Aa
I am really confused!
I have always had a REALLY good relationship with my husband of 6 years. Or at least so I thought! He did something yesterday that blew me away. He came home from work (he works nights), picked something up (not exactly sure what) and left and stayed gone the ENTIRE day on Father's Day no less! He shut the cell phone off all day and I had absolutely no way of speaking to him. I had no clue where he was, what he was doing, if he was alive or dead, etc.
Let me go back to some history here. We were each other's high school crush and never knew it. We didn't meet until years after high school and the minute I spoke to him, I felt an incredible ease. It was like I had known him my whole life. We were dating a week and he was already saying that I was the one he was going to marry. It kinda scared me a bit because at the time I wasn't looking for a relationship, but since I liked him so much, I didn't end it and wanted to see where things went. After 6 wks of dating, he proposed, I accepted and we were married 4 months later. A total of 5 months of knowing each other.
I have always been the one that is strong in the relationship. He is the cuddle type, I am not. He has expressed to me many times that he wants me to cuddle with him more and I sincerely do my best to oblige. There are times when it's not the most convenient, like when I'm cooking dinner for 4 kids, have a load of laundry in the dryer ready t o be folded and another one going in. Since he works nights AND keeps our children during the day, I don't expect him to really do any housework, but it would be nice if he would at least pick up after himself! I will tell him that if he wants me to cuddle, he could come help me in the kitchen, but he rarely does.
Fast forward~ EVERY weekend he is gone doing something, like playing basketball or football, or riding the motorcycle, etc. I am ALWAYS home with the kids by myself and we will go do our own things since daddy isn't home. He announced he was going to start coaching a kids' football team, and none of our kids are even playing! I got upset naturally because I am ALWAYS home and he goes off and does WHATEVER he wants without even discussing it with me. I voiced my objection but it didn't matter. He did it anyway.
Now I love my husband so very much, but he makes me so mad sometimes!! When he finally came in last night, I asked him if he wanted to be a part of this family. His answer, "I do and I don't" This was news to me!! He said I was too controlling and he feels like he can't talk to me, and I don't cuddle with him and he doesn't feel loved. All of this literally came out of nowhere because we were NOT fighting whatsoever and I had no idea that he was even upset! I do agree I can be a little overprotective sometimes, but I am NOT controlling! He does whatever he wants EVERY weekend, so how in the H3LL is THAT controlling??
After talking out some of our issues, the topic turned into him saying that he knows he's selfish, and he's so sorry for running off like that and he understands if I wanted out of the marriage and no one will ever have his heart, even if we split, but me. I was (and still am) extremely confused!! How did it turn from ME being the bad guy to HIM and I didn't even turn it around on him either..lol!
Am I missing something here??
Let me go back to some history here. We were each other's high school crush and never knew it. We didn't meet until years after high school and the minute I spoke to him, I felt an incredible ease. It was like I had known him my whole life. We were dating a week and he was already saying that I was the one he was going to marry. It kinda scared me a bit because at the time I wasn't looking for a relationship, but since I liked him so much, I didn't end it and wanted to see where things went. After 6 wks of dating, he proposed, I accepted and we were married 4 months later. A total of 5 months of knowing each other.
I have always been the one that is strong in the relationship. He is the cuddle type, I am not. He has expressed to me many times that he wants me to cuddle with him more and I sincerely do my best to oblige. There are times when it's not the most convenient, like when I'm cooking dinner for 4 kids, have a load of laundry in the dryer ready t o be folded and another one going in. Since he works nights AND keeps our children during the day, I don't expect him to really do any housework, but it would be nice if he would at least pick up after himself! I will tell him that if he wants me to cuddle, he could come help me in the kitchen, but he rarely does.
Fast forward~ EVERY weekend he is gone doing something, like playing basketball or football, or riding the motorcycle, etc. I am ALWAYS home with the kids by myself and we will go do our own things since daddy isn't home. He announced he was going to start coaching a kids' football team, and none of our kids are even playing! I got upset naturally because I am ALWAYS home and he goes off and does WHATEVER he wants without even discussing it with me. I voiced my objection but it didn't matter. He did it anyway.
