Aa
If a "friend" said you can't talk about someone you care about...
From my other post, I told a friend that this guy was going to be divorced at the end of the month. She turns around and tells me that she fears that I will get hurt and that she does not want to hear about him. But she is always talking about what she wants to talk about. I think it is time to say good bye to this "friend" what do you think?
So I did ask her, so I am not supposed to try for someone I enjoy? Am I supposed to stay at home and be alone? This friendship seems to have been heading downward for way to long and this just told me what I should do- end it now.
So I did ask her, so I am not supposed to try for someone I enjoy? Am I supposed to stay at home and be alone? This friendship seems to have been heading downward for way to long and this just told me what I should do- end it now.
Yes, I think it has.
I felt sorry for her because she is ill, and most days she cannot get around. Most of the time it is me doing all the giving and helping her out. Then when she feels better she gets into politics big time . It's not that must see my point of view, but she is acting like a Mom to me and that is not what i want. Other friends have helped me figure out the fun in this and also mention to take things slow, but this girl wants me to stop dead and not even allow for a chance- as if i am not good enought for him.
I felt sorry for her because she is ill, and most days she cannot get around. Most of the time it is me doing all the giving and helping her out. Then when she feels better she gets into politics big time . It's not that must see my point of view, but she is acting like a Mom to me and that is not what i want. Other friends have helped me figure out the fun in this and also mention to take things slow, but this girl wants me to stop dead and not even allow for a chance- as if i am not good enought for him.
Well....if she is not able to see your point of view and you don't really feel you are getting "equal footage," then perhaps it is time to move on from this friendship.....sounds like the relationship has run its course.
I did talk to her and her reactions are far for kind. She is all about her and I enjoy friends where we can have equal footage. I am not interested in datin gother guys. I am fine being alone, I just like this guy- there is just something I really like about him.
Nope, the friend goes. This was just the nail that went into the coffen, this has been leading up to this for sometime. I just fianlly had enought.
Thanks for listening, as for going after him, all I ever said was I want to remind him I am still around. He is fun as a friend and if something more comes of it - fine & great. Yes, the divorce will be final this month.
The friend btw is only two year older than I am and she has no clue what my life experences are with men- she does not care.
Nope, the friend goes. This was just the nail that went into the coffen, this has been leading up to this for sometime. I just fianlly had enought.
Thanks for listening, as for going after him, all I ever said was I want to remind him I am still around. He is fun as a friend and if something more comes of it - fine & great. Yes, the divorce will be final this month.
The friend btw is only two year older than I am and she has no clue what my life experences are with men- she does not care.
I wouldn't end a friendship because a friend spoke her mind about something. That's not even necessary. Ok, you might be mad for a little bit, but I don't see the need to end the relationship. Plus, you stated "What I find odd is that she never had an issue of me talking about him a few years back when I first realized I had feelings for him but I could not do anything about it since he was married,"..... So, you have been talking about him for quite awhile so perhaps she is just done discussing this because it has just been OVERLY discussed.
On the other hand, if you have found her over time becoming more and more centered on herself then you might want to have a chat with her about this and see what she says. Perhaps she doesn't even realize how she is coming across or realize what she is doing in regards to monopolizing the convos (conversations), etc.
Sounds like this friend maybe older than you AND/OR her life experiences are more extensive than yours and that is why she is probably taking a more "motherly" role with you. I think she has your best interest at heart.
She definitely is concerned about you. There is a possibility of you getting your heart trampled on/hurt in regards to this man.
I can't give you a man's point of view in regards to divorce, but I am telling you to proceed with caution and take this situation slow in regards to this man dear. You really need to give him time to get through this rough part of his life and have complete closure before he can move on. I mean, the ink isn't even on the final divorce papers yet and still then he should have time to deal with this before moving on with anyone and that MAY OR MAY NOT be with you and that can happen quickly or take years.
No, by all means you don't have to be lonely and sitting at home. I would recommend you get out and date other men who and perhaps keep this guy on the back burner and let him work through his situation in the meantime. You can date casually and that way you aren't sitting at home alone.
Don't get yourself emotionally involved, attached or invested into a situation that doesn't exist yet. If you do this, you definitely are setting yourself up for heartbreak possible and this is EXACTLY what your friend is concerned about.
Well.....think LONG AND HARD about tossing this friendship into the trash. I would talk to her FIRST about these issues you have with her and then go from there.
On the other hand, if you have found her over time becoming more and more centered on herself then you might want to have a chat with her about this and see what she says. Perhaps she doesn't even realize how she is coming across or realize what she is doing in regards to monopolizing the convos (conversations), etc.
Sounds like this friend maybe older than you AND/OR her life experiences are more extensive than yours and that is why she is probably taking a more "motherly" role with you. I think she has your best interest at heart.
She definitely is concerned about you. There is a possibility of you getting your heart trampled on/hurt in regards to this man.
I can't give you a man's point of view in regards to divorce, but I am telling you to proceed with caution and take this situation slow in regards to this man dear. You really need to give him time to get through this rough part of his life and have complete closure before he can move on. I mean, the ink isn't even on the final divorce papers yet and still then he should have time to deal with this before moving on with anyone and that MAY OR MAY NOT be with you and that can happen quickly or take years.
No, by all means you don't have to be lonely and sitting at home. I would recommend you get out and date other men who and perhaps keep this guy on the back burner and let him work through his situation in the meantime. You can date casually and that way you aren't sitting at home alone.
