Aa
Horrible Heartache!!!!! Please Lend Support
Hello,
I have been a member of this site for a few years. I have mostly been a member for the TTC community. I am here today for the relationship side of things.
A little background: I got married to my soon to be ex-husband November 14, 2008. Everything was great so I thought. Things weren't as great as it seems or how i wanted them to be. Thought maybe having a child would help him grow up and realize what he was losing by acting the way he was. Thank God we never succeeded in getting pregnant. I came to the realization that the person I married was not the same person that I fell in love with. I know that people change and relationships evolve, they have to. But when someone that you thought you knew does a complete 180, red flags go up.
Speed up to my current situation. Husband and I are in the process of splitting up. I have tried to be fair and get the filing underway, but he is not working with me. I just know that I am not going to put my life on hold because he doesn't want to cooperate. Needless to say, I have met an amazing man. Nothing as far as a relationship happen until my husband decided to leave to test me to see if I would beg for him back. I was already done trying to save my marriage about a year ago. This all happened starting the end of May 2012.
Well speed up, Man A (Not releasing his name as of yet) and I have a wonderful relationship. I have never met anyone that has allowed me to truly let my guard down and is truly happy in seeing me happy. He is settled, not into playing games, loving, caring, hard-worker and has an amazing zest for life. Its very safe to say that we fell in love with each other very quickly. I am in need of support because, a fews back when he was recently divorced and trying to still support his son, he took a job in the finance department of a company. Well one of those situations of wrong place at the wrong time. He over-heard these 2 guys talking about stuff, but really had no reason to believe it was anything more than talking. Turns out, those 2 guys were heavily involved in trying to scam millions of dollars from different companies. When all of this came out, he was implicated. Since he worked in the finance department, he must have been involved. Farthest thing from the truth. He took a plea because they would have tried and sentence him along with the 2 main people ( 1 received 30 yrs and the other 20 yrs ). He didnt want to risk his future and missing out on that many yrs with his son. Completely understandable. He received almost 3 yrs. He is surrendering himself to the minimum security camp today.
I feel like my heart is being ripped out and nobody, but him cares. I get told that I am stupid for wanting to still be with him, for allowing myself to fall in love so quickly after separating from my not even ex yet ( but I told you that situation), that he doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve him. All I know is I love him and I am looking for support and advice. I am new to the being a girlfriend to an inmate. How long with it take until I get used to falling asleep without him or until my heart doesn't hurt anymore? I have never felt this much pain before, not even for my failed marriage.
I have been a member of this site for a few years. I have mostly been a member for the TTC community. I am here today for the relationship side of things.
A little background: I got married to my soon to be ex-husband November 14, 2008. Everything was great so I thought. Things weren't as great as it seems or how i wanted them to be. Thought maybe having a child would help him grow up and realize what he was losing by acting the way he was. Thank God we never succeeded in getting pregnant. I came to the realization that the person I married was not the same person that I fell in love with. I know that people change and relationships evolve, they have to. But when someone that you thought you knew does a complete 180, red flags go up.
Speed up to my current situation. Husband and I are in the process of splitting up. I have tried to be fair and get the filing underway, but he is not working with me. I just know that I am not going to put my life on hold because he doesn't want to cooperate. Needless to say, I have met an amazing man. Nothing as far as a relationship happen until my husband decided to leave to test me to see if I would beg for him back. I was already done trying to save my marriage about a year ago. This all happened starting the end of May 2012.
Well speed up, Man A (Not releasing his name as of yet) and I have a wonderful relationship. I have never met anyone that has allowed me to truly let my guard down and is truly happy in seeing me happy. He is settled, not into playing games, loving, caring, hard-worker and has an amazing zest for life. Its very safe to say that we fell in love with each other very quickly. I am in need of support because, a fews back when he was recently divorced and trying to still support his son, he took a job in the finance department of a company. Well one of those situations of wrong place at the wrong time. He over-heard these 2 guys talking about stuff, but really had no reason to believe it was anything more than talking. Turns out, those 2 guys were heavily involved in trying to scam millions of dollars from different companies. When all of this came out, he was implicated. Since he worked in the finance department, he must have been involved. Farthest thing from the truth. He took a plea because they would have tried and sentence him along with the 2 main people ( 1 received 30 yrs and the other 20 yrs ). He didnt want to risk his future and missing out on that many yrs with his son. Completely understandable. He received almost 3 yrs. He is surrendering himself to the minimum security camp today.
