Invite my dad and his family to my wedding?

[MissmyAngel]

Hi, I'm really confused ATM. My wedding is in 3 months and I'm writing out wedding cards, when these feeling suddenly came crashing into me, thanks to my sister-in-law texting me saying she was going to my nieces birthday party.. We were the only people in the family not invited..

I never met my dad until I was 16, and things seemed to be going good, we were starting to learn about each other and build a bond with him and his family.
Then my step-brother raped me.
I disappeared for roughly 9 years, then contacted him again, hoping to try again, so my son could get to know him.
It started out ok this second time around, but I noticed him and the rest of the family pulling farther and farther away from me. To the point where my son is only 2, and my dad only seen him on his birthday and Christmas this year.  He didn't even try to converse with my son at all, or go into the room where his party was. So I had to sit in the kitchen making small talk with my dad, and missed out on half my sons party, and the kids completely trashed my house while I was in the kitchen.
He hasn't even texted me to see how the wedding planning is going, or anything. This is not what I envisioned at all.
My Christmas was almost ruined because I was so stressed about the thought of giving my rapist a Christmas present. In the end I chose to just tell them my car wasn't working, and sent gifts to everyone.
The rapists wife made a HUGE scene last year because my step-mom invited my son and I to her daughters birthday party.. Since then, none of my other siblings have invited me to any birthdays or other things.
I had just one brother and his wife (out of 5 kids and their spouses) that have been nice to me. She was the one who told me about this birthday party that I wasn't invited to. I had asked for her help with how to put together my wedding invites, because she offered. That was a week ago, and she has brushed me off 3 times now, so I imagine something was said to her at the birthday party about what a horrible person I am, or something to that effect. Just makes me feel that my step-brother has effectively pushed them all from my life by saying stuff about me. At least that's what my intuition tells me.

I really wanted to have a relationship with my dad, but the pain his family is causing me by not trying to make me feel welcome, and also my dad not making any effort to get to know my son anyways.. I think if I don't stop this charade now, my son is going to end up hurt.
I could use the extra 20 seats I'd save by not inviting them, to invite a few of my close friends instead..
I know if I don't invite them, then it would mean my relationship with him is over for good.

[MissmyAngel]

Nursegirl-thanks again for your post :)
I am in therapy ATM but as I live in Canada, I am only allowed 8 therapy sessions a year :(
Most therapists in the past that I've dealt with have waived those stipulations, because they could tell I was in need of more, but my current therapist is really good at helping get to the root of things, so he's highly sought after in my area.. Therefore he's really strict with the 8 sessions a year :(
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how I look at it) my brain locks things away that are too traumatic to deal with, and my memory comes back when I'm ready to begin processing them. I had no memory of what happened for about 5 years after the rape, which is a big part as to why I never brought him to justice. I think I'm most traumatized by the fact that his actions have ruined my relationship with my dad and my half-siblings. :(
I was thinking about your previous post earlier today, in maybe laying the cards on the table to my dad, and seeing if there's a way to have a relationship with him and my other siblings, except step-bro.. But honestly that would most
likely be the end of my relationship with them for
good. Step-bro has the advantage of growing up with them.. It's obvious they seem to be believing whatever lies he's told.. Most likely has gone so far back as to be the reason my dad never pursued me when I disappeared.. I find it very odd that he wouldn't have come by my house or picked up the phone otherwise.. Sigh..

P.s. Sister-in-law resurfaced today, to ask me if I have a caterer and photographer yet. I answered nothing that's 100% yet.. Then she dropped the conversation.. No explanation as to why she brushed off our plans without letting me know.. Lol.. Odd. But maybe there is still something there.. Idk.

[nursegirl6572]

Ah I see, thanks for the clarification.

You've had to deal with some very difficult family dynamics and tragic situations.  It's unfortunate that he didn't get punished for his crime, but I'm sure that was difficult for you (the decision to report it or not)...it would be hard enough without the perpetrator being a family member.

I would definitely recommend some therapy, to explore all of these unresolved feelings and find the best way to move on with so much being unsettled.

Hopefully your new husband and you can create a new and wonderful close family for your children.  It would be nice to turn that around and be able to see your kids benefit from those aspects of family you didn't always have.

Best to you, dear.

[MissmyAngel]

thank you both, for your insights.