Now I love my husband so very much, but he makes me so mad sometimes!! When he finally came in last night, I asked him if he wanted to be a part of this family. His answer, "I do and I don't" This was news to me!! He said I was too controlling and he feels like he can't talk to me, and I don't cuddle with him and he doesn't feel loved. All of this literally came out of nowhere because we were NOT fighting whatsoever and I had no idea that he was even upset! I do agree I can be a little overprotective sometimes, but I am NOT controlling! He does whatever he wants EVERY weekend, so how in the H3LL is THAT controlling??
After talking out some of our issues, the topic turned into him saying that he knows he's selfish, and he's so sorry for running off like that and he understands if I wanted out of the marriage and no one will ever have his heart, even if we split, but me. I was (and still am) extremely confused!! How did it turn from ME being the bad guy to HIM and I didn't even turn it around on him either..lol!
Am I missing something here??
Thank you! I have asked myself all those questions plus some. I would definitely not make excuses for him either. If I honestly believe something (like if I thought he was cheating) I'm not going to fool myself and live in denial. I would be on here venting that I think he is, and what should I look for...LOL! My ex husband was a cheater (amongst other things) and I know all too well the signs. Either my husband is REALLY good at hiding that he's cheating, or he isn't cheating. I know my husband and I honestly believe he isn't. He has a gambling problem which feels about the same. My family is being cheated out of money and time with their father. He had been working on his problem for the past year and my trust in him had fully come back. I thought we were past it, but I guess not. I went with him to a GA meeting and told him I would stand by him as long as he helps himself. Otherwise it's just not going to work. Lord knows I love him more than anything, but I can't continue to be hurt.
Like someone else said....Leaving the entire day for Father's Day is wrong...but the worse thing is knowing you have children and a wife and turning your cell off the entire day would send massive signals to me. The fact that he constantly assumes you are controlling is another way of putting the blame on you with whatever is going on with him. As parents we do get over zealous at times and scream..I have done...guilty! : ) But for the most part when someone does this something is going on inside of you...perhaps you are screaming for help!!!! Just because you have been married for 6 years...doesn't mean a man can hide a part of himself from you. Learned this in therapy. trust me.....there is more to the story then you might know. try talking and asking him how he is feeling..and go from there....if he snaps and goes off...then sweetie...he is hiding something. I am not saying he is cheating..I am not here to past judgement on you or him....trying to help you and ease your mind! From your post I just get the feeling he is turning things around on you because it is easier for him...but why would he be doing this???? Ask yourself that question!!!!! But do not make excuses for him...because you do think you are over protective..you are married and have children you are entitled to know what he is doing and where he is at. So...sit and talk..find a bay-sitter and go out and have a nice night out together and find out what is going on....better to find out now.,..then later down the road!
I am here hun if you need to talk!
I am here hun if you need to talk!
I know he's not cheating on me. He may not be the perfect husband, but a cheater he is not.
Somtimes the wife is the last to know when a man does cheat, and it is odd that he would say if you want out of the marriage bit luck jo
I agree! After thinking about it again, therapy would help in 2 ways. One for his gambling problem, and also to help him "communicate" whatever it is he is resentful about. A two for one deal! LOL!
I'm a fan of therapy. I think if he is serious about staying with you and you still want him (which it appears you do) he needs to get himself to a doctor and talk about what is going on.
I absolutely agree with everyone. He is the one who brought up counseling, and if there is something he's not telling me, then evidently he would talk about it to a therapist. I honestly do not know why he feels he can't talk to me. I don't nag him to death, and I definitely don't control him! He basically does whatever he wants while I'm at home with the kids. He said he understands if I don't want to be with him anymore because he knew what he did was selfish, and it's not the first time it's happened either. I asked him when he came home if he wanted to be a part of our family or not, and his answer was "I do and I don't." I said, "Well then let me make it easy for you...GET THE F OUT"
I think he was just looking for reasons to justify what he did and was trying to turn it around on me. Once he realized that wasn't going to work, he started admitting that he's been selfish and he understands if I wanted to leave. Probably a guilt trip! Basically saying I'm the scum of the earth, please forgive me. Something I've done too many times! Grrr!!
