I am deeply in love with another man

[nicoletta131]

Dear readers,
I am so glad I found this forum and I hope some of you will be honest and kind to give me some pieces of advice in this desperate situation.
I have been married to my husband for about one year, we have been together for 4 years before that. He is the world's sweetest person, but I have never felt a strong sexual attraction towards him, neither have I ever felt "crazy" in love with him. But I am deeply fond of him and I praise him for being really good to me. We have a strong bond and are good partners, although I sometimes feels it's very practical. And he has always been the one who has been crazy about me, not the othe way.

Due to some changes in my life I have become aware of some things in our marriage that do not work properly and that I am not able to change. For example the fact that early in our relationship I came into a pattern of allowing him to have sex with me without me having actually desired this. This has lasted for all our relationship. We are also very different as persons; I am very free as an individual, creative and free-spirited and deeply passionate. He, on the other hand, is more tranquil and practical. Often I also feel that between us there is no "click".

Some months ago I met another man that blew my off my feet. I am a highly moral person and I never even considered looking at other men. Nevertheless, this person caught my attention and I have never ever felt so attracted to a person in my whole life. It was like everything was perfect; we fit like a hand in a glove in every way. He really makes me shine and he loves the deepest parts of me. I feel so relaxed and well with him. I am deeply in love with him and for the first time in my life I have found something that I instinctly fell that I want to be father of my children. Totally incredible. I want to make a life change and live with this other person. I would leave everything in this instant to live in total love with him for the rest of my days. It's like nothing else matters. But my husband is the world's sweetest and the last thing I want to do it hurt him. On the other hand I do not feel that I can really love him. Now I feel that I never really did... Because this new guy totallt woke me up and showed me what love is.
What can I do? I want all the best for my husband. But I want to be happy as well.
I appreciate your honest answers. Thank you so much.

[brice1967]

It sounds to me like you've all but "thrown in the towel" regarding your marriage.  That is sad on so many levels, but your happiness has to mean something to you.  If you aren't happy in your marriage, it is more than fair to be forthright with your husband and let him completely know what is going on.  

I'd just like to state that there are no givens.  You've got a good partner now, but what makes you so sure that this other guy is "the one"?  There are no guarantee's and I'd bet there are a few things that you don't know about this other guy.  It could be anything, and that one thing could be a deal breaker.  You go and give up this for that, and now what do you have?

I think you need to have a real good meeting with yourself.  I think you need to be totally honest and do a thorough "self inventory".  I think you need to weigh losing what you've currently got for something that potentially end leaving you with nothing.

A great place to start would be a good therapist.  Someone who specializes in couples therapy.  

[Londres70]

Absolutely Brice.  

You better think LONG and HARD about what you are doing BEFORE you do it and CAN'T change it.  

Any man who doesn't have any QUALMS with having a relationship with a MARRIED woman is a "red flag" in itself to me.  

Sounds like you and your husband weren't really compatible in the first place as far as marriage is concerned, however, I wouldn't recommend leaving him and moving in with this other guy instantly.  Don't see a problem if you separated from your husband BUT you should live ALONE and sort this out WITHOUT another man involved.  

Definitely talk with your husband FIRST about how you feel.  Before talking with him THOROUGHLY think about what you are going to say.  

[nicoletta131]

Thank you so much for your reply. In a way I think I do have "thrown in the towel" and that the excisting problems with my husband have come more to the surface after I have met this new guy. Sometimes regarding my husband I tell myself (also before I met my new love) "it isn't supposed to be this hard..." that is, communicating etc.
I know that my new love could give me some unpleasant surprises, but meeting him made me understand what love really is all about. And I feel really mature and ready to love him, if you know what I mean. Living thorougly in love, that is.
I have also considered going to a therapist. Will do it! Thank you again.

[IloveJustinEd31]

I feel you...  

[nicoletta131]

Thank you Londres.
Yes, I also have thought about moving out and going somewhere on my own for a while. I need to know who I am and what I really want to do!
And yes, I will thoroughly think about what to tell my husband before I talk to him. Thank you for your reply.

[Londres70]

All the best dear.  

Keep us posted.

