Im suicidal.my husband calls me bad names and says he doesn't love me. please help?

[girl198]

thank you for reading and answering

im 24,my husband is 30
together nearly 4 years, married less than a 1 year

whenever he gets angry,

he calls me bi tch, ****, ***** etc
says he does not love me
says he wants to divorce me
says he will do what he wants and does not care if im sad or happy

and he gets angry at least once a month. it was like this before marriage too.but i married him coz i loved him very much and everytime i tell him to be good he said he will be good.. he is very good and loving when not angry. what can i do? divorce is not an option as i live in an asian country... once you are married, you are married.
will counseling help? if so, how should i approach that subject with him? whats the best way? im very glad for any answers.. i want to know how i should talk with him about going to counseling....
thank you

[mami1323]

What worries me the most about your post is the subject line that you are suicidal. I think if you are this unhappy than there needs to be more to this relationship than him calling you names once a month when he gets angry. I fight with my fiance more than that. Not that its ok but we've been known to name call each other sometimes. I think it will be hard to convince your husband to seek counseling. Men don't usually like to go but will if they feel that they will lose their relationship. If you can't even divorce then it makes it that much more difficult to get him to want to go. He has to see that there is a real problem in this marriage.

[drh_90]

leave him. thats all i have to say. if he hasnt already starting hitting u he will. his verbal abuse wont stop. try conceling but i dint feel it will work unless he admits he has a problem. i was in a situation like this almost 2 years ago and it still affects to this day. dont make the same mistake i did and stay with a man like that. little name calling turned into violence and he almost killed me. be strong and take care of urself

[teko]

Give him his freedom and take your life back. I am surprised you are still there. This is not love or even kindness or even compassion.

[jo929]

get some help for your mental problems and remember suicide is not the ans and you really need to get away from him as teko said  luck  jo

[specialmom]

Well, culterally you live in a different world than those of us in the US.  This makes your options much less than we have here.  If you don't believe you can leave------  here are some suggestions.

1-----  some people (men and women) never learned how to handle frustration and anger and the way the handle it is not healthy.  They lash out.  (this does not always mean they will become violent . . . as a therapist, I dealt with many couples that just had the verbal abuse situation that never escalated into physical violence-------  if it ever should, you MUST leave no matter where you live or what the culture tells you).  Anyway, when things are going well, I think if you have some open and posative communication with him----  you can ask him about this.  You can talk to him about how he could handle his anger.  He could tell you as he is escalating that he is doing so and the conversation ends and you two stop speaking and take a break/breather.  He can then calm himself.  You must be respectful at this time and not try to talk to him.  We call it the "walk and don't talk" strategy.  What often happens is when someone with a temper is escalating, the other person keeps talking to them and continuing it------  then it all really blows up.  So try this to de--- escalate the situation.  
If HE isn't willing to do this, then you need to start reading his signs that it is heading in this direction.  Most people do start to show signs they are ramping up with anger.  If you see the sign, you could calmly excuse yourself to give him that time to cool off.  You could calmly say, let's take a break for a second.  You'll need to back off sometimes.  
I do think that counseling would help you and your husband.  If you can ask him in a way to not make him defensive (unless he admits to the problem)----  he could go for that.  You could tell him that you want the strongest and best and happiest marriage ever and a counselor will help you get there.  I think it is worth a try.  
--As far as your own mental health, do not let that go.  If you are indeed suicidal----  please talk to a mental health professional or even your family doctor.  If you are depressed, there are medications that can really help.  Make sure you do not neglect yourself with that.  Also, do you have a supportive group around you like family and friends?  That is important too.  Talking to people who love you and understand is very important.  
---  If your relationship becomes physically abusive and more volatile than it is now---- do you have any options at all?  What do other women in your geography and culture do in that case?  
----  Wishing you luck.  

[girl198]

thank you for the reply. he is MY choice.i decided to marry him. its not an arranged marriage. so i cant go and tell to my family or friends what pain im going through.......
im really stuck.. i love him but i cant take this anymore... im always sad and afraid because i dont know when he will start to verbally abuse me.

when he is good, he tells me he will not do it again and he knows how sad i become. but when he is angry, it seems like he cant control his urge to call me bad names.

when he is angry and tells me i dont love you i want to leave i hate you and uses bad names it makes me so sad and hurt and i cry a lot i cant even eat. and then, for weeks, those things he tell runs through my head. its like a film. it keeps repeating in my head.
so i stay sad for weeks. and when im sad, i dont feel like having sex with him. how do i explain that to him?

