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Husband wants sex, i am not interested.
My husband and i have recently had a baby a month ago. He wants sex everyday but i am not interested and often see it as a chore. I want to be close to him and cuddle but am not interested in having any type of sex. if i dont have sex with him he pleases himself while watching pornography. Him watching pornography hurts me because i feel as if he likes that female better than me. He constantly bugs me for sex until i give in or later that night will masterbate. what should i do. please help me. This is effecting our marriage. It is causing him a lot of stress but at the same time i dont know how to become more interested and am currently unhappy with the way i look if i dont have on form fitting clothing and makeup but dont feel like doing this all the time.
It takes 6 weeks for the female body to heal enough after delivery, to have sex.
The behavior your husband is displaying is ABUSIVE!
It sounds like he is addicted to sex, if he has to do it that much. And the pornography with masterbation in front of you??? HE has a problem... Which means you have a problem. And now you have a baby to take care of. Isn't that just sooo convenient for him!
My BF was behaving like that. It took me realizing that I was LETTING HIM ABUSE ME, because I did not know better. That I was used to abuse, so he seemed OK.
I put my foot down. I got him in therapy. (I already was) It took almost losing the relationship, to get him to go. It has taken a while for him to see his behavior in light of the "norm".
He was on the phone with his sister... She said for him to give me a hug. He said "I'll give her one, but I I'll probably end up groping her... laugh laugh".
I saw that as very telling. I had just finished telling him I was tired of being "humped" all the time. I suggested that when he hugged his Mom or Sis or friends, he did not hump them... That I deserved that much respect. I was amazed at how much porno his friend e-mailed to him. I suggested he would have less problems with his computer if he did not go to those sites.
I would also try to figure out what makes him feel like he needs to placate himself that much. Like he needs to decompress or he is has low self esteem or he is feeling like a fish out of water (ignored) with the new baby.
The important thing is to take the PROPER CARE OF YOURSELF, SO YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABY!!!
6 weeks post childbirth for sex... You could get an infection, with your system open like it is. You want to have more kids probably... Take care of yourself.
Sex is not suppose to be a duty. The more you give in to inappropriate behavior, the worse it becomes. He comes to believe it is OK, and you convince yourself of that too. Then the whole thing festers and blows up.
The behavior your husband is displaying is ABUSIVE!
It sounds like he is addicted to sex, if he has to do it that much. And the pornography with masterbation in front of you??? HE has a problem... Which means you have a problem. And now you have a baby to take care of. Isn't that just sooo convenient for him!
My BF was behaving like that. It took me realizing that I was LETTING HIM ABUSE ME, because I did not know better. That I was used to abuse, so he seemed OK.
I put my foot down. I got him in therapy. (I already was) It took almost losing the relationship, to get him to go. It has taken a while for him to see his behavior in light of the "norm".
He was on the phone with his sister... She said for him to give me a hug. He said "I'll give her one, but I I'll probably end up groping her... laugh laugh".
I saw that as very telling. I had just finished telling him I was tired of being "humped" all the time. I suggested that when he hugged his Mom or Sis or friends, he did not hump them... That I deserved that much respect. I was amazed at how much porno his friend e-mailed to him. I suggested he would have less problems with his computer if he did not go to those sites.
I would also try to figure out what makes him feel like he needs to placate himself that much. Like he needs to decompress or he is has low self esteem or he is feeling like a fish out of water (ignored) with the new baby.
The important thing is to take the PROPER CARE OF YOURSELF, SO YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABY!!!
6 weeks post childbirth for sex... You could get an infection, with your system open like it is. You want to have more kids probably... Take care of yourself.
Sex is not suppose to be a duty. The more you give in to inappropriate behavior, the worse it becomes. He comes to believe it is OK, and you convince yourself of that too. Then the whole thing festers and blows up.
PS
Men frequently do not know what love is. They think that their sexual feelings are love. That their passion is the love. It can be hard for them to see it, because they are raised not to recognize alot of their feelings. I was amazed at how few emotions my BF was able to identify.
That comes from being raised with the idea that they will go to war. Women do not have that fear. They do not HAVE to go to war. So men tend to have less education in feelings... To a woman's extra education.