I feel like my heart is being ripped out and nobody, but him cares. I get told that I am stupid for wanting to still be with him, for allowing myself to fall in love so quickly after separating from my not even ex yet ( but I told you that situation), that he doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve him. All I know is I love him and I am looking for support and advice. I am new to the being a girlfriend to an inmate. How long with it take until I get used to falling asleep without him or until my heart doesn't hurt anymore? I have never felt this much pain before, not even for my failed marriage.
I appreciate the responses. I understand how the situation looks and yes with me still having an active marriage license, not the best timing. But I also know that we both fought it. Once I made the decision to get divorced, that's when we decided to just hang out. Grew from that. Doesn't make him any less of a gentlemen.
I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I also am the type of person that I am not going to not do something because it's going to be harder than normal. I was mainly looking for advice on how to handle dealing with him being away from me not advice on how my relationships should be.
I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I also am the type of person that I am not going to not do something because it's going to be harder than normal. I was mainly looking for advice on how to handle dealing with him being away from me not advice on how my relationships should be.
In my opinion the MAIN focus isn't whether the bf is innocent or not as we aren't lawyers involved in his case.
Della, I wish you all the best with figuring this out because this is a very diffcult place to be in.
You can by all means start your own forum to connect with actual people dealing or have dealt with this situation. There might even be organizations in your community that can help you as well.
I think all the women here who have responded offered very sound advice. Maybe there are things you didn't want to hear or were looking for, but nevertheless it was advice and points of view. Take what you can use or want to use.
Good luck dear.
Della, I wish you all the best with figuring this out because this is a very diffcult place to be in.
You can by all means start your own forum to connect with actual people dealing or have dealt with this situation. There might even be organizations in your community that can help you as well.
I think all the women here who have responded offered very sound advice. Maybe there are things you didn't want to hear or were looking for, but nevertheless it was advice and points of view. Take what you can use or want to use.
Good luck dear.
He's innocent--I just know it.I've heard of cases like this before.He should get off and have no record against him--I have studied law at UNI but didn't finish my degree.There is no justice here it seems.The DA will push for a harsh sentence just like the DPP here in Australia so they can get another star added to their name.This is so unfair.
Dear, we are trying to support you. In my opinion, support doesn't mean telling someone what he/she wants to hear; it is telling him/her something he/she NEEDS to hear. In your initial post you stated you were looking for support and advice. Plus, I have been through a divorce myself. Never had a relationship with someone in prison though.
I think everyone who has posted are older women including myself that have lived life long enough to know bad patterns and good patterns of a situation. Not to say your situation might not have the desired outcome that you want, but the odds are sure stacked against you. If I may take the liberty and say that we DON'T want you to end up in a bad spot you can't get out of or ruin your life related to a terrible or bad choice you made.
Even if this guy wasn't in the situation he was in I still wouldn't recommend you jumping so quickly into another relationship. I wasn't just concerned about this man A's legal woes, but also the fact that he has no qualms about getting involved with a married woman. A real gentleman would have told you "I will wait until your divorce is final before I pursue you" or something along those lines. I do understand that you have been disconnected from your husband a year before you started divorce proceedings......same thing happened to me, but you MUST take the time to thoroughly close and end this married life before you start your single life. TRUST ME dear. To Add: this man has a son and ex-wife too, trust me that has another dynamic all of its own and then he was just recently divorced.
As far as whether he is guilty or not.......well, it's all about presentation and convincing in a courtroom and not so much the truth in my opinion...which laywer can do that the best will win.