[specialmom]

I realize that it is terrible when he does that . . . my post was about suggestions on how it can perhaps not get to that point.  The suggestions that I made still stand for you to try to help the situation.  You are stuck, in your words, as you say you can't leave.  That does not mean you are stuck being unhappy in your marriage.  Please read the suggestions again and think if any of it is possible.  

We can all vent and complain about our situation----  but taking steps to change things in some way can actually help in the long run.  It at least keeps our hope alive until you decide that you can indeed leave.  

The problem with words-----  and trust me,  many couples have  huge fights in which words are their weapons-----  is that we think about them and let them fester.  I do know that people say things from the top of their heads when they are angry that they feel at that second but do not feel otherwise.  Not an excuse, but it is honestly true.  

So you have to decide if you can't leave what you are going to do.  Be miserable or be proactive.  I also really encourage you again, to go and seek medical help for any depression you may be suffering.  That will only make problems in your marriage feel worse and hopeless if left untreated.  And if you can't talk to friends and family (boy is your culture different than ours-----  we have special girlfriends that we let it all loose with with no regrets . . .)-----  then I would seek a therapist for yourself to vent to and perhaps get some constructive help to your personal situation.  You can complain for sure, but to change things, you must be willing to change some things yourself.  

So please take a more proactive approach to this problem and see where you get.  And just begging him to be "good" is not what I am refering to.  Good luck and I hope you find a way to happiness.  

[girl198]

im going for counseling on thursday. alone. yes i will try what you said the next time he does this to me.

how do i explain that i dont want to have sex when im feeling unloved?

thank you for your answer

[megochick101]

can't you just tell him honestly, you don't feel appreciated or loved and are not in the mood for sex?

[specialmom]

I think that I would approach the whole situation when things are going really well.  THAT is when you talk about his issues of using his words inappropriately when he is mad.  When it is the heat of the moment-----  it won't work.  That is when you read his signals and don't let things escalate.  So you ask him to also read HIS OWN signals (when he everything is good) and do what is necessary to not escalate.

As far as things already said-----  you can tell him that while you are forgiving him----  it is taking you a while to get over it.  Sex is a really good indicator of how a relationship is going.  I am also thinking you may have some depression and low sex drive is a symptom of depression.  Whichever it is, I think I would talk to your husband and try to have him understand how you feel.  You can do this while still telling him you are committed to your relationship.

And GOOD for you----  a therapist will help you so much!  They will have good advice for you as they may understand certain culteral things that I don't.  So I wish you the best of luck.  Marriage is very hard work.  No person is perfect and if you look at it like we are all evolving----  there IS hope for your husband to evolve.  He just has to want to which it sounds like he is open to but doesn't know how.  But I would be very hopeful that things will get better.  Good luck.

[Judy246]

Reading your post makes me sad to think that women around the world feel that they do not have either choice or the freedom to live with someone who is verbally or physically abusive, because of customs, culture or just fears. Also, suicide is never an option. Life is precious and a gift from God. It is not our right to take and someone who attempts or consideres suicides means that they do not have the proper copeing skills necessary to what is a temporary situation and I say temporary, because this too shall pass, but life must be appreciated, respected and considered sacred.

Divorce IS your option, because you are being treated with disrespect, verbally and emotionally abusive and it's obvious this man does no longer loves you and there is no man in this entire universe that is worth your emotionally stability or precious life. Man is imperfect and life is too precious to consider destroying for somone who is not worth a dime.

If he want out of the marriage, tell him to file for a divorce, so that it will be more acceptable. I don't think marriage counseling is going to help, because he stated that he doesn't love you. You are still very young and please do not have that mentality that once you are married your married, because if you both stay in a dysfunctional marriage due to cultural customs and feeling obligated to stay in a potentially dangerous situation is just wrong and unexceptable. Please talk with your parents, family and it is your responsibility to tell them that you are in an abusive relationship with a man who not only no longer loves you, but wants a divorce. Right now you need to be with your family and good friends that will support you throught the process of getting you out of there first and then taking the proper step to get a divorce. I do recommend counseling for you for the traumatic effect that marriage has left you and yes, you do have options, and you will find inner strength to no tolerate being verbally abuse and seek help from family and good friends to get you out of that house and help you get out of this distructive marriage. Good Luck, Judy and stand up for yourself and be strong.

[Judy246]

p.s....love should hurt and this is not love, but abuse.

[specialmom]

I just wanted to say this------  while it is NOT a good thing, many men/woman do lash out with their words when angry it is not always emotional/verbal abuse.  Many men/women  have not matured in their way of expressing anger and frustration.  They do what kids do-----  say the first thing that comes into their heads.  People like that CAN be taught skills to change this if they so desire.  

