How to deal with an my man and his ex

[kc7578]

My story is kind of long but ill try to make it short, when i got involved with my man he was married at the time he decided to leave his wife to live with me now is been 2 years since this happen, short after he lefter her she told me that she was pregnant so when i told him he said that he still wanted to be with me so he never left even do i told him that he was free to go back to her well she had the baby and he started to see the baby after a month or so when the baby got a little older he would pick the baby up and would bring her home well one day his ex saw us and realize that i was pregnant she called me and told me that she did not wanted anything from him and that he would never see his little girl again. After a month she called him back to ask for some money and told him that if he wanted to see the baby she need to be around that she did not want me around her daughter and that is my problem yeah its been 2 years but he has not file for divorce and I'm currently 29weeks pregnant he tells me that he only goes to see his little girl that he loves me and would not do me wrong that he does not want to loose me but i hate that she calls to ask him things about her car and all this other personal stuff i don't know how to deal with the fact that she spends  4,5 or 6 hours with him using the baby as an excuse, every time she finds out something about us she gets mad and takes the baby away from him but then at the same time he does not want to take her to court he tell me that he does not want to be ugly to her, i think that because he fills guilty of cheating and leaving her. What could i do to deal with this is killing me inside every time that i talk to him about it we end up in a fight please help me!!

[vmvnpv]

I'm sorry but that's the mess you have to deal with.  You knew he was married when you started dating him, now you have to deal with it.  The only one's I feel bad for is those innocent children.  They are being used as a pawn and kids don't deserve that.  They never asked to be born into such a mess of a life.

[joesprincess2007]

It doesn't matter whether or not he left because he met me, because the fact of the matter is no one leaves a relationship if they are happy. So after years of a man telling his wife I am not happy because you are gone all the time and she says like it or leave it he left it.....too late for tears now. Maybe the reason he held out so long is because people in general don't like change. We like routine. But sometimes something or someone opens our eyes and we see that maybe a change is a good thing. Anyway, the original post in this thread was about the ex using the baby to get to the man. No one will ever convince me this is acceptable for any reason.

[mami1323]

No one is referring to the kids, that's you.  You said he approached you first and you told him to leave his wife before you and him even have a relationship.  You were a thought before he left and could be a factor in WHY he left.  Regardless, marriage does mean something or else it wouldn't exist anymore.  You can try to convince yourself otherwise to justify your actions or your bf's actions but marriage means a lot, perhaps that's why his wife is mad, it meant more to her then to him.  

[joesprincess2007]

Once again...he didn't cheat...he left first. What if after say, 20 years of us being together but not married....if I decided to leave him that would make the relationship over, wouldn't it? Would that have made him or I less committed to each other for those 20 years?  I don't think so. The problem in some cases...not all, but some....is that people..men AND women, refuse to face reality when a relationship ends.  My man was not living with her and seeing me on the side, or living with me and seeing her on the side.  The funny thing is that people seem to think that it's unacceptable for a woman to keep a man from his child if they are not married, but it's acceptable if they are.  When a couple is in a relationship without marriage and the woman gets pregnant and the relationship ends everyone is quick to tell the man he has rights....but because they were married all of a sudden the same rule doesn't apply? I just read a statistic that shows 43% of first marriages will face a "disruption" within 15 yrs. That's a pretty big number. That means it is quite common...so instead of pretending like it's not real life let's try to make a situation as painless for our kids as possible so maybe we can change that statistic in the future by giving them a better shot at healthy relationships. And why is it that we encourage women to become independent and leave a marriage when they aren't happy but men are pigs when they do it? We seem to want equal rights only when it benefits us.

[mami1323]

Marriage does mean something, in means commitment.  Something your bf lacked since he decided to cheat on his wife.

