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20842584 tn?1533058715

Loneliness and constant hurt feelings in my relationship is going to end me.

God, I could probably write a book in this box about all the "relationsh*t" I've been through in my short, adult life. I'll try to focus on just the present situation though which is a four-year relationship that was basically doomed from the outset. Yes, I'm just as much to blame because of that alone because I saw all the red flags from the first moment we met and even cut him off from contacting me since I knew it wouldn't work. Stupid me though, ended up lonesome and missing someone who actually wanted to know me and have me in their life. I ended up unblocking and contacting him with the intent of at least being friends.

Of course it didn't go that way because lonely, depressed, messed up losers like me just can't ever keep distance. We wound up sleeping together, bonding more and more just on the basis that neither of us wanted to be alone. But that was like... the foundation of our "relationship" and has continued that way all these years!

We are terribly toxic to one another; neither of us cares what the other has to say, or how the other is feeling because we are both sad and troubled and each want attention and for the other to comfort us.  I've never been so silent in a relationship in all my life because I'm in constant terror about what he's going to argue about, what he's going to insult or demean or criticize. And then when I don't talk, I get called a coward or a blind idiot who doesn't really want to be part of this world. He has no idea that its just HIM I'm like this around, no one else.

We've been in this mess of a relationship for four years, two of which have been spent living together. I think moving in with him was when I sealed my own fate. I had that stupid, hopeful notion about maybe things would get better once we lived together and maybe would finally bond and really love each other. Obviously it just got worse and worse and now is just so bad that I'm in agony every day, from the moment I wake up until I go to bed. I DREAD when he gets home from work because I just can't stand the conflict or the charged silences or just the feeling that he thinks this or that about me. I know he probably distances himself from me because he can't stand me walking around all broken-hearted all the time and blaming him.

I can't leave because I'm currently not working and he has even said he can't leave either because he makes just about minimum wage and couldn't afford the rent by himself.  The thing is though, BOTH of us are so terrified of being alone that we don't want to break up. I know we don't. But it's like literally, I live here with him and sometimes almost a whole week passes where we exchange not a single word. I spend so much time just lying or sitting in bed doing nothing. NOTHING. I cry. I think and ruminate about my wasted life.

Did I mention I also suffer a severe panic disorder for the past fifteen years or so which is why I don't drive and currently don't work? I was always able to find jobs from home but now this is my longest stretch of unemployment ever, since January til now and it's killing me even more not having money to at least go out or do things or treat myself to a nice meal once in awhile.

I think out of all the above horrible things I've talked about though, the worst part is just the loneliness. Abject Loneliness. Morning til night I am here in this apartment, talking to no one except my cat, and then when he's home I don't talk much either unless it's to ask him to move something or pick something up from the store etc.
I don't have any friends; somehow they all fell away over the years. Well, I have ONE friend here in this city I've only been in for the past two years, but it's a guy and he has an insane crush on me so... obviously I cannot ever talk to him about relationship stuff. I bottle it all up and smile and pretend I'm in a great relationship and never reveal that anything is wrong, for fear that he will swoop in and try to hit on me or whatever.

Sigh.
Is there anyone at all who can just... talk to me? Please?
I mean on an ongoing basis too. I've tried to find counselors or psychologists but the wait lists are so long, I'm still suffering all alone and no word yet since January.
I just would really love someone I could even just email or talk to on the phone sometimes. It might be a huge burden though, since I tend to need it basically every day. I'm not sure if there would be anyone that kind or good or generous to want to deal with me that much but... at this point I will take what I can get :( I'm just tired of being so sad and lonely and never, ever having anyone to listen or help.
4 Responses
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, that is a woeful tale for sure!  Sorry it is so hard.  First, I'm not sure we can really apply the term relationship to what you two have going.  You might be together but your paragraph about not caring what the other says/does, etc. really tells that being together is about all there is. The name calling, bad mix of you two helps no one.  

I try to understand the financial issues that seem to be the ONLY glue.  That has to be undone.  Seriously, this should be very motivating for getting a good plan together for yourself.  Forget his plan and what he needs.  Really, now it is about you.  You two never should have ended up together and now you have to save yourself.  You aren't working.  Okay.  I'm sure there is a reason but you have to make that a temporary set back.  I'd personally rather live with my parents, a sibling, a grandparent, a best friend or go on Craigs list and find a cheap room than be locked in an abusive circle with someone I'm dependent on in a very unhealthy way.  You will not be able to overcome this, have solid self esteem, or get your life on track until you take the step to NOT live with him.  Trapped wives feel terrible.  Feel like they have no options.  Until the day they open the lock to their new life away from the relationship they want out of.  Nothing is impossible and you maybe can't leave today, but like, get the plan together to get out as soon as you can.  Give a deadline.  (2 months max).

Forget loving someone new.  Your priority needs to be to understand HOW you got stuck in this situation.  Work on YOU.  Get a career going.  Get your friendship (no friends with benefits) strong. Be YOUR best self.  A relationship down the road may happen but when you are in your position, it's always going to have three legs ready to fall over at any time.  

