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I think my husband still loves his ex girlfriend
My husband & I met in high school. We dated for a year and separated when he joined the military. During our separation we both started seeing other people. His girlfriend at the time, Ashley (who was also in the military), always tried starting things with his family & my family. She would always talk crap about me & my family. Since my (then) ex & I are from a small town & his dad is a cop, it was pretty rough. We stayed separated for a year & a half, and then we got back together. Ashley had broken it off with him nearly 9 months before he & I got back together.
A few months after we got married, I opened our laptop to find that he had left his email account open. I'm not typically a nosey person but when I saw that he had been emailing his ex, I clicked on the emails. He was telling her that he had moved recently (never noting that he had gotten married) and told her that he would love her phone number and address so that they can stay in touch. He also sent her pictures of him & pictures of OUR dog, saying "here are some pics of me & my dog, send me some back of you".
I never said anything to him about it because he will accuse me of snooping, but it really bothered me. So, I just got over it & left it alone. Eventually, I forgot about it.
June of this year (2009), he left his email open again... he had been emailing her again. (Note: we have now been married for 3 years). So, it was pretty much the same emails as before because she never responded to his last email from 2 years ago. Since I was becoming so jealous of his emails to her, I got his password & would regularly log onto his account to see if she was emailing him back. She never did. Then, on October 14th, she sent him an email with her address and phone number. He had already read it, so I couldn't just delete & be done with it.
He is getting out of the military & is in the process of looking for a job.. while in a conversation today, he mentioned that he had found a job at a military base in Georgia. Guess who lives 18 miles away from that base? Ashley.
I had no idea how to react to this when he told me. I know that he knows that she lives there, but what do I possibly say to him about it? He doesn't know that I've been looking at his emails & I really regret looking at them. But, if he really still loves this girl, how do I know that he's not going to try to pursue her if we live so close to her? We don't have any kids yet, and we are looking to buy a house and live wherever he gets a job. How am I supposed to be able to enjoy where I live, knowing that he could be in love with another woman that lives so close & that he's previously had a relationship with?
A few months after we got married, I opened our laptop to find that he had left his email account open. I'm not typically a nosey person but when I saw that he had been emailing his ex, I clicked on the emails. He was telling her that he had moved recently (never noting that he had gotten married) and told her that he would love her phone number and address so that they can stay in touch. He also sent her pictures of him & pictures of OUR dog, saying "here are some pics of me & my dog, send me some back of you".
I never said anything to him about it because he will accuse me of snooping, but it really bothered me. So, I just got over it & left it alone. Eventually, I forgot about it.
June of this year (2009), he left his email open again... he had been emailing her again. (Note: we have now been married for 3 years). So, it was pretty much the same emails as before because she never responded to his last email from 2 years ago. Since I was becoming so jealous of his emails to her, I got his password & would regularly log onto his account to see if she was emailing him back. She never did. Then, on October 14th, she sent him an email with her address and phone number. He had already read it, so I couldn't just delete & be done with it.
He is getting out of the military & is in the process of looking for a job.. while in a conversation today, he mentioned that he had found a job at a military base in Georgia. Guess who lives 18 miles away from that base? Ashley.
I had no idea how to react to this when he told me. I know that he knows that she lives there, but what do I possibly say to him about it? He doesn't know that I've been looking at his emails & I really regret looking at them. But, if he really still loves this girl, how do I know that he's not going to try to pursue her if we live so close to her? We don't have any kids yet, and we are looking to buy a house and live wherever he gets a job. How am I supposed to be able to enjoy where I live, knowing that he could be in love with another woman that lives so close & that he's previously had a relationship with?
I agree with Judy and Myown. I say nip this in the bud NOW!! I am speaking somewhat from experience only I was in your boyfriends spot. My ex and I began emailing while I was involved with my current long term boyfriend. At first it started out friendly, at least I convinced myself it was but eventually I began to have feelings for him again. It was terrible! I was in love with two different people in two different ways. I honestly wish that my boyfriend would have said something in the beginning because my decision to stay with my boyfriend still haunts me to this day. I still wonder if staying with my boyfriend was the best thing for me and I still have buried feelings for the other person that I never got to resolve. I wish it NEVER happened!
