Aa
5.5 Yr Relationship, 1.5 year engagement is over
How do I move on when all of my dreams are wrapped around marrying my ex fiancee?
We were 3 months away from the wedding, everything was paid for except the caterer. It was a struggle to come up with the money so I took a paper route to pay for it. Worked great but the hours are stressful. We didnt want a big wedding but fell into it from pressure from family and friends. We fought about what to do with the money from the wedding. I wanted to use a small part for a honeymoon and he argued everything needed to go to the house. That was the fight where everything that had been bothering him came out. I didnt understand why we couldnt come together to find a solution.
He bottled things up that he resented for years. How was I supposed to know these things were bothering him so we could work on them together? Now he asked me to move out, which is difficult because I go to school and my family is in another city. With final exams coming up he gave me until June 1 but he sleeps in the spare room.
I am devestated. I cant move home with family its not an option. I cant understand why he doesnt want to work this out, that me moving out is "working it out" to him. Whenever I ask him what changed he said my personality which is ridiculous, that doesnt change in people. He brings up little things like me buying a couch he didnt like, or changing things in the house, or that in 5 years I want a boat and I would never have that with him. That I'm too dependent and needy, and we dont want or like the same things.
We do want the same things he just doesnt want them with me anymore. We still like the same things he just doesnt enjoy being around me anymore. Me buying a new couch and throwing out his own (he helped me pick the new one out and consented to throwing the dirty one away) seems like an excuse.
All of this is fixable if we could just talk and come together on things. I'm just not sure why all these "little things" add up so much for him when we worked for so long. He did overcome alcoholism and has told me he now started "caring" about himself again and this may have allowed these new feelings about things to transpire.
I'm destroyed, I found us a grant for a house that he still plans to use. I'm taking summer courses to get into grad school and have a dog. Its so hard to get through exams, find a place to live, and sart new dreams that don't involve him.
Hes ready to move on but is sad. How do I progress? He said hed still like to call me up to do things we enjoy, see if te slate can be wiped clean and give it a shot. I'm worried that he'd never call me, or that I should just be moving on.
Help, I found a therapist through school but my apointment isnt until next week. I wanted to die and give up, its so hard to get through my finals and I went from A's to almost failing.
Whats wrong with me that he changed his mind?
We were 3 months away from the wedding, everything was paid for except the caterer. It was a struggle to come up with the money so I took a paper route to pay for it. Worked great but the hours are stressful. We didnt want a big wedding but fell into it from pressure from family and friends. We fought about what to do with the money from the wedding. I wanted to use a small part for a honeymoon and he argued everything needed to go to the house. That was the fight where everything that had been bothering him came out. I didnt understand why we couldnt come together to find a solution.
He bottled things up that he resented for years. How was I supposed to know these things were bothering him so we could work on them together? Now he asked me to move out, which is difficult because I go to school and my family is in another city. With final exams coming up he gave me until June 1 but he sleeps in the spare room.
I am devestated. I cant move home with family its not an option. I cant understand why he doesnt want to work this out, that me moving out is "working it out" to him. Whenever I ask him what changed he said my personality which is ridiculous, that doesnt change in people. He brings up little things like me buying a couch he didnt like, or changing things in the house, or that in 5 years I want a boat and I would never have that with him. That I'm too dependent and needy, and we dont want or like the same things.
We do want the same things he just doesnt want them with me anymore. We still like the same things he just doesnt enjoy being around me anymore. Me buying a new couch and throwing out his own (he helped me pick the new one out and consented to throwing the dirty one away) seems like an excuse.
All of this is fixable if we could just talk and come together on things. I'm just not sure why all these "little things" add up so much for him when we worked for so long. He did overcome alcoholism and has told me he now started "caring" about himself again and this may have allowed these new feelings about things to transpire.
I'm destroyed, I found us a grant for a house that he still plans to use. I'm taking summer courses to get into grad school and have a dog. Its so hard to get through exams, find a place to live, and sart new dreams that don't involve him.
Hes ready to move on but is sad. How do I progress? He said hed still like to call me up to do things we enjoy, see if te slate can be wiped clean and give it a shot. I'm worried that he'd never call me, or that I should just be moving on.
