How can I learn to trust again after he lied to me?

[worriedwife81]

How can I learn to trust my husband after he lied to me straight to my face.  Now it is not a huge lie.  But always though he was honest with me.  Never in a million years would I think he would lie to me.  So now.  We have been together almost 33 years now.  Dated for 3 and in Oct. it will be 30 years we are married.  He lied to me about looking at naked pictures of women on the internet.  And a little porn.  I have always been honest with him and he know that is a huge thing with me.  Honesty.  So now that this has happened I start to think that our whole marriage has been a lie.   How do I know?   And also our sex life has been not good.  And I noticed that when he looked at the pictures is when he would want sex.  So I think he has to look at that in order to get excited and have sex with me because he really wants a young, skinny sexy woman.  I am not fat but do have a little tummy. But am trying to loose it and about 10 pounds.  And after having 3 children my breast are not perky anymore,  but don't think exercise will help that and don't think I am willing to have surgery.  He says I excite him but I don't believe him.  Why should I? He lied about looking at the pictures and I did not know so how do I know he is not lying now.  Also, I don't know for sure if he even wants to touch me.  We went a few months of no touch.  Then after I asked him he started again.  But is he just doing it because I said something or out of guilt?  I don't know anymore.  I can't tell if he is being truthful.  I love him and am so very in love with him.  And deep down I know he loves me.  I am just not sure he is still in love with me anymore.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

This doesn't mean Your whole marriage has been a lie.  He probably looked and then lied to You because He knew You would be upset.  I'm not condoning His lying - I'm just suggesting that lying about this doesn't necessarily mean something "sinister" is going on - just that He was trying to avoid upsetting You.  
This permissive society that we have become makes it difficult for the "ordinary" Woman who doesn't feel she can compete with the air-brushed, 8x10, cropped, glossy photos that our Men are looking at.  I suppose the Men know this too.  I mean, how many Women do They meet and see on the street, in the flesh, who REALLY look the way they are portrayed in the pictures and videos??  These Men are not stupid - but They DO like to look - They are more "visual" than we are sexually.
P.S.
I'll bet He doesn't look like He did 33 years ago either.  And that's okay with You, right?  and He didn't bear any children to change His body from 33 years ago but You still love Him!!  and He still loves You too!!  We don't live with looks - we live with the Person - and He knows Women don't REALLY look like they are portrayed in those pictures and films.
So - relax and try to let this go.  I just know in my heart that this Man loves You and only You!!

[specialmom]

I agree with Tinkkerbell.  Really, some men do just like to look once in a while and it has nothing to do with loving or lusting after another . . . it's just an impulse.  On some level, he knows you wouldn't be thrilled and so he probably felt pushed into a corner and fibbed hoping to not get in trouble.  Little did he know that it would end up with your doubting the whole marriage over this.  
You've been together a long time.  Certainly, he's revealed most of himself to you by now.  I'm sure you ultimately trust him.  Do you rule with an iron fist?  Do you get really upset about things and overreact?  When that is the case with a spouse, their partner may sometimes just not want to 'deal' with it over something they see as silly.  

Don't make this into a huge deal or a huge fight. Tell him that you'd rather be honest and YOU will temper how you react to things so he doesn't have to worry about telling you everything.  

Honestly, you have said nothing that makes me concerned for your marriage over and above your own insecurity being a problem.

You love him.  He loves you.  It will be alright.  Congrats on 33 years!  Here is to another 33!  Peace.

[worriedwife81]

Thanks for the comment.  I know he looks too.  I have caught him.  Asked him if that is what he wants. He said no. But I do think that is what he needs to look at in order to have sex with me.  Since we talked about him looking at that we have not unless I started it.
No, he does not look the same. But Yes, I love him no matter what. He is not completely out of shape just a little heavier.  And he turns me on so much it hurts.  I just don't understand why he don't want to make love with me anymore.  I think is it because he is not turned on by me anymore.  He wants the sexy women he looks at.  And no matter how much he tell me different I can't believe him right now.  I never ever thought in a million years that he would lie to me, ever.  I so believed every word he said to me. I just never thought he would. I trusted him with every ounce of me.  I am trying to let it go but it is so hard.  