Don't take the chance of letting things escalate to that point. I can tell you right now that if it was strictly friendly that he would have mentioned that he was married! Me and my ex exchanged photos too and trust me there's something to that and it's not good!
Finally, so what if he gets mad at you! You have much more of a right to get mad than he does! When my boyfriend finally found my emails I didn't dare get mad at him when what I was doing was clearly much worse than him looking at my emails.
Turn the situation around. If your husband came across these emails from you to your ex and then you mentioned wanting to move to basically the same town as him do you think he would just sit back, suck it up and not say anything?? Relationships don't work without being honest and right now neither one of you are being honest with one another. There is a big white elephant in the room and no one is talking about it. CONFRONT HIM!!!!!!!! And please update your post, I would love to hear how things are going :)
Best of luck!!
Don't take the chance of letting things escalate to that point. I can tell you right now that if it was strictly friendly that he would have mentioned that he was married! Me and my ex exchanged photos too and trust me there's something to that and it's not good!
Finally, so what if he gets mad at you! You have much more of a right to get mad than he does! When my boyfriend finally found my emails I didn't dare get mad at him when what I was doing was clearly much worse than him looking at my emails.
Turn the situation around. If your husband came across these emails from you to your ex and then you mentioned wanting to move to basically the same town as him do you think he would just sit back, suck it up and not say anything?? Relationships don't work without being honest and right now neither one of you are being honest with one another. There is a big white elephant in the room and no one is talking about it. CONFRONT HIM!!!!!!!! And please update your post, I would love to hear how things are going :)
Best of luck!!
This is from a man's point of view. You are a young girl with no children. Now is the time to find out what is going on with this guy. Later it will be much more difficult sdo don't procrastinate.
Guys often feel trapped when they get married. We don't like the idea of not being attractive to women any more. A woman's first question is "Are you married?" Divorce rates are not good for the future of any marriage...50% end in divorce and 25% of those that don't should. In other words, you have about a one in five chance of having a good marriage...the old 80/20 rule.
You already know he didn't tell Ashley about being married as that would have made him unattractive to her. A dog is OK, a wife is not.
My advice...confront him. Say something like honey I have a feeling your are still attracted to Asley and it worries me that this new job is only a few minutes from her house. Let's talk about how we really feel about being married. See where that conversation goes. Don't be afraid to end it as it will be muc much harder la ter.
Vincent
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Guys often feel trapped when they get married. We don't like the idea of not being attractive to women any more. A woman's first question is "Are you married?" Divorce rates are not good for the future of any marriage...50% end in divorce and 25% of those that don't should. In other words, you have about a one in five chance of having a good marriage...the old 80/20 rule.
You already know he didn't tell Ashley about being married as that would have made him unattractive to her. A dog is OK, a wife is not.
My advice...confront him. Say something like honey I have a feeling your are still attracted to Asley and it worries me that this new job is only a few minutes from her house. Let's talk about how we really feel about being married. See where that conversation goes. Don't be afraid to end it as it will be muc much harder la ter.
Vincent
***@****
I used to check on my ex husbands cell phones when i was married to him just to confirm he was having an affair, it was driving me crazy to see him calling her all the time.
But now , I feel i shouldn't have snooped into his personal stuff, because it was making go crazy. My life would have been lot better if i had stopped investigating on him. Yes, he was having an affair, but didn't last for ever.
Instead of investigating on him Please spend more time and show more love to him. Try to bring back the spark you both had when you first met.
This is from my own personal experience. My ex had many affairs so i got separated. But in your case your husband needs more TLC.
But now , I feel i shouldn't have snooped into his personal stuff, because it was making go crazy. My life would have been lot better if i had stopped investigating on him. Yes, he was having an affair, but didn't last for ever.
Instead of investigating on him Please spend more time and show more love to him. Try to bring back the spark you both had when you first met.
This is from my own personal experience. My ex had many affairs so i got separated. But in your case your husband needs more TLC.
