I want to get married, boyfriend doesn't

[dmarie01]

I am 27 and my boyfriend is 34.  We have been together for 2.5yrs and have lived together for 2 yrs.  I love him very much and know that he is right for me.  He treats me like a queen.  Every morning we wake up he showers me with kisses and hugs, among the many other things he does and says that makes me know that he loves me dearly.  

Early in our relationship we used to joke about marriage sending mixed messages about how we eached really felt about marriage.  I know he has some complex feelings about marriage because so many in his family have failed.  But looking at the stats, there have been a lot of successful ones also.  My family has not been lucky in marriage either but for some reason I can look past that and see that we have something different and I am willing to give it my all to make it work.  

A couple months ago I brought up the topic and wanted to discuss it seriously with him but it ended in a big fight because he said he wasn't ready for marriage and didn't know if he ever would be.  After a lot of tears and almost breaking up he told me that he didn't know that I felt so strongly about it and that maybe in a few years he might be ready.   I have a lot of problems with this "resolution" because there is still so much uncertainty.  I didn't know if he just said that because he didn't want to loose me or if he really meant that he was going to think about it.  We still can't talk openly about the topic without him getting defensive, and God forbid we see anything wedding related on tv, he changes the chanel immediately. The deeper problem is that because of the doubt i have that maybe he just doesn't want to marry 'ME', I have now started to pull away from him emotionally.  I feel rejected.  I feel as though I can't talk to him openly anymore, so as to not push the issue and yet there are so many unresolved concerns that this may never happen and that I might just be waiting in vein.

I just don't understand.  Our lives are set up as a married couple as it is.  We share a house, bank accounts and every aspect of our lives together.  One could argue that if it aint broke don't fix it, but my arguement is that if it is so much like the real thing already then nothing should change if we make it official, so why not? He's got front row seats to what our lives would be like after marriage so why is he so scared? I don't need the big party and the rings and the dress and everything, in fact, I don't even want that.  I believe that marriage is a symbol of the committment two people make to each other that no matter what, they will try to work it out and be there for each other.  

Based on this, my only conclusion is that his reservations have a deeper meaning and I don't know how to get to the truth.

Should I wait around to see if he will stay true to his word and maybe in a few years we can move forward with our relationship or should I take the risk and start over with someone else, which might take just as long if not longer. Seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place since neither decision will be easy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[specialmom]

Whew, long post.  Well, I still stand by the fact that you two want different things.  One or the other would be compromising on something very important if you give in to the other.  To me, I'd not have stayed with someone no matter how much in love I was if they didn't want to marry me.  Marriage was something I wanted and needed.  Wouldn't have worked for me to give that up.  I'd always hold a bitter place in my heart and resent it a little no matter how much I thought I loved the guy at the time.  I'm practical about relationships and love.  

so maybe it doesn't matter that much to your girlfriend if you don't marry.  But if you've been up front with her and she still mentions it----------  she'll deep down harbor resentment because of this throughout the duration of your relationship.  

So, if she wrote her side of things, I'd tell her to leave you and find someone that better matches what she wants.

And that is my advice to you as well.  You two are not compatible.  

Butterflies and love have nothing to do with each other.  But then I've had a successful long term marriage-----  so the floating away thing isn't something that I really believe in or even get such an analogy.  But then again, I was practical and broke it off with men that I dated that I found didn't have the same goals as me  

I'm definitely not saying you are wrong for how you feel.  But your girlfriend isn't wrong either.  You both should be with people that want the same things when it comes to something so fundamental and foundational in one's belief system.  good luck

[Logic457]

Yes,
My girlfriend is clear that she wants to get married and I am clear to her that past experiences -both personal and anecdotal have lead me to have different views on marriage than she does.

Fair. We have both been upfront with each other.

To be honest, we didn't really discuss it when we started dating and by the time the subject of marriage became a serious topic of discussion we were already head over heels for each other. It's possible that had these issues came up before we fell in love we may have gone our separate ways figuring that we were not compatible, But now that we are in a happy, loving, committed relationship it's not as simple as just breaking up because we've already seen how compatible we are in every other way. We love each other and neither of us wants to break up anytime soon.