[worriedwife81]

He knows how I feel about lying.  It is my biggest petpeeve.  I can't stand it.  I rather get in trouble than lie.
No, I don't rule with a iron fist.  Mostly I just keep it all to myself and suffer in private.  I cry but don't get angry.  I try not to cry but can't help it. If he would have been  honest I would not have liked it but at least it would be done.  He could look at the pictures if he wanted.  But now hiding it and lying about it makes it so nasty and makes it like he fantasizes about them. Like that is the only thing that gets him excited.  I know I don't.
Yes, I am insecure.  But I wasn't till this.  In all actuality I was being more aggressive because that is what I thought he wanted. He had said he would like it. Then he would just turn me away.  Now, I don't even like undressing in front of him. I love him so much.  I want him so bad. And I want to trust him again so bad.  
I have told him I would rather have honesty and he said we will.  But I really can't believe it yet.
Thanks. I want more than 33.  I am in this for the long run.  I can't live without him.  He is what make my life worth living.  Without him, I am nothing.  

[brice1967]

Worried, the above women, TTinKKerBBell and specialmom are some of the wisest women you'll find here.  Their words of wisdom and encouragement are on the button and certainly worth listening too and referring back to in the coming days, weeks, months, and years.

What this is all about is lying and porn.  Lying stinks.... I've seen the pain it causes and I understand the betrayal of trust.  But to say that your entire marriage has been a lie is completely not true.... you know that.  He probably lied about looking at pron because of the embarrassment of being caught.  Heck no that doesn't make it right!  I am not saying that.  What I am trying to say is, I wouldn't let a lie about looking at porn destroy my life and marriage.  What I would do is tell your husband that the lie hurt and his honesty is something that you always admired and need now more than ever.  Talk to him, ask if there is a problem that you can help him with.  Ask if he thinks you (both of you) should seek a therapist to assist with this issue.

Also, and I am not minimizing how you feel about the porn, but your views on how or why your husband is looking at it is your views, your perspective.  You can certainly let him know how it makes you feel, and only you can determine if looking at it is a deal breaker.  Communication is key... be willing to voice your true feelings and be willing to hear his as well.  (And by the way, suffering in private I hope is not a constant thing.  That is a horrible way to get by.  I know, because I've done it my whole life.  Get it out there.  It's toxic and it creates more problems.)  You guys, especially after 33 years ought to be damn well able to say anything at any time regarding the marriage an d your feelings.  Do not hold it in.... if it bothers you or him, it is worth saying.

Marriages, even after 33 years need work and attention.  Seek a therapist and find help with each other.  I wish you the best.

[specialmom]

Yes, I think a therapist could be helpful here.  I say that because in all honesty--------  you are having an emotional reaction to this that is more extreme than the circumstances seem to warrent.  

Granted, porn is one of those things that some feel very strongly against.  But you are taking it personally.  That does seem to indicate some deep insecurity that maybe you weren't aware of.  

Lying is never good, but let us be honest.  We all do it at some point.  Yes--------- if my girlfriend has a hideous hairdo, rather than hurt her when she asks me if I like it, I don't give her my full opinion.  Why?  Because I am trying to protect her from something that I see harmless.  Or someone might be trying to protect themselves when they feel they did wrong, are sorry but ultimately, it was harmless.  The just make it go away so I don't get in trouble mentality.  This is human nature.  MUCH different than a serial lyer or someone that has a double life (which it does not sound like a once in a while peek at porn would be.).  

I agree with Brice that communication is your answer here.  Talk to him and come to some agreements.  But your emotional state over it worries me.  This I think you need to talk to a professional to sort out.  good luck and peace.

[worriedwife81]

Thanks brice. Yes it is about both but mostly the lying.  The porn I can live with.  It still hurts but I could live with it as long as it is not hidden.  It is the lying that hurts the most.  Yes, after 33 years together we should be able to talk about anything.  Well why when I asked him about it he looked me in the eye and lied.  That is what I am having a problem with.  He looked me straight in the eyes and lied and I did not even know. I do know deep, deep down our whole marriage has not been a lie.  But it does bring up suspicion. I won't let him looking at sexy women destroy our life. It is not worth it. I just am struggling with the lie. I have told him how much it hurt me. We talked about it. He gets defensive and like he is mad at me for how I am feeling sometimes.  That is why I keep it in.  I don't want to upset him because of my stupidity. I can't help hurting. Yes, suffering in private has been a lifetime thing for me. I only let it out when I can't hold anymore in.  Then I just let out enough for me to be able to handle.  I am trying very hard. I do not want to loose him. I can't.