Don't get yourself emotionally involved, attached or invested into a situation that doesn't exist yet. If you do this, you definitely are setting yourself up for heartbreak possible and this is EXACTLY what your friend is concerned about.
Well.....think LONG AND HARD about tossing this friendship into the trash. I would talk to her FIRST about these issues you have with her and then go from there.
I see this scenario a couple of different ways. If the guy is indeed getting a divorce, he may or may not be interested in a relationship. You may have far more "invested" in this that he has/will and your friend may be trying to give you a wake up call. If this guy is getting a divorce, what's the problem with giving him some time? What would be the reason for the divorce? If it's infidelity, I'd stand pretty clear for a while. Let the dust settle... this guy might be on the hunt.
As well, with your friend being negative about this situation. How much and how long have you been talking about this guy? A lot of things could be happening. Your friend might be uncomfortable with the idea of you "falling for" a married guy. She may be uncomfortable with the amount of time you've spent talking about this guy. Who knows? Like I said, we are only getting part of the story and that is all we can comment on.
I will add this. I have a friend that believes the "world is out to get him". This guy is a pretty good guy, but his impression of what is going on is completely out of line. He, his thought process, and his decision making process are HIS problems. He cannot see it that way. Now, because of all of his negativity, I don't talk with him anymore. I just don't need it.
You may of may not have put yourself or perhaps your friend in the same situation. Again, who knows?
As well, with your friend being negative about this situation. How much and how long have you been talking about this guy? A lot of things could be happening. Your friend might be uncomfortable with the idea of you "falling for" a married guy. She may be uncomfortable with the amount of time you've spent talking about this guy. Who knows? Like I said, we are only getting part of the story and that is all we can comment on.
I will add this. I have a friend that believes the "world is out to get him". This guy is a pretty good guy, but his impression of what is going on is completely out of line. He, his thought process, and his decision making process are HIS problems. He cannot see it that way. Now, because of all of his negativity, I don't talk with him anymore. I just don't need it.
You may of may not have put yourself or perhaps your friend in the same situation. Again, who knows?
zoe, what are you getting out of this friendship? If you're not getting anything out of it, stop seeing her.
I have several friends who I've been friends with for decades (literally, decades) that I know exactly how close to get to them. Not that close. They're good for girl's lunch out, or a group road trip to a folk arts fair, but that's it. They're opinionated, boorish, hog the conversation, etc., and I don't need it.
You just need to pick your friends, and those who are abrasive and overly opinionated and controlling don't need to be in your close circle.
I have several friends who I've been friends with for decades (literally, decades) that I know exactly how close to get to them. Not that close. They're good for girl's lunch out, or a group road trip to a folk arts fair, but that's it. They're opinionated, boorish, hog the conversation, etc., and I don't need it.
You just need to pick your friends, and those who are abrasive and overly opinionated and controlling don't need to be in your close circle.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I have said that to friends before hon. I really have. If you are obsessing a bit over this married man that may or may not end up divorced (you never know) and talking about it---- she may have just had enough. I've also in years past before meeting a husband had a guy I had a crush on and would talk and talk about him and a good friend of mine said "quit being so dumb and immature about this guy." yep, she said it. It stung but she was absolutely right. It put my own actions in perspective.
She's one of the best friends I've ever had in my whole life. A good enough friend to be honest.
Your friend is honest with you. This guy may very well hurt you and she sees the writing on the wall-------- he's not even divorced yet hon nor are you at all dating and you want to discuss it with her and dissect it, etc.
I just think you are maybe a little too emotionally involved with this guy and that is not a good thing. And a good friend lets you know this.
She's one of the best friends I've ever had in my whole life. A good enough friend to be honest.
Your friend is honest with you. This guy may very well hurt you and she sees the writing on the wall-------- he's not even divorced yet hon nor are you at all dating and you want to discuss it with her and dissect it, etc.
I just think you are maybe a little too emotionally involved with this guy and that is not a good thing. And a good friend lets you know this.
This " friend" if she were one would welcome talk. She is more of a dictator that a friend. She always has to control the situation and all her whole life revolves around is her- her illness and her politics. I have questioned her for a very long time. What I find odd is that she never had an issue of me talking about him a few years back when I first realized I had feelings for him but I could not do anything about it since he was married. He has none how I have felt and for a long time. He did not leave his wife for me- I actually helped them stay together, but now since they have called it quits I don't see any reason not to let him know I still like him.
The "friend" goes regardless. I am so glad that I have several guy friends to help me talk about these things. They are the ones that have pointed out how this " friend" is acting like a protective "Mom". One of my guy friends has been married a few times and I have talked about what this guy is going to be going through right now. No a real friend allows for "even" exchange of conversation, not " Oh, you cannot talk about things that are important to you", only I can talk about what is important to me... That is not a friend.
The "friend" goes regardless. I am so glad that I have several guy friends to help me talk about these things. They are the ones that have pointed out how this " friend" is acting like a protective "Mom". One of my guy friends has been married a few times and I have talked about what this guy is going to be going through right now. No a real friend allows for "even" exchange of conversation, not " Oh, you cannot talk about things that are important to you", only I can talk about what is important to me... That is not a friend.
I think your friend was just saying what a lot of women on the site say also, which is that right after a divorce is not a good time to expect much of a lasting nature from a guy. You can get mad at your friend if you like, but it actually doesn't sound like such bad advice. I am sorry you shaped it in your mind as you are not supposed to be getting what you want but she can get what she wants. You sound determined to go after this guy one way or another, even if it means dissing your friend in order to rationalize it. Go for it, however it works out, but don't be mean to your friend.
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