[joesprincess2007]

Everyone commenting on "married" please read my post again.....you do not need marriage to be in a relationship because it is just a piece of paper....AS WELL.......you do not need a divorce decree for the relationship to be over because it is JUST A PIECE OF PAPER.....it cost $2000 just for a lawyer to start the process....in this RECESSION that we are in not many people have that money.  My ex husband and I were apart for over 2 yrs before we filed for divorce, and we were both in happy relationships with other people...we just didn't have the money.

[treazzure007]

i had a co-worker who has been dating a married man "who is getting divorced" for the past 8 years.  the wife (we can't call her ex wife now can we?) is still in touch with him everyday, calling him, needing his assistance w/ the kids, taking up his time away from co worker is how she sees it.  co worker used to rant and rave about that pestering wife being soooo annoying and rude, so obsessed w/ her boyfriend blah blah.  we used to listen and roll our eyes and talk her down when she walked off.  nobody has sympathy for the woman dating the husband.  sorry.  they are still married.  they probably will be another decade getting divorced seeing that the child is young and he hasn't made moves already.  not only that, if you were not there, he'd likely be back w/ his wife now.  just get used to it all.  in some countries, all the man's women and children live together you know  

[concern293]

hey this sounds something like my life but my husband and his ex were not together she was already half way in her pregnancy. but she has never stopped having feelings for him. she uses his daughter to hurt him and doesn't let him see her cause her man doesn't let her even though he's not the father of my step daughter.
and she doesn't have any problem with me seeing her cause i never get involve in there problem and she knows that i got with him after.
this is something that you need to resolve and think if he left his wife for you, you don't think his going to do it again being with you, his not going to change. and you need to let him go. married man are taken and women need to respect that especially if you know he has a family.

[pinkbelle]

I think that before you got into this relationship .. he should have truly ended his relationship with her.. he should have filed for divorce.. if he is truly sincere about being with you then he should have already filed those papers.. it sounds like 'he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too' .. men love attention and hey why not get it from two different women?  I truly feel bad for the wife.. its a tough situation for her.. I would be very hurt and upset..  but i am a firm believer in karma and honey your karma is not good right about now. im not judging just simply stating a fact..  You chose to get into this relationship fully knowing he was married ( seperated or not) so you knew that it would not be just an easy relationship.. you knew it would get messy and if you say you didn't then honey you are just lieing to yourself.. i say you gotta take the good with the bad.. if you want to be with him then you are gonna have to deal with this issue.. his daughter will always be his daughter no matter what.. remember that! and once a cheater always a cheater .. sorry but 99% of the time its true.. maybe you know that deep down and thats why you feel so insecure about it

[joesprincess2007]

She admitted she lied and used the kids to make it seem believable. Once I told her sex is meaningless she decided that tactic didn't work.She's just not willing to let go and will use any means necessary...I expect a certain amount of emotion but a person who goes to such extremes for such a long time is not mentally stable.  I've been in her shoes, I understand how it hurts, but then you get a grip on reality and realize it just wasn't meant to be and you move on. Two people have to love each other to make a relationship work, if one doesn't feel anything for the other what would be the point in keeping it going?

[AnxiousGurl]

what a mess is right. and you had no right to get involved with a married man. and if he's willing to have an affair, no doubt he'll do it to you too. now your pregnant. you cant get mad at him for speaking with her, theyre still married, why dont you get out of a relationship with him til you know he's divorced. if he ever gets a divorce. hun sorry to say but, your in a relationship with a cheater, and thats what you get. I dont know what else to tell you. She will always have something to do with him, seeing he is the father of their children, there is nothing you can do about that one.

[mami1323]

That is true, it's not right to put the kids in the middle.  I hope your bf is willing to get the kids some counseling.  How do you know that what she was telling you wasn't true about them having sex still?  Well I hope the children don't continue to suffer like that.

