Aa
How to fix what has gone wrong...
Hello. My boyfriend and I have been together now for 5.5 years, and living together for 4.5 We have known eachother for 10.5, too. Well, in the last year or so, things have really gone downhill with us. We broke up, (but yes, we do still live together). It came from a small lie that was told by me, and he had a hard time dealing with it. So, we broke up with the intentions of me bandaging things up, making up for what I had done, and moving on. Well, fast forward over 1 year, and nothing has been resolved. Infact, things are worse now than they ever were.
Due to my depression, and the way that we live, I have a lot of things going on in my own head, and wanted to take care of those things before I could really focus on "us". But nothing really came of either problem, so now they are both kind of out of control. We are no longer really even friends. We live together, yes, and we go through the motions of it (shopping, eating, cooking, having sex...) but the closeness just isn't there anymore.
We have both finally recognized this, and have decided that we BOTH want to work on it. However, mending the relationship itself (the boyfriend girlfriend aspect of it) still lies in my hands, and I understand and accept this. However, we just aren't really sure how to be FRIENDS again. I mean, best friends like we once were. There was a time when we would talk on the phone nonstop (while I was at work, when I got home from work, after I came home from his house...) and now we can barely tolerate eachother for more than an hour at a time.
We are trying to go back to basics, like being nice to eachother, supportive, cooperative things like that, but it just doesn't seem to be enough. Does anyone have any advice, or is anyone in the same kind of situation? I'm really just looking for some ideas of what to do.
Thank you!!!!
Due to my depression, and the way that we live, I have a lot of things going on in my own head, and wanted to take care of those things before I could really focus on "us". But nothing really came of either problem, so now they are both kind of out of control. We are no longer really even friends. We live together, yes, and we go through the motions of it (shopping, eating, cooking, having sex...) but the closeness just isn't there anymore.
We have both finally recognized this, and have decided that we BOTH want to work on it. However, mending the relationship itself (the boyfriend girlfriend aspect of it) still lies in my hands, and I understand and accept this. However, we just aren't really sure how to be FRIENDS again. I mean, best friends like we once were. There was a time when we would talk on the phone nonstop (while I was at work, when I got home from work, after I came home from his house...) and now we can barely tolerate eachother for more than an hour at a time.
We are trying to go back to basics, like being nice to eachother, supportive, cooperative things like that, but it just doesn't seem to be enough. Does anyone have any advice, or is anyone in the same kind of situation? I'm really just looking for some ideas of what to do.
Thank you!!!!
Thank you both for your advice...I appreciate your time.
I am going to try all of the things that you mentioned treazzure007 :)
And I have spoken with him about what you said OTuathal, and we have decided that we are BOTH going to give eachother what the other person wants/needs.
So, wish us luck! And thank you both again.
I am going to try all of the things that you mentioned treazzure007 :)
And I have spoken with him about what you said OTuathal, and we have decided that we are BOTH going to give eachother what the other person wants/needs.
So, wish us luck! And thank you both again.
I am not clear what you mean by a little lie you told...? did you cheat?
I am concerned about the fact that you can't stand one another, yet you are having sex. That you can both shut off your emotions and use one another is likely causing more damage somewhere.
Mostly, I am concerned that although you say you both want to work on it, the responsibility is YOURS and you accept that.
Sorry, as a relationship counselor (intern) the first thing I would point out is either you both take full responsibility for where your relationship is now, what has happened, and the steps you need to take to repair it, or uncouple.
I am having a hard time buying the: all this happened because of one small lie I got caught in over a year ago, story. one issue in ten years???? please.
whatever did happen back then, you both created the situation and are both responsible for it.
You cannot clean it up by yourself. Stop trying. without his effort, it is not going to happen.
if he is still punishing you for some small incident over a year ago, then he must be one unforgiving, cotrol freak.
the situation is deteriorating because you are stuck, only one of you is trying--the other one is unwilling to forgive--so whatever you do will fail. yes, that's control. He has all the power and you are giving it to him. maybe he would rather be right than be close?
go see a counselor!
I am concerned about the fact that you can't stand one another, yet you are having sex. That you can both shut off your emotions and use one another is likely causing more damage somewhere.
Mostly, I am concerned that although you say you both want to work on it, the responsibility is YOURS and you accept that.
Sorry, as a relationship counselor (intern) the first thing I would point out is either you both take full responsibility for where your relationship is now, what has happened, and the steps you need to take to repair it, or uncouple.
I am having a hard time buying the: all this happened because of one small lie I got caught in over a year ago, story. one issue in ten years???? please.
whatever did happen back then, you both created the situation and are both responsible for it.
You cannot clean it up by yourself. Stop trying. without his effort, it is not going to happen.
if he is still punishing you for some small incident over a year ago, then he must be one unforgiving, cotrol freak.
the situation is deteriorating because you are stuck, only one of you is trying--the other one is unwilling to forgive--so whatever you do will fail. yes, that's control. He has all the power and you are giving it to him. maybe he would rather be right than be close?
go see a counselor!
im thinking that you two dont need to be together anymore, but if you say you both want to work on it i suggest remaining consistent in all of your efforts to be nice, supportive, cooperative and loving. be extra sweet, greeting him w/ kisses and hugs always. stir things up like surprising him w/ lunch or little romantic dinners or even dates to some places you know he'll love. encourage communication by lending an ear to listen to him discuss anything on his mind and smile at him whenever you lock eyes. the little things are what go the furthest. if your doings are not reciprocated, you'll know what time it is
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
