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Avatar universal

I have fallen in love with my 3rd cousin's daughter

Well I've known her for years and our age gap is not that significant she is 3 years younger than me but we have never truly met till recently when her mother asked me to tutor her.For the past few months I've been tutoring her every week we started to grow closer and began to stay in contact through social media.As the days went by I started to get attracted to her more and more because no matter what day or mood I'm in she will always find a way to cheer me up,lighten me up and calms me.Being someone who is an introvert and is filled with anxiety it is difficult for me to interact with others but with her it's different,I feel calm,relaxed and happy whenever I'm with her.I really want to confess what I truly feel about her but I worry that it is not the right thing to do and it is not encouraged in society especially in my country.It is truly depressing every time I think of it.
6 Responses
134578 tn?1546634665
In many countries, a third cousin once removed is not considered taboo to marry. Are you certain this is so where you are? If society would shun you, then you have to keep your interest to yourself.

It might merely be awkward in some countries for someone to be romantically interested in a (somewhat distant) relative, but awkwardness is not enough to stop true love, if it is true love. (If you are just talking about lust, forget ever telling her or anyone else, and cool your jets.)

If you somehow manage to find out that she returns your regard, and if your intention is marriage, the familial connection between the two of you should not be enough of a roadblock to refrain unless there are societal punishments. That said, if everyone from her mother on up and down the family tree would be shocked and horrified, then I am afraid you do have to refrain from even telling your cousin of your feelings.

Also, if you think there is a chance she herself would be appalled and frightened, don't tell her. You do not want to look like a harasser to her. In such a situation, enjoy the friendship and be glad you get that much.

Good luck.
2 Comments
Thank you for the response
I tried discussing with some of my relatives who married with their distant relative.They did say that some will accept it and see it as love if both of them are happy however you will nonetheless receive backlash and judgement from others.
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
You know, this could end badly.  I'm not sure 'how' close you truly are family wise.  She's your third cousin's daughter . . . what does that make her to you. However, you refer to her as family and know your third cousin as family so then this is implying that your family may have an issue with it.  Is it worth a big broo ha ha in the family?  You've basically got a crush.  Those are not real life romance. Just means you are interested.  I guess you can send out some subtle hints and see what she says. But decide if it is worth a major issue if it blows up.  good luck
3 Comments
If you drop a hint, keep the hint REALLY subtle, or it sounds like you could put yourself in a huge mess. She might not be interested and would be alarmed or shocked, which would embarrass or shame you, and if the family catches wind that you're coming on to her and they feel like you are acting like a lecherous uncle or something, there would obviously be an uproar.  It would be smarter to enjoy her company in a platonic way, and watch for her to make a sign (an obvious one not dependent on interpretation, not just you telling yourself that her smile was particularly warm and therefore she must l0ve you).  Though this approach does risk that she might never make a sign, if you could really get into trouble over this, you'd be better at least to be sure she desires your attention before you trip on your own feet. Behave like a gentleman to her at all times, and that should carry you through.
I'm really bad at dropping hints because to be honest I never felt this way towards someone.Ever since I was a kid I had always focus more on my pursue to gain knowledge and excel in sports so hence I never had a crush or any interest on anyone but with her it's different
Then it's probably best to let her make the first move, if one is made. That protects you from doing anything that seems to her like an unwanted advance.

Your relatives talking about backlash and judgement -- in your world, how important is living near your relatives? Do you have the skills to make a living elsewhere? In an imagined scenario in which she is as serious about you as you are about her, if you marry, would you be able to move to a place where nobody knows you are cousins?  
134578 tn?1546634665
I should ask for a little clarification, too.

First of all, I had been assuming you were past the age of majority, not a teenager, and are able to support yourself. Are you?

I also read this (since you were taking about love) as, (should your third cousin once removed be interested), you would want to ask her to marry you.

If you are not that old yet, or if you are not really that sure, then please do not consider making any kind of move or dropping any kind of hint. :) Before age 24 or 25, well -- we do change our minds as we grow up, after all. You don't want to fall into disrepute over something that you later realize was transitory.



