How to tell my boyfriend i dont want to have sex for a while???

[candygram]

Hi, all I have already posted on this forum a week ago&i appreciated all the advice.

I have been working w a therapist&have been thinking a lot & I feel that I am going to abstain from sex. I feel it has done nothing but caused stress&anxiety in my life&i have other important things to focus on like getting into grad school. Stopping sex for me is easy, but how do I explain this to my bf? All friends say if he truly cares&concerned for u likes he says then it should not be an issue to him. I agree w them if he gets all bent out of shape then he is more worried about sex then about respecting my wishes.

Any advice on how to approach this. I love&care for my bf&sex won't make or break our relationship at least not for me cus I look at him as more then just my "lover," but I know him. He is prob gonna whine&act all cranky about it.

Any advice?

[specialmom]

I agree with you candygram, however, reality is a bit different.  For some men, sex is how they feel connected.  We are all different.  There is that book------ the 5 love languages and for some it is this physical contact.  And when they are picturing who they want to be in a long term relationship with-----------  they want to think sex is included.  For some (men and women) sex is a huge priority.  Whether you agree with it or not, it is still not right or wrong.  It is just what is important to them.  I personally feel sex is an important part of a partnership (among other things) and what makes it different from a friendship.  That's not to say that if I couldn't or he couldn't for some reason, that a break would damage the relationship.  But it is a valued part of the relationship that both of us respect.  

You know, I don't know if you should break up with him or not.  Are there other things that you are unhappy about?  I just feel like there is something going on that I don't quite understand.  But I guess bottom line is that if a relationship in the dating phase is causing us this much inner turmoil, it really isn't worth it.   So it is for you to decide if you give up at this point or not.  It does seem that your gut is trying to tell you something.  

I wish you luck but I'm getting the feeling that you will feel relieved if you break this off.  Let us know what you decide.  Best wishes and peace.

[candygram]

At the same time I feel like if he really loves & cares about me like he claims he does sex shouldn't matter like honestly. A relationship should be more than just sex anyway.

I'm fine w/o sex bc I care for him as a person&not someone who I'm "just doing it to"

I know the whole point of dating is to find who u r compatiable w, but I feel like I have invested so much time&energy into this relationship.

Question to u ladies should I just end it now or see how he responds to it? I sort of mentioned it over the phone&he didn't seem pissed off,but I'm gonna have a convo w him face to face which is better to me

[RockRose]

He isn't the one for you,  and you aren't the one for him.  

That's what dating is all about.  Great to figure this out early in the relationship.  

And yes,  if you tell a man in the dating stage of your relationship that you're done with sex,  it's likely he'll move on.  That's probably something he doesn't want to have  deal wit,  a woman who isn't interested in sex.

But since that's the phase you're in it's great you realized it now and can progress without a relationship for the time being.  

If you tell a man after you're married and have kids and you have health issues that you need a break from sex, it's very very likely he'll completely understand and give you a break.  If you tell a man you're dating that you're not interested in sex it's likely to go the other way.

Such is dating.  It's all about figuring out who is an appropriate partner.  

Good that you realize that you two are not meant for each other.

[candygram]

Yea, I'm starting to think maybe he isn't the one...I'm not sure though. Just typing this&thinking about him is making my heart race. Its like all my anxiety is clearly brought on by him.

If he can't accept no sex then I'm fine w that. Clearly that means he cares more about sex than me. So I wouldn't want to be w a man like that anyway.

I'm slowly working on my anxiety. I hope I get better soon bc living like this is hell! Thanks specialmom though for all your great advice I appreciate it :-)

[specialmom]

Well, I read your below post and you said that you've never had insecurity, anxiety, and trust issues like this before.  I read this post and you speak of trying to get into grad school and other stressful things going on in your life that can lead to anxiety.  I'm so happy you are seeing a therapist------- it can really be helpful in sorting things out.

My question for you is this----------- based on your other post and comments you made, do you think that perhaps this isn't the guy for you?  He makes you uneasy for some reason.  Whatever that reason is, these are new emotions.  I'm wondering if your subconscious isn't trying to tell you something.

I think it is fine to abstain from sex.  I think you just tell him that you are working through some things emotionally and it is easier for you to do that if you aren't having sex.  Go ahead and tell him you are having anxiety surrounding it.  Tell him you think it is important to work through this before resuming your sex life and you hope he understands.  He may and hopefully will.  He might not.  For some men, intimacy is really important and part of being with someone.  If that is the case, he may move on.  But as there is some question about this guy in  your  head, could you live with that?  I think I'd just be prepared that for many men, no sex is a deal breaker if it is for any length of time.  And this is okay because to them, it is an important part of closeness.  

Good luck but I do think you must get this anxiety sorted out and are on the right track to do so.