How to tell a partner you have herpes

[Miss_depressed4100]

Hi,
I've been seeing someone for a lil while and I'm scared of the relationship getting sexual b/c I have herpes. I really like this guy but I'm scared of being rejected. I don't plan on having sex with him anytime soon but its something that been on my mind. The last time I had sex was when I actually contracted the virus like 4-5 months ago. Its starting to get hard not to think about sex or act on it. Would it be wrong to take meds so anyone I have sex with won't get it from me w/o telling them I have it??? I think telling someone I have this is the most depressing part of having herpes. Please help

[Miss_depressed4100]

Hey he actually called me and asked me if I was on any meds and I said yes. He also asked if we used a condom would he get it and I said no. He still wants to hang out with me but said he most likely won't try to have sex with me. I tild him he doesn't have to feel sorry for me and speak to me if he doesn't want to but he said he cares about me and still wants to be around me. I don't know if I should still hang out with him because I don't want to catch a lot of feelings for someone who just wants to be my friend. I mean I'm not mad at him because it's his decision and he had a right to know but I don't want any false hope. I also don't want to be treated differently. So I don't know if we should continue.
I found this online dating website for people who have stds. I think I might sign up for it. It would be way easier to date someone who already has herpes then explain it to someone who doesn't and get rejected. My close girlfriend doesn't think its necessary but I'll keep it In mind. What do you think? I would also have to put my picture up but I don't know if that's a good idea. But its a dating website and people have to know what you look like but its still scary.

[specialmom]

Oh honey,, Im sorry it is hard and he reacted as he did.  I will tell you that my dear friend contracted herpes in college and is now going on her 15th year of marriage in her late 40's.  

Maybe have some info to give someone and tell them in person.  Hard to do but in reality, herpes does not have to be passed to a partner at all and can cause little interference to your life.  I would ask your ob/gyn if he has any leaflets you could have to explain this.  And  then tell any man you are very close to in person.

You know what this is going to do though?  It will mean that any man that isn't sure about you and just seeing you as a stepping stone in their dating life or someone to have sex with is going to pass on being with you.  This is actually not a bad thing because you will find someone that truly loves you rather than using you for sex.  

See, there is a bright side.  give him time to digest the info and if you need to add to it that you are on supressive meds, are very careful, that with a condom it doesn't pass, etc. then contact him to tell him this.  

good luck sweetie.  Let us know what happens, okay?

[Miss_depressed4100]

Hey so I told the guy I have herpes. It was the hardest thing I've ever done I was so scared. I just expected him to hang up the phone or say something rude but he actually spoke to me and was very sympathetic. He said he has feelings for me but I doubt he'll want a relationship with me. I didn't bring up suppressive therapy or anything I just wanted him to digest the information. I feel like I did the right thing but this just makes me realize how hard dating is going to be. I'm just 22 yrs old and I'm such a good person I feel like that doesn't even matter now. As soon as I say herpes it's like I'm digging my own grave. I'm never going to have a real relationship because of this. I'm soo sad and depressed.

[Miss_depressed4100]

I know

[TTinKKerBBell]

Well, the Man is gone but the herpes is not.

All advice here remains the same regarding Your next relationship.

[Miss_depressed4100]

Thanks for all the advice I really appreciate it. We actually had a fight today and I don't think we,will continue to see each other so it's a good thing we were never intimate.

[MamacitaTP]

Where I'm from in Canada, if you know you have an incurable STD, and you hide it from a sexual partner, you can be charged. It's very important, and also moral, to tell him if you plan to get sexual with this man.
If he makes you feel dirty or uncomfortable when you tell him, he's obviously not worth your time anyway :)

[Londres70]

If the relationship is at a point where you both want to be sexual, then you have to be totally honest with this guy.  I agree that SM's 3rd paragraph would pretty much cover the open convo.  

You never know what he might be dealing with dear, so I wouldn't be afraid of honesty.  He could have a situation just the same or worse than yours.  

Good luck hon.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

Absolutely agree with the others.  You MUST tell Him.

It sounds like You may be asking for verbage?

I would use Special Mom's words in the 1st sentence of Her 3rd paragraph.

[Miss_depressed4100]

Thanks for the response,
How should I tell him?

[Miss_depressed4100]

Thanks for the response. You're  right I sgould be honest but Idk how to say it. I just feel like he'll think I'm dirty.

[Nighthawk61]

You really must be honest with your boyfriend about your herpes. It can be managed, but lying to him about something this important, can't be. Have faith, and realize that if he backs off it's for the best. You can have a good relationship and have herpes, IF you're honest about it. Maybe find someone on line who also has herpes, if this doesn't work out. My husband and I both have HepC, and we're able to help each other with the effects of it all. Honesty is always the best policy. How would you feel if someone kept something like this from you. Time's ticking, get busy being honest IMO. Good luck. You've done nothing wrong getting infected, it only happens when someone's not honest, so take yourself out of that category for sure, right?

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  No, that wouldn't be fair to have sex with him and not tell him you have the virus especially if you ever want a long term relationship with him.

You need to make sure that you have things under control.  Have you had an outbreak prior to the first one in which you now feel when one is coming (most people say they get a sensation before they have a full blown outbreak and begin taking the medication then) or are you going to take medication profilactily.  I would never consider having unprotected sex with him until possibly down the road when you are fully commited.  

And then you tell him you contracted this, you have it under control, you are very careful to not pass it and hope he understands.  If he doesn't, that is his perogative even if it stings a little bit.  He has the right to know and to make a decision about sexual contact or not.  

My dear friend contracted herpes in college.  She's now over 50 and been married for many years.  Her husband has never contracted herpes from her.  so, being careful means that you won't give it to him but he still needs to know about it.

good luck