3 Comments
Well right now I'm about to enter college for my associates degree and straight away I will continue my bachelor's.Most of my friends say that during that period I will forget about her.
Whether or not they are right (and they might well be right!), if you are just starting college, that makes you around 17 or 18? And given what you said about your age gap, she is, what, 14 or 15?  This gets very serious because by law, she is a child, not an adult. Family question aside, don't mess with children, walk away from crushes when the person is young and vulnerable. You might even be in legal jeopardy if you tried anything.

Also, you are talking only about how good she makes you feel, not about loving her for who she is and wanting to give of yourself for her no matter what. As a woman, I can assert that it's irritating and super disappointing to find that a man only cares about you if you make him feel good, nothing about him wanting to be by your side through thick and thin even if he doesn't get what he wants.

My suggestion is, keep out of the all different kinds of trouble you could get into with this relationship, stay platonic, go to school, do some growing and changing, and then if you come back at age 24 or 25 and she is around and you feel the same and she does too, you can face the family question. But right now, no.
No in my country we enter college at the age of 20 and I started out late but then I will still listen to your advice.I will give it some time and try to forget about it.No,I really do love her and ready to sacrifice anything for her but I'm just wondering would she do the same for me.Nonetheless thank you for the advice ma'am.
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
I have to be honest.  You sound like a lonely person with very limited experience.  Is there a reason you never have dated?  It would then make sense that you grow a major crush on a young woman that is kind, friendly, warm to you because you are helping to tutor her and are family.  You are most likely misinterpreting this and her behavior.  I don't know your age.  her age.  And truthfully none of this sounds like a good idea.  
4 Comments
Well ever since I entered my adolescent years I have never had any problem with being lonely.Dating was not my number 1 priority I rather study or play sports but primarily study, whenever someone introduce me to a girl I never had any interest whatsoever no matter how amazing they are but I don't how she was to change that in me.
I do believe you are likely misinterpreting her feelings and the situation.  I'd leave it alone and start college as planned and see what happens. ESPECIALLY if she is younger than you.  That then gets into creepy territory.  good luck
Yeah I think I'm just gonna suppress my emotions and just revert back to my old self. I've come to realisation that some things no matter how much yearn for it are not meant to be.I'm just gonna finish my studies and see how it goes
Thank you for the advice
Avatar universal
Oh boy.... I had to Google to see how close "third cousin" is and it turns out... Very. At least where i come from. My dad is Montenegrin and there relationship between your relatives us kept so tight that for exampke what is cousin, or 2nd or third cousin we refer to as brother and dister. My family is close with our 4th cousins, and guess what... We also refer to them as... Distant sidter, or brother or aunt. It wss practically impossible for anyone to develop any erotic or romantic feelings there because ever since you've known them you never looked at them that way and the sole notion of seeing my 3rd cousin that wsy makes me feel... Iffy. I know that marrying into the family happens in the West as well as east and even though it is legal in my native country it's highly frowned upon. So much so that I've never even heard of any such case.
Now about your case, don't you think that maybe she's being nice to you cause she sees you as her family. And how old is this girl mind my asking? I'm just trying to put myself in her shoes and if anyone who's related to me told me they like me... Romantically that would freak me out. Yet again i come from quite different upbringing.
7 Comments
That's interesting, TruthLady. I don't even know my third cousins. That would be, we share a one set of common great, great grandparents, right? I know all my first cousins (share one set of common grandparents) and several first cousins once removed (first cousin is the parent), and I might have once in my life met one or two of my second cousins (share one set of great-grandparents). But either because of the frontier nature of movement of populations in the United States in the late 1800s, or because a lot of my relatives at the great-grandparent level were emigrants and never saw their families again after coming here, it would surprise me to ever meet a third cousin, let alone one of their children. It is legal in the U.S. to marry cousins more distant than first cousin. Maybe that's because of the immigrant base of our population -- the opportunity wouldn't come up that often! :)
Third cousin means the first common relative between you an them is a great grandparent. Meaning yours and their grandparents were siblings.  Which further means you and them share 1/16 of genetic material. Where my parents are from things are kept so tight in the family because family members wouldn't move that far. For example if a man has two sons they would settle in neighboring houses or otherwise nearby, top that off with the fact that 3 generations would live in the same house and you can see why things are kept so tight. Nowadays even tho the people fluctuate more in their movement, and families live further apart (mine are pretty much scattered all over) things are still kept so tight simply due to tradition. Where I come from I think you could marry 3rd or 4th cousin (not sure) legally, it just isn't happening. We just can't see people we're related that way.
That is why I can't wrap my head around topics of incestuous relationships in these forums. Like people not allowing the siblings of opposite genders to share a room cause things get out of hand and something "has to" happen. I shared a room with my brother as a kid, we had a house with 2 bedrooms, and my parents didn't even think of "what if"s cause that simply wouldn't happen. And there is no way in hell I can see my brother or my cousin, or my second cousin that way. Not cause it's taboo or forbidden or... I just don't. To try and compare that would be like looking at hay and thinking "Uhmm I want to eat this". You just don't, not cause someone forbids you to, but because you don't see hay as food. And I see this happens more often than people would like to admit in the west. I read quite a few threads in here about people getting abused by close family member as children and it freaks the **** out of me. It's literally like reading horror stories imo.
Damn I thought my first comment wasn't posted so I  typed out whole thing twice and I see now there's a duplicate of my comment....
I think the incest taboo happens because of the familiarity -- like you said, if your pesky little brother who got into your things and was generally a jerk is around all the time being a human in all his annoying flaws, not only is he the last person you would find romantically attractive, but probably any guy who reminded you of him would be uninteresting to you too.  

