Confused/sad

[fltricia]

I've been with my boyfriend for four years.  We are both 30.  I really love him and care about him.  He is my best friend.  He has some flaws and I have come to just accept him for the way he is....he can be tight with money, he's not very affectionate but responds to my requests for it, and he can be self centered at times when it comes to working out.  I know he loves me and is committed to me in many ways.  He recently told me the reason he hasn't bought a condo is because he knows I want to live in a house and I already have a condo.  Things like that make me think he must see some future with me.  But he has told me that he isn't ready to get married or plan a family because he wants to be financially able to provide and that he thinks marriage is very serious.  He went through his parents divorce and I wonder if that affects his outlook on marriage.  

I am happy with our relationship for the most part but I had 3 friends get engaged over the summer and it makes me wonder when it will be right for us.  I feel like my life is kind of on pause while he figures out what he wants to do.  We don't really talk about the future, but I hear that other couples sit around and fantasize about the future.   He said if he won the lottery he would marry me and we would buy a house in the tropics.  That is the most he has talked about the future voluntarily.   Any advise....?  I've had the blues all week since hearing that 2 of my friends were engaged.

[fltricia]

Half of my boyfriends friends have recently become engaged and the other half still live at home at 30 and travel and work random jobs.  He is a professional and works at a bank full time and is for now living with his grandmother to save up for a house.  

I left him on Friday.  I told him I loved him but unless he was at least ready to tell me I am the one or that he can see a real future with me than I have to move on.  It has been hard but I'm focusing on myself right now.

For today I am optimistic that either he will come back and realize that I am the one or that I will meet someone else who can give me a future of love and affection plus all of the great qualities my former boyfriend had.    Please pray for me to be strong and I will pray for all of you to do the same.

[Fuzzz]

Does he have friends?  When they start getting married, all of a sudden he'll be ready, whether he's with your or somebody else.

[cp1982]

I know how you feel as well. It was difficult for me to read these passages, yet the empathy was comforting, knowing that I was not alone. My boyfriend is much older, just shy of 37 and I just turned 27. We will have been together two years in January and on a superficial level the relationship is wonderful. I've emerged from a very difficult divorce, and have a three-year-old daughter. He has really embraced my daughter, and she loves spending time with him and tells him that she loves him, and he even tells her he loves her in return. He's a very sweet, kind and good-hearted man with I believe the best of intentions where he can. He lives about an hour away from me, and the commute to see him is sometimes difficult. After three months together, we went out for St. Patty's Day and after drinking quite a bit he told me he loved me and asked a question related to "when we're together forever." Somehow that bothers me, because even now he speaks frequently about a future between us, but very rarely if ever says the words "married" or "engaged." If we are in the mall and he sees me stop to look in the windows of the jewelry store he will rush past. to complicate things further, he owns a house with his brother, which means that even when I am with him, there is little privacy, and though it is also his house, it doesn't feel like I share it with him, though whenever my daughter is with her biological father I am generally at his house with him. We've been talking about moving in together for about four months now, but he maintains that he wants to keep his half of the mortgage on his current house, which creates a great deal of financial strain on me, making him dependent on my income to support rent/another mortgage. I wouldn't mind this, were it not for the fact that I feel sometimes he uses this as an excuse to remain comfortable in his house with his brother, while I drive an hour to see him whenever I can. I live with my mom right now in her house, and recently completed graduate school, and while I am working, I don't have the money to support my own living quarters in addition to my other bills. That side of the story goes on and on.

I generally always thought that people maintain a first house, before keeping a second house as well! This is what irks me about the financial side of the situation with him. I love him a great deal, but his reticence to commit to me and move forward together, since he has now forged a relationship with my daughter (our families also have dinner together and get along very well--our respective sets of parents and even extended family), scares me. I don't want to waste what are supposed to be the best years of my life waiting on an older, settled man who is apparently so happy and content in this house with his brother. I sometimes find myself making passive-aggressive comments about him making improvements to his house to "make their house a home." And he knows I am being unruly, but it leeches out of me. Sometimes I look at him and I feel a great depth of sadness, because after going through a divorce and knowing what a horrible man can be, I know he is not, but I am also not willing to spend my life in a car driving to see him after two years when he sits at home perfectly comfortable, never offering me a ring, never even offering to move out of his house to be with me. I worry that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and that I am wasting my time. I cry about this, and have dreams about it, and yet I know he truly loves me. Based on relationships I've had in the past, I believe that you can love someone and be a great deal selfish, it's just that that person's love has limitations. I worry that mine may be another of the same. I hope I am wrong. His mother tells me she hopes we get married (because her other son, his brother, is also not married, in his 30's with no signs of any relationships [that's another story altogether--because if he had a girlfriend, I would have to not stay here anymore, it would be terrible, just terribly cramped and uncomfortable and awkward]). I took her to the spa recently for her birthday and she asked me if there were any developments in the relationship, because we enjoy spending time together, and yet I find myself pulling away from her periodically because I don't want to hurt so badly if and when the time arises that I need to sever ties to him. I know she would understand, and I would tell her the truth. When she asked me if it looked like he was going to propose, I simply told her I can't control the actions of others...and I feel she was quite sad, perhaps wondering where things went wrong. I just don't know. The relationship has progressed to such a degree in terms of inter-relations between our families that I would need to bring my daughter to visit with his parents, even if we were to break up. Ugh.

