Help for a seperation

[Crystlas]

Hello all.  My, was fiance, and I are seperated for four months.  He left two weeks ago.  The reason we are seperated is that I was diagnosed bipolar a year ago January and have been struggling with serious problems dealing with it.  On top of that, I was still having PTSD problems from an abusive marriage.  This man and I are the first serious thing I have had since my marriage ended 8 years ago.  I am also co-dependent and have been in a 12 step group and doing remarkable.  I also wrote my ex a letter to close that chapter in my life and my PTSD is vertually gone.  I have made such strides with everything.  However, I got deeply depressed after I graduated from college in December.  I tried to commit  suicide and he found me.  I got taken to a wonderful mental hospital and I am now on the right medications, feeling so stable.  I am really getting better.  However, for him, he is traumatized by all of this and living with each other is not an option right now.  I stayed in our apartment and he moved back to his hometown to stay with his parents so that he can see his therapist and he transferred his job there.  He is having nothing to do with me, while I try to talk to him and share things.  We were so close and planning a wedding before all of this happened.  Now it is grim and my engagement ring sits in my jewlery box.  I tried to tell him I missed him and loved him.  He got upset and feels like I am attacking him and needs space, nothing more.  He told me to bug off and will not talk to me at all now.  I am in this apartment and miserable.  I go see friends, I start a job tomorrow, and I have friends over.  But when I am alone I am reminded of everything.  I am sleeping in our bed alone where we would make love, hold each other and curl up together to sleep.  I eat my meals alone and I love too cook, but I am not cooking for him.  I feel empty inside and I feel like vice grips are around my heart.  How does a woman deal with a seperation from the man she loves, while staying in their home?  I need support right now.  He will not give it to me and that hurts so very deeply.  Please help me to figure out a way to make it four months w/o him.  Thank you.

[Crystlas]

Both of you said things that hit home.  I appriciate all you have shared to assist me, as well as, everyone in this thread.  I had a really hard day yesterday, but today, I am doing ok, not great, but ok.  He called, I did not answer the phone.  I am not going to speak with him until he leaves a voice mail or an email telling me what he wants.  I put all of the rest of his stuff in my back room, that was his studio.  It is now a storage area and a place for my cats to play.  It is all back there so I do not have to look at it.  I also came to the conclusion that if he does not believe in me and trust that I am on the right path with everything, he can kiss off.  I am done.  It is not worth having to fight for someone that really acts as though they do not want to be there.  It is a waste of time.  I do love him deeply, but that has to be returned in order for the relationship to work.  I know his purpose in being in my life for a short period of time, it was to save me.  If I had been living alone that day, I would not be here right now.  Luckly, he took the necessary steps to prevent that.  I will always be grateful for that.  I also wrote him a letter, saying everything I needed to say.  I have not given it to him yet, and won't until he is communicating with me on a civil level.  The letter included basically what I just wrote, along with who I do deserve in my life.  A man that is dedicated and understanding about bipolar disorder.  If Joel does not decide he is that person, then why try to keep him?  I can not, due to the fact that I need someone that will be with me through thick and thin, not running for the hills when times get tough.  So, ladies, I am just ok with it all.  I know I will sleep better tonight, I slept very disturingly last night.  However, I tend to bounce back pretty quickly.  I really have no choice or this disorder will consume me, and I do not want that to happen.  I know I am not done greiving over this and I know I have more tears to shed. I do love me and if a man can not love me like I love me, then he can go elsewhere.  Joel would have to really prove himself right now for me to consider letting him near me.  The things I stated for a good relationship are the things I can offer to a relationship and I believe in it being team worked, not one sided and quite frankly the man has exhausted me!!  Thank you so very much for being here.      

[spacecadette]

I feel as though it would probably be best to put everything else aside and focus on YOU.  Your post says you have quite a bit of issues you are trying to focus on.  And while you say you're doing better, I would give it time.  It is SOO difficult...I completely understand.  But in order to be strong in our relationships, that and in order to have LASTING relationships, we need to be able to be emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually stable.  Right now...it's all about YOU...try to re define the foundation on which you stand.  What is it that makes you happy......???  Besides him....? maybe a vacation with a group of girls?? A yoga class?? Maybe even get on match.com just to "see what's out there." I'm just saying....there's a whole lot of living to do out there....and it doesn't always require a man to help us do it....I'm praying for you....all the best...