Your advice for men in my situation seems to be “If you don't think you can [Marry] her, then you should let her find someone who can make the kind of commitment (legally) relationship she desires"

This suggests that I am somehow preventing her from doing this. I'm not.

I love her and i want her to stay with me forever but I'm not holding her against her will or keeping her captive in the relationship.

We are together because we are happy together and because we love each other. If she felt one day that someone else could make her happier then I wouldn't stop her from finding happiness.

We have this fundamental difference in regards to how we see marriage and yet we are still together despite that because we love each other, are happy together and would rather be with each other than with someone else. I believe that's what should hold a relationship together. I know she would rather be married than girlfriend or boyfriend but i'm hoping that it's not enough to break us up.

I am saying to my girlfriend: "I want for you and me together forever".

Is it more important for a woman to find a guy who will marry her or for her to find a guy that she wants to spend the rest of her life with?

It's selfish to want to obligate someone to be in a relationship if they feel that they would be happier single or with someone else. I would not want my girlfriend to be with me if she thought that someone else could make her happier. I would want her to be honest with me and be free even though it would be painful for me.

That's one of the issues I have with Marriage...

Marriage says that people should be penalized for not staying in unhappy relationships.  I believe me and my girlfriend should stay together because there's nowhere else we'd rather be. Not because we're obligated to not leave.

If my girlfriend thinks that the lack of a marriage certificate trumps all of the positive things in our relationship and that she would be happier single or in another relationship then she should go end this relationship and follow her heart.

As a poster said several comments above:

"love should be like a butterfly in your hand".

speacialmom, "It's not an issue of me letter her go or not... it's me leaving the door open for her to leave if she wants and hoping that our love is strong enough on its own merits that she wants to stay.

Your advice for men in my situation seems to be " If you don't think you can [Marry] her, then you should let her find someone who can make the kind of committed (legally) relationship she desires"

This suggests that I am somehow preventing her from doing this.
I'm not holding her against her will or keeping her captive in the relationship. We are together because we are happy together and because we love each other. If she felt one day that someone else could make her happier then I wouldn't stop her from finding happiness.

My girlfriend and I have this fundamental difference in regards to how we see marriage and yet we are still together despite that impasse because we love each other, are happy together and would rather be with each other than with someone else. I believe that love should be the force that holds a relationship together.

It's selfish to want to obligate someone to be in a relationship if they feel that they would be happier single or with someone else. That's what marriage does. It's a series of penalties and obligations. It is an attempt to guarantee something that is impossible to guarantee even with the best  of intentions.

I would not want my girlfriend to be with me if she thought that someone else could make her happier. I would not have her in a situation where she wants to leave but can't because she fears legal or financial repercussions.

If irreconcilable differences were to surface between us I would want her to be honest with me and be free even though it would be painful for me.

That's one of the issues I have with Marriage...

Marriage says that people should be penalized for not staying in unhappy relationships.  I believe me and my girlfriend should stay together because there's nowhere else we'd rather be. Not because we're obligated to.

If she thinks that the lack of a marriage certificate trumps all of the positive things in our relationship and that she would be happier single or in another relationship then she should go end this relationship and follow her heart.

As a poster said several comments above: "love should be like a butterfly in your hand". It's not an issue of letter her go or not... it's leaving the door open for her to leave if she wants and hoping that she wants to stay.

[Nighthawk61]

So your wife (by common law) is out of her comfort zone without being married, which is considered the "norm" and steeped in rich tradition, something that she's had her heart set on since her first tea party,
she's embarrassed out of her mind with what her friends and family, dead or alive are entertaining as to your respect for her, bottom line, she's got to be thinking that you just don't care enough about her to marry her.

You're deadlocked and at an impasse, and what you're saying is that chivalry is dead. That you're not willing to step up and take the bullet. That you'd rather leave your poor girl without peace of mind and pride. Personally, I think your girlfriend deserves a man that would put her happiness first. A man is supposed to protect their women and their children. (have you stopped any moving forward in that area too i wonder). To be a man is to lay down his life for his women and family if need be and you're stuck on what it's going to cost you if it doesn't work out?  Your position taken is about $$$ when it should be about respect.