Men frequently do not know what love is. They think that their sexual feelings are love. That their passion is the love. It can be hard for them to see it, because they are raised not to recognize alot of their feelings. I was amazed at how few emotions my BF was able to identify.
That comes from being raised with the idea that they will go to war. Women do not have that fear. They do not HAVE to go to war. So men tend to have less education in feelings... To a woman's extra education.
not literal sex ... i should have said sexual attention ... excuse me for my mistake
Thank you for all of your comments. I really appriciate it. I didn't realize this is a form of abuse. The reason i give in to him sometimes is because i am afraid he will cheat if i do not ... he doesnt show signs of cheating but his father cheated on his mother and i have heard if you dont please your man that he will look for it elsewhere. I am very stressed right now, My baby has been colicky and her doctor wont diagnose her with it but i looked up all of the symptoms and she has all of them. all he wants to do is give her medicine for acid reflux. I am considering finding a new doctor. Another thing is that not only is my husband constantly nagging me for sex all evening when he gets home but he also doesnt want to seem to take care of the baby.. the other night i asked him if he would feed her (I have to take care of her from 10 pm to 3 or 4 pm the next day) he said he would but acted like he wanted nothing to do with it so i said you act like you want nothing to do with her, he replied right now i don't. I am afraid if i ask him about marriage counseling it will cause problems because he is too prideful to ask for help .. i was raised in a low income family and was taught to ask for help but only if i truly needed it, he was raised to not ask for help. He also gets angry when i talk to his mom about things (that sometimes are personal problems ... such as things he did that hurt me emotionally.. such as the porn issue) He also doesnt put back money if our baby were to need anything he says well if she needs anything we will just ask my mom and dad, and i hate doing this and depending on them for everything, i currently have no license to drive a car and have no way back to work and a baby to take care of, and i cannot afford child care even if i did work, and dont trust strangers with my child, so me working is out of the question right now and i admit i am not perfect ... since i had the baby i havent been doing as much housework as i should be or cooking him dinner ... but i figure hes 20 years old he should take care of himself because i have the baby and i have to take care of me and her. I have only been married for one year and am already afraid our marriage will end in a divorce because of all the problems we have.
He doesn't masterbate infront of me as a matter of fact he wont even let me in the room ... and if i walk into our bedroom because i forgot something of the baby's he hurrys up and tries to hide it. And now hes to the point that he wont even please himself unless i touch myself as well. I havent been to the doctor yet for my postpartum check up and i told him if i do this i may not be able to have any more children and he still insists that i do it among other things i shouldnt be doing yet. I already miscarried before i had my 1 month old.
Hi
Your husbands behavior as you describe it, is abuse. I am hoping he does not hit you.
Abusive people will ISOLATE their victim.
So if you have no license, it makes it much harder for you to avoid abuse.
Having a baby makes you financially dependent on him. He can use that to increase isolation. Then escalate the abuse.
I am not saying that is what he is doing. I am also saying that if he does these behaviors, he may not be aware that he is doing it.
It is important that you have CLEAR BOUNDARIES. I will do this... I WLL NOT do that. It is important for you to be consistent. Not only for your relationship with your husband, but with your baby.
Men, emotionally, are basically 12 year olds, with too much muscle.
You have rights!
You have the right not to be yelled at.
You have the right to your own body.
You ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have the right to say NO.
Humans have an inate sense of what is right and wrong. If you FEEL BAD about something, regardless of what anyone else says, it is BAD FOR YOU.
You may be becoming aware of his behavior in light of your desire to protect your baby. Your baby needs YOU!!!! Your husband needs to grow up.
Cheating is not sexual. Cheating is emotional. Your fear of his behavior is what he uses to manipulate you... Just like a little kid will pull a tantrum in a store... They know you are influenced by your surroundings.
If your parents are supportive... I am sure they love you... You could talk to them about the situation. NOT his Mom. That sounds like you are telling on him.
What you can do, is tell your Mom and Dad about how you are feeling. If you are fearful for any reason, you need to act to keep yourself and your baby healthy and happy. Your baby may be stressed by your tension, which can make the colic (which does not need pills) worse.