So yes, I understand, emotionally, what everyone else is persevering through on this board, and you all have a hug from me in greatest empathy.

[Judy246]

He's probably not financially ready for the responsibility of marriage and or not ready to take the relationship to a higher level. I don't doubt it will happen, but it will happen when you both are financially stable. I would pressure him, because it will only push him away. Ask him, where do you see our relationship in 5 yrs. By his answer you will know whether you want to invenst anymore time of your life and youth this this man. good luck

[AHP84]

Lol, I have a cousin who is 26 years old, I believe. We're close friends, and stay in touch regularly. She's been dating her boyfriend for five years and wants to marry him, but he's hesitating. She's getting so frustrated with him and claims she'll only wait around for his proposal until the end of this year.
She told me at my wedding (she was one of my bridesmaids) that my aunt (her mother) had given her some advice when she had expressed her frustrations about having a five year relationship with no real commitment yet. She said her mom told her, "Candice, get pregnant."
It was a "serious joke," I guess.

[fltricia]

AJH

He told me on the way to the beach the other day that he would marry me if I was pregnant because that is what you have to do.  The reason we were discussing that is because his roommate accidentally knocked up his girlfriend and he ended up having to buy a house and he proposed to her.    I think real men man up and marry a girl when she is pregnant and especially if he loves the woman.  

[AHP84]

Okay, here are some bits and pieces of a journal entry I wrote about this exact issue, which was only back in April.
Some background info: I was the one established with home ownership, college degree, and an established career. That's part of the reason he was hesitant about marriage, because he didn't want me to be the sole provider.
Lol, we just got married this last weekend over Labor Day. I never would have thought our relationship would get to such a point so soon--maybe you will have your dreams come true soon, too! But just so you know...I've been at this point too, and I know exactly how it feels.

Basically, he feels that would be cheating me out of the best life possible, and said he felt like he’d be using me for his benefit, and that he respected Trevor and me far to much to do that to us. I told him that I didn’t see it that way, and that I trust him enough to take that risk, knowing he won’t take advantage of me. I said that this is also something I really want with him, and have for awhile. That I trust him and love him enough to even consider making this suggestion for a lifelong commitment to him.
That’s when I really saw him reach a point of insecurity about himself that I’ve never seen before. He kept saying that I deserve better, and that he’s not even in a place in life for me to even consider him worthy of a relationship with me. And that he loves Trevor more than words could ever describe, but doesn’t think he’s a good father figure for him because he said he relates to him more like a friend, and that’s not what Trevor needs as a father (I can vouch for him being nothing like this with Trevor, as I see their interaction all the time. He has a respect and love for Trevor that is *exactly* what Trev needs and craves from him; not an overbearing authoritarian figure that treats him as “just a kid,” and never has the time or patience to relate to him on his level. And Brandon has, many times, asserted his authority, gently but firmly, to Trevor, and Trevor respects that and is responsive. I wouldn’t invest so much time and love into Brandon if I didn’t think he was right for my son).
He kept finding different ways to say we deserve better, and that he doesn’t want to hinder our lives in any way when I’m in such a good place in life and pursuing an even better life. He feels like he would stand in the way of my potential achievements by allowing himself to be any more involved in our lives than he already is (which is like, twice a week for a few hours at a time).
I told him that I can make my own determination about that, and that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. He’s got so much going for him, and he’s so close to accomplishing it. He said it’s his own fault and he has to deal with it, fix it himself, before involving anyone else in his life. He said he doesn’t want me to have to see him when he feels angry, frustrated, depressed, and hopeless about his situation. Why not? We’re all human—I told him no one is meant to fight a battle in life alone, and that I would like to share his struggles with him, to encourage him, to hold him accountable for what he wants to achieve.
But he won’t hear of it. He doesn’t think he’s worthy enough to even be in my life and says he keeps expecting me to wake up one day and realize that he’s not the man I’ve built him up to be in my mind, because I’ve never seen the downsides of him. But I have! Many times…I know when he gets like this because he *doesn’t* want to be around me, and when I try to talk to him about anything, he gets really withdrawn. He thinks he’s been hiding that side of himself from me for the last year and a half, and he hasn’t—and I still love him. I would never expect him to be emotionally invincible, or whatever notion it is that he has.
It just hurts. It hurts that I am putting myself out there for him, and to take him how he is, and as he is, and go from there into a life where we would *finally* get to be together as much as we want to be, sharing good times, encouraging each other, and walking through our greatest life’s struggles together as best friends as well—I mean, it’s not like my life is a bed of roses right now, either. There are days when I feel so numb and discouraged that I wish I could just spend quiet, relaxing time sitting next to him with his arms around me.
I asked him if he even wanted a marriage with me in his future, whenever he felt ready. He said he didn’t know.
Boy, that really wasn’t the answer I thought I’d hear.
I don’t know what to make of any of this. I’m confused and feel rejected and hurt.