[specialmom]

Well, I will say that relationships that start out like the way you've started out with this other man are pretty much doomed.  Statistically, they don't make it.  This man will always have in the back of his mind that you are capable of cheating (which you are) and that the same thing could happen to him when you grow tired of sexually bored (as most long term relationships take work to keep the passion alive).  

Sadly, the option before looking for another man should have been to properly decide what to do about your marriage.  This would make you the bad guy.  I'm not trying to be harsh, but it is absolutely the wrong thing to do to pick out another partner before you've ended your marriage.  No sugar coating that.  This will be something that you'll have to live with either way----  leaving or staying.

We decide what to do with our current relationshp before moving on.  And if we do not, we have not done ANY of the work it takes to set ourselves up for a better relationship next time.  We're just relationship shopping/ jumping.  Most people never find true happiness that way.  

My suggestion to you is to cut off contact with the other man.  To then make a decision as to what you want to do with your current relationship.  If you want to stay and work, then start therapy.  If you see it as a lost cause because you CHOSE to marry a man you weren't sexually compatible with ----  then go through with the divorce and seek some counseling as to why you made that trade off and are now dissatisfied with it.  And don't date for a period of time to learn who you are WITHOUT a man.  

good luck

[brice1967]

I'd like to expend a little on the above, if I may.  Essentially you and your husband have been together for 5 years total.  I believe you mentioned that you were "never had a strong sexual feeling for him" and that "you never felt in love with him."  Not to sound rude, but if you didn't have those things, why did you marry?  Were you running from a bad situation?

Perhaps it is as simple as you and your husband are simply not compatible.  I imagine it happens.  I think you really need to look at the reasons why you are leaving your husband.  I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself. (I mentioned that above.)  

Do you just want out of your marriage?
What can this guy provide that your husband can't?  
You married for a reason... what was that reason?
What is happiness to you?
What is love to you?

[lizzie839]

Hi Nicoletta, I guess you have to ask yourself what you really value in love. I chose the safe, secure option as opposed to the sparks and passion. Perhaps your ideas on love have changed and you are wanting more in your relationship. It is sad that you never got to experience the sparks and passion and I myself can completely relate to your situation. I have been with my husband for 12 years (married for two) and have never felt deeply in love or connected with him. I have been in love with another man for 6 years, a friend of his. I had counselling and tried to get over him although I don't think I really ever will. We have never been intimately involved although I feel the feelings were reciprocated until a couple of years ago when he met his current partner who I think is wonderful and he now deeply loves. So basically I missed the boat. I could have ended my marriage years ago when things weren't working out between us and then been with this man but I chose to stay because of fear of rejection, hurt and the vulnerability of being so in love with someone. I also loved my husband deeply as a friend. And I don't regret it but I feel very sad and disappointed that I am not with someone I feel deep love for. However that is the trade off for feeling in control and secure. Sounds ******-up, and yes it is unfortunately. I don't cope well with heart-ache. If you are prepared to take a risk and lose everything for this man then separate from your husband and take some time to see how you still feel. If the other man loves you he will wait. What is the situation now?

[unfolding]

I am in a similar situation but have thought about seeing a therapist and separating to sought myself out

[shamommy]

I agree with brice

[specialmom]

Hi guys, this post is over a year old.  If you would like an answer to a question. please post your own for people to take a look at.  Thanks!

[crissycarib]

I am in a similar situation. What did you end up doing?

[TiwanaSherrie]

I am in a similar situation... It would be nice to share my thoughts... I'm so confused... We are late to this post, but maybe we can start another...