If he was cheating on me, there is no way I would put up with it. And although he may not be cheating on me, I still feel cheated! I do believe our marriage is salvageable and I still feel like he's the "one". I'm certainly not perfect and never asked him to be either, but it would be nice if when he feels he needs a "break" to respect me enough to freakin tell me!
I think he was just looking for reasons to justify what he did and was trying to turn it around on me. Once he realized that wasn't going to work, he started admitting that he's been selfish and he understands if I wanted to leave. Probably a guilt trip! Basically saying I'm the scum of the earth, please forgive me. Something I've done too many times! Grrr!!
If he was cheating on me, there is no way I would put up with it. And although he may not be cheating on me, I still feel cheated! I do believe our marriage is salvageable and I still feel like he's the "one". I'm certainly not perfect and never asked him to be either, but it would be nice if when he feels he needs a "break" to respect me enough to freakin tell me!
Everyone has given great advice so far. I do agree, some counseling is needed. What I don’t like is him saying that if YOU don’t want to be with him anymore he can understand. What’s that all about? Is he purposely finding reasons to push you away and make it seem like you ended it and he didn’t? There is a lot going on here, more than what he’s telling you. To disappear for an entire day with the phone off is not ok. Especially when you share children and you have every right to know where he was. If he refuses to tell you or becomes defensive and claims you’re being controlling, he’s doing something he wasn’t supposed to. However, he’s had plenty of time to cook up a story so be prepared for a good excuse. I’m not saying it isn’t the truth but I would still question it. Whatever is bothering him, he needs to really open up to you or else your marriage can spiral into a downward motion very quickly. In a way, it’s good that this has happened. It’s opened your eyes to whatever the problems may be in his mind and you will be able to tell him how you feel as well. Hopefully this is a turning point and you can strengthen an already strong marriage. Good luck and I hope it all works out.
I really wish I knew what to say. But I really don't. I do think there is def something going on w/him though. You don't just come home from work, pick something up and leave without a word....especially on Father's Day, and then not to have his phone on?? Um no....Not normal behaviour.
Oh, and wanting to know the whereabouts of your husband is NOT controlling. You have a right to know where he is at all times and he has that same right where you are concerned. That's not controlling. It's respect.
Wow, I wish you tons of luck!!!
Oh, and wanting to know the whereabouts of your husband is NOT controlling. You have a right to know where he is at all times and he has that same right where you are concerned. That's not controlling. It's respect.
Wow, I wish you tons of luck!!!
Well... something like this just doesn't "... come out of nowhere..." It typically comes out of past unresolved issues along with some resentment. Anyway, it's not controlling to ask how he spend Father's Day. But, it might come off as controlling, to him... it all depends on "how" you ask.
I kicked myself for not asking him where he was! I plan on finding out tonight, but worry that he's going to say "there she goes being controlling again" although I have the RIGHT to know! I know he's not cheating or anything like that, but I do think he may have been gambling (something else I object to). His gambling has almost cost us our marriage on more than one occasion and I'm pretty sure that is what he was doing.
I communicate just fine and have no problem voicing any issues I may be experiencing. He's the one who bottles things up and pulls stunts like this. Last night when he came home, we spent 2 hours talking about everything. He was supposed to be at work. He said he has trouble talking to me about things and I think it's because I'm a pretty strong willed person and maybe he's thinking that I won't listen or something. I don't know...that's all I can come up with. That really isn't true when it comes to him though. I respect him as a person and his wishes, and I always try to fix what he thinks is broken (at least when I KNOW what's broken). That is difference between me and him. I listen to him and that is not always reciprocated. I firmly believe marriage is about give and take, communication, trust, honesty and love. He has broken my trust so many times with the gambling issue and of course I doubt him at times. I told him that I gave up my addiction for him and the kids, why can't he do the same!
