems to go back to it all the time. I just love him so much and want to make him happy. I just want him to love me, and he says he does, or he wouldn't be with me. He says he uses the porn as an escape from the pain I have caused him, and a threesome has been his fantasy for years, even before he met me, but he didn't mention it until a few years in, so it was a shock. But I know part of our issues are my fault cuz I made a huge mistake, but I just want him to stop being hurt, and that pain I caused doesn't happen overnight. I really do want to make this work, and I DO want to go to therapy as well, but I feel also like they will judge me because I cheated on him with a girl. I just don't know how to make him forgive me and still want so much to forgive myself for this great offense.

[perch101]

I also don't know why you would want to stay with this guy who badgers you for threesomes and has a porn problem and holds resentment, but since you seem to be intent on staying with him.......

It must be SO stressful to be in a relationship where you are both constantly arguing about who 'has something on the other' who has done worse.

I think for this to be a healthy and enjoyable relationship you both need to agree that you've both made mistakes and will start again on a fresh page.

If this is not achievable....(and I have a feeling it isn't but you never know)  I would walk away. Or you will spend the rest of your life like this, with this constant insecurity and drama in your relationship...

[brice1967]

Honestly, pornography sounds like the least of your troubles.  There are a few levels of dysfunction in your relationship.  Some of it is your responsibility and some of it is his.  Worse than that, information I have gathered from the above posts suggests that this has been going on for quite some time.  Apparently neither of you is willing to offer any consolations, so that firmly lands you in this stand still.  Until there are changes made, you can safely assume that the relationship will remain as rocky as it is or continue to spiral out of control.

Both of you need to make changes, and both of you need to be on the same page.  A conversation between the both of you should cover if there is a chance that this can be worked out, or not.  With that, all options on working on this need to be gone over.

I agree with specialmom.  If he won't go to therapy, you go by yourself.  Why would you want to continue to live with all of this insecurity?  

[specialmom]

As I said boogiefly, you've had this issue with this man for a long long time.  How would being with another woman make him closer to you?  

My husband is not into porn.  I know because it doesn't bother me and he's never been interested in it.  He thinks it is funny and finds the people in it fake.  Does nothing for him.  

Anyway, at some point you two will have to move passed this.  You've been stuck with these same issues and questions for a couple of years at least.  

If he won't go to therapy, you should go by yourself.  I think it would help you a lot.  good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

boogie, there are plenty of guys out there who do not want threesomes and would not do what your guy is doing.  But even more to the point, even if there are not (you somehow seem to think this guy is normal), this guy in particular does not do you any good.  It's better to be free and on your own than to be with someone who has you tied up in emotional knots.