Help, I found a therapist through school but my apointment isnt until next week. I wanted to die and give up, its so hard to get through my finals and I went from A's to almost failing.
Whats wrong with me that he changed his mind?
Also, you mentioned that all of your plans have been ruined. I am not making light of that suggestion but I'd like to point out what is obvious to me at this point. You plans regarding him certainly seem to be in dire jeopardy right now, but not all of your plans are in jeopardy.
You plan on getting your education, you plan on living a healthy and productive life, you plan on being helpful to others, you plan on enjoying your friends and family. This list in infinite.
I too used to say and believe statements like "all of my plans are ruined", until recently. I now know that "all" of my plans have not been ruined, some have been altered in the past but far from ruined. The plans that seem ruined have really only been altered a bit. Not all plans revolve around the others. I am a firm believer that you are where you are today to purposely move forward, to strive for more, to strive for better.
Your plans, say 6 years ago were probably at least a bit different than they are today. Plans change. There is built in flexibility in all plans whether we realize it or not. Plans without flexibility are set ups for failure.... and failure is not an option and the word should be removed from your vocabulary. As long as there are other people to consider in our relationships, we have to have flexibility. Those people too have desires and needs that need to be met, and there needs to be some kind of compensation.... there needs to be some give and take, or some flexibility.
If this turns out to not be the right one, it will come. It's time to consider yourself first and to prioritize your list..... Yeah, it stings... stings like hell right now! I feel for you. Now is time for you to succeed. Prioritize your bucket list, and knock down those things on the list one at a time.
You plan on getting your education, you plan on living a healthy and productive life, you plan on being helpful to others, you plan on enjoying your friends and family. This list in infinite.
I too used to say and believe statements like "all of my plans are ruined", until recently. I now know that "all" of my plans have not been ruined, some have been altered in the past but far from ruined. The plans that seem ruined have really only been altered a bit. Not all plans revolve around the others. I am a firm believer that you are where you are today to purposely move forward, to strive for more, to strive for better.
Your plans, say 6 years ago were probably at least a bit different than they are today. Plans change. There is built in flexibility in all plans whether we realize it or not. Plans without flexibility are set ups for failure.... and failure is not an option and the word should be removed from your vocabulary. As long as there are other people to consider in our relationships, we have to have flexibility. Those people too have desires and needs that need to be met, and there needs to be some kind of compensation.... there needs to be some give and take, or some flexibility.
If this turns out to not be the right one, it will come. It's time to consider yourself first and to prioritize your list..... Yeah, it stings... stings like hell right now! I feel for you. Now is time for you to succeed. Prioritize your bucket list, and knock down those things on the list one at a time.
Listen, I think I understand where Jenelle is coming from, but it isn't really fair for her to compare her situation to yours. What makes her situation "far worse than yours" is that she went through hers, not yours. If her event hadn't happened, and she were going through yours, "IT" would be the worst thing. I'm sure Jenelle meant no harm, and I'm sure she is sorry that you have to go through this. So am I, and it's tough.
Unlike specialmom, I am going to sound a bit cliche. I personally think everything happens for a reason. Chances are, the problem is his and not yours. Chances are, this problem has been lying around for some time. As time gets closer to the wedding, he's probably figured that he'd better say or do something now. (His timing is a little ineffective, but for most of us guys that is sometimes the case.)
As specialmom suggested, throw yourself into the books right now. That is of the most importance. This too is your future, and you have all of the control in this matter whereas he has some control over the other issue. Start looking for a room mate, start making plans and looking at options. They are out there, I promise. If you get desperate, call an emergency hotline..... do not hold out for your appointment. (Making the appt. was a brilliant thing and should tell you that you're not as out of control as you think you are.)
I know its hard to deal with, considering all of the things you are dealing with. Remember, they are all separate issues and must be dealt with accordingly. In other words, the relationship is one issue, the studies are another, finding a room mate yet another and so on down the line. Address each issue separately because they are separate. Each issue addressed to your liking is a victory, and think baby steps while distancing yourself.
Unlike specialmom, I am going to sound a bit cliche. I personally think everything happens for a reason. Chances are, the problem is his and not yours. Chances are, this problem has been lying around for some time. As time gets closer to the wedding, he's probably figured that he'd better say or do something now. (His timing is a little ineffective, but for most of us guys that is sometimes the case.)
