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Innapropriate father/ daughter relationship?
I have been dating a guy for three months now. He is going through a divorce and has temporary primary custody of his 2y/o daughter. The first time I stayed the night with him and his daughter I noticed that he after each of her bowl movements he would wash her in the sink after not just baby wipes. He will say " Daddy like his girl to be clean". "Let me check all her places." He has no boundries with her and she sleeps in the bed between us. I can understand that, but when he goes to put her to bed he will lay down with her(shuts door) until she falls asleep and when we get in the bed he will pull her up close to him. He says she sleeps in crib fine but he likes to wake her up in the morning by kissing her back and rubbing her. He does absolutely nothing else when she is there but caters to her every need and whine. Last time she was pouring water all over the tv I told her "no". I have two teenage boys so yes, I know how to deal with kids... He said she wasn't hurting anything because it was his ex's tv. Ok... Later that night after putting her to bed he asked me to leave because his divorce was not final, etc... .(I had been staying with him for 2 weeks) I said ok, I understood. That night instead of putting her in her crib so we could snuggle he had her there. Am I just being jealous? I have bought his daughter clothes, shoes, I fed her, helped take care of. She will get mad and go to the room and slam the door. I just feel that something is not right, but not growing up with a Dad I do not know if this is just normal. I know my brother does not was all the places in his daughter after a bm..... Help?
Oh, I skimmed too quickly over the "not divorced" part.
I would say he really isn't in any position to start anything serious and long-lasting at this time......he is still married at this time anyways. Even if the divorce was finalized there still isn't compatibility here.
I would say he really isn't in any position to start anything serious and long-lasting at this time......he is still married at this time anyways. Even if the divorce was finalized there still isn't compatibility here.
I feel like you missed my point entirely and I thank all the others who have replied to reiterate the point I was trying to make.
My point is that when you're in a relationship, anything that comes up as a red flag at all deserves to be taken seriously. Time and time again women post on here and elsewhere about multiple red flags that they have noticed throughout their failing relationships and they freely admit that they have full out ignored those red flags and continued the relationship only to have it spiral further downward. In all of those cases, if they would have taken action far sooner, like say after the first or second red flag that came up, they could have avoided months if not years of time wasted with a guy who was clearly all wrong for them. I've seen this so many times and that is the lesson learned through my own and others mistakes.
So the choice of course is yours but don't be surprised if and when other issues come up that may have nothing to do with this but which also give you a gut feeling that something is off. Your gut feeling is something you need to learn to trust because it is not ruled by your emotions only by your instincts and that's why it is always the better choice. This is a proven fact. Go with your gut. Period.
My point is that when you're in a relationship, anything that comes up as a red flag at all deserves to be taken seriously. Time and time again women post on here and elsewhere about multiple red flags that they have noticed throughout their failing relationships and they freely admit that they have full out ignored those red flags and continued the relationship only to have it spiral further downward. In all of those cases, if they would have taken action far sooner, like say after the first or second red flag that came up, they could have avoided months if not years of time wasted with a guy who was clearly all wrong for them. I've seen this so many times and that is the lesson learned through my own and others mistakes.
So the choice of course is yours but don't be surprised if and when other issues come up that may have nothing to do with this but which also give you a gut feeling that something is off. Your gut feeling is something you need to learn to trust because it is not ruled by your emotions only by your instincts and that's why it is always the better choice. This is a proven fact. Go with your gut. Period.
I agree completely with the above replies. I too don't get the sense that your BF is doing anything but being a good, doting Dad to his VERY young child.
I think that this relationship sounds like it started off a little too quickly, probably for both of you. If he had posted, would tell him to get through the divorce and focus all of his time and energy on his child and helping her transition through this difficult time. I just don't think he should even be THINKING about a relationship with anyone else for right now. Not only is the "rebound" issue a concern (as mentioned), but I think it just muddies the waters for such a young child to try to accept that her parents are not together, and then find an appropriate place in her young mind for you, and figure out how YOU fit into her and her daddy's life. For most children, it would be a knee jerk reaction to feel threatened by ANY attention he is giving you, as she needs a lot of reassurance going through the divorce. She probably feels scared, insecure and vulnerable. It's just too much for a little girl to take on all at once, and I think while your BF moved a little fast to start with, he's kind of coming to his senses, which is clear when he told you to leave. I think that's actually a good thing.
This isn't personal, try not to take it that way. If anything, I think it's admirable that he wants to be a good Dad. That's a fantastic quality and you should respect that. If it were another time, another place and different circumstances, you two may have been great together. I think, for YOURSELF, him and out of respect for the child's situation, you should move on. Who knows, maybe after some time has passed and he heals from the divorce and his daughter has adapted, you can revisit dating this man.