As a therapist, I wouldn't tell a couple to split when this happens until after attempts to change the behavior had occured.  Because many couples can overcome this (it is actually pretty common).  That is in the US in which divorce is rampant.  I'd rather see a couple try to resolve an issue as impulse control can sometimes be taught.  If attempts to fix it are unsuccessful, then seperating may be the only answer.  

Depression can be playing a role here.  That is a chemical imbalance that while our circumstances play a role, the imbalance is there.  Suicide is almost always related to clinical depression and this imbalance or otherwise, we'd all be at risk of killing ourselves every day when we encounter stress.  

All this, of course, is just my opinion.  And it relates to marriage and NOT dating.  If you are dating------  then you shouldn't choose a guy with immature skills-----  but if you decided to marry----  then try to fix it.  If you can't, then go your seperate ways.

[mami1323]

I am guilty of name calling when I am mad.  I can actually become quite abusive with my words.  I need to work on it as well, but I agree, it is fixable as long as the husband acknowledges it as a problem.  If he doesn't than there is no other real choice than to either leave him or fix how you react during arguments.

[specialmom]

mami1323----  LOTS of people do this.  Don't feel like you are bad or alone.  It is one of those things that can be a habit.  I always think if someone looks for signs that they are escalating and acknowlege internally that they don't want to----  they can control it.  That means as you feel your blood start to boil, tell your fiance that you need to take a break to cool off.  Then go off and do something to calm down.  I write out what I'm feeling sometimes and then throw it away.  I go outside for a fast paced walk or jog (yeah right, walk).  As you have your little boy ----  you may need to just do something in your home for a minute by yourself to cool down.  And then you can approach the issue later calmly.

I think looking for that pause between anger and reacting is what you have to look for.  Slow the whole thing down and think about that pause.  

Lastly, as motivation-----  if your fiance is being an #1 jerk and in the wrong, as soon as you yell or say something super mean-----  you've trumped him in bad behavior.  That is motivation for me----  because if I am upset about something, I don't want any opportunity to turn it around on me.  

Okay, I'll stop talking about this . . .

[girl198]

hi, is there any books he can read by which he will understand what he is doing and will help him to control?
and is there any books for me to read?

thank you very much for your kindness

[girl198]

none? :(

[specialmom]

Oh, I'm sorry----  I didn't see that you posted this question.  I'm glad you asked again so it popped up top.  I will think about this and message you with some ideas of books.  I hope it is going okay----  I will message you.  (it has been the Christmas holiday with lots of events the past few days . . .  I've been so preoccupied.)

[girl198]

i told his relatives about this(1st made them promise not to tell him or talk with him about it) they 1st refused to accept he is this way. then i made them see the texts/emails he sends me when i am at work. then only they accepted. they are very surprisesd.

i went to counseling and got the same advice you gave me.

[jo929]

Your husband says he will divorce you, yet you say in your country divorce is not acceptable, is ther no law that protects women from theses kind of situations also what can a counselor do ecept tell you to take it, if they do not believe in divorce, what would your husband do if you started in on him when he starts in on you  in other words can you stand up for yourself, he will keep doing this as long as you let him   luck  jo

[specialmom]

I just wanted to commend this young lady for taking the steps she has thus far to improve her life.  Seeing a therapist and talking to family is a good first step.  You are doing the right thing by acting on your concerns and trying to solve the problem.  I wish you only success in this process.  If your husband is willing to change, he most likely can.  Is there any way that he would also see a therapist?  

[girl198]

he does not want to go to a therapist :(

[Judy246]

Please do not permit anyone to ever treat you less than you deserve to be treated. If he doesn't want to go to therapist, start making a plan to get out of this abusive marriage. Talk with your family and good friends on leaving this man who is not only abusive, but will neither seek counseling and will only continue to abuse you. Love should not hurt....this is not love, but abuse. Please get out as soon as possible, because it will be a matter of time that it will change from verbal to physical abuse.

[specialmom]

Do you want to stay married to this man and work on the problems or find a way to leave?  Many are suggesting that you just leave him.  If you have love for him and want to work on this relationship, it can be helped (as long as he is willing) but if you no longer want to be in the marriage but can't think of a way out-----  that is a different matter.  So I just wanted YOU to clarify.    

I think that this marriage and depression have left you very vulnerable and that is why I would not tell you to leave or stay.  I think you are taking steps to figure out what your boundaries are.  No therapist just tells an abused woman to stay (even in your country)-----  but if a woman desires her relationship----  a therapist first problem solves on that basis.  Marriages can be saved------  I've personally seen it many times.

Are you afraid of your husband?  That is a very serious question.  It would give me a better idea of the intensity level here.  So think about your answer first.  (and again, I'm always on YOUR side!)