I'm wondering what your views are about having kids? Do you mind telling us whether your wife wants kids, and  whether you don't? I think that most people want to be married for the children's sake.

[nutsandproud]

My uncle didnt want to marry his gf. 20 years down the line and three children they're still perfectly happy together.

[specialmom]

The bottom line is that your girlfriend is clear that she wants to get married.  Whether you agree that her goal is worthy or not, she is upfront about it.  If you don't think you can do that, then you should let her findd someone she can make the kind of committed (legally) relationship she desires.  

I wanted to get married as well.  I also wanted children and would never consider having kids with someone I wasn't married to.  She's 38, that is probably going through her mind.

So, let her go find the man of her dreams that wants to marry her.  You can find someone that better matches your stance in life that marriage is simply a paper.  Neither opinion on that is right or wrong----  it's a matter of what people want.

You'll never be able to convince someone that marriage is meaningless that wants to get married (as a married woman of many woman like myself could argue that) and I know that I'll never convince you that marriage is a true commitment and a sign that a couple signs up to go through the hard times with each other and hope to be together forever.  We don't see it the same----  so you just have to look at the practical issue that your girlfriend and you want different things.  good luck

[Logic457]

I'm in a similar type of relationship as some of you ladies. But I’m a guy so I just thought i'd post from a male point of view since it seems like mostly women posting here...

I have been with my girlfriend for about 3 years. I'm 32 and she is 28. I've been married before and it ended badly. I'm divorced now and in the happiest relationship that I could imagine. I love my girlfriend and she loves me and I really feel right now that I've met my soul mate (if there is such a thing) We live together and are genuinely extrememly happy.

recently she has been pressuring me about marriage and I feel that if our relationship is so happy and we are so in love now, then why should we need a piece of paper to validate it?

She says because she wants a "committment"
I say we are already in a committed relationship.

We even wear rings and call each other Mr. and Mrs.

She says because she wants to spend the rest of our lives together.
I say “I want that too but don't need to get married in order to do that”.

We seem perfect for each other physically and emotionally. We have the same since of humor, the same taste in music, books, and movies. I really feel like I’ve met the love of my life. So why change things? We’re in love, isn't that enough?

She says things like "I want to know where this relationship is going".
In my mind, the destination (if there is such a thing) should be to be happy and in love and faithful... if you already have that then why is there a need to be "going" anywhere?

She says that she wants to guarantee that our love lasts forever.
It would be nice if marriage could guarantee everlasting love but marriage doesn't do that.

Marriage doesn’t keep people from falling out of love; it just adds penalties and punishments for falling out of love If you love someone you don't need an official document to make you want to stay together. People stay in relationships because they love each other and like being around each other, why isn't that enough?

Are women who INSIST on marriage trying to guarantee something that cannot be guaranteed? Why not just be happy and in love and together?

Ladies: If your man loves you and you are happy with him then why isn't that enough?

And for all those women who commented with statements like "leave him if he's not ready"... I think that it is hypocritical for a person to suggest that if they claim that they are in love.

How can you say that "if a man loves you then he wouldn't let you walk away over a piece of paper" and in the same breath assert that you love your man and would leave that man unless he signed the very same piece of paper?

It seems like some women are confusing selfish with content.
For some men it's enough just to be in love.

If your man treats you well and you are in a happy loving relationship and committed relationship then stop looking for something that you already have. Marriage doesn't add love or commitment, it just adds paperwork.
It breaks my heart when i hear of good, loving and committed relationships ending for something a superficial as a legal title.

Ladies: if you find yourself in a situation in which you are with a man that you love and who loves you and he is committed to you and is faithful and it STILL isn't enough then maybe you should ask yourself  this:

is "commitment" the right word for what you are looking for, or are  "obligation" "guarantee" "penalty" more suitably terms.

If you are already in a committed relationship with a man that loves you then Just be content with sharing your life with the man you love and stop pushing for something you already have.

Marriage doesn't guarantee commitment or love, it only financially punishes people who are miserable in their relationship for breaking up.