You are clearly very smart, articulate and a good thinker.  I can tell.  I believe in you.  

Honey, feeling lonely with a partner is not good.  If you are alone and carving out a new life, you will feel less lonely than in a loveless relationship.  
Down the road, you can try match websites which hey, just met a couple that met there and dated a year and are now getting married, have neighbors three doors down that met on a site like that, have plenty of acquaintances that have met that way.  But you are far from ready for that.  Hopping from one situation to the next puts you back where you started most of the time.

I know I threw a lot out at you.  I hope not too much and I hope you take it the way I intend it.  You do sound very sad and I'm so sorry!!!  Let me know what you think of what I've written.  I'm just a stranger with an opinion, so keep that in mind. :>)  hugs
1 Comments
Thanks so much for this. I appreciate it. I think my panic disorder holds me back a LOT as I never was able to get a license or work outside of the house for so many years. It's at the point where even hanging out with my one friend or even my sister, I'm still getting the panic attacks so badly that I can hardly function and just go to bed. Medications are of no use either; been down a whole list of them.
This is why the whole "get a career going" thing just seems hopeless now. I have applied for some kind of disability aid but that's not even a guarantee. What I told myself was that if they accept me, I would use the time and money to perhaps take an online course, find something that interests me - but there isn't even much of THAT anymore...

Unfortunately there's no where else for me to stay - I knew someone was going to suggest that I go live with my parents but guess what? Where before when I was in toxic situations, I could always pack up and go home, well... last year, my folks sold the family home and now live in a little basement apartment at my sister's house! They have no space for me, let alone my things. I literally sleep in the same bed with my mother when I go there and my Dad camps out on the couch. For sure I would even take the couch myself for a few months but there's NOWHERE there for any of my things. They still have all of their stuff everywhere in boxes. I just don't know what to do.

Funny thing is that I would probably even consider staying with the one friend I have, despite his crush on me, but he lives in an open bachelor apartment so... no way. If he had a place with at least a private bedroom with a locking door, maybe.

Anyway, you're right; I need a plan. I just don't know what it is right now and I feel so confused...
This is why I'm just so desperate for someone to talk to. Someone to maybe take me under their wing for a little while and help me until I feel steadier on my feet. It's so crushing to not be able to let all of this out, to keep going day by day in this wretched silence and pain.  Once upon a time the bf would actually try to be tender and maybe hold me and at least say he loves me and understands. Now he's gotten too embittered himself and says he is tired of feeling like he's to blame for everything. He refuses to say sorry if he's cussed me out or shouted at me; he says "Why should I be sorry? These are MY feelings!"

Sigh. Anyway, I guess I have a hard path ahead, and the first step is to figure out just what I want to do... especially job-wise.
IF I can even find anything...
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
There really are lots of programs that help.  Medical care through assistance is probably better than mine. lol  Mental health care can mean lots of things.  Not sure what you've tried but the latest trend is adjunctive treatment, meaning one drug with add ons to get additional affect.  Medication can take 6 to 8 weeks to work.  When you have panic and anxiety, sometimes it is hard to get through that initial start up phase and true trials of medications don't happen.  Not sure if that is you but that really is common.  But other things that DO help with anxiety/panic are breathing exercises, regular exercise, meditation, CBT therapy, and more.  Getting your license to drive would be of great help to you or get yourself planted on a bus line or close by.  You have to have transportation.  That's pretty necessary these days.  Driving school does cost money but if you save for this and force yourself to do it, this would benefit you very much.  I understand that then this means studying or the exam, making yourself take it and then saving for a car, gas and insurance.  If your family would help you out, that would be so fantastic.  But don't know your situation.  And honey, think about doing it all in STEPS.  It probably seems overwhelming.  But if you just take steps, no matter how small, on a regular basis toward the goal----  you will get there eventually.

You have disability to check on and you have regular assistance you can check on.  If you don't work, have no income are below the poverty line---  this could help you get on your feet.  I don't mention this lightly as I'd never want that to be your long term situation. But if it helps you get the plan going, it's a great option for you.  

I'd make a list of any kind of job you would consider taking.  Medical transcription can be done at home, for example.  Training costs money and you have to research and ONLY take the required coursework from a reputable place that has records of people getting employment upon completion of their program.  But there are lots of different fields.  Clearly you ARE smart.  I can tell.  you speak very well, write very well.  

Maybe think about what a plan could be for these things only?  But working toward getting out of this living situation, that's essential.  Hey, also, walk.  Go walk around where you live and practice talking to others.  It will make you feel less isolated.  And if you can find a church (whether religious or not) and start going--  they often have lots of help they offer their community. Non denominational churches are often big and welcoming.  

Anyway, remember, SMALL steps.  You will get there sweetie.  hugs
1 Comments
Thanks so much for the comment. I hope it doesn't disappoint you to learn that since I was 18 and first began suffering, I've tried basically everything you listed above. CBT, DBT, all the relaxation and yoga classes, hospital day programs...