specialmom. I am not one that feels very strongly against porn.  I am not saying I like it just is ok if some look.  And if he were just looking at porn it would't be as bad. He searched for sexy, young, skinny women. And after searching is when he wanted sex. Now that he says he is not searching he wants nothing to do with me. So what am I supposed to think?  Maybe I do need a therapist. I can only tell my husband so much. I can't handle it all at once. And living 5 1/2 hours away from our family and friends does not help. I am here all alone.
I would not lie to a girlfriend in your example.  I would just ask if she likes it and if she does then say that is all that counts then.  I do tend to keep my mouth shut more when it comes to family and very close friends but not lie.  
We do communicate some. I guess not enough.  I just love him so much. He is my soul mate.
I will be ok.  I have been like this for a long time.  But I do thank you. I think I am depressed but can't talk to a doctor for that. My husband says he don't understand that.  If you are unhappy then find what is making you unhappy and fix it.  Don't need a doctor or meds for it.  

[vann3]

hi worriedwife81 i clearly understand your hurt, the issue in question here is the lie he has betrayed your trust. I am currently in a very similiar circumstance, my partner of 13years recently lied to me (im not sure how long 4) but he has been having secret contact with an ex of his which was before my time. I saw a missed call a few days back from a woman with the same name as the ex and although i did wander what if this is her, i put it at the back of my mind and gave him the benefit of the doubt and carried on with everyday life. So a few days two days after the missed call i was coming back from work and on the fne to other half when his other fne beeped and i said answer it, he said to me its only his couzin and he will call him back, nevertheless he answered it and told them he would fne them back. He had adifferent tone of voice he usually has so i confronted him and he got defencive and told me maybe u are hiding something. When i got home i asked him to c his fne, he had deleted all calls from history but i did manage to find last caller id, i asked him if its the same girl from 13yrs ago and at this point he said to me your the spy u should do it rite. So i picked his fne and began dialling no, with him in the background tellin me nt to do it. I managed to get tru to her and to my suprise she knew my name, and confirmed it was the same girl, at this point i was in an emotional wreck and thought i dnt want to gv this girl any ideas that im having probs in my relationship so cut the fne off. And told partner its over. He got mad at me 4 snooping and when i tried to ask why in a million years youd chase for her number he told me he would never tell me as im too dumb to understand, how can i accept the fact that he lied and is guilt tripping me and judging me 4 my actions, but yet he has been contacting this girl 4 only God knows how long, to make matters worse we have a 4 yr old child who wanders y mum n dad dont talk and sleep in the same bed no more. He decided to move out of bed. I do love him and like u cnt imagine life with another but i dnt see any reasonable and justifiable explanation on this, in my eyes small tings can easily be flood gateaways to the worst, and whilst many mite say this is extreme scenario im worried that it may happen in the future, this emotional 'affair' is destroying me and makin me doubt myself. Hope all will work out 4 u.

[worriedwife81]

Well I still just can't get it out of my mind that he lied to me.  I guess because he is still looking and hiding it.  I have gotten to the place where I just wish God would take me.  I am so tired of hurting and I don't know how to stop it.  We have talked about this several times.  He always gets upset then says he loves me and will stop.  But I don't believe him at all.  I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore.  How can I.  He has been lying to me for 34 years and I believed him for 31 of them.  My problem is I love him.  And now I think it is killing my marriage.  He don't even look at me anymore.  And I know that is because my body is not what he wants.  Well I really just wanted to say Thank You to all for trying to help.  I just don't know if there is anything that will help except us separating. And that will kill me.  But that don't matter I am done.  Thanks again.  

[RockRose]

I'm going out on a limb here.  I don't think you're upset at the lie,  I think you're mad at him over the bald honest truth.

I'm about where you are.  I've been married almost as long,   and I know my husband doesn't get turned on by my looks the way he used to when I weighed 98 pounds when we first got married.  I'm now 125,  have some stretch marks,  some grey hairs,  c-section scars and my arms and back don't look like they used to.  When I would undress,  he would literally suck in air.  

I know that doesn't happen anymore.  That's life.  He loves me,  he's with me,  and it's not like I turn him off.  I know he would prefer that I looked like I did when we first met.  