It may be helpful to visit with them for a couple of weeks while you negotiate your husband into marriage therapy.
Please realize that you are WORTHY of people LOVING you.
Please also realize, you see the world different now, YOU ARE SOMEONES MOM!
Your husbands behavior as you describe it, is abuse. I am hoping he does not hit you.
Abusive people will ISOLATE their victim.
So if you have no license, it makes it much harder for you to avoid abuse.
Having a baby makes you financially dependent on him. He can use that to increase isolation. Then escalate the abuse.
I am not saying that is what he is doing. I am also saying that if he does these behaviors, he may not be aware that he is doing it.
It is important that you have CLEAR BOUNDARIES. I will do this... I WLL NOT do that. It is important for you to be consistent. Not only for your relationship with your husband, but with your baby.
Men, emotionally, are basically 12 year olds, with too much muscle.
You have rights!
You have the right not to be yelled at.
You have the right to your own body.
You ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have the right to say NO.
Humans have an inate sense of what is right and wrong. If you FEEL BAD about something, regardless of what anyone else says, it is BAD FOR YOU.
You may be becoming aware of his behavior in light of your desire to protect your baby. Your baby needs YOU!!!! Your husband needs to grow up.
Cheating is not sexual. Cheating is emotional. Your fear of his behavior is what he uses to manipulate you... Just like a little kid will pull a tantrum in a store... They know you are influenced by your surroundings.
If your parents are supportive... I am sure they love you... You could talk to them about the situation. NOT his Mom. That sounds like you are telling on him.
What you can do, is tell your Mom and Dad about how you are feeling. If you are fearful for any reason, you need to act to keep yourself and your baby healthy and happy. Your baby may be stressed by your tension, which can make the colic (which does not need pills) worse.
It may be helpful to visit with them for a couple of weeks while you negotiate your husband into marriage therapy.
Please realize that you are WORTHY of people LOVING you.
Please also realize, you see the world different now, YOU ARE SOMEONES MOM!
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm concerned. He's 20 and how old are you? What I am concerned about is the way this relationship is going. There is a respect level that is missing, communication that is lacking, and a mature response to having a child and a home together that I am also not seeing.
We as women have to know what we want in life and have expectations of how we will be treated. We need to think about that BEFORE we have the kids. That is where making a good choice in a partner comes into play and laying down a solid foundation as a couple is essential. I'm just feeling like this step got missed here and now you are in a position of doing damage control.
Having a child is hard. It changes everything. No, we don't feel all that sexy after having a baby (well, I didn't). Our hormones fluctuate in odd ways and what is probably most problematic after a baby is the exhaustion that we have from caring for the baby, house, and ourselves. It is all very tiring. Partners are suppose to be understanding and heck, help out a little. I don't think we have to get mad at them when they don't and scream and shout. We need to clearly state what we expect. Have you asked him to help out? I think you need to calmly communicate to him where you stand. And then you'll have a better chance of creating a home enviroment that is healthy. I'm worried as many things you state are not all that healthy. Whether it is immaturity on his part or yours, you need to address making a peaceful home for your child.
If you belong to a church, maybe you could do some couples counseling to work on some of these things. Or if you have insurance, you could see a therapist. I really think it would be of benefit.
I wish you luck. This is a special time in your life with a new baby and all. Don't feel alone because many couple's have trouble adjusting to things once a baby comes. But I just want you to lay the groundwork to a happy home so that this doesn't get worse. good luck
We as women have to know what we want in life and have expectations of how we will be treated. We need to think about that BEFORE we have the kids. That is where making a good choice in a partner comes into play and laying down a solid foundation as a couple is essential. I'm just feeling like this step got missed here and now you are in a position of doing damage control.
Having a child is hard. It changes everything. No, we don't feel all that sexy after having a baby (well, I didn't). Our hormones fluctuate in odd ways and what is probably most problematic after a baby is the exhaustion that we have from caring for the baby, house, and ourselves. It is all very tiring. Partners are suppose to be understanding and heck, help out a little. I don't think we have to get mad at them when they don't and scream and shout. We need to clearly state what we expect. Have you asked him to help out? I think you need to calmly communicate to him where you stand. And then you'll have a better chance of creating a home enviroment that is healthy. I'm worried as many things you state are not all that healthy. Whether it is immaturity on his part or yours, you need to address making a peaceful home for your child.
