I'm tired of feeling depressed

[ceina1417]

I've been depressed for a long time, ever since i was 12, but it wasn't that bad. I've always been lonely, i have a problem, fear of talking to people, I'm extremely shy, i find it hard to say no, I'm tooo nice and way to naive, and find it hard to meet people, i'm guessing because my mother wouldn't let me socializing with people, i wasn't allowed out, or to have friends. i had a few people in my life, but not so much. I'm afraid to talk to guys. Never dated a guy, because I'm afraid to, but i have a sexual relationships with guys, it just wasn't anything emotional. i just don't know why. i never had a good relationship with my mother and grandmother we always fought, my mother often accused me of having relationships with my father, and that hurt so much, like a knife, and i hated her for it. And when i was like in grade five i had a crush on this boy, my cousin and i had a 3 way conversation with him, and my grandmother was on the other line, and after wards accused me of have sex, told my mother, and they both did awful things to me, like hurt my private parts.

Anyways 5 years i ago, i met this girl, didn't like her at first, but later we started to become really close, and eventually became best friends, i thought she understood me, when no one else did, and i started coming out of my shell a little bit. I was extremely innocent then too, early into our friendship she had invited me to come over her place, it was the 1st time anyone had invited me over, so i went, we had fun played some games, and  watched TV, and then all of a sudden she turns of the lights, i felt uncomfortable, but i was like whatever, next thing i know she was trying to feel me up, i panicked got scared and left. Later on that day, she messenged me on msn, told me she was sorry, she had never meant to scare me, hoped i wouldn't judge her, and that we'd remain friends, and she'd never do that again. and of course i told  her it was ok, its not my place to judge anyone, and i accepted her either way. She lied, and she became persistent, each time i got to know her, the 1st time i slept over her house was when it all started, she forced me to make out with her, and so i did, from that day, i became very curious.

Our relationship was weird, I often feel guilty for doing the things i did with her, she took my virginity, that was at the age of 18 and i'm 21 now, she got me to sleep with other guys as well, and i began drinking, and smoking, and etc...I was stupid, and too afraid to say no. i guess i was afraid of not being liked, and it just felt like she had this control over me. 2 years ago she started treating me really badly, one day she threatened to kill me held a knife towards me, for no reason. started manipulating my feelings, got me to do things, pretended to care for me, used me....it just got so bad that i started to defend myself, and i cut her out of my life now, its the 2nd time, 1st time she told me when i left her, i hurt her emotionally, she was nice to me for a month then she started treating me horribly. (so much things she did to break me, but I'm not gonna get into ever little detail) the emotional abuse was so bad, i hit my breaking point, became so super depressed, i started cutting myself, i was suicidal, and just hated myself, worst feeling in the world. I had to see the psychiatrist, I cut her out of my life now, its been a couple of months now.

But why is it i still feel depressed, i often wanna send her a letter, expressing all my anger frustration and hate for her, but then i think why bother and give her the satisfaction to let her know she still has a hold over me. I hate myself, and I'm really disgusted with myself. I don't laugh anymore, I'm bitter, always so angry, i cry alll the time and I don't trust anyone, I'm afraid to go outside, I'm always indoors, i don't feel like communication with anyone, I've met some great people so far, but i just don't let them into my heart. I'm so depressed I've become an emotional eater, I've put on a lot of weight, and i have a lack of interest in doing anything at all, i wanna job to get my mind of things, but like i said before, its a struggle for me to outside, I really want some help, my therapist isn't working for me either, what do i do, i wanna get my life back on track?

[megochick101]

First of all, I definitely think that your grandmother and mother are the ones with the problems and unfortunately made you feel the way you do and they need major therapy. As to writing a letter to your family, i wouldn't advise it. What you could do is to start a journal and write a mock letter to your mom and grandma getting all your feelings out in the open and then don't send it, it may help just to get it all out of your head.

Secondly, i think it's great that you are in therapy, however if you are uncomfortable with your therapist or feel they are not helping you in the way you need, you need to seek out a new therapist one who you are completely comfortable. I may even go so far as to seek out a male therapist with the bad history you have with the supposed female role models in your life.

Just get all your feelings on everything out in your journal, getting everything out in the open can only help you, and when you find a therapist you can trust you can share this with him/her and then they can really help you especially since I myself find it easier to write down my feelings than just straight up telling someone how i'm feeling.

[Lucey12]

I agree with Judy. If not that therapist a different one but you need that other person in your life who can help you through better than anyone here. We can only support you. All the best.

[Judy246]

I  read your post and was very disturbed by all the problems you are dealing with at a very early age. I can only recommend that you continue with your therapist who is a trainned professonal to deal with all the past and present issues you have in your life. He/she will help you talk your problems and get your life back on track.