As specialmom suggested, throw yourself into the books right now. That is of the most importance. This too is your future, and you have all of the control in this matter whereas he has some control over the other issue. Start looking for a room mate, start making plans and looking at options. They are out there, I promise. If you get desperate, call an emergency hotline..... do not hold out for your appointment. (Making the appt. was a brilliant thing and should tell you that you're not as out of control as you think you are.)
I know its hard to deal with, considering all of the things you are dealing with. Remember, they are all separate issues and must be dealt with accordingly. In other words, the relationship is one issue, the studies are another, finding a room mate yet another and so on down the line. Address each issue separately because they are separate. Each issue addressed to your liking is a victory, and think baby steps while distancing yourself.
Hi,,my name is Jenelle i am 21yrs old and i've been through a far more worst situation than you.Ask GOD to give you strength to move on if it is meant to be it will,don't sit there and feel like it is all your fault cause its not he changed and he's telling you how he really feels about you,it will hurt like **** i've been there i felt like my heart wanted to stop beat i cried for months and i prayed and right now to this very day i am happy he did'nt love me and it sucked but guess what i love myself and i refuse to let anyone in this world hurt me i love myself and loving yourself is a good start.Put GOD first get down on your knees and let him know how you feel and he will help you i guarantee that.PEACE OUT AND DON'T STRESS OUT, JUST GO WITH THE PUNCHES AND GUESS WHAT LIFE GOES ON AND IT GOES ON FOR BETTER ITS JUST A PHASE YOUR'RE GOING THROUGH.SMILE!!!!!!!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi dear. Sorry you are hurting. Break ups are so painful and especially when you had a future all mapped out as you did.
I think he is being clear though. It is over for him. There is nothing 'wrong' with you. He has thought about what he wants and this doesn't feel right to him. Of course I can say the cliche, better now than after the wedding but that doesn't make you feel any better. When you do marry, you want someone that you communicate so well with that there aren't any surprises in how the other feels. Someone that is so thrilled to be marrying you with not one doubt. Right? This is not that guy.
Was he paying your living expenses or did you pay part of the rent? I'd begin right now looking for a roommate. Ask friends, class mates, or put up a notice. You need to make sure you are covered for June 1st. I'm glad you have the counseling appt. If you do feel any urge to harm yourself, please contact someone right away!! Do not wait to an appt. There are hotlines and professionals always ready to help if you get desperate.
Throw yourself into your finals. Keep a journal for your emotions. It will be better when you are out of his home. Again, so sorry you are hurting. Peace.
I think he is being clear though. It is over for him. There is nothing 'wrong' with you. He has thought about what he wants and this doesn't feel right to him. Of course I can say the cliche, better now than after the wedding but that doesn't make you feel any better. When you do marry, you want someone that you communicate so well with that there aren't any surprises in how the other feels. Someone that is so thrilled to be marrying you with not one doubt. Right? This is not that guy.
Was he paying your living expenses or did you pay part of the rent? I'd begin right now looking for a roommate. Ask friends, class mates, or put up a notice. You need to make sure you are covered for June 1st. I'm glad you have the counseling appt. If you do feel any urge to harm yourself, please contact someone right away!! Do not wait to an appt. There are hotlines and professionals always ready to help if you get desperate.
Throw yourself into your finals. Keep a journal for your emotions. It will be better when you are out of his home. Again, so sorry you are hurting. Peace.
Well I don't know him personally, so I can't help you with why. I can tell you that he probably always had some of these feelings. I guess it is better that you found out now versus after you got married.
My advice is that you should move on. Do things that make you happy. I can tell that you really loved him, and that you probably always will. It is probably not that there is something wrong with you, but more likely wrong with him.
I know it hurts now, but it won't hurt forever. Try not to let this interfere with your life, too much. Just find things that you enjoy. That is the best I can tell you. Good luck!
My advice is that you should move on. Do things that make you happy. I can tell that you really loved him, and that you probably always will. It is probably not that there is something wrong with you, but more likely wrong with him.
I know it hurts now, but it won't hurt forever. Try not to let this interfere with your life, too much. Just find things that you enjoy. That is the best I can tell you. Good luck!
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