I’m really sorry that this is going to be longwinded, but I would really appreciate anyone’s advice.
I was with my partner for 8years, in a relationship from college, before we decided to get married. We had survived a long distance relationship as we went to different universities in different cities, and I thought marriage would be all set. I knew I was going to have to live with his family for some time after marriage, as that is just part of our culture.
We always talked about eventually getting our own place, after about 2yrs. I was apprehensive about moving in with his family, because although we had been together 8yrs he never introduced or welcomed me into his family, whereas he was pretty much a part of mine from day 1. When I moved in I tried my best, but saw all these different sides to him I didn’t even realise existed, as if he was hiding this part of his life from me.
Turned out he was extremely attached to his mum and dad, and his sister, who is roughly the same age as him. I found it really difficult to adjust to this side of him, and wasn’t comfortable in the house because of him, and also his mum and sister are quite controlling. They like to do everything for him, and I wasn’t able to ever cook for him and me, or even wash his clothes.
I made myself really detached almost instantly, because I started to feel really depressed and missed my family because his house didn’t feel like home. 4 months into the marriage, my husband asked me to ‘leave his house’ because he wasn’t happy with how I had been with his parents and sister, and they had apparently been crying because they felt I hadn’t made the effort to mix in.
he said he could see the whole time I wasn’t gelling with them, but he didn’t speak to me about this, he instead was writing down every time I acted in a way they didn’t approve of to read out to me later. I would spend a lot of time in our bedroom and not much time downstairs with the family, but I didn’t feel comfortable, especially with his relationship between him and his mum and sister.
I would take my food upstairs and eat alone, or spend the whole evening upstairs, as my husband would work very late most nights. after he asked me to leave, he dropped me back to my parents house, he left me there for a week while he decided what he wanted to do, and until I had sufficiently apologized to all the family for what I had done to hurt them.
I moved back in after a week or so, and tried my best to mix in, but by this time my husbands attitude had completely changed towards me. From then on we have been very emotionally and physically distant, and there is no resemblance of a relationship let alone a marriage. He wouldn’t speak to me much, and there is no opportunity to have a private life – hes no longer affectionate, caring or friendly.
His parents are controlling, and there’s always functions or events to attend, and we don’t really get given a choice on what we do. Everything must be on his family’s routine, and I was told I need to spend less time and talk less to my family because I am married now and it is my duty to always be with his family. I felt like another child being told what to do by parents and my role is just to slip into their way of living and just be okay with it.
My relationship with both the in-laws and husband completely deteriorated, and he has no interest of having a life with me alone, everything must be with the family. I’ve tried to talk to him about being distant, but his answer was always I don’t make enough effort or care enough about his family, so he cannot be normal or a husband to me. I also suffer from MS, and none of that is taken into account when I am too tired or need space when I’m feeling particularly bad.
No one cares what the effects of the living situation has done to my illness as well as my relationship, which has an 8yr foundation but is now completely destroyed. My husband and his mother continuously tell me it is my fault, because of me not integrating with the family, but they don’t understand I alone was expected to adapt to their entire way of living, and it didn’t matter what I wanted or that I wanted a private life with my husband too.
I have now been living separately from my husband for a few months, as I walked out when things got particularly bad and now stay with my parents. I understand at times I was rude when having to stand up for myself but everything has been blamed on me. Since leaving my husband has made no attempt to reconcile, but meets up with me around once a week because he says he misses and still loves me, he just says he ‘doesn’t know’ how to fix it, even if I try.
When I tell him maybe we don’t have a future, he doesn’t agree, but has also made no effort to fix things, even when I suggest moving out for a short while to see if we still can work. I don’t really know what to do, and am completely lost and stuck in a limbo. The whole year has shattered my confidence, I feel empty and not myself, and I just don’t trust my husband anymore.
But I’ve been with him so long, and now am 27yrs old, so feel I don’t know if ending it is even the right thing. I feel so confused about whether I should just divorce him, because I really can’t go back to his family's house, but he has no interest in moving out because he wants to stay with his family. I just don’t feel strong enough for a divorce, and am scared of being alone for the rest of my future.
Has anyone had similar experiences or can offer any advice please? I’m so sorry for such a long post, this is over a years’ worth of my life, I’ve been married a year and 8 months.