[AHP84]

Being a good provider is one of the most important aspects of a relationship for a man, I've come to find. It seems when they truly are in love, they want to provide *everything* for the woman they love, and if they feel like they can't live up to *their* standards of providing (not your expectations), then they feel inadequate to permanently commit.

I can't really offer much advice here other than I know how you feel, because only a few months ago, I wondered when or if I'd ever marry my husband. We'd been dating for two years and I personally felt like our lives were established enough to make a marriage, but he was hesitant. The reason was because he is still in college and has about two years left before graduation for a Bachelor of Science in electrical engineering degree. In his perspective, he felt like his life wasn't anywhere near established enough to be a husband or father (I have a 4½ year old son from a past relationship) and give us everything HE thought we deserved.
Flattering, yes. Realistic...not at all, but I couldn't seem to make that clear to him. All I was concerned with having from him was the committment, KNOWING our lives were financially and emotionally established enough to have a successful marriage. I wasn't happy with just a relationship where we only got to be a part of each others' lives a couple days a week when I knew we both loved each other enough to want a committed future together. Oddly enough, he understood this, as I understood his perspective, but it was like we just couldn't seem to get on the same dang page and find some common ground! It was so frustrating! Especially because family and friends of mine were ALWAYS asking or teasing, "when are you two going to get married?" "hasn't he proposed yet?" "what're you two waiting for?" etc. etc.
He finally came around, though, and I feel fortunate that he did. Actually, I think the catalyst for his change of mind and heart towards marriage was the fact that we unexpectedly ended up pregnant back in June. I'm sure if that had never happened, we wouldn't be married today, or even engaged. But, if that were the case, I can't say how I'd handle it or how I'd feel about it, which is why I said I can't really offer much advice to you about what to do in your own relationship. If mine were still in the same state it was a few months back, I'm sure I'd be willing to wait it out for another year or so for him, just because of how much I love him and how much my son has bonded with him in place of his absent, neglectful bio father.
I just wanted to point out that decent men who are genuinely in love seem to hold unrealistic expectations for themselves on just what they'd be able to provide for you in the relationship if does lead to marriage. They want to be your hero and give you the world. It seems if they feel they can't provide that, they want to still keep your company, but feel inadequate for something as serious as marriage.
This may not be every man, but this is the experience I had, and it seems to be a similar scenario for a few other young women I know who are patiently waiting for their men to either propose or marry them someday.

[fltricia]

Whoops I meant to say

"But he says he also feels really guilty for not being able to give me what I want in life right now. "

[fltricia]

It's definitely a tough decision.  What we have agreed to do now is get through the holidays and be the best girlfriend/boyfriend we can be and see how it goes.   He says he wishes he was ready just to make me happy because he loves me so much.  But he says he only feels really guilty for not being able to give me what I want in life right now.  

[mami1323]

I'm guilty of doing what you are doing.  Seeing people around me getting engaged and married and I'm engaged now for 3 years with no set date.  So I understand how you feel.  I would ask him straight out what he considers being financially secure is and how long does he think it will take before he gets there?  You can't force anyone to want to get married.  You will have to either wait or break it off.  

[jo929]

If you have been with him 4 years and he does not want marriage now, i doubt that he will in the future, i would tell him that i know longer felt like living this way, without marriage, men get into the habit of wanting a relationship with no attachments, and that is fine if the woman lets them get away with it  luck  jo