PS--
you can get transcripts or listings of all calls made to and from cell phones... just look up the cell account online with your cell service provider... home phones can also have listed numbers, too- though any more, I think you have to call the phone co to request that... there are ways, my dear-- best to be armed with as much info as you can-- even if you never have to use it.
you can get transcripts or listings of all calls made to and from cell phones... just look up the cell account online with your cell service provider... home phones can also have listed numbers, too- though any more, I think you have to call the phone co to request that... there are ways, my dear-- best to be armed with as much info as you can-- even if you never have to use it.
print out whatever emails you are finding that disturb you... save them in a very safe place that he will not find. He can always delete stuff--and you would be up against his "what proof do you have" you're crazy... My H had similar issues-- though with porn-- I found a way into his account and web history- viewed, saved and printed-- stored for safe keeping... when I confronted him-- he denied everything-- even tho I told him in no uncertain terms that I knew he was lying...then when I showed him a copy of his web history... things changed right then and there.... we managed to work thru it-- with marriage counseling and hard work on both our parts--it's been over 2 years now....and we are closer than ever.. though we do both have full access to all of each others accounts, emails, etc. online. Shows a mutual trust between us both.
But, definately TALK to your H... tell him of your concerns, IE what's happened in the past, your concern that she will be THAT close to you-- tell him you are uncomfortable, insecure-- whatever, just be honest and diplomatic-- not accusatory. Give him a chance -- but keep in mind the emails, etc... just in case....
I know that sounds wrong-- but it saved my sanity- and my marriage....
Best of luck to you both... If he is true to you...he will understand your concerns and at least try to work that out with you....
But, definately TALK to your H... tell him of your concerns, IE what's happened in the past, your concern that she will be THAT close to you-- tell him you are uncomfortable, insecure-- whatever, just be honest and diplomatic-- not accusatory. Give him a chance -- but keep in mind the emails, etc... just in case....
I know that sounds wrong-- but it saved my sanity- and my marriage....
Best of luck to you both... If he is true to you...he will understand your concerns and at least try to work that out with you....
haha yeah but ya know what? lorraine was nice about it, she brought the Police to the area in which she threw his weenie and they got it back for him if I remember correctly.
I think I read he got it enlarged haha, Really though, he got something done to it to make it bigger and now supposedly he is a porn star...haha
isn't it funny though that all of us women still remember her name? Is there some hidden meaning in that? lol Do we secretly worship her hutzpah and say "yeah, you go girl! haha
I can't remember if she went to jail for that and if so for how long AND the women that use the ~other~ method - you know the "crazy glue" to the leg technique haha,,,,do those women that do that go to jail and if so how much longer do they have to serve? lol
I think this is vital information for all women to have on hand haha Cuz we just never know, ya know...hahaha ut oh, here comes my husband, I betta hit post comment so he doesn't see me typing this. hahahaha j/k
I think I read he got it enlarged haha, Really though, he got something done to it to make it bigger and now supposedly he is a porn star...haha
isn't it funny though that all of us women still remember her name? Is there some hidden meaning in that? lol Do we secretly worship her hutzpah and say "yeah, you go girl! haha
I can't remember if she went to jail for that and if so for how long AND the women that use the ~other~ method - you know the "crazy glue" to the leg technique haha,,,,do those women that do that go to jail and if so how much longer do they have to serve? lol
I think this is vital information for all women to have on hand haha Cuz we just never know, ya know...hahaha ut oh, here comes my husband, I betta hit post comment so he doesn't see me typing this. hahahaha j/k
Lorraine Bobbit (LOL)....it should give him nightmares and think twice before straying (LOL).
He doesn't know that I've been looking at his emails & I really regret looking at them.
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You shouldn't regret looking at his emails. I don't understand women that say this. My husband can open my emails whenever he wants to and I could care less. I doubt he would, but if he wants, go right ahead. I would not get mad at all.
Many times when he sees me on the computer he will say "Myown, do me a favor, before shut it down would you switch to my email and check them for me?"
You seriously need to talk to your husband. The only woman whose mouth I would expect to hear those words of " I really regret looking at my husbands emails" - would be some bleeding heart female attorney who works for the ACLU. Other than that, don't be foolish, be happy you saw this and straighten his rear end out but PRONTO.
Geesh, if you aren't going to say anything, hang a picture of Lorraine Bobbit on your living room wall or something. Certainly don't do what she did, but make him sweat a little.