[mayflowers]

Break-ups aren't easy for anyone.  It's normal to feel so hurt your body aches.  It's normal to be scared and not sleep and not eat and not be able to concentrate.  That will happen for a while.  Then one day, you will wake up and feel ok and suddenly you'll know that life will really be ok for you again.  No one knows when that day will happen for you but it will happen.   I really wish you well, it sounds like you have been through a lot but you have also overcome so much in your life already.  That is something you really should be proud of yourself for doing.  You got out of an abusive marriage, struggled with illness and yet managed to graduate college.  I see a lot of hope in you and what you can do with your future.   Hang in there and know that if you just want to vent, you have this forum or the local crisis center, whatever works for you.  A lot of people are pulling for you.  Take care, Andrea

[Crystlas]

He tells me today that he is probably leaving.  He said he has 3 months to really decide.  I am giving it an 80% at this time that he will.  I have been so upset all day long.  He said that he just can not deal with someone that is bipolar.  He said he has this image of me that is different and that he changed through this.  He also said that his therapist told him that I am unhealthy for his life.  He said he only loves me as a friend now.  I am angry guys.  I am hurt and need to figure out how to get rid of this achy feeling inside.  My heart hurts too, literally hurts.  I did cook myself a nice dinner and I am going to watch something silly on tv while quilting.  I am trying to be ok, I have cried so much.  I was trying to quilt a patch and ended up sewing it backwards.  That threw me into another fit of tears.  Here is something I am very talented at and I messed that up.  I ended up calling my local crisis line to talk to a counselor.  My emotions are all over the place.  I am so scared that I will get deeply depressed again, I am feeling depressed now.  I do not want to have another attempt.  This situation is scary for me.  Sorry if I sound like I am all over the place, but I am un-nerved and unsettled right now.  I feel so very fortunate that you folks are in my life.  It really helps me.  

[Crystlas]

Thank you for sharing your experience about your loved ones having tried to commit.  I guess the more and more I gain advice from all of you, as well as, with my therapist and family members, it might just sink in.  Everyone is saying the same kinds of things to me.  It makes it easier to believe.  I am just so scared of losing him.  I am very strong willed and determined to stay stable and be the very best social worker I can.  I love myself no matter what.  With my attempt, it was more like me just wanting that deep, ucky, horrible pain and depression to just go away.  I wanted to just go to sleep.  Now that I am getting stable I feel like myself again and I am enjoying that.  It is so hard to just give him space.  He told me quite clearly today to leave him alone until further notice.  That hurts.  We spent every waking moment with each other before this happened.  We are? or were? best friends.  I just do not know anymore.  I have no choice but to leave him alone and let him go to his therapy sessions and hopefully work through this.  I feel this crushing sensation around my heart and I long to just hold him.  Imagine having to be away from your husband, with no contact, until he decides to talk to you.  This is going to be a hard 4 months.  I am sad and feel achy inside.  I hope it gets easier.  If I could talk to him and share our days with each other I would be ok.  It is hard to trust the situation.  I hope I did not damage our union for good.   Thank you for sharing.  

[agamommy]

My dad tried to kill himself almost a year ago. He is so lucky to be alive right now. He doesn't have bipolar but has experienced exrtreme depression since the divorce with my step mom. To see what he was going thru and to see that he thought that there was no reason to live, it was very hard on all my brothers and sisters. We where so worried about him, but also very angry that he put us throught that. I am also very familar with bipolar, my mom has had it for 33 years, I have witnessed on numerous occasions of her try to commit suicide. ( this is when I was a child) Not only do you need to come to terms of your illness, but so does he. I am so glad to here that you are on some good meds,  It took my mom 25 years to find the right one and she lost so much. My mom could not take care of us, so we lived with my dad.

Give him his space. Let him work it out. It sounds like he cares, he is going to therapy, right? My dad left my mom 34 years ago because she had a nervous brake down, You don't want that to happen to you. It sounds like you are on the right road to recovery, keep up the good work. Now let him work on himself. Good luck!