Impotence and annoying girl

[pinkroses]

Hi there,
Me and my fiance have been together almost 5years and for 4years hes been at university studying a masters degree. Its always been hard everytime he goes back to university, which is 200miles away. But this year he was placed in a hall that has 4 other girls there, and well I was abit jealous at first, but wasnt that bothered as it wasnt his fault.
Anyway there is a spanish girl that always seems very friendly with him and in a message to him at christmas she said she missed him, which annoyed me. Then when he came back the other weekend i was making him some tea and went over to him as he was on his comp and went to look what he was doing and she was chatting to him on msn, and it hurt.
well that next week i was at work alday and he sent me a text message saying he'd just been to th cinema and I asked what he saw and who with, and he said the spanish girl. and now this weekend he went on a day trip with the spanish girls and her friends, which really hurts.
I dont know if Im being silly and hurting too much or what.
I do know that hes always had female friends and I tend to get jealous of all of them, including a school friend he'd been friends with for years.
I do know hes not doing anything with this girl, and she has a boyfriend, but I dont know how to control my hurt feelings and how to make him see how much I hate it. whenever i try to tell him he says im being silly and childish.
I love him so much and I know he loves me, but I feel like these spanish girls have gone to his head too much and thinks more of them than me. hes coming home for valentines day to see me. and he did cut his hair like patrick dempsey for me as a surprise as he knows how much i fancy him.
My parents are annoyed with him, but say hes not upto anything (and I really dont think he is either) but it all just hurts too much.
And i ask him why hes not so cheerful with me and he says its because im moody all the time, but i wouldnt be moody if he wasnt acting this way.

he came back this weekend for valetines day and bought me pink and red roses which he knows i love. on friday night i asked him whats wrong because hes been quiet lately and he said 'there was nothing wrong' he then told me that hes been unable to masterbate and that he is aroused but cant keep an erection  long enough and that he cant climax
hes going to the doctor at university about it tomorrow, but Im just wondering if this is why hes been acting so odd lately.
We did make love and he did climax, but the second night it was harder for him and he was actually soft when he climaxed.
Also another thing is he keeps starting at the ceiling and into space alot, i ask him whats wrong and he says nothing, then says hes thinking about work or what work hes got to do (hes studying a masters in aeronautical engineering).
I asked him if i was losing him and he said no and i asked him if he loves me and still finds me attractive and he says yes.
And when he went to work downstairs in his house the other morning when i was still in bed he gave my forehead a tender kiss.
But then today he hasnt said much to me (hes back at uni 200miles away) and i phoned him and he said he was going to play snooker with his friend.
I just really dont know whats going on.
we're going on holiday with his parents to france in july and hes taking me to paris.

sorry i know its  a long one, but im so stressed out and really dont understand anymore. i love him so much. and when he left my house the other night i told him not to hurt me or make me phone him crying and he said he wouldnt and he looked really sad, in his eyes, they didnt look the same.
i start to think hes depressed.
anyway if anyone could help id love it if you could
XxX

[yellowumbrella]

In order for you to productively get through your jealousy, you really need to stop making little comments such as "please dont hurt me." Even though you feel the need to say it, it isn't something to say just here and there. Those things hurt him, because he feels guilty rather or not he really is doing something wrong. That guilt creates an unhealthy relationship. You should really evaluate how much you trust him, and be honest with yourself. Then have ONE deep conversation with him about how uncomfortable you feel about his friend. Make it more about her actions than his to avoid accusations. Then believe him when he tells you that you are his number one and his only. Keep it to yourself or confide in a friend after that conversation, and I promise it will slowly fade. But right now you are acting on that jealousy. You can't hide how you feel, but you can choose to channel your feelings into a more constructive outlet. Find a best friend to lean on. The sexual problems may have occured because he is worried about this situation and that he feels guilty. Show him trust, and he will be trustworthy.