If you belong to a church, maybe you could do some couples counseling to work on some of these things. Or if you have insurance, you could see a therapist. I really think it would be of benefit.
I wish you luck. This is a special time in your life with a new baby and all. Don't feel alone because many couple's have trouble adjusting to things once a baby comes. But I just want you to lay the groundwork to a happy home so that this doesn't get worse. good luck
The reason i confide in his mother instead of my parents is truly because i cannot have a relationship with my father because he is an alcoholic and a drug addict, my mother was there for me when i was younger but her husband (my stepdad) sexually abused me and she kept him and threw me out ... i still talk to her but we are not that close... me and his mother have a lot in common and she understands how i feel because she has went through the same things i went through and am currently going through.
I would like to know why you are saying that his sexual addictions are my immaturity ... i have asked him to help out and he does not seem interested .... and are you saying i should not have had my daughter? if so that is the rudest thing i have ever heard .. hopefully that is not what you meant ... please explain.
COMMUNITY LEADER
By the way, I do not read abuse in what you've written here. He doesn't sound like he is hitting you but can be nasty in a fight. That isn't good but in my opinion, happens a lot in relationships where communication is poor. I would work on that for sure.
He seems to have a high sexual drive. I would tell him that you can not have sex until you get the okay from your doctor and then once you get the okay, I'd resume relations when you can. Sometimes we don't always feel like it as we are tired------ and that is okay. But making an effort to have a sex life with your partner is important. Porn is something that I'm not a fan of. Was he doing it a lot before the baby? Is it his response to your current unavailbility? Just keep the communication open about it without making him defensive. Don't feel insecure about it as it sounds like he'd rather be with you but that you. And then try to get rid of it down the road.
Couple of other things, colicky babies are often that way due to tummy trouble. I added one drop of gas (can't remember the name of it, started with an M and you bought it over the counter) to a bottle or to the side of my babies mouth that exibited colicky behavior. You can do a really light tummy massage as well. We walked our son a lot to soothe him. "Diagnosing of colic" doesn't really happen other than to say the baby is colicky and I think your doctor's recommendation is a good one. Just thought I'd throw that in as I was in your boat with that.
I do think you need to be honest with your parents (not his) about what is going on. I would work on getting your liscense back-------- why don't you have one? This will help in general---------- what do you do when you need to run an errand? And if you need to go back to work, plan for it.
These are just some of my thoughts.
He seems to have a high sexual drive. I would tell him that you can not have sex until you get the okay from your doctor and then once you get the okay, I'd resume relations when you can. Sometimes we don't always feel like it as we are tired------ and that is okay. But making an effort to have a sex life with your partner is important. Porn is something that I'm not a fan of. Was he doing it a lot before the baby? Is it his response to your current unavailbility? Just keep the communication open about it without making him defensive. Don't feel insecure about it as it sounds like he'd rather be with you but that you. And then try to get rid of it down the road.
Couple of other things, colicky babies are often that way due to tummy trouble. I added one drop of gas (can't remember the name of it, started with an M and you bought it over the counter) to a bottle or to the side of my babies mouth that exibited colicky behavior. You can do a really light tummy massage as well. We walked our son a lot to soothe him. "Diagnosing of colic" doesn't really happen other than to say the baby is colicky and I think your doctor's recommendation is a good one. Just thought I'd throw that in as I was in your boat with that.
I do think you need to be honest with your parents (not his) about what is going on. I would work on getting your liscense back-------- why don't you have one? This will help in general---------- what do you do when you need to run an errand? And if you need to go back to work, plan for it.
These are just some of my thoughts.
COMMUNITY LEADER
You misunderstood me. I did not say his sexual addictions are his immaturity. I am guessing that there is some growing up to do on both your parts on some things and that is not meant to be rude in the least. It was meant to help in saying that there are things to work on here for every body. I'm just trying to help but will let others take over. good luck to you.
