How can I learn to trust again after he lied to me?

[worriedwife81]

How can I learn to trust my husband after he lied to me straight to my face.  Now it is not a huge lie.  But always though he was honest with me.  Never in a million years would I think he would lie to me.  So now.  We have been together almost 33 years now.  Dated for 3 and in Oct. it will be 30 years we are married.  He lied to me about looking at naked pictures of women on the internet.  And a little porn.  I have always been honest with him and he know that is a huge thing with me.  Honesty.  So now that this has happened I start to think that our whole marriage has been a lie.   How do I know?   And also our sex life has been not good.  And I noticed that when he looked at the pictures is when he would want sex.  So I think he has to look at that in order to get excited and have sex with me because he really wants a young, skinny sexy woman.  I am not fat but do have a little tummy. But am trying to loose it and about 10 pounds.  And after having 3 children my breast are not perky anymore,  but don't think exercise will help that and don't think I am willing to have surgery.  He says I excite him but I don't believe him.  Why should I? He lied about looking at the pictures and I did not know so how do I know he is not lying now.  Also, I don't know for sure if he even wants to touch me.  We went a few months of no touch.  Then after I asked him he started again.  But is he just doing it because I said something or out of guilt?  I don't know anymore.  I can't tell if he is being truthful.  I love him and am so very in love with him.  And deep down I know he loves me.  I am just not sure he is still in love with me anymore.  

[worriedwife81]

Thanks brice. Yes it is about both but mostly the lying.  The porn I can live with.  It still hurts but I could live with it as long as it is not hidden.  It is the lying that hurts the most.  Yes, after 33 years together we should be able to talk about anything.  Well why when I asked him about it he looked me in the eye and lied.  That is what I am having a problem with.  He looked me straight in the eyes and lied and I did not even know. I do know deep, deep down our whole marriage has not been a lie.  But it does bring up suspicion. I won't let him looking at sexy women destroy our life. It is not worth it. I just am struggling with the lie. I have told him how much it hurt me. We talked about it. He gets defensive and like he is mad at me for how I am feeling sometimes.  That is why I keep it in.  I don't want to upset him because of my stupidity. I can't help hurting. Yes, suffering in private has been a lifetime thing for me. I only let it out when I can't hold anymore in.  Then I just let out enough for me to be able to handle.  I am trying very hard. I do not want to loose him. I can't.

specialmom. I am not one that feels very strongly against porn.  I am not saying I like it just is ok if some look.  And if he were just looking at porn it would't be as bad. He searched for sexy, young, skinny women. And after searching is when he wanted sex. Now that he says he is not searching he wants nothing to do with me. So what am I supposed to think?  Maybe I do need a therapist. I can only tell my husband so much. I can't handle it all at once. And living 5 1/2 hours away from our family and friends does not help. I am here all alone.
I would not lie to a girlfriend in your example.  I would just ask if she likes it and if she does then say that is all that counts then.  I do tend to keep my mouth shut more when it comes to family and very close friends but not lie.  
We do communicate some. I guess not enough.  I just love him so much. He is my soul mate.
I will be ok.  I have been like this for a long time.  But I do thank you. I think I am depressed but can't talk to a doctor for that. My husband says he don't understand that.  If you are unhappy then find what is making you unhappy and fix it.  Don't need a doctor or meds for it.  

[vann3]

hi worriedwife81 i clearly understand your hurt, the issue in question here is the lie he has betrayed your trust. I am currently in a very similiar circumstance, my partner of 13years recently lied to me (im not sure how long 4) but he has been having secret contact with an ex of his which was before my time. I saw a missed call a few days back from a woman with the same name as the ex and although i did wander what if this is her, i put it at the back of my mind and gave him the benefit of the doubt and carried on with everyday life. So a few days two days after the missed call i was coming back from work and on the fne to other half when his other fne beeped and i said answer it, he said to me its only his couzin and he will call him back, nevertheless he answered it and told them he would fne them back. He had adifferent tone of voice he usually has so i confronted him and he got defencive and told me maybe u are hiding something. When i got home i asked him to c his fne, he had deleted all calls from history but i did manage to find last caller id, i asked him if its the same girl from 13yrs ago and at this point he said to me your the spy u should do it rite. So i picked his fne and began dialling no, with him in the background tellin me nt to do it. I managed to get tru to her and to my suprise she knew my name, and confirmed it was the same girl, at this point i was in an emotional wreck and thought i dnt want to gv this girl any ideas that im having probs in my relationship so cut the fne off. And told partner its over. He got mad at me 4 snooping and when i tried to ask why in a million years youd chase for her number he told me he would never tell me as im too dumb to understand, how can i accept the fact that he lied and is guilt tripping me and judging me 4 my actions, but yet he has been contacting this girl 4 only God knows how long, to make matters worse we have a 4 yr old child who wanders y mum n dad dont talk and sleep in the same bed no more. He decided to move out of bed. I do love him and like u cnt imagine life with another but i dnt see any reasonable and justifiable explanation on this, in my eyes small tings can easily be flood gateaways to the worst, and whilst many mite say this is extreme scenario im worried that it may happen in the future, this emotional 'affair' is destroying me and makin me doubt myself. Hope all will work out 4 u.