Why are you trying to make him say that to you?  The bald honest truth.  You know it,  I know it,  and thank goodness the men are kind enough and savvy enough not to just say it - because that's stupid and cruel.

Best wishes.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Like RockRose, I too think it may more than the "simple" "lie".

I think it could be about porn addiction and that You feel He only has interest in You AFTER He views porn....and I have come to learn this can be a BIG issue in some relationships.

Looking at porn ain't what it used to be!!  8 x 10 glossies in a magazine (Playboy, Hustler) is NOT the same as "virtual sex" and porn on our computers today.  I read an article in a "PSYCOLOGY TODAY" magazine and did I get an education!! - apparently there is a whole NEW spin on TODAY's pornography which comes to us via our computers.  It's no longer a matter of "it's okay if He looks but doesn't touch"!!  Time and Technology has changed all this.  

The article is titled "Your Brain on Porn Series:  Porn Addiction" by Gary Wilson.  Please - read it - it's on the same computers that bring us the  porn.  I think You'll be surprised at what You learn.  It seems that today's porn has become a BIG, troublesome issue in a LOT of Relationships.  Until I read this article I did not understand the term "porn addiction", I thought it was an "obsession",  more than a bit selfish, if He let it interfere with His relationship -  but now, what I have learned is that: Porn "overstimulates" the Brain and with enough of this "OVER" stimulation the Brain actually changes!! - the SAME changes that occur with ALL addictions!!

As I understand it, the "INTENSITY" of porn that is displayed on our computers creates a "hightened" level of stimulation that our "primitive" Brains weren't intended to experience & because of that, the Brain of SomeOne who regulary uses porn causes changes in the neuropathways of the Brain - in the SAME ways of an alcoholic or drug user/addict!!  - the chemical neurotransmitter "dopamine" is the "culprit".   The more "intense" the experince, the more dopamine is released into the Brain - "dopamine" is behind ALL motivation - but when the Brain is  OVER stimulated, we get addiction. When we submit OurSelves to OVER stimulation our Brain "re wires" itself for the addiction (whatever it may be - porn, drugs, alcohol, whatever) AND for the "NEW" neuro pathways that We are creating with this OVER stimulation.   It's the "dopamine" that we become addicted to, whatever path it is we have chosen to raise these levels (again, it could be porn, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, whatever)

We all need to read this ("Your Brain on Porn") for "enlightenment"!!   We had better get a handle on what we are doing to OurSelves and Our Children before we "do away" with the Human Race altogether  - std's, AIDS, whatever else is on the horizon because of Our promiscuity and addictions AND if  the act of sex is no longer necessary between REAL Men and REAL Women because Men are fulfilling Their dopamine levels with  porn, then there will be NO pro-creation!!  We better start thinking, about what We are doing!!.  For all Our technology, we STILL "operate" with our "primitive" Brains!!  If we cannot see this, see what We are doing to OurSelves, what about Our Children, Our GrandChildren??  Won't these changes, won't these technologies affect them too????  Of course it will.!! The question is "How far will it go??"
There have been civilizations in the past hat have destroyed themselves - Is this where We are headed??
Wouldn't it be sad, really, really sad if we ended up annihilating ourselves over an addiction to PORN!!??

(I may be thinking "outside the box"!!?? - but this stuff is interesting to me!!)

[worriedwife81]

Thanks for your input.  The "LIE" or should I say "LIES" are my issue.  If he would have just been honest with me from the beginning 34 years ago.  I totally despise lies.  And he knows it.  But has done it from the beginning.  And yes of course it bothers me that he does not "want" my body.  But it is not the big problem.  We went 20 something years without much intimacy.  Only every now and then.  So that is not a problem for me.  I guess during those years I did not see it because our kids kept me busy and he worked offshore.  But now I look back I realize he did not "want" me then either and was looking and lusting at other women.  And I was in good shape then.  Not that I am in terrible shape now.  Older, a few grays, a little extra weight and gravity has taken over a bit. And he don't look like when we first met either.  But he, up to a few weeks ago, turned me on so much.  Now my desire is just gone. Can't torture someone and not expect changes.   Anyway.  Thanks  

[worriedwife81]