[joesprincess2007]

Believe me I understand she's upset, I really do...for a long time I stuck up for her because I knew she was hurting.  But hurting is one thing, being vicious is another.  She has called me in the middle of the night and said "I'm going to put my daughter on the phone so she can tell you how many times me and him have sex". That's just sick. It wasn't even true, and she admitted she figured I would believe it if it came from the little one.  She works in a hospital so she has every available resource for counseling right in front of her.  If she really can't work through it and start the healing process for her kids sake then that is her cross to bear...we can't continue to take responsibility for her actions.  She is the one that initiates the phone calls and text messages. I don't want to change my number because I feel that she needs to be able to contact him in case of an emergency....but leaving rude messages for me or him is unacceptable...I have children as well and they don't need to hear voicemails trashing me.  Having feelings is natural and uncontrollable...what we can control is how we deal with them.  What is she teaching her kids?  If you don't like a situation it's ok to verbally abuse that person?  I'm pretty sure she's not a bad person, I just have a real problem with a parent not being able to put their feelings aside in respect to the kids. We ran into her in a store one time, she had their kids and we had mine with us. I just continued to get what I came in there for and tried not to make an issue of it. Once the kids said hello to us they went back to where she was standing and she walked away from them.  She yelled at her daughter and told her it was all her fault because she wanted to go to that store.  The things I have an issue with are things I have witnessed first hand.  I don't hate that woman and I don't fault her for being angry...but she needs to stop hurting her kids. Whatever words she wants to say to me directly I can take and I can let it roll off me....those kids are going to carry that pain for a long time. It's our jobs as parents to protect our kids and teach them that life isn't always easy and things don't always work the way we want or hope.

[mami1323]

Well it's a different sort if he started a relationship after it was over for real.  Technically he is still married but separated.  So any relationship he has while he's still married is considered adultry.  But that's just by legal definitions.  I think it is a positive thing that he left her before beginning a new relationship but let's just see how she sees things.  They were broken up for how long before he moved on with you?  Let's say you and him split and the next day he's already with another woman, how would you feel?  Add a couple of kids into that mix.  My point is to you, no he shouldn't have to live a miserable life and be under her control forever, and no she shouldn't use the kids to hurt him.  It's definitely not fair to them and it is very selfish on her part.  I just need you to understand that there are always 3 sides to a story, his side, her side and the truth.  It's unfair to say how horrible this woman is when you have no clue of how hurt she feels by his actions.  I know what it's like to deal with a horrible ex.  My fiance's ex-wife is horrendous and always used their daughter to hurt him.  It was disgusting and uncalled for.  She's done horrible things to us and it's inexcusable.  But I'm sure my fiance at some point hurt her and I know she at some point hurt him.  I'm sure it's more complicated then what your boyfriend tells you.  Remember, you only hear his side of things.  Try to have a little patience and understanding.  That's all I'm saying.

[joesprincess2007]

Can someone explain something to me? You don't need to be married to be in a relationship but you need to be divorced to end it? I believe both things are just a piece of paper. The relationship ended. He left her. He ended the relationship with her. How many ways can I say it. It's over. Finished. Done. That's it! Does anyone in their right mind really need a judge to say it's over before they accept it's over? So because she realized after he was gone, "oops, I might still care about him after all" that means he's not entitled to his happiness? Is a divorce decree going to change how she feels....like ok, the judge signed the paper, wow, I suddenly stopped caring about him, what a relief? We didn't pursue our relationship until he left her. I told him I wouldn't get involved with him unless he left her first because that wouldn't be fair to either of us. Under the theory that she's the wife she can do what she wants....what happens when the divorce is final? It's time to start acting like an adult and stop trying to manipulate the children and the ex and move on. BTW she's the second wife, so does the first wife trump her? Think about it....thinking that because she's married to him she has the right to control the rest of his life is just not reality.

[mami1323]

As much as I agree kids should not be involved I do find it appalling that a relationship started while he was still married to her.  I don't blame her for being royally hurt and upset at her husband's actions.  He cheated on her and left her with the kids.  I'm not taking her side but if he was a stand up guy, he would've ended that relationship first before getting involved with you.  Stop blaming her and start looking at your b/f's actions that led up to this point.