[worriedwife81]

Well I still just can't get it out of my mind that he lied to me.  I guess because he is still looking and hiding it.  I have gotten to the place where I just wish God would take me.  I am so tired of hurting and I don't know how to stop it.  We have talked about this several times.  He always gets upset then says he loves me and will stop.  But I don't believe him at all.  I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore.  How can I.  He has been lying to me for 34 years and I believed him for 31 of them.  My problem is I love him.  And now I think it is killing my marriage.  He don't even look at me anymore.  And I know that is because my body is not what he wants.  Well I really just wanted to say Thank You to all for trying to help.  I just don't know if there is anything that will help except us separating. And that will kill me.  But that don't matter I am done.  Thanks again.  

[RockRose]

I'm going out on a limb here.  I don't think you're upset at the lie,  I think you're mad at him over the bald honest truth.

I'm about where you are.  I've been married almost as long,   and I know my husband doesn't get turned on by my looks the way he used to when I weighed 98 pounds when we first got married.  I'm now 125,  have some stretch marks,  some grey hairs,  c-section scars and my arms and back don't look like they used to.  When I would undress,  he would literally suck in air.  

I know that doesn't happen anymore.  That's life.  He loves me,  he's with me,  and it's not like I turn him off.  I know he would prefer that I looked like I did when we first met.  

Why are you trying to make him say that to you?  The bald honest truth.  You know it,  I know it,  and thank goodness the men are kind enough and savvy enough not to just say it - because that's stupid and cruel.

Best wishes.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Like RockRose, I too think it may more than the "simple" "lie".

I think it could be about porn addiction and that You feel He only has interest in You AFTER He views porn....and I have come to learn this can be a BIG issue in some relationships.

Looking at porn ain't what it used to be!!  8 x 10 glossies in a magazine (Playboy, Hustler) is NOT the same as "virtual sex" and porn on our computers today.  I read an article in a "PSYCOLOGY TODAY" magazine and did I get an education!! - apparently there is a whole NEW spin on TODAY's pornography which comes to us via our computers.  It's no longer a matter of "it's okay if He looks but doesn't touch"!!  Time and Technology has changed all this.  

The article is titled "Your Brain on Porn Series:  Porn Addiction" by Gary Wilson.  Please - read it - it's on the same computers that bring us the  porn.  I think You'll be surprised at what You learn.  It seems that today's porn has become a BIG, troublesome issue in a LOT of Relationships.  Until I read this article I did not understand the term "porn addiction", I thought it was an "obsession",  more than a bit selfish, if He let it interfere with His relationship -  but now, what I have learned is that: Porn "overstimulates" the Brain and with enough of this "OVER" stimulation the Brain actually changes!! - the SAME changes that occur with ALL addictions!!

As I understand it, the "INTENSITY" of porn that is displayed on our computers creates a "hightened" level of stimulation that our "primitive" Brains weren't intended to experience & because of that, the Brain of SomeOne who regulary uses porn causes changes in the neuropathways of the Brain - in the SAME ways of an alcoholic or drug user/addict!!  - the chemical neurotransmitter "dopamine" is the "culprit".   The more "intense" the experince, the more dopamine is released into the Brain - "dopamine" is behind ALL motivation - but when the Brain is  OVER stimulated, we get addiction. When we submit OurSelves to OVER stimulation our Brain "re wires" itself for the addiction (whatever it may be - porn, drugs, alcohol, whatever) AND for the "NEW" neuro pathways that We are creating with this OVER stimulation.   It's the "dopamine" that we become addicted to, whatever path it is we have chosen to raise these levels (again, it could be porn, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, whatever)

We all need to read this ("Your Brain on Porn") for "enlightenment"!!   We had better get a handle on what we are doing to OurSelves and Our Children before we "do away" with the Human Race altogether  - std's, AIDS, whatever else is on the horizon because of Our promiscuity and addictions AND if  the act of sex is no longer necessary between REAL Men and REAL Women because Men are fulfilling Their dopamine levels with  porn, then there will be NO pro-creation!!  We better start thinking, about what We are doing!!.  For all Our technology, we STILL "operate" with our "primitive" Brains!!  If we cannot see this, see what We are doing to OurSelves, what about Our Children, Our GrandChildren??  Won't these changes, won't these technologies affect them too????  Of course it will.!! The question is "How far will it go??"
There have been civilizations in the past hat have destroyed themselves - Is this where We are headed??
Wouldn't it be sad, really, really sad if we ended up annihilating ourselves over an addiction to PORN!!??

(I may be thinking "outside the box"!!?? - but this stuff is interesting to me!!)

[worriedwife81]

Thanks for your input.  The "LIE" or should I say "LIES" are my issue.  If he would have just been honest with me from the beginning 34 years ago.  I totally despise lies.  And he knows it.  But has done it from the beginning.  And yes of course it bothers me that he does not "want" my body.  But it is not the big problem.  We went 20 something years without much intimacy.  Only every now and then.  So that is not a problem for me.  I guess during those years I did not see it because our kids kept me busy and he worked offshore.  But now I look back I realize he did not "want" me then either and was looking and lusting at other women.  And I was in good shape then.  Not that I am in terrible shape now.  Older, a few grays, a little extra weight and gravity has taken over a bit. And he don't look like when we first met either.  But he, up to a few weeks ago, turned me on so much.  Now my desire is just gone. Can't torture someone and not expect changes.   Anyway.  Thanks