And I am sorry about your mother and father. What happened to you with your mother's husband happened to my husband's niece and it is terribly painful. I can understand that you've had to leave your home and started a life elsewhere. That you think about saving money and your future is a really good thing and I do wish you the best in your relationship and life.
And I am sorry about your mother and father. What happened to you with your mother's husband happened to my husband's niece and it is terribly painful. I can understand that you've had to leave your home and started a life elsewhere. That you think about saving money and your future is a really good thing and I do wish you the best in your relationship and life.
sorry if i came off sounding rude.. i did not mean it .. i am just very worried now... the porn problem started when he lived with his parents. my mom listens but never really does anything in trying to help me with marital issues, i was trying to get my license when my mom threw me out ...........it explains why in one of my other posts... i didnt lose my license i just never got one ... i have been trying but where i live i have to pay 300 dollars for a driving course and i have no money... my mother in law has to take me to run errands.
ABUSE IS NOT JUST HITTING ... IT IS ALSO MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE ... AND HE IS NOT HITTING ME .
PLEASE EXPLAIN ... you said respect level, on which part do you mean .... and i know there are communication issues because if he wants sexual attention and i tell him "i just had a baby i have no interest in sex right now" and he gets angry with me because he thinks i should do it anyways.
Hi
In light of your saying you were sexually abused... I have PTSD from sexual abuse. It is important for you to understand that, having been abused will create a cycle of continued abuse.
YOU NEED TO SEE A THERAPIST IMMEDIATELY. The reason I say this, is that childbirth can trigger all kinds of hidden problems for women who have been abused.
Victims of sexual abuse (stepfather) frequently minimalize their experience.
Especially feeling like somehow the abusers bad behavior was their fault.
The abuser will perpetuate that, to keep his victim... a victim that he can keep abusing.
You sound very young. Having a child very young (before20 years old) shows that your decisions are "off center". It is hard to make lifetime decisions without any life experience.
It sounds like you have had no real guidance, I am not sure that the mother of your abuser is the appropriate person to talk to... Considering he learned to abuse in her home. It stands to reason you and her have alot in common.
Abusers like their victims to have no support structure. You have no family support, so it is harder for you to ask for help.
A church, a hospital, Department of human services, child and family services, the police department, the fire department, the high school... If you call any of these resources, they WILL HELP YOU. To the point of helping you have a place free of abuse. They HAVE TO HELP YOU, if they turn you away, they can be liable.
Please keep in mind that there ARE good people in the world. You were born into a world that has hidden the good.
YOU HAVE A CHOICE!!!
In light of your saying you were sexually abused... I have PTSD from sexual abuse. It is important for you to understand that, having been abused will create a cycle of continued abuse.
YOU NEED TO SEE A THERAPIST IMMEDIATELY. The reason I say this, is that childbirth can trigger all kinds of hidden problems for women who have been abused.
Victims of sexual abuse (stepfather) frequently minimalize their experience.
Especially feeling like somehow the abusers bad behavior was their fault.
The abuser will perpetuate that, to keep his victim... a victim that he can keep abusing.
You sound very young. Having a child very young (before20 years old) shows that your decisions are "off center". It is hard to make lifetime decisions without any life experience.
It sounds like you have had no real guidance, I am not sure that the mother of your abuser is the appropriate person to talk to... Considering he learned to abuse in her home. It stands to reason you and her have alot in common.
Abusers like their victims to have no support structure. You have no family support, so it is harder for you to ask for help.
A church, a hospital, Department of human services, child and family services, the police department, the fire department, the high school... If you call any of these resources, they WILL HELP YOU. To the point of helping you have a place free of abuse. They HAVE TO HELP YOU, if they turn you away, they can be liable.
Please keep in mind that there ARE good people in the world. You were born into a world that has hidden the good.
YOU HAVE A CHOICE!!!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Porn is a really destructive thing. Many people see it as no big deal but when it causes friction in a relationship-------- I say it IS a problem. I was thinking that I'd let this issue lay for the time being as you have much going on. You can not have sex (or shouldn't be right now) and telling him NO PORN too might just be a huge fight. I agree that I would want porn out of the picture (so to speak) and would plan on tackling this. But timing is important. You are probably feeling even more insecure about it now due to your lack of desire for sex. Yes, it is a problem but right now I'd pick your battles. I'd work on his speaking to you calmly and respectfully first.