Basically EVERY fault came up last night and we gave each other stuff to work on. Counseling was brought up and last night I refused the idea, but today I think it might be a good idea. He mentioned that I yell a lot at the kids, and I do. It breaks my heart that I do, but it seems to be the ONLY way they will remotely listen to me. My kids see me as a pushover and I have gotten into the bad habit of yelling. He brought his son to live with us over 2 and a half years ago, and he's such a problem child that I am constantly on edge. That kid has done some pretty unimaginable things to my other kids and I am always having to keep an eye and an ear out in fear of him doing even more terrible things to them. Not only that, but I have 3 kids of my own, all are very young and my youngest (3 yrs) is extremely stubborn! I stayed stressed ALL THE TIME with my job, then coming home and running the household by myself. I feel like a single mother raising 4 kids! I'd like to get away from time to time too and escape the reality of all the stress, but my DH likes to rob me from that. He is supposed to be working on that after our conversation last night.
It's a serious slap in the face when you THINK you have such a wonderful marriage and then all of the sudden...BAM!
I communicate just fine and have no problem voicing any issues I may be experiencing. He's the one who bottles things up and pulls stunts like this. Last night when he came home, we spent 2 hours talking about everything. He was supposed to be at work. He said he has trouble talking to me about things and I think it's because I'm a pretty strong willed person and maybe he's thinking that I won't listen or something. I don't know...that's all I can come up with. That really isn't true when it comes to him though. I respect him as a person and his wishes, and I always try to fix what he thinks is broken (at least when I KNOW what's broken). That is difference between me and him. I listen to him and that is not always reciprocated. I firmly believe marriage is about give and take, communication, trust, honesty and love. He has broken my trust so many times with the gambling issue and of course I doubt him at times. I told him that I gave up my addiction for him and the kids, why can't he do the same!
Basically EVERY fault came up last night and we gave each other stuff to work on. Counseling was brought up and last night I refused the idea, but today I think it might be a good idea. He mentioned that I yell a lot at the kids, and I do. It breaks my heart that I do, but it seems to be the ONLY way they will remotely listen to me. My kids see me as a pushover and I have gotten into the bad habit of yelling. He brought his son to live with us over 2 and a half years ago, and he's such a problem child that I am constantly on edge. That kid has done some pretty unimaginable things to my other kids and I am always having to keep an eye and an ear out in fear of him doing even more terrible things to them. Not only that, but I have 3 kids of my own, all are very young and my youngest (3 yrs) is extremely stubborn! I stayed stressed ALL THE TIME with my job, then coming home and running the household by myself. I feel like a single mother raising 4 kids! I'd like to get away from time to time too and escape the reality of all the stress, but my DH likes to rob me from that. He is supposed to be working on that after our conversation last night.
It's a serious slap in the face when you THINK you have such a wonderful marriage and then all of the sudden...BAM!
Something is bugging him. He seems needy at this time and you are not fulfilling that physical need without him asking and it's bugging him. First, I you would like to know where was he on Father's day that he could not spend with the family. You need an explanation of where he was at. That makes no sense and that is a red flag that something is wrong or bothering him.
Communicate with him and ask him what is bothering him. He also stated that he feels you are controlling. Ask him how? What are you doing or saying to give him that impression? At this time you are both not in sinc with each other and what is going on or what is bothering you both. Also, tell him that it upset's you when you need to call him and he shuts off his cell phone. He either does not want to speak with anyone, or is there something he needs to tell you. What if there was an emergency..he's not reachable and you do have a problem with that.
He feels that you don't love him anymore, because of your lack of physical emotions towards him. It's fixable, communicate with him with concern and find out what is bugging him and what does he want from you to fix it....good luck
Communicate with him and ask him what is bothering him. He also stated that he feels you are controlling. Ask him how? What are you doing or saying to give him that impression? At this time you are both not in sinc with each other and what is going on or what is bothering you both. Also, tell him that it upset's you when you need to call him and he shuts off his cell phone. He either does not want to speak with anyone, or is there something he needs to tell you. What if there was an emergency..he's not reachable and you do have a problem with that.
He feels that you don't love him anymore, because of your lack of physical emotions towards him. It's fixable, communicate with him with concern and find out what is bugging him and what does he want from you to fix it....good luck
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