[BabyHardiman]

I understand how difficult this is for you.  It is probably just as difficult, if not more, for him to be away from you.  There will always be some sort of temptation in life... you can't safe guard yourself from all of it, it is impossible.  While jealousy can be a perfectly healthy emotion, it can also be very distructive.  You need to appreciate what you have, and work on building trust for your boyfriend back into your life.

Can I ask if maybe you do things to make him jealous?  It seems he is being straight forward with you by telling you about his trips, and outings with this girl.  He has shown you messages from her as well as let you see that he was chatting on MSN with her.  People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.  It seems to me that he is not trying to hide anything from you.... or am I mistaken?

[Jaybay]

I hate to say it, but you sound like a very insecure woman.  You are constantly looking for reasons to be jealous and upset.  That puts a whole lot of pressure on your fiance.  He's been open with you and hasn't tried to hide a thing, so why all the jealousy?  You really need to get your emotional side sorted out before you marry.  In my opinion, your attitude sounds like a prescription for disaster.  

Not many people can maintain a long-distance relationship, and now you know why.  You both have separate lives that can't be merged due to distance and circumstances.  I'm not saying this relationship is doomed to failure, only that it needs some work.  That work may not be able to take place until you are both together.  Your boyfriend is living his life away from you and doing normal activities.  What do you do besides sit home a wonder what he's up to?  Do you go to school yourself?  Have a job?  Have other friends to keep you busy?  It's time to focus on your own life for a while.

[pinkroses]

hi thanx for all the advice, I know he has nothing to hide,its just i get upset incase he has more fun with other women.
i have a full time job as a concession manager so i should be busy with that, except when i go home at night im lonely i suppose.
my doctors has recenty changed the manufacturer of my antidepressant tablets and i think that is why I am acting this way.
My fiance  has until may left at university, then he will have finished and we'll be looking for a place together. we're very close when hes home.
He went to the doctor today and was just told we should concentrate on foreplay more, so we will be doing that when hes back for easter and i was thinking of maybe treating him to his favourite meal and a massage, to show him i care and love him.

[pinkroses]

oh can i add, that i feel i have to say something such as 'dont hurt me' or 'you're not cheating are you?" because i feel like if i dont say it and im all relaxed and happy, that something bad will happen, i have explained that i feel the need to ask even though i know hes not.
anyway i just thought id add that.
I think its OCD or something.

[pinkroses]

he cheated!!!dumped me.

[Jaybay]

Well sh*t.  I'm sorry to hear that, but it's better that it happened sooner than later.  Maybe this particular relationship really was doomed to fail due to distance.  Who knows?  Give yourself some time to heal.  So he turned out to be a jerk.  So what?  It's a rare person in this life who never gets hurt in a relationship.  The good thing is that you discovered this before you got married.  Yeah, I know - easy for me to say, but I've been there plenty of times and I know it sux.  Lick your wounds and move on with your life.  After all, what choice is there?

[Cosmogal]

I think women have great instincts and I think you felt this from the beginning and you let your heart do the thinking and not your head. When I read your post and about him going off into space, I knew it! He was a coward and couldn't tell you face to face. You deserve much better than that. I can't believe he wouldn't tell you and go ahead and sleep with you anyway. Please don't take that personal. There is someone out there more worthy of you.
Best of Luck!
Paula

[pinkroses]

I really did wish id trusted my instincts and just not done anything with him.he also dumped me by a text message which was bad. half an hour after telling me he was gonna call me and he said love you when we were saying bye to eachother :(
Its really not nice and i hurt.
plus i just looked on facebook and hes been playn a vampire slayer thing with one of the spanish girls and when i tried to play it with him before he declined me, said it was silly!!!

[mami1323]

What an a-hole.  Better to know now.  Unfortunately, it doesn't make the hurt less painful.  You will get through this though.  Time heals all wounds.  Be strong and don't let his pathetic words of I love convince you that he is a good guy.  He was engaged to you and cheated on you.  If that's not a stab in the back then I don't know what is. Good luck and now live life to the fullest.

