I'm not sure where to post this but I really do need help..

[hanalovebaby]

My lover and I have been together for 5 years, long distance. He is very good to me, we have good communication and we listen to and understand one another. But..I have very little to no self confidence..and I used to be very jealous of others with him. We both were one another's first, and through our ups and downs we have grown stronger together an are very loyal to one another. He has cheated, when we had first met, and is a flirt but doesn't mean anythig by it or do anything inappropriate with the other person.
I am very redundant, as he has said, with questions pertaining to certain people with him, an he gets quite disappointed with me after a certain amount of the same types of questions. Although he does not yell at me or hang up/walk away, he sighs a lot and gets a very sad-tone of voice. I feel very very bad for asking these questions..but it seems like I can't stop..I want to so very badly though. But I think I ask these because of his cheating in the beginning and because of my low self confidence.
(Take in mind if you're reading..he does tell me all of the time how beautiful I am and how much he cares..so my low self asteem is not because of him at all.)
He re-assures me time and time again that he will not cheat, not go away, won't let anyone take him away, and doesn't have feelings for anyone. But yet I still ask time..and time again.
How do I stop these annoying questions? D;
PLEASE please someone help me.
Thank you
Hana

[hanalovebaby]

Thank you both so much for your opinions and advice. I know it is very odd, and yes we are both in the process of finishing school. He has told me over and over that he will/wants to move to where I am, and today I am excepting what he wants and what I want without the questions in my head. I am thankful that we have good communication so we could tell one another and figure out together what we want in the future, the pros and cons etc etc..it will definatley be sooner rather than later, meaning of course the moving part of things. I have thought about how different it would be, and am prepared for the changes.
It's not that I wouldn't want him to move here because of his friends at home..I believe now that it is not wanting him to be without friends, because I understand that 100% of your time with your significant other gets quite overwhelming. And I suppose i am just wanting to make sure that he would be comfortable making new friend over here, thinking of it from his perspective..I would be very nervous about it but I'd be excited. And I think he feels the same.
Abd thank you so much for the advice on the list!! I will definatley use that (:
As for therapy, I am planning on making an appointment to give it another try. (:
I appreciate you both very much and can't tell you how thankful I am for the advice.

[specialmom]

Hi.  I agree with Annie.  Long distance relationships for such a long period are a bit unusual.  Unless you are quite young and finishing school, etc.  But basically-------- when it is 5 years of living in two different places---------- well, yes.  It is two seperate lives in a way.  And yes,  now it will be a sacrifice on either part to move closer to give up that life elsewhere.  But . . . that is exactly what I'd do.  I'd move there or him to you and I'd do it sooner rather than later.  Here is why-----------  actually living in the same place is a lot different than a long distance relationship.  Even---------- EVEN-------- if you have spent a good deal of time together in big chunks----------- it WILL be different.  You need to find out what that is like and make sure that all the dynamics work for the two of you living in the same area.  Because then he will have friends------------  and sometimes be off and with them even if you are around.  How will you feel about this?  But it would be unhealthy for you to spend 100% of your time together.  When you are long distance and spending your physical time together-------- you make each other your focus.  When you live in the same area--------  you share time together and apart even though you COULD be together all the time.  You'll both have friends and lives together and seperately and not just because distance seperates you.

It is true that if you have anxiety------------  no quick fix we give you here on the internet is going to work.  That is something to talk to your doctor about.  And treating that will help in many ways.

Other than that, I think you could write out something about your boyfriend.  A list of great qualities he has, a list of nice things he does for you, a page about how much you trust him and why------------ and when you feel the anxiety bubbling up and want to do that ever so annoying (and it really is!!) thing of grilling him yet again-----------  take a break from the conversation or whatever you are doing and go read your lists and notes on what a great guy he is.  It is redirecting your attention and giving you something to go do instead of ruminating or fixating on your fears/questions.  

good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, if you don't want to work on why, all the behavioral changes in the world are not going to stop your anxiety that causes you to ask them in the first place.  I'd still try therapy, in your shoes.  Sorry it didn't do much for you in the past, but the only way out of zero self esteem is to work on it, and if you find a good therapist, you can work on it effectively and address smaller things like the obsessive questioning too.  

I still think your relationship sounds rather unusual, like you don't want one that is closer.  I've never known a female who loves someone and yet doesn't want him to come be with her because he might miss his friends.  However, everyone has their own notion of an ideal relationship.  Maybe being apart is in fact a solution rather than a problem.  In any case, it doesn't sound like you can separate the asking-obsessive-questions issue from whatever it is that allows you to be satisfied with being apart for long periods of time.  An inconvenient part of distance is uncertainty.  

[hanalovebaby]

We get to see one another for long periods of time throughout the course of a year. We both care about one another very very much, and wouldn't think of ending the relationship even though it has been 5 years. He has told me that he wants to move to where I live soon, and Id love that but I'm afraid of him missing his friends, although again, he has re-assured me that he would much rather live near me etc etc..
I am not a big fan of therapy..one to many bad experiences sadly...
I just want to know how to stop being so redundant with questions..especially if they're annoying to me, and disappointing to him.
Would it be okay to ask them rarely? And not so often?

[AnnieBrooke]

If your relationship is long distance, it's no wonder that you don't feel reassured.  Why is it long distance?  Can't you work it so you are together?  If not, why is it OK with you both to have a long-distance relationship?  Being long-distance for 5 years just seems to me to be not really a normal relationship.  In your shoes, I'd consider working with a therapist on the self-esteem issues, and after a few sessions, also mention this long-distance-for-a-long-time thing being OK with you.