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How to deal with an my man and his ex
My story is kind of long but ill try to make it short, when i got involved with my man he was married at the time he decided to leave his wife to live with me now is been 2 years since this happen, short after he lefter her she told me that she was pregnant so when i told him he said that he still wanted to be with me so he never left even do i told him that he was free to go back to her well she had the baby and he started to see the baby after a month or so when the baby got a little older he would pick the baby up and would bring her home well one day his ex saw us and realize that i was pregnant she called me and told me that she did not wanted anything from him and that he would never see his little girl again. After a month she called him back to ask for some money and told him that if he wanted to see the baby she need to be around that she did not want me around her daughter and that is my problem yeah its been 2 years but he has not file for divorce and I'm currently 29weeks pregnant he tells me that he only goes to see his little girl that he loves me and would not do me wrong that he does not want to loose me but i hate that she calls to ask him things about her car and all this other personal stuff i don't know how to deal with the fact that she spends 4,5 or 6 hours with him using the baby as an excuse, every time she finds out something about us she gets mad and takes the baby away from him but then at the same time he does not want to take her to court he tell me that he does not want to be ugly to her, i think that because he fills guilty of cheating and leaving her. What could i do to deal with this is killing me inside every time that i talk to him about it we end up in a fight please help me!!
Believe me I understand she's upset, I really do...for a long time I stuck up for her because I knew she was hurting. But hurting is one thing, being vicious is another. She has called me in the middle of the night and said "I'm going to put my daughter on the phone so she can tell you how many times me and him have sex". That's just sick. It wasn't even true, and she admitted she figured I would believe it if it came from the little one. She works in a hospital so she has every available resource for counseling right in front of her. If she really can't work through it and start the healing process for her kids sake then that is her cross to bear...we can't continue to take responsibility for her actions. She is the one that initiates the phone calls and text messages. I don't want to change my number because I feel that she needs to be able to contact him in case of an emergency....but leaving rude messages for me or him is unacceptable...I have children as well and they don't need to hear voicemails trashing me. Having feelings is natural and uncontrollable...what we can control is how we deal with them. What is she teaching her kids? If you don't like a situation it's ok to verbally abuse that person? I'm pretty sure she's not a bad person, I just have a real problem with a parent not being able to put their feelings aside in respect to the kids. We ran into her in a store one time, she had their kids and we had mine with us. I just continued to get what I came in there for and tried not to make an issue of it. Once the kids said hello to us they went back to where she was standing and she walked away from them. She yelled at her daughter and told her it was all her fault because she wanted to go to that store. The things I have an issue with are things I have witnessed first hand. I don't hate that woman and I don't fault her for being angry...but she needs to stop hurting her kids. Whatever words she wants to say to me directly I can take and I can let it roll off me....those kids are going to carry that pain for a long time. It's our jobs as parents to protect our kids and teach them that life isn't always easy and things don't always work the way we want or hope.
Well it's a different sort if he started a relationship after it was over for real. Technically he is still married but separated. So any relationship he has while he's still married is considered adultry. But that's just by legal definitions. I think it is a positive thing that he left her before beginning a new relationship but let's just see how she sees things. They were broken up for how long before he moved on with you? Let's say you and him split and the next day he's already with another woman, how would you feel? Add a couple of kids into that mix. My point is to you, no he shouldn't have to live a miserable life and be under her control forever, and no she shouldn't use the kids to hurt him. It's definitely not fair to them and it is very selfish on her part. I just need you to understand that there are always 3 sides to a story, his side, her side and the truth. It's unfair to say how horrible this woman is when you have no clue of how hurt she feels by his actions. I know what it's like to deal with a horrible ex. My fiance's ex-wife is horrendous and always used their daughter to hurt him. It was disgusting and uncalled for. She's done horrible things to us and it's inexcusable. But I'm sure my fiance at some point hurt her and I know she at some point hurt him. I'm sure it's more complicated then what your boyfriend tells you. Remember, you only hear his side of things. Try to have a little patience and understanding. That's all I'm saying.
Can someone explain something to me? You don't need to be married to be in a relationship but you need to be divorced to end it? I believe both things are just a piece of paper. The relationship ended. He left her. He ended the relationship with her. How many ways can I say it. It's over. Finished. Done. That's it! Does anyone in their right mind really need a judge to say it's over before they accept it's over? So because she realized after he was gone, "oops, I might still care about him after all" that means he's not entitled to his happiness? Is a divorce decree going to change how she feels....like ok, the judge signed the paper, wow, I suddenly stopped caring about him, what a relief? We didn't pursue our relationship until he left her. I told him I wouldn't get involved with him unless he left her first because that wouldn't be fair to either of us. Under the theory that she's the wife she can do what she wants....what happens when the divorce is final? It's time to start acting like an adult and stop trying to manipulate the children and the ex and move on. BTW she's the second wife, so does the first wife trump her? Think about it....thinking that because she's married to him she has the right to control the rest of his life is just not reality.
As much as I agree kids should not be involved I do find it appalling that a relationship started while he was still married to her. I don't blame her for being royally hurt and upset at her husband's actions. He cheated on her and left her with the kids. I'm not taking her side but if he was a stand up guy, he would've ended that relationship first before getting involved with you. Stop blaming her and start looking at your b/f's actions that led up to this point.
Mayflowers you said the magic word...boundaries. I have the same situation minus the pregnant part. My man DOES NOT WANT to be with his wife. Period. But she uses the kids to get him over there....one day he can take the kids, the next day he can't, depending on her mood. I know that I have a part in the mess, I accept that responsibility. I do not accept using kids to get what you want. His ex actually picks fights with their 9 year old daughter so she will call him to come over. I am a firm believer in the fact that a bad relationship does not allow you to be the parent you need to be....so staying together for the kids sake doesn't usually work. Where I live neither parent has custody of the child without a court order....you don't need to get a divorce right away to get rights to be with your children. That should be the first step. I know in our case money is the issue for the divorce not being started. In my experience here she's not going to move on with her life until he stops feeling sorry and guilty and sticks to the boundaries...I would expect a phone call in the middle of the night because one of the kids is sick enough for the emergency room, but not because she has a cough. If the relationship is over it needs to be over.
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