"He took a plea because they would have tried and sentence him along with the 2 main people ( 1 received 30 yrs and the other 20 yrs ). He didnt want to risk his future and missing out on that many yrs with his son." Dear, dear, dear......people who are innocent don't accept a plea of a lesser degree.....they do when they know they are guilty and want less time or a lighter sentence. Innocent people just don't do this. At least, I have NEVER heard or seen an innocent person do this. I can't really comment or make any judgement about whether he is innocent or guilty. I do know innocent people have gotten the "shaft" in regards to penal/legal systems. Lawyers can say alot, but keep in mind it might NOT be the 100% truth in the end. Expunging someone's record is NOT something that is easily done, UNLESS they were found to be COMPLETELY innocent in the end of course. Perhaps he has the OPPORTUNITY to have this done after 2 years of serving his sentence and even then I DOUBT this will be anything easily done or even done.
"He has a job waiting for him when he gets out. The same job he just took a leave of absence from." ..... That remains to be seen; can't really comment on that.
"I also have a lawyer for my DWI and without knowing all the specifics of the case, he pretty much said the same thing that I have been told. Another reason I don't understand the system and why I think it is really flawed." .......I believe any system involving judgement on a human being from another human being is "flawed." Plus, this DWI lawyer DOESN'T have privy or know all the particulars or specifics to your bf's case, so he really can't make any sound judgement about what will happen.
You can by all means start your own forum to connect with actual people dealing or have dealt with this situation. There might even be organizations in your community that can help you as well.
I guess I am looking at this more from a mother's or older woman's point of view. I just hate to see a young woman making this or that decision with her life when I know it can and should be better. I have lived and seen so many unfortunate situations and consequences related to poor or unhealthy choices people have made in their life.
I think everyone who has posted are older women including myself that have lived life long enough to know bad patterns and good patterns of a situation. Not to say your situation might not have the desired outcome that you want, but the odds are sure stacked against you. If I may take the liberty and say that we DON'T want you to end up in a bad spot you can't get out of or ruin your life related to a terrible or bad choice you made.
Even if this guy wasn't in the situation he was in I still wouldn't recommend you jumping so quickly into another relationship. I wasn't just concerned about this man A's legal woes, but also the fact that he has no qualms about getting involved with a married woman. A real gentleman would have told you "I will wait until your divorce is final before I pursue you" or something along those lines. I do understand that you have been disconnected from your husband a year before you started divorce proceedings......same thing happened to me, but you MUST take the time to thoroughly close and end this married life before you start your single life. TRUST ME dear. To Add: this man has a son and ex-wife too, trust me that has another dynamic all of its own and then he was just recently divorced.
As far as whether he is guilty or not.......well, it's all about presentation and convincing in a courtroom and not so much the truth in my opinion...which laywer can do that the best will win.
"He took a plea because they would have tried and sentence him along with the 2 main people ( 1 received 30 yrs and the other 20 yrs ). He didnt want to risk his future and missing out on that many yrs with his son." Dear, dear, dear......people who are innocent don't accept a plea of a lesser degree.....they do when they know they are guilty and want less time or a lighter sentence. Innocent people just don't do this. At least, I have NEVER heard or seen an innocent person do this. I can't really comment or make any judgement about whether he is innocent or guilty. I do know innocent people have gotten the "shaft" in regards to penal/legal systems. Lawyers can say alot, but keep in mind it might NOT be the 100% truth in the end. Expunging someone's record is NOT something that is easily done, UNLESS they were found to be COMPLETELY innocent in the end of course. Perhaps he has the OPPORTUNITY to have this done after 2 years of serving his sentence and even then I DOUBT this will be anything easily done or even done.
"He has a job waiting for him when he gets out. The same job he just took a leave of absence from." ..... That remains to be seen; can't really comment on that.
"I also have a lawyer for my DWI and without knowing all the specifics of the case, he pretty much said the same thing that I have been told. Another reason I don't understand the system and why I think it is really flawed." .......I believe any system involving judgement on a human being from another human being is "flawed." Plus, this DWI lawyer DOESN'T have privy or know all the particulars or specifics to your bf's case, so he really can't make any sound judgement about what will happen.