Bringing me to the idea of abuse. I didn't know if you felt abused or if this is something brought to your attention here. I am aware of emotional and mental abuse but from what you've written here-------- didn't see it. YOU felt like he'd cheat if you didn't have sex with him because his father cheated on his mother. It would be manipulative and abusive for him to say "have sex with me or I'll cheat." that is the difference and an example for why I said I didn't see abuse. I only had to go on what you've written here and you will know better if you are being abused or not.
You are in a tough situation. I don't know your age and if you can ask for financial assistance from the government to help with money issues.
Bringing me to the idea of abuse. I didn't know if you felt abused or if this is something brought to your attention here. I am aware of emotional and mental abuse but from what you've written here-------- didn't see it. YOU felt like he'd cheat if you didn't have sex with him because his father cheated on his mother. It would be manipulative and abusive for him to say "have sex with me or I'll cheat." that is the difference and an example for why I said I didn't see abuse. I only had to go on what you've written here and you will know better if you are being abused or not.
You are in a tough situation. I don't know your age and if you can ask for financial assistance from the government to help with money issues.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, yes. The getting angry part when you tell him that you are phsycially not cleared for sex yet from your doctor and not ready to do it (like hey dude, did you see that huge thing come out of me . . . ouch!!) --- that is not what I'd expect from a caring husband. Yes, if he uses his anger to manipulate you rather than to express his feelings, that is abusive. If you are feeling emotionally abused, you have to think about what your options are.
If you do not think he will attend any kind of counseling or ask anyone for help, you are kind of stuck. You either live with it or you have to leave. Have you thought about where you would leave to or what you would do?
If you do not think he will attend any kind of counseling or ask anyone for help, you are kind of stuck. You either live with it or you have to leave. Have you thought about where you would leave to or what you would do?
i understand what you mean now... i am 20.. it is hard for me to be told i still have maturing to do because it makes me feel like a child.... i already have a med card for all three of us and just applied for food assistance... he seems to think he can depend on his mommy and daddy to hand us everything we need for out baby ... this upsets me badly ... i ask him to put money back for her needs but every time he does he spends it on something else ... usually not a necessity ... i love him and i feel horrible because i dont want to make him look bad ... and if he saw this he would probobly be very hurt.
i would have to go to a homeless shelter ... which i will not do... my dads side whole side of the family are alcoholics and drug addicts i will not live in that environment and neither will my daughter... my moms side of the family i am not that close to... i need to understand if this is truly abuse or not maybe you can help me understand more clearly ... this is exactly what happens: if i tell him no i wont have any type of sex with him he gets very angry leaves the room yells and goes in the bedroom, slams the door and watches porn to get off.. i feel this is not fair to me because i cannot have sex and dont feel like it because i just had a baby. i cant stand him watching porn ... it hurts me ... but he doesnt always do it ... but sometimes i catch him doing it ... when he goes in the room he doesnt want me in there with him ... if i walk in the room to get the babys stuff he hurrys up and acts like he wasnt doing it... please help me understand what you feel is truly going on and what to do about it.
i hope people dont mean that i shoudnt have had a baby just because im only 20 .. i do not regret my daughter ... i love her very much.
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second of all...this is sexual pressure and a form of abuse. he needs to stop pressuring you into sex and then ignoring your feelings by making you feel like you HAVE to have sex with him to keep him from masturbating to porn.
consider therapy. couples therapy, marriage therapy, sex therapy, or all of the above. you both need help learning to communicate and compromise in the bedroom.
above all....DON'T feel unattractive. YOU JUST HAD A BABY! sweetie...your body just went through the most difficult thing a body CAN go through in a lifetime. give yourself a break and try to love yourself.
most likely your sex drive will come back as your hormones level out again after the baby's birth...but you have to give it some time...and he needs to be patient for your health AND for the health of your relationship.
sorry you're going through this, you're very vulnerable right now and it sounds like he's not being very sensitive. speak up...stand up for yourself.