Best of luck to you.
I think that this relationship sounds like it started off a little too quickly, probably for both of you. If he had posted, would tell him to get through the divorce and focus all of his time and energy on his child and helping her transition through this difficult time. I just don't think he should even be THINKING about a relationship with anyone else for right now. Not only is the "rebound" issue a concern (as mentioned), but I think it just muddies the waters for such a young child to try to accept that her parents are not together, and then find an appropriate place in her young mind for you, and figure out how YOU fit into her and her daddy's life. For most children, it would be a knee jerk reaction to feel threatened by ANY attention he is giving you, as she needs a lot of reassurance going through the divorce. She probably feels scared, insecure and vulnerable. It's just too much for a little girl to take on all at once, and I think while your BF moved a little fast to start with, he's kind of coming to his senses, which is clear when he told you to leave. I think that's actually a good thing.
This isn't personal, try not to take it that way. If anything, I think it's admirable that he wants to be a good Dad. That's a fantastic quality and you should respect that. If it were another time, another place and different circumstances, you two may have been great together. I think, for YOURSELF, him and out of respect for the child's situation, you should move on. Who knows, maybe after some time has passed and he heals from the divorce and his daughter has adapted, you can revisit dating this man.
Best of luck to you.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, leaving a relationship that the writing is on the wall that you two will always have conflict over an important subject after only three months isn't running. It's making a wise decision in dating. You aren't an old married couple of 30 years trying to work things out. You are newly dating and you've spotted something that makes this relationship unworkable.
If he were to write to us and tell about you and your feelings, I'd tell him that she doesn't sound like a good fit for your life. he doesn't sound like a good fit for your life either. You two are not compatible. He's the parent of a young toddler and has every right to parent her as he is doing. You don't like it. That is not fair to him or his daughter.
so, I would move on and find a person that is a better fit for you. good luck
If he were to write to us and tell about you and your feelings, I'd tell him that she doesn't sound like a good fit for your life. he doesn't sound like a good fit for your life either. You two are not compatible. He's the parent of a young toddler and has every right to parent her as he is doing. You don't like it. That is not fair to him or his daughter.
so, I would move on and find a person that is a better fit for you. good luck
I too think You should move on.
You said "running solves nothing" but You have nothing to "solve" here.
The stage is set. I tend to think He's not being being inappropriate (She's two years old, She's still a Baby!) but You don't like what You are seeing and that's enough. His treatment of His Daughter will be a thorn between You from here on out. This is Your Red Flag.
I agree You should date Men who don' already have Daughters.
You said "running solves nothing" but You have nothing to solve here.
You said "running solves nothing" but You have nothing to "solve" here.
The stage is set. I tend to think He's not being being inappropriate (She's two years old, She's still a Baby!) but You don't like what You are seeing and that's enough. His treatment of His Daughter will be a thorn between You from here on out. This is Your Red Flag.
I agree You should date Men who don' already have Daughters.
You said "running solves nothing" but You have nothing to solve here.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I agree. She's two and I don't think he's being inappropriate. He's a doting dad who is overly close right now as he is going through something very difficult, a divorce.
Listen, you are the transitional woman right now, you realize that, right? Rebound is real. And you write that he's expressed some things like 'you have to leave because I'm going through the divorce", etc. This relationship you have is not built on a solid foundation because it started when he was at a vulnerable point.
I'd move on and tell him when the divorce is final and you've taken some time on your own to heal, to look you up. Then find a man with either older kids or no kids. He's being the kind of parent that I wish more men were. Involved, giving, sensitive, loving. She's 2, not 12. If you don't like the things she does and he is okay with it, this will cause eternal friction. And that you might deep down inside just a tiny little bit see her as a pain . . . it just won't work because of that.
Best wishes and good luck!
Listen, you are the transitional woman right now, you realize that, right? Rebound is real. And you write that he's expressed some things like 'you have to leave because I'm going through the divorce", etc. This relationship you have is not built on a solid foundation because it started when he was at a vulnerable point.
I'd move on and tell him when the divorce is final and you've taken some time on your own to heal, to look you up. Then find a man with either older kids or no kids. He's being the kind of parent that I wish more men were. Involved, giving, sensitive, loving. She's 2, not 12. If you don't like the things she does and he is okay with it, this will cause eternal friction. And that you might deep down inside just a tiny little bit see her as a pain . . . it just won't work because of that.
Best wishes and good luck!
The reality is this is the way your bf parents and keep in mind the child is ONLY 2, so I am not really getting anything inappropriate here.......I am getting you both have very different parenting styles that might clash.