[specialmom]

This is an old post.  Please ask your own questions by going to the top of this page and hitting "ask a question".  thank you

[Lenii8]

Im going through the same situation, I met this new person not too long ago, I am currently living with my boyfriend. we have been together for ( in two months) 3 years. The new guy knows my situation and he has made his distance, he doesnt disrespect me or anything. Very sweet, He just confessed to me that he is falling for me, but he knows he can't have me. I myself have felt something gor him, but I aslo make mu distance. We have not made any physical contact and we're not planning to for respect of my boyfriend. I had the talk with my boyfriend and told him how I felt. He knows i speak to the other person he doesnt seem to mind. Me and mu boyfriend have always had problems ( like any other) but we always get passed it. But lately Im just feeling tired of never being able to discuss something without arguing its either he gets mad or I do. Ive considered to go to a couples therapist but he doesnt believe in shrinks, which makes it hard on me, not being able to find a solution. My boyfriend is trying really hard for us to be together and so am I, I really love him but not like I used to and he knows that. I dont want to be the bad guy in the story but I have to be true to him and true to myself. I wont stand losing a great guy like my boyfriend, but I dont want to force myself to love him again like I did, Im also not going to leave him for the other guy. I just need time for myself. Mu boyfriend can end up hating me and I dont want that, thats why Im still with him ( and because I love him) am I making sense!? The other guy and I are really good friends and for now we would like to keep it that way but we cant help feeling what we feel. Please! I really need an opinion on what to do!! I would appreciate it.

[mariam804]

Hmm, we'll the good thing is you are not married with kids yet, and also that you haven't been intimate with this other guy. But the loss of that exciting new love is going to happen in any relationship.  No couple feels exactly the same after a few years as they did those first 6 months. But are you going to just give up every 3 years and find something easier?
This is where the "work" comes into a relationship. Yes somebody else may seem exciting and attractive, but that's not love.  Unfortunately we live in a culture where falling in love is preferable to staying in love.  To stay in love requires effort on both parts to not take each other for granted. Visualize your leaving your boyfriend. Imagine the scenarios to follow.
When you leave him, you are giving him the right to find somebody new.  How do you feel about that?

[specialmom]

Ladies, this is an old post.  We are happy to address your own questions but would appreciate if you would start your own threads.  Please do so by going to the top of this page and hit ask a question.  Otherwise, your post gets overlooked for the most part.  

thank you

[razor888]

Take it from me, I have been in a so called no sexual desire or romance relationship for 20 years.  We have a business together and I too am in love with another man and have been for 15 years.  I have not been having an affair, but it breaks my heart every time I see the man I love.  If your love for the new man is strong it wont go away ever.  Go for it now before its too late like me.  I wish I had done something 15 years ago.  

[MsMimi80]

Well here's a situation I'm in.... I'm a lesbian and have been with my gf for 4 years and last year she was wrapped up and consumed with pills real bad. Started ignoring me and so I met someone else. Well that someone else she hasn't gone anywhere else it's been 8 months and I don't know what to do. I almost left my gf for her several times but never did I love her.

[kirbynsun]

I was wondering how things worked out for you in this situation.
Did you leavecyour husband? If so, was it worth it?

[ananda333]

I've been married for 16 years. Last year my wife was paralyzed and in the hospital for last 11 months. I found a long passionate love poem which is written by my wife to a married male therapist in the hospital.
I think that to love so passionately to another man means that She has given up me. She never let me know there was a such thing.
I'm in a desperate situation. Please somebody help me.

[JGEld]

Wow, that's a tough one.  I've been married 16 years as well & my husband had an "emotional thing" with another woman about 10 years ago.  Sadly, I was never a big enough or gracious enough person to really get past it.  I left him for a year but chose to enter back into the relationship more as a partnership arrangement knowing that we could better parent & provide for our children together than apart. He had a major medical incident a few years ago that allowed me to see my life without him again for which I carry endless guilt. I have grown to truly love him in ways that are deep & kind as family but there has never really been that feeling of being in love with him since.  He has my loyalty and gratitude for being a wonderful partner, husband & father but it is endlessly lonely for me.
I think if I had to do it over again in you situation, I would find a way to graciously build your own new life, while financially/medically supporting your wife so you don't get weighed down by guilt for not giving her the chance to explain herself & abandoning her while she is so vulnerable medically.  I don't know if that helps but you are not alone.