[Cosmogal]

Remember there is a plan for you. Because somewhere out there is a man who is waiting for you two to meet and begin a journey that is yet to come. A man who is worthy of your faithfullness. Do not let one man ruin what you think of other men. You were the one who stayed true. The other woman or women he shall meet will only become a victim of his selfishness and unfaithfullness. He obviously has little or no empathy for others, especially to those he claims he loves. Consider yourself lucky and move on to greener pastures. Plus you can keep your engagement ring if you have one yet cause he was the one who broke it off. Best of luck to you!

[pinkroses]

i kinda threw my engament ring out of the window the second he sent me the text messaging saying he didnt think he loved me anymore and had cheated, so im not sure where it is.
today iv been having panic attacks, id watch tv and there would be dates such as july 2005 and id think god we were happy then and stuff like that, i had it so bad i shook for a few hours. i even dreamt of me and him having sex lastnight, and i wokeup feeeling like i needed him and missed him :(

[Cosmogal]

That is normal. In a few weeks you won't feel like that anymore. Go out and have fun. Meet new people and just go about your life. It shouldn't stop because he cheated on you. You need to have a life. He probably hopes that you are pining for him and missing him because that would be great for his ego. He is a jerk who broke your trust. He doesn't deserve another thought. You will heal faster if you go out and have fun. Thank God he did it now and not when you are married. He is nothing but pond scum for the terrible way he did you. I wish you all the best. I am truly sorry that your heart is breaking. Take care.

[pinkroses]

today im feeling really really annoyed and angry at him. i really really hate him for what hes done, hes dirty.

[mami1323]

You're going to go through so many emotions.  You're going to dream about and wake up angry or wake up sad.  It's soooo normal.  One day you will wake up and he won't even be a thought.  You will realize, hey I haven't thought about him in awhile.  You will soon find yourself completely over him and ready to get out there and have fun.  It's just going to take some time.  Hang in there and everytime you start missing him, think about the messed up things he has done to you and how he's hurt you.  You will quickly go from sad to angry.  Anger is a lot better than sad.  

[pinkroses]

yeah i like the anger, i get to curse and stuff,lol.
i still hate that hes put me through this though, i never thought he could be so heartless and nasty. a text message to be told by that he doesnt love you anymore and that hes cheated and now turning his phone off, to give me time to think, is so weird.

[mami1323]

Yeah, that definitely is cowardly.  You know what, what's really left to say after all of that.  Maybe it's better to not talk to him just because it's not going to change anything.  He did a f-ed up thing to you and after being together so long it really should never of been done.  I think we just have to talk just for closure.  What's going to get him thinking more if you don't try to get a hold of him.  He probably expects you to be crying over him and calling him all the time.  Just don't, then he'll be the one thinking of why you haven't tried to call him.  Let him sweat it out.

[pinkroses]

yeah i never contacted him once after that text, which im really proud of :D
do you think he probably thinks and realizes hes made a mistake and hurts? or do you think he probably doesnt care?
half an hour before he sent me that text we were on the phone and he said "bye bye, love you. love you, bye...." like he usually did, then text that.
probably guilt got the better of him i think.
i really was a wonderful fiance to him for so long though, i was really good. people use to say i was too good, but i use to argue i wasnt,lol, silly me.

[mami1323]