I think the weird incest letters (often a second wife suspecting her husband and his daughter of something) that we sometimes see on MedHelp often seem to come from homes where the dad was not around the kids when they were growing up, and where the daughter was raised with no support and will take abuse as love, all complicated by the sexual revolution, (which though it was supposed to empower women, has mostly seemed to make some men think they have license to be pigs). The other thing to keep in mind when the letters are so distressing is that MedHelp is not a representative sample of populations in general. It's a self-sorting sample: only people who have a problem write in. If I would believe that the women who write in on DNA/Paternity (the community where I'm a CL) are a representative sample of the whole world, I would come away thinking most pregnant women have had unprotected sex with two different men in the same cycle. I know that's not true of women in general, it's just that the forum is something the (few) women with this problem can find, to ask for help.  My guess is that those incest letters are something close to the same. In other words, though worries about incest and suspicion of incest might be happening more often in the West than in countries where families live together all the generations, it's not common. We just hear about it on MedHelp because that is where the people who face this issue (or such suspicions) write to ask for help.
Well since rn I'm 22 and she's 3 years younger than me so she is at the age of 19.Well I'm not really sure about what she really feels and the reason behind her actions I'm just gonna give it some time for it to settle I think and I will question her
From which country are you (or which continent/area) and how are things seen there when it comes to dating your third cousin. Because that cultural approach might be the biggest variable here.
If you think there is a good chance that she sees you only as a male relative and not in any way romantic, you questioning her is not a good idea. Just let it all settle. If she thinks of you in a romantic way, she will find a way to tell you. (Even asking questions, in such a situation, can come across as sleazy or threatening if the other person never thought of you in such a way. Things that you might think are innocuous, such as "I've been thinking of dating," or "How do you feel about me?" could elicit a squirm and an "eeew," it might not feel friendly to her but just icky.)
Avatar universal
I'm wondering why you won't answer the question about how old she is? You said you're 20. I'm starting to wonder whether she's a minor and now you do realize why this would be an improper relationship based on that fact and that's why you're evading the question.
1 Comments
No I didn't say I was 20.I said we enter university at the age of 20 and I started late.I'm 22 and she's 19.I wouldn't have the audacity to be in a relationship with a minor even if I truly love her I will till she reach the required age.It's not that I'm avoiding the question I'm pretty busy I don't have constant access to my social media and leisure activity especially right now.
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