You can by all means start your own forum to connect with actual people dealing or have dealt with this situation. There might even be organizations in your community that can help you as well.
I guess I am looking at this more from a mother's or older woman's point of view. I just hate to see a young woman making this or that decision with her life when I know it can and should be better. I have lived and seen so many unfortunate situations and consequences related to poor or unhealthy choices people have made in their life.
I think your idea of talking to the lawyer again is a good idea, Della. In Texas (where I live too) you can't get a crime expunged that you've been convicted of. And certainly not a felony.
If he's been sentenced to prison - for ANY length of time - he's been convicted.
Crimes that can be expunged are misdemeanors, and then only if you get deferred adjudication or deferred prosecution. In those cases, the judge decides to withhold a conviction for a matter of time, while the accused pleas "no contest" and submits to a probationary period with terms like no subsequent arrests, no alcohol, attend classes, etc. Upon the completion of the probationary period the accused has to wait two years from the date of the commission of the crime to begin the expunction process, which can take up to 6 months.
I think you need real clarity before you proceed - you're not operating with correct information, in my opinion. Sorry that I actually have had to learn the details of the expunction process. :(
If he's been sentenced to prison - for ANY length of time - he's been convicted.
Crimes that can be expunged are misdemeanors, and then only if you get deferred adjudication or deferred prosecution. In those cases, the judge decides to withhold a conviction for a matter of time, while the accused pleas "no contest" and submits to a probationary period with terms like no subsequent arrests, no alcohol, attend classes, etc. Upon the completion of the probationary period the accused has to wait two years from the date of the commission of the crime to begin the expunction process, which can take up to 6 months.
I think you need real clarity before you proceed - you're not operating with correct information, in my opinion. Sorry that I actually have had to learn the details of the expunction process. :(
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm sorry as I knew you wouldn't like my advice It wasn't meant to hurt you.
In all--- and complete honesty---- my advice would completely the same to you if he weren't going to prison but simply taking a job in a city an hour away. Okay, it would be the same if nothing was going to take him away from you.
All I can do is wish you luck. Honestly, I HAVE been in the situation of having a bad relationship fall apart and then thinking I was so in love with a new person . . . only to find out that I wasn't thinking clearly. THAT I can relate to.
Either way, you are going to be on your own. What you do with your time --- the next three years worth is up to you. You can not date anyone else and patiently wait until he gets out. OR you can live life saying "maybe things will work out when he is free to be a regular guy I can date". You have no choice in the matter that you WILL be without him for three years.
That is something to be sad about as you obviously care for him. It doesn't matter if I or anyone feels you should be so desperate for this man at this point or not---- regardless of that, you will go through sadness and mourning as he is incarcerated. But nothing at all will change it. Just don't marry him while he is in prison. Wait until he gets out and you can try to date again.
good luck. Nothing can take away your sadness or feelings---- those have mnothing to do with what is in your best interest in terms of speed to get into another relationship. good l uck and peace
In all--- and complete honesty---- my advice would completely the same to you if he weren't going to prison but simply taking a job in a city an hour away. Okay, it would be the same if nothing was going to take him away from you.
All I can do is wish you luck. Honestly, I HAVE been in the situation of having a bad relationship fall apart and then thinking I was so in love with a new person . . . only to find out that I wasn't thinking clearly. THAT I can relate to.
Either way, you are going to be on your own. What you do with your time --- the next three years worth is up to you. You can not date anyone else and patiently wait until he gets out. OR you can live life saying "maybe things will work out when he is free to be a regular guy I can date". You have no choice in the matter that you WILL be without him for three years.
That is something to be sad about as you obviously care for him. It doesn't matter if I or anyone feels you should be so desperate for this man at this point or not---- regardless of that, you will go through sadness and mourning as he is incarcerated. But nothing at all will change it. Just don't marry him while he is in prison. Wait until he gets out and you can try to date again.
good luck. Nothing can take away your sadness or feelings---- those have mnothing to do with what is in your best interest in terms of speed to get into another relationship. good l uck and peace
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