To add, you've only been dating three months, so there might be more as time goes on you don't approve or like OR this situation might wear you down causing arguement. It is his child and he can parent how he sees fit. You are already having issues with this and it's only been 3 months of dating. I would consider this a red flag. If you would like to proceed with this, then that is your prerogative. This is who he is and this is the situation. He is letting you know his daughter will be #1 at all times......literally.
"Last time she was pouring water all over the tv I told her "no". I have two teenage boys so yes, I know how to deal with kids... He said she wasn't hurting anything because it was his ex's tv. Ok... Later that night after putting her to bed he asked me to leave because his divorce was not final, etc... .(I had been staying with him for 2 weeks) I said ok, I understood."......
Sounds like he told you to leave because he didn't like you trying to parent his child or trying to tell the child what to do in this situation. If he was present and the child was doing this, then you should of let him handle it. You really aren't in any position to try to tell him how to parent his child being that you have only been with him for 3 months.
Not telling you to leave or stay but to keep in mind this is how it is and you can't change people or expect the situation to change especially only after 3 months of dating. It boils down to two options: You will accept this or You won't accept this.
In my opinion, he sounds like a very protective father who puts his daughter before himself and wants the best for her and that to me is NOT inappropriate.
To add, you've only been dating three months, so there might be more as time goes on you don't approve or like OR this situation might wear you down causing arguement. It is his child and he can parent how he sees fit. You are already having issues with this and it's only been 3 months of dating. I would consider this a red flag. If you would like to proceed with this, then that is your prerogative. This is who he is and this is the situation. He is letting you know his daughter will be #1 at all times......literally.
"Last time she was pouring water all over the tv I told her "no". I have two teenage boys so yes, I know how to deal with kids... He said she wasn't hurting anything because it was his ex's tv. Ok... Later that night after putting her to bed he asked me to leave because his divorce was not final, etc... .(I had been staying with him for 2 weeks) I said ok, I understood."......
Sounds like he told you to leave because he didn't like you trying to parent his child or trying to tell the child what to do in this situation. If he was present and the child was doing this, then you should of let him handle it. You really aren't in any position to try to tell him how to parent his child being that you have only been with him for 3 months.
Not telling you to leave or stay but to keep in mind this is how it is and you can't change people or expect the situation to change especially only after 3 months of dating. It boils down to two options: You will accept this or You won't accept this.
In my opinion, he sounds like a very protective father who puts his daughter before himself and wants the best for her and that to me is NOT inappropriate.
You have some very valid points. I am trying to figure out if my feelings are overreacting. Why? Because I never had a father nor know the appropriateness of that relationship. I look at my sons and my relationship and try to understand. I do so because he is very nice and we have lots of fun together. I could be wrong and overreacting. I like to make logical decisions. And if by chance there is something in appropriate how can I walk away and do nothing to help? It is sad there are so many posts like this. I would really like to hear helpful comments not just ones that tell me to run. Running solves nothing. If you find these questions monotonous then stop reading them and do not reply.
There are way too many of this sane kind of post on here. Women posting about their boyfriend's alleged too closeness with their daughters. My opinion is, don't date men with daughters. I'm serious. Whether or not he is actually being inappropriate isn't even the issue. The problem is that you're in a relationship with a guy whom you think something like that is happening.
I will never understand why women stay in these kind of relationships! If you think that about him then BYE BYE! Leave! Right now! Don't waste your time asking people on the internet about it, go with your gut feeling and get away from this guy!
If there's nothing inappropriate going on, then oh well. But the perception of inappropriateness should be enough for most normal people to walk away. Why they don't is beyond my comprehension but if it were me and I had even the slightest concern about that, I'd be out the door like yesterday. It's not worth it to try to figure out what is going on because there are plenty of guys out there who don't throw off the creepy vibe like that! Why would you even consider staying with a guy who gives off that kind of creepy vibe about his daughter, even if he isn't doing something wrong?
I will never understand why women stay in these kind of relationships! If you think that about him then BYE BYE! Leave! Right now! Don't waste your time asking people on the internet about it, go with your gut feeling and get away from this guy!
If there's nothing inappropriate going on, then oh well. But the perception of inappropriateness should be enough for most normal people to walk away. Why they don't is beyond my comprehension but if it were me and I had even the slightest concern about that, I'd be out the door like yesterday. It's not worth it to try to figure out what is going on because there are plenty of guys out there who don't throw off the creepy vibe like that! Why would you even consider staying with a guy who gives off that kind of creepy vibe about his daughter, even if he isn't doing something wrong?
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