Thanks TTinKKerBBell.  As far as I can see he don't look at "porn".  He just searches for pictures of skinny, sexy women.  Not watching sex.  And YES of course it hurts that he has to look at another woman in order to have sex with me.  It would hurt anyone.  He thinks it makes me angry.  But it does not.  It just HURTS me.  I don't need sex.  Never have.  Only did for him.  Now I did get to a point to where I did need.  But with his only wanting now and then it has left.  I mean you can only torture someone so much before they change.  Can't want sex a few days in a row then nothing for 2 or so weeks.  And once he started can't finish.  That is why we did not have intercourse much in the past.  I am to the point to where I don't need again so it is all good.  He can look at all the sexy women he wants then he can go jerk off.  I am done.  As long as he don't lie about.  I HATE lies.  I am a honest person. And I take Pride in that.  If I can't tell you the truth I just as soon say NOTHING at all.  So you see.  It IS the lies I have a problem with.  And now it is TRUST.  How do you have a relationship with no trust?  I just don't believe anything he says now.   Anyway. Thanks so much for your help.  I will just do what I always do.  Keep it to myself and live in misery and distrust.

[RockRose]

Worriedwife,  have you ever thought about a good therapist?  I mean a really good one,  who digs right into the wounds and gets to the root of the problem,  not just lets patients talk and talk in circles.

I'm just not sensing - at all - that you're dealing with what's bothering you head on.  Your statements conflict too much.  In rereading,  do you see how you keep going back and forth between saying it hurts you a great deal that he doesn't want you,  and then you quickly turn around and say it doesn't hurt you,  or even make you angry,  all that angers you is that he won't tell you the truth that you don't turn him on.  

You just keep changing your mind in your statements about what's making you so enraged,  and you keep using words like "tortured" all this time,  and then you retreat to saying everything was fabulous until very recently.  Then you revert to saying you've always been tortured by him,  for 20 years.  Then again it was great until 2 months ago.

I don't know you,  and I'm not a therapist so I can't even guess at what you're avoiding staring down,  but it's something.  

Reread back through this thread and notice how many about faces you do,  even within consecutive sentences.

I wish you the very best.

[worriedwife81]

My husband says he don't see why people need a therapist.  All you need to do is find what is making you unhappy and fix it.  So what do you think me going to a therapist would do to our already stained relationship?
I don't recall saying everything was fabulous until very recently. I did say"our sex life has not been good" I don't see where I said it was great until 2 months ago either.  
I guess something is wrong with me.  It does hurt that he don't want me.  It does. But I am to the point that I don't care anymore.  I don't care if he looks and lust over other women.  But it does hurt.  I Never said I was enraged.  Not once.  And it is torture when you are brought to the edge and left there hanging so many times.  And also when he wants sex a few day in a row then don't even touch me for 2 or so weeks.  That leads to not wanting sex at all on my part.  And when I ask about it or try to understand why it is so sporadic, HE gets upset.
I read back and don't see what you are talking about.  
I guess I am avoiding staring down a separation and divorce.  Trying to not get there.  And yes I am not happy about his lusting at other women.  I know I am not.  And yes I am very unhappy about his lying.  I know I am that too.  I am trying to figure out if we can avoid the separation and divorce.  I love him.  And I guess I know he loves me.  My issue is getting my head around the "trust" again.  
Thanks

[TTinKKerBBell]

Your Husband said He "don't see why People need a therapist, all You need to do is find what is making You unhappy and fix it"

# 1:  It looks to me like You think You HAVE found what is making You unhappy ("his lying")
#2:   and, We cannot "fix" what we percieve to be "wrong" with SomeOne else.  There's no doubt in my mind that You have told Him again and again that - no matter what He may be doing,  You DO NOT want Him to lie to You.  So - have You "fixed" that??!!

We cannot, EVER, fix SomeOne else - we can ONLY "fix" OurSelves.

So, go "fix" YourSelf.  Go to therapy and "learn" how to "accept" what You perceive to be lies from Your Husband or "learn" how to take charge of Your OWN life and realize what You CAN or CANNOT fix, what You ARE or ARE NOT willing to accept in a relationship.

P.S.  I agree with RockRose.  She's a Wise and Sensitive Woman and She's picking up on something here that You may not easily see because You are so "close" to the situation.

We all mean well.  You come here for advice and People can only "call" it as they "see" it.  Take what You can use and leave the rest.  The choice is always Yours.

