Boyfriend unsure of marriage, me.

[rosebud87]

Hi.
this is my first post here, I don't have anyone to truly confide in in my "real life" so- here it goes.

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I'm 25, he is 28. we met through mutual friends. my sister actually told me about him years prior to us meeting and said "you should meet. you will like him" and I simply said "no. i dont want to meet anyone". well, when we finally did meet, I could see why she said that :)  he lives in the next city from me (20 mins away) and it also turned out he lived just 1 block away from my best friend, who i spent much time at her home, and that they were in 2nd grade together. funny how that is.

cutting to the chase, last night we had a conversation about our future and it wasn't too pretty. he's basically unsure of it ALL, me included.

he says he can't even think about marriage bc it's "so far away from now" that he doesnt even want to think about it. sees no reason to. when I talk about being married, I mean in the next 3 years. well atleast being engaged in 2-3 years. for him, its his mid 30s.
he does well financially, but is still in his father's house as he saves money to buy a property. so he usually says, "how do you expect me to think about marriage when i'm living here still".

i honestly dont blame him for feeling the way he does and it's not like i've never heard this from him before. anytime we discuss these things, its always the same.

the part for me that hurt the most was him being unsure of me. right now i'm not working and it's been quite awhile. i'm trying to get my life together, but he says he does not see me trying or any improvements. he called me irresponsible. i think thats unfair of a word. i don't have debt up to my eyeballs that i am neglecting, anyone to care for, etc. i've built a website that is starting to create income and i am working on growing it and building it.

he also thinks i want to be married, have my husband take care of me, and never work. that is half true. i do want a husband to be a provider for me, but i still do have goals and vision and i'm working on creating the life i want for myself- but he doesnt believe it. he thinks i am "too old school, its 2013". i never said i wanted to just stay at home and be taken care of.  of course i would like my husband to take care of things, but i need my own money and life too. again, he doesnt believe it.

he also made a reference to my mom which i didn't like, saying "i dont want to be your dad. i see you going in the same direction as your mom". my dad does carry a heavy burden right now- he pretty much does it all. my mom had a tough last 10 years with a few mental breakdowns in the mix. BUT, all my life, allll my life, she pulled her weight. she was an RN working 12hr overnight shifts while raising 5 children. he knows that. i guess it doesnt count though.

my mom didnt start out like me. at 25 she was an RN, married, with 2 kids. did my dad think 30 years later this is how she would be? no.

thats what my boyfriend doesnt understand. things can change so drastically. i could have my life together right now so perfectly and he'd be thrilled, to have it fall apart down the road. i can have my life a bit messy right now, to have it all come together perfectly in the next few years.


you're probably thinking- why are you even together? so many reasons. he really is my best friend. i know he really does love me and wants to see me do amazing things. he is a huge supporter. not only that, we just click. we have since our first date.

leaving the relationship behind makes me sad. i know it hurts him tremendously, also. we almost broke up once before after a convo like that and i've never seen him so distraught. i always envisioned a life together, but i know i can't settle or wait or be with someone who is unsure of me. we're going in different directions.



I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just someone to say "i've been in your shoes". actually, any words will do... :)

thank you.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi and welcome. The things he said to you wernt very nice and you should be insulted by his attitude. Who is he to judge you and put you down, Stick up for yourself. Never let anyone put you down for the security of a relationship. He all most got your convinced that you are a failure.
What has he done lately to change the world----nothing!!!!!
Just be friends with him if you want but forget him being your husband. Sounds like a cheap skate!

[RockRose]

I completely agree with the others,  but I have a concern about him,  too.

At 28 he's not really a go-getter at all either.  He's not capable,  IMHO,  of being the rock you are looking for.  He's living at his dad's house so he can save money.

???

He's not looking to support a woman and children because he's kind of not up to all that.

[rosebud87]

thank you so much for your insight! I do appreciate it. I know you're not trying to be mean about things. in the past I have let fear/anxiety take over my life...not good. so right now I am trying to "catch up" on all the lost time.

after HS, I went to acting school and was involved in that industry for years. to answer your question, my website right now is generating the income equivalent to a part-time job. just working on increasing it and building it up.

I agree with what you say. I'm also most likely getting a real estate license because that's something I'm interested in.

Thank you again.

[rosebud87]

Thank you for your words! it's what I know but needed to hear from others. I know we will most likely break up at some point.

[specialmom]

Hello and welcome.  Well, he is being completely honest with you.  You need to hear what he is saying.  You aren't a good match because this may end up always being an issue between you.  You have a bit of 'low energy' and 'low ambition'.  I'm not knocking you, we are all different.  Some people went straight after high school to pursue college or serious job training and then launched into their career.  I encourage all young women to do that here because it is the best way to financial independence.  And financial independence is so important for a young woman.  Who supports you?  Your parents?  But I've found that some don't take that route due to who they are, circumstances that happen, low ambition, etc.  Everyone has to live their life the way they want.  He sees this characteristic in you and it doesn't match what he thinks he wants.

Now, I'll tell you, I was one of the people that I speak of that went to college and was ambitious with career.  Met my husband when I was in my early 30's.  ^I^ am traditional and knew that when we had kids I would not work full time. Ended up leaving my career entirely to raise our children.  It has been worth the financial sacrifice for me and my husband is supportive.   He has the pressure of being our breadwinner.  But here is the thing, I have the quality he initially was looking for.  Work ethic.  I'm not saying you don't have that but you describe being off work a while and that he sees you like your mom who needs a lot of help.

Here is my VERY best advice.  Make the relationship absolutely secondary for now.  Push yourself to get a plan together ----  not for him but for YOU.  You need a job and that may take some job training or school to get.  Do it so you aren't dependent on anyone (parents or a man) to live.  Throw yourself into you.  

It may never work out with this man.  But you need to take care of you.  good luck

[remar]

You have a few choices. You can stay and see how things go in the future. You can push him to make some kind of commitment, which most likely won't be a good idea right now. Or, you can leave. Maybe in the future once your business takes off and he saves enough money for a home he may feel more secure and be ready to settle down. Or, he may stick to his guns and wait until his mid 30's to get married. It's up to you to decide what you want. Marriage in the near future with someone else or to wait several years and maybe marry him.