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You shouldn't regret looking at his emails. I don't understand women that say this. My husband can open my emails whenever he wants to and I could care less. I doubt he would, but if he wants, go right ahead. I would not get mad at all.
Many times when he sees me on the computer he will say "Myown, do me a favor, before shut it down would you switch to my email and check them for me?"
You seriously need to talk to your husband. The only woman whose mouth I would expect to hear those words of " I really regret looking at my husbands emails" - would be some bleeding heart female attorney who works for the ACLU. Other than that, don't be foolish, be happy you saw this and straighten his rear end out but PRONTO.
Geesh, if you aren't going to say anything, hang a picture of Lorraine Bobbit on your living room wall or something. Certainly don't do what she did, but make him sweat a little.
sorry, I meant, "have NO regret of looking in his e-mail"....i would have done the same thing.
This is terrible. I would confront immediately with the evidence. Knick it in the butt, before it escalates and do you really want to be with someone who is a high risk for infidelity all the time? I wouldn't want to be with a man who is possibly in love with someone else and I'm just getting really bad vibes about this one. You do have a say on where you want to live and I would ask him straight out, what's going on and what are his feelings and intent towards Ashley. Have on regret that you look into his e-mail, because I would have done the same thing, but all hell would have broken lose as soon as he walked through the door. You really need to re-evaluate if you want to continue with him or not, but you need to know if he is in love with this girl, because if he is, there is no point in staying with someone who doesn't love you and is high risk for infidelity. Good luck, Judy
What a spot to be in! I couldn't have held onto that information for very long if it were me. I agree with mami, I too think you should present him with the "evidence" but do NOT let him know how you got it. He'll immediately change his password and you will be blocked. Speaking of blocked, can you block her email?? I know you can on yahoo (if your husband has a yahoo email address) but not sure about any others. IMO I don't think you should wait too much longer though because you don't want it to escalate into something more than an exchange of emails. You won't want to find proof that he's actually cheating after the fact. Your main concern is PREVENTING it.
Thinking about your situation and then reading iam1butterfly, I agree, hold out for now until you have some good evidence. My only worry is that they exchanged phone numbers so he will probably most likely communicate with her that way instead of email, so you may not know what is going on.
Having access to his e-mail account is almost like striking gold... it's like being able to read his mind! It's a bit devious, I know. But, if I were in your situation... I would keep reading and see what happens. Right now it's talk that may lead to nothing. Then, again... if all of this starts to eat away at you, or if things appear to be getting out of hand with the ex... you know, like making arrangements to meet with her, then drop the axe... and tell him that you know everything. You don't have to tell him how you knew... only that you know.
Why not just come right out and tell him that you know, also tell him married people should not have secrets from each other if they really love one another, in a marriage both couples should be open with each other, so jusr spit it out, and see where it goes you are his wife, nor her, as long as you take it he will keep it up luck jo
Any advice I can get right now is great! Thank you so much for posting and I will try to figure out a way to approach him with this. As for keeping everything about the emails inside, it's definitely been tough. If I would have said something to him in the very beginning, he would have been outraged and told me that I was lying about his account being open when I got on the computer. Since it's been 3 years since this first happened, he's a little more understanding of things. (He's grown up a little more).
Thank you for your help!!
Thank you for your help!!
I don't think it's love hon. I think perhaps he is curious and wonders what she is up to. However, it doesn't sound good that he's contacting her again. I don't know how you hold it in, I don't think I could ever hold in knowing about the emails, I would of exploded the moment I read that first email. I wish I could give some good advice but all I could say is for you to be honest with your husband. He will get mad that you snooped but it will only be to deflect the issue off of him. Either way, trust has been broken. See I'm a little sneaky when I have info but don't want my fiance to know how I got the info. I think of a way to get it out of him without telling him that I knew. So what I would do is ask him in a casual conversation if he ever speaks to any of his exes. This way if he says yeah, I actually got in touch with Ashley, just to see how she is. Or to see if he lies and says no. You see, you aren't really snooping if he left his email open. You say you got on the computer, he left it open and you "accidently" clicked on the screen. My advice is probably horrible.
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