[Cdk24]

I'm in exactly the same situation. Been with my husband 11 years too. You sound just like me. We started off as just good friends, and I began confiding in him about how unhappy I was in my marriage. The first time I saw him i knew I was in trouble. Of course people arnt going to cheat if they are in a stable happy relationship, considering they are self actualized themsevles. We were in a co-ed fit club,and ended up really hitting it off.It felt really amazing,we both realized how much alike that we are. We fit together liken two puzzle pieces. My life's been completely rearranged because of him, (In all good healing ways). We've known each other now over four years, and it breaks our hearts that we cannot be together right now. We have been able to We basically try to leave each other alone, but we can't stay away very long. Our hearts won't stop being in love. I know now that we don't choose who we fall into love with. Things kept heating up regardless of the circstances. But weve been able to wait for sex, and I had quit sleeping with my husband, so I've been completely celibate the whole time.  7 months ago my lover made a commitment to get a house for us,and recently told me that he loves me... i finally asked my husband for a seperation. We are both recovering from hardships, and neither of us has a way too move me out yet. Its a very difficult situation I have put myself and these men in...ughh I also recently figured out he is in some kind of affair with his coworker.. probably for years. So we both realized were interested and pursuing other people, and were not mad...we've forgiven each other. So idk what's going to happen, but I feel like its fate or destiny's choice now. Leaving it up to God, because I don't have any control over this love... I know I'll always be in love with this man just because of the impact he's had on my life and the amazing connection we share.Good luck

[clarkvn]

I am going through this too. The problem is that I have been married 28  years this month. He has, over the years been somewhat harsh with me and little by little my love has eroded. He is still very good to me though. And in fact has gotten better since I have changed. My change came due to the fact that a man from my past... actually my first love when I was 13 came to town to find me telling me he has always thought of me. He is married to, but in a toxic situation. We are very much in love. I have never felt this happy. I have never felt love for anyone like I do with him. I am not a kid and this doesn't feel like mid life crisis. Before he came along I was living a life of quiet desperation. Not happy, not sad. Just existing. I need to put this out there for anyone to read and see if you have any insights. My new found love loves 1000 miles away and is coming to see his mom and me because we live in the same town once of month. We talk, FB and keep in touch daily. I didn't really realize that I didn't love my husband until my love came along. Any thoughts are welcome. My main and only problem is this: not wanting to hurt my husband and not wanting to do something wrong. But I also do not want to continue living what I feel is a lie. I would like to experience happiness for a period in the lifetime.

[knkalways]

Wow!! This sounds a lot like something I am going thru too. I have been with my husband for over 27 years (married 26) but my husband had started using heroin and this also led him to begin using meth. His behavior had been so all over the place. I would question him and then be lied to over and over.  When I would con front him about it I was met with so much anger and cussing that I just wanted to flee as fast as I could. I accepted a job in NM last year that got me away from the drama I was in. I left OR to begin OUR life in NM first and he would follow shortly after. We settled into our life here in NM but he was not happy.  He never led on he was not either. I recently got in touch with my old high school sweetheart and we began talking, but before I began talking to him I need to back up a little.  We went back to OR because our daughter had just finished her nursing school and was graduating. He had gotten mixed up with the same people he had used with and fell.  He used again. Again when I confronted him I was met with anger and we fought most of the rest of our trip.  He did not confess his using instead he told me he hated living in NM and did not want to come back.  And if I didn't trust him then we had nothing.  At this point I realized I no longer did trust him and did not want anything more from him. I am now ready to be done with this marriage because I can no longer trust in him. I then began talking to my high school sweetheart and I am back in love all over again with MY 1ST LOVE. I have always loved him and never stopped.  I had good years with my husband but his addictions not only destroyed him but also our marriage.

[Elvis1]

Your making a mistake, this is temporary happiness. Get things right for your sake and your husbands. You married him, stick to your vows, think about why your husband and why your with him. Thick and thru thin. So it's not that gitty, lovey dovey of yesteryear. It is a midlife issue. You so have timed your husband out that's all you can think about is your old boyfriend. Remember why he's your old boyfriend to. Stop before you go to far. You want love, you have to give love.

[specialmom]

This is an old post.  Please begin your own thread.  thank you

[Sigle]

Ive been married 28 yrs and fighting to communicate and understand him for 20 of them. I also sell in love with another man. Im leaving.
Dont do what I did and hang on to the wrong thing. I regret wasting so much of my life fighting for love. Love shouldnt be that hard.