[joesprincess2007]

Mayflowers you said the magic word...boundaries. I have the same situation minus the pregnant part. My man DOES NOT WANT to be with his wife. Period. But she uses the kids to get him over there....one day he can take the kids, the next day he can't, depending on her mood. I know that I have a part in the mess, I accept that responsibility. I do not accept using kids to get what you want. His ex actually picks fights with their 9 year old daughter so she will call him to come over. I am a firm believer in the fact that a bad relationship does not allow you to be the parent you need to be....so staying together for the kids sake doesn't usually work. Where I live neither parent has custody of the child without a court order....you don't need to get a divorce right away to get rights to be with your children.  That should be the first step.  I know in our case money is the issue for the divorce not being started.  In my experience here she's not going to move on with her life until he stops feeling sorry and guilty and sticks to the boundaries...I would expect a phone call in the middle of the night because one of the kids is sick enough for the emergency room, but not because she has a cough.  If the relationship is over it needs to be over.

[teko]

I just wanted to add to this that I sincerely hope everything works out in the end. Hind site is always 20/20.  We all live and learn and you will too. I am sooo glad I do not have hormones anymore.lol

[teko]

You play, you pay. Too late to cry fowl. Sorry! It is only going to get worse at this point.

[heatherlynn22]

well as the others have said....you created this mess. what did you expect would happen my fooling around with a married man? did you really think he'd divorce her? she has his child. she is his wife..he's going to spend time with his family. whether you like it or not...she and the baby is his family. it's sad to say but....you're just his pregnant mistress. it's time to start thinking about that baby. do  you want him/her to grow up in that sort of environment? think about what's best for the baby now. not what's best for you.

[treazzure007]

the bible says that spouses who abandon their mates will come back.  so, in my mind, when i hear that a married couple has simply split up, or one spouse has left for a new thrill, i know it's not a matter of will one return, but when.  too bad you didn't know what you were getting yourself into.  not when you hooked up w/ a married man, not when his wife was expecting, not when etc, etc....   too bad

[Agiesmom]

Ugh.  God help these poor children.

The others are right.  Why would you expect anything more than you are getting from a man who cheated on and left his pregnant wife?

There's nothing really to suggest to help the situation, though.  The only way it could be better is if the selfish adults put the kids first--and, very sadly, it doesn't look like that will happen.  Then again, adults who create this type of situation are far from selfless--far from putting others (even helpless children) before their own selfish desires.

How sad.

[babypooh]

Honey, if you feel that frustration and anger because she calls him and spends some time with her husband, how do you think she feels that her husband left her pregnant for you? You knew that he's married; exactly how perfect did you think things would turn out? I hope you don't get offended, but it's the truth; common sense.  There's really nothing you can do exept talk to him about it and ask him to not give in to her demands so often. Yes, he probably feels guilty, he has every reason to feel that way.  Maybe he's not telling you everything either; maybe it's him that still feels something for his wife and that's why he is so willing to go see her.  We can never be sure that a man will be honest or faithful if when we get with them they are already cheating on someone else with us.  Then if something goes wrong, it's kind of a "you asked for it" kind of thing. Good luck with everything and may you have a healthy baby.

[mayflowers]

Wow, what a mess.  This is exactly why you don't mess with a married man no matter how much in love you think you are.  It's not love what you're feeling.  It's called "I don't want to be alone and this guy is paying attention to me so it must be love.  Plus, we're horny and have great sex".  His wife (ex or whatever she is) will always be in the picture and you'll have to deal with that ****.

If you really want to change this situation, set boundaries with both his wife and him and you.  You'll have to work together to come to some sort of compromise on what she can expect from him.  Don't get a lawyer but look for a mediator b/c they will help each of you make the best of this situation.  

Good luck.