I also wish You the best.

[worriedwife81]

I am sorry if you took anything I said wrong.  I was just answering RockRose's post.  I did go back and read and did not see what she was talking about.  I guess I am missing something.  I went back and reread it a few times to make sure.  I appreciate all the advice I have gotten here.  And I am very Thankful for it all.
To answer your question.  No, I have not "fixed" it.  I told him he has to fix it.  And he don't.  So it will never be fixed.  So I will never have trust again.  I am depressed.  I know I am.  And have come to the conclusion that it is not just him.  I am living in a state I don't want to be.  Away from my family and friends.  I have no one here except my husband.  I so want to go home.  This is not home.  This is a house.  And I think I hold that as his fault.  So I am trying to sort through it all.  Maybe that is what RockRose was feeling.  I don't know.  
I really want to say Thank You all for the advise.  I guess I will get through it.
Have a blessed day.  

[RockRose]

Worried,  I think you've totally hit on it here.  It sounds like you are completely unhappy in life,  not living where you want to be,  not happy with how you look,  lonely,  dissatisfied in the most general terms with your lot in life,  and you're feeling very angry.  And when you feel those angry feelings you look around,  and just sort of guess it's because he lied about looking at pretty thin young women,  and you're piling all your unhappiness at life in general on that one little thing when in fact you're really very dissatisfied with the entire package.

I used to do recreational programs for adults with mental retardation,  and there was this woman who one day was limping a lot.  Real difficulty walking.  She kept pointing to this nearly healed small cut on her thigh and saying it hurt too much to walk.  After a couple days of this her caseworker took her to the hospital for an x-ray - there was NO WAY that little healing cut hurt that much.  Sure enough she had a hairline hip fracture that was causing her horrible pain.  In her pain,  she looked down and tried to figure out what the cause was and was guessing it was this little thing because she couldn't think of any other way to explain the pain.

I kind of think that's what you're doing.  You're very unhappy in very big terms with your life as it is right now,  and you're guessing it's because your husband is looking at pictures of think sexy young women and getting turned on,  and trying to cover it up.

That last post you wrote just feels really,  really right to me.

I wish you all the best and hope you are able to sort through all these thoughts you are having and make some headway.  Have a blessed day,  yourself.  ;D

[TTinKKerBBell]

I told You so!!  RockRose is a Wise!! and Sensitive!! Woman.
I hope You will heed what She says.

ALL of us only want Your happiness.
Regards,
Tink

[brice1967]

If you've got a few minutes, I want to add to the very sage advice above.  (Those gals are smart as all get out and so, so informative!!!)

As said above, you cannot change him so in short, he has to take care of his problems.  He also has to want to address what you see as problems.  There needs to be an incredible amount of dialogue between the two of you.  There needs to be some understanding on both sides.... this is why the good folks above have mentioned therapy or counseling.  Having a trained professional looking at the situation from the outside in, not taking sides, can be so beneficial.  Again, this has to be something that both of you want to do.  If one of you wont commit to this, it won't work.  

So, if he won't commit to getting some help (or fixing it himself-which he cannot do.  If he could, there would be no therapists or counselors anywhere.... we tend to bury ourselves in our issues and burden ourselves with more issues.  A therapist weeds that out and gets to the real issue...) why don't you go to therapy for just you?  You go to therapy and get help clearing out the cobwebs.....  Your life has value, and I know you know that.  You are trying to succumb to the thought that this is your lot in life (that is the depression).  At the same time, you are here getting your self propped up.... you know on another level that you don't want to go down this way.

You need to know that you have options, and every one of those options have a ray of sunshine in all of them.  This will be difficult, but you have to at least do something for yourself.  You are worth it!

[worriedwife81]

Thanks Brice.  I will see how things go after we talk once again.  Thanks for the comment my life has value.  Sometimes I don't think so.  I think it is easier to talk to a stranger than someone I know sometimes.  I have lived like this for a long time.  I always put my husband before me then my children came and they came before me also.  I guess I am used to being last.  And by the time it comes to me there is nothing left.  I just really never thought he would look  me in the eye and lie to me.  Never.  I will get over it one day.  
Thanks again all.  Bless you all.

[brice1967]

You're welcome.  You know.... I did to my wife what your husband did to you.  I looked my wife in the eye and lied my butt off.  This is something that I had never done before and didn't even think I was capable of.  I was, and it almost ruined my wife.