Rockrose-you are right, I started reaching out in hopes that my son could get to know his Grandpa, but that doesn't seem to be happening. Instead of building the bridge it seems to be deteriorating faster than it's being built :(
He did bring him Christmas and birthday gifts, but really it just left me feeling like he only did it out of obligation, not sincere love, if he doesnt take the time to come see him at other times too, and hasnt been trying to get to know him. I don't know why I would expect anything more from a man who never tried to contact me growing up.. My family never moved, his parents only lived a few blocks away! Or when I disappeared after the rape, why hadn't he tried contacting me to find out what was up.
I have thought about texting the sister in law, saying I give up, as I feel shunned.. I've also thought of telling my Dad the truth. Seeing as my step-bro has left me feeling alienated due to his own guilt, I have nothing to lose.

nursegirl-I'm sorry if my post was a bit confusing; the step-brother has recieved no repurcussions at all. I never filed charges, I never told my Dad. I simply disappeared from their life for 9 years. My Dad knew how to find me during that time, but didn't make an effort. (just like he made no effort to contact me growing up).
Every time I've invited my dad over, he always brings his wife, so I haven't felt comfortable telling him why I disappeared.. There have been a couple of times when I have actually had to see my step-bro, but I always stayed far away from him and have never left my son alone with any of them.
As with wanting to see the rest of the family, I also have half-siblings and nieces and nephews that I had hoped to get to know, which is why I have attended some family gatherings, and have just kept my feelings about step-bro to myself. and why I'm hurt that they have stopped inviting me to family things.

Honestly I am feeling like it's time to let go, my fiance really thinks I would regret it if I did.

Thank you for the luck :)

[nursegirl6572]

I can imagine that something as big as one person in a family accusing another of rape is going to cause major major issues in that family.  I personally do not understand why you would want to be (or have your son near) your stepbrother's immediate family at all.  I would think it would sort of be understood that you and your immediate family would not be in the same place as him and his family, out of respect for everyone involved.

Did he get arrested for the assault, or do jail time?  Did he admit it?  I would guess that he's saying you're lying?  Is that perhaps the reason for the shunning?  If he wasn't pursued legally, where anything was proved, or if he didn't admit to doing it, then for your family's sake, it becomes "he said, she said", and that's a very awkward situation for everyone.  People have loyalties on both sides, so it's very difficult.

The best thing would have been to try to sit down with the main family members when you reemerged, and came to a prearranged agreement on how to handle events such as b-day parties, and such...so that the two families (yours and his) can both be included, but seperately in some way.

As for the wedding invites, that's a tough one.  I can understand how you would feel like you do.  As hard as it is, try not to make a knee-jerk decision based on hurt feelings you may have from these other events.  While I'm not condoning anyone's bad behavior, that WOULD be a terribly difficult predicament to be in, and it doesn't sound like anyone has ever made a big effort to sort through the issues with a sit down with all involved parties, so you're left with all these uncomfy feelings, and very hard to navigate family get togethers.  I'm willing to bet most members of the family are completely clueless on how to handle these situations.  There is always going to be those few people too, wrong or right, who are going to side with him,.,.,you cannot change that or fix it.  You have to let that go.  As for all the others, they are probably stuck somewhere in the middle, not knowing what to think, do or say.

I think if you don't foresee you getting a reasonable resolution where you can communicate with these family members in time (which you're kind of out of), then I think cutting the list down to only include the MOST important family members would probably be okay.  It is YOUR day, and you certainly don't need a lot of extra unwanted tension.  Just understand that you not inviting some people may indeed cause even more friction and tension in the long run.  Communication is seriously long overdue in this situation, as difficult as it would be.

I surely don't envy your position, it's a very tough one.  The decision is yours to make in the end.  I wish you the best, and good luck on the wedding day!

[RockRose]

You seem pretty clear on all the issues here - it's hard to know what to say.  Your stepbrother is saying something (don't know what) to the entire family,  and whatever it is they believe him and it's bad enough that they are shunning you.

I understand your desire to have a loving grandpa for your son,  but whether this man is in his life or not - he won't have a loving grandpa.

I think I'd write the one sister in law who still sort of speaks to you,  and tell her you feel completely excluded from the family and wanted to make it work but you are being shunned.  And see where it goes from there.  Probably,  it won't go far.

Best wishes.

[MissmyAngel]

Also, that would be 20 mouths I would have to feed, that don't seem to give a **** about me or my son. I'm beyond broke, struggling to do this wedding as cheaply as possible..
I don't think I'd miss not having them there, since they haven't been nice to us.