It's so hard to say what he is thinking.  I'm sure that he's thinking of you regardless.  Men seem to have an easier time moving on but it doesn't mean they don't think of us or regret their decisions.  I found that the less you are in contact with them, the more it bothers them.  Also, men tend to have regrets when they realize that the girl they left you for is not what they thought.  They always think the grass is greener but the reason why they feel that way is because it's new to them.  Once it's not so new anymore, that euphoric feeling wears off and they realize that they made a huge mistake.  That new girl could never be you and he will miss all the things you used to do.  I'll tell you a story about me.  I dated this guy and fell for him right away.  He was everything to me.  He made me laugh like no one else had, he was attentive and loving and willing to spend time with me.  It felt like we had something good, except he had this girl in his life that he swore was just a good friend.  His best friend, however, they had dated before.  I knew there was more to this than just friendship.  She wanted to be with him because she could tell he was falling for me too.  One day he broke up with me and his reason was, he wasn't ready for a relationship, but I knew better I told him that I believed he was with this girl.  Well my intuitions were right, he decided to get back with her.  I never called him again.  I was soooo hurt, all I did was dream about him.  I would wake up crying and then I would be angry at myself for getting sad.  He didn't deserve any of my tears.  I never let him know how much he hurt me.  A couple of months later, I get a call from him.  His mother was dying and he needed to talk to me.  Basically, he realized he had made a huge mistake.  This girl just wanted the challenge, she cheated on him a couple weeks in.  He knew he had a good thing with me but he was just very confused.  Long story short, we're engaged and we have a son.  He doesn't speak to that a-hole anymore and we're happy.  I'm not saying that this is how it will be with you and him and I'm not saying you should forgive him.  My point for my story is that the entire time, I had thought that he moved on but in reality he was thinking about me and regretting his decision every minute.  He got lucky that I was willing to take him back.  Your ex will eventually see how he screwed up but it's really up to you if you want to give him another shot.  Move on with your life and don't sit there pining away for him.  You will be fine.  Stay strong!!!

[mayflowers]

Mami has given you great advice.  

I would recommend that you find that engagement ring if at all possible.  Take the diamond and have it re-set into a pendant.  Or you could sell it.

Good luck with everything.  You'll be ok and someday you'll find someone better than this guy.  Trust me on this one.

[pinkroses]

i know you're all right and i know one day soon i'll look back on this and think of how much stronger the experience will have made me. and teach me where i went wrong in the past.
i put him on a pedal stool and treated him like the centre of my universe all the time, like a god and i know i shouldnt have, that maybe i should have been a little more independent (even though i was really, as i have my job and life down here).
i sort of wish he'd come back, but dont know what id do. im still a little confused, my feelings are knotted up still.

[mami1323]

It's totally normal to feel that way.  It just happened...it's not like it's been a long time.  Give yourself time.  And yes, it is a learning experience.  All relationships are...and that is something that's very important in life.  Learning lessons, you learned to be more independent in a relationship.  Don't put your all into it unless you are getting it in return.  Do not beat yourself up about it because it's not your fault that the relationship ended.  Don't ever blame yourself for his selfish actions.  You gave him the world, he just didn't know how to treasure it.  Someone else will so don't you worry about that.  

[pinkroses]

Im scared that im going to have very high expectations for my next man.
My ex was very intelligent and handsome and im scared that Im going to compare everyone to him, in that way.
I do always seem to go for clever men though, I dont why they have me though, its sort of like Pinky and the Brain ,hehe.
I have decided Im going to start doing more things for myself though, like doing a college course in september and actually learning to drive.
Im just scared il never love someone that much again.
Im also scared he'll find someone before i do, as he doesnt deserve to be happy now, thats how i feel.

[mami1323]

Your expectations should be high.  Don't settle for anyone.  If you allow yourself to be completely over your ex before you move on the next man, then you won't compare.  You will love again, trust me.  I loved my first boyfriend more than anything in the world.  I was with him for 6 years when he dumped me for a girl he was working with.  I thought I would never get over him.  Well guess what, I did.  I fell in love again and that didn't work and I fell in love again after that.  We have many loves in a lifetime.  Each relationship different from the next.  Looking back, I can't even imagine what I loved so much about my first.  He wasn't as good looking or funny as my fiance now.  You move on and get better.  Don't even worry about that right now.  Just focus on healing your broken heart.  Especially don't think about him moving on before you.  Most likely he will settle for some girl but she will never be you.  Once you've moved on, you won't even care that he's with someone else.  It gets easier day by day.  Hang in there.