Her feelings compare to yours.  It damaged her self worth/self image, completely destroyed the trust.... so much more.

The only difference was that I knew that I loved my wife and I had to make it right, at least let her have the truth in order for her individually or us together to move forward.  Each bit of truth was another sledgehammer to the foundation of what our marriage stood on.... I dragged it out too long, but her reaction made me feel as if she couldn't handle the truth all at once.... Were past that now, thankfully.

I knew I had a ton of work to do... I knew it would be the most difficult thing that either of us would have to do, and it proved to be that way.  I think we are more or less out of the woods, but both of our work is continually and it has to be.

Relationships take work.  It is constant.  Relationships are like a baby and they need attention, all day every day.  If one person can't do the work or won't do the work, the relationship is sure to be doomed.

In closing, your life does have worth and your kids can learn so much right now.  I suggest doing everything you can to "prop" yourself up.  Doing things that make you feel good... things like therapy, even if by yourself.  Simpler things.... do your hair, nails, and put things like house work on the back burner... you'll get to those things, but after you do for you....  You need to investigate all options.  You need to find time with friends, even if it is at your house over a cup of coffee.  

You do have worth and it will become evident again.

[worriedwife81]

Wow.  You made me cry.  I wish my husband understood like you do.  He tells me many times a day, everyday he loves me.  And I do believe that.  I just hope he is still "in love" with me.  The last time we talked I told him I would not bring it up again.  So it is hard for me to go back on my word.  I did tell him I am trying very hard to believe him again.  But it still hurts when I think about it.  
I know a relationship is work.  Can't just leave it sit and it will grow.  We work at it everyday.  I am praying he wants to continue doing the work.  I guess we will see.  If not I guess we will be headed for a separation.  I just can't continue living like this.  I am almost gone.  I am fighting for "me" right now.  If I don't no one will.  Like I said I know he loves me.  He treats me very good other than the lying.  He is not abusive or anything like that.  He is a very good provider.  Just not very sensitive to my feelings.  I would like a little romance and I don't think he thinks we need it.  Just send me some flowers now and then or something like that.  I have told him that.  And I feel like if I have to tell him then he is only doing it because I said something.  Anyway.  I will stop.  
I have no desire to do anything.  Our daughter came visit and she and I went get a mani/pedi.  But I only do that now and then.  I hate house work, but do what I have to.  Used to love doing my flower beds and such.  Now I have no desire to do that either.   Can't have time with friends.  I have no friends here.  And even if I found a friend here it would take a very long time to be able to talk to her.  
Thanks again so much.  

[brice1967]

Hold on a second.  2 things.... from what you just wrote I gathered that you do realize your life has value and that you want a little romance.

The second part is something I want to go over.....  A lot of guys are numb to romance.  I was.  I did all of the nice things when I was courting my wife.  I bought flowers, I left the random "love notes".  Somewhere, it stopped.  For some guys, (and I was one of them) romance was my wife sitting next to me during a movie.  (How freaking far off the romance mark is that?)

There is a book called "The 5 Love Languages".  I suggest that at least you read it, and it would be real good if you two could read it together.  We get ourselves all screwed up with real life happening around us and we lose focus.  This book describes 5 different 'languages" which are basically our unsaid wants/desires of our spouse and also allows us to find out what it is that WE want.

I have to tell you.  I've read every word in that book before, but never in the context that the author laid it out in.  It makes sense, and if the two of you can read it together, there are little quizzes and things to stop and ponder together.

What brought the idea of this book to mind for you guys is that you mentioned "Flowers, every once in a while".  That falls within one of the languages and he might be totally oblivious of it, regardless of how long you've been married.  

Anyhow, it is just a thought.

But, here's the deal again.  You do sound as if you are depressed.  Have you gone to the doctor for a proper diagnosis?  If not, you should and you should ask the doctor about a good plan to follow.  It will probably require some therapy (which I think would prove to be beneficial) and doing some things for you.  Not doing things that we used to enjoy is a big old sign of depression.  Anyone would be in your shoes, but this is doable.  Get some exercise every day.  Short 10 minute walks in the sun are good, then ramp it up.  

Please speak to your doctor about an appropriate avenue to attack this.  I understand depression pretty well, having gone through it myself.  Do this for you....