I actually AM a certified medical transcriptionist too lol and that was the job I had that I lost in January. I worked for a hospital for four years and now nothing, can't find those jobs again for some reason - though if I'm lucky I find someone who needs general transcription for  acouple days or so :( Not enough.

I'm not sure about the driving thing as I would have nowhere to go anyway. I made it almost to a full G license when I was 19 but the panic attacks are so bad that I literally veer off the road because I am not "present" in myself when they happen sometimes. Too dangerous. I'm fortunate to live right across the street from a plaza with everything so... there's that. I usually walk when I Need to get somewhere. Or bf does drive me if I need to go further.

Mostly I'm just... like I said, so lonesome, wishing for a miracle every day - but I know miracles don't happen without work! I've been working so hard, never giving up for over fifteen years. Never stopped working, always found something and busted myself to bits doing so. But now I just seem to be failing and finding nothing - and then the horrible relationship on top of this.

I just ... I don't know. Thanks for the encouragement. Something's gotta give, I know. :(
3060903 tn?1398568723
Hi there, thanks for posting. I'd love to stay in touch with you A AND YES CONNECT WITH YOU WHILE YOU GET THROUGH THIS UNACCEPTABLE SITUATION .  Sounds like it's time to  CRAW A LINE IN THE SAND AND START SOMETHING NEW.

1) IT'S GOING TO TAKE HARD WORK.  REGARDLESS OF THIS GUY - I think you need to get it into your head that this guy does not owe you the opposite of loneliness. Fact is your relationship currently is the blind leading the blind. IF you should not choose a man that you have to change, how he affects you -  is your fault. You chose the wrong guy. Stop yourself from thinking about him at ll. For instance, you've stated that you both got into the wrong relationship in so many words. In your head, make all his choices, his problem  (i.e. how he treats women). It is YOUR  choices and the way that you choose to handle getting out of this funk, your problem,  YOUR  choices MATTER MOST AND YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEM IN BABY STEPS.

WHAT THE VENERABLE COMMUNITY LEADER SPECIALMOM SAYS IS TRUE : EVEN GENERAL WELFARE WILL GET YOU BETTER HEALTH CARE - here in Canada, the path of going to  a shelter; , and finding out what sources of resources are available to women in your position are the best way to extricate underemployed persons. Here you get enough $$ for a room, you may find another women to share an apt from a shelter experience, you would get a bus pass, a gym pass, help with finding employment, experience working through the employment programs (to get work experience), volunteer opportunities (to meet people, learn to socialize, and get valued work experience for employers)., food banks with free clothing opportunities , in other words support from the community at large. I agree that joining clubs ,churches. Yes, it may appear that it's easier to rely upon men that rely upon your performing in bed for their devotion and protection, but your making a mistake. You and your partner need to be "fixed" before they can be part of a relationship.  It IS YOUR TIME TO FIX YOU so that you can relax in a relationship and not always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and your world turned upside down every time an unwell individual projects, deflects their bad moods.  FROM WHAT YOU'VE SAID IT'S UNLIKELY THAT YOU HAVE ENOUGH OF A "RELATIONSHIP" TO WORK WITH TO GO AND GET MARRIAGE COUNSELING AND MAYBE HAVE YOU BOTH ON THE SAME PAGE WORKING ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. this may also be an option, but only you know what you have to work with as a starting point of REPAIRING YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP. if YOU WANT to ask if he's amicable to receiving therapy, you can do that to, but be prepared for any attitude of answer he gives you - and run with it. "WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW" NEEDS TO END.
5 Comments
NOT CRAW BUT DRAW A LINE IN THE SAND AND START NOW TO CHANGE THE STATUE QUO FOR YOURSELF. no one else but you can or will do this  - but you.  You're going to have to step up, dry your eyes and get tough about affecting REAL CHANGE.
Thankfully, currently this bf is working (hopefully an 8 - 10 hour day - including drive time). That's a lot of time for you to find your way to better mental and physical health. There are no excuses not to help yourself IT'S NOT HIM IT'S YOU THAT'S GETTING IN YOUR OWN WAY. BUT THERE IS A WAY TO CHANGE THIS FROM CONTINUING. STARTING NOW. PLAN TO (SUPPORT YOUR OWN MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH) TOMORROW MORNING. FILL IN THE BLANK. STARTING NOW PLAN TO _____ STARTING TOMORROW MORNING. It might mean getting up much earlier.  Depression often leaves us hiding out in bed, or on the couch. THIS IS A WASTE OF TIME AT THIS ;POINT IN YOUR LIFE.
IT'S NOT HIM IT'S YOU THAT'S GETTING IN YOUR OWN WAY.

ps THIS ONLY APPLIES IF YOU REFUSE TO LET ANYTHING HE DOES OR SAY GET UNDER YOUR SKIN - GET TOUGHER SKINNED AND LET IT SLIDE OFF YOUR BACK WHILE YOU SAVE YOURSELF.
Wow that was... a mouthful that you said.
I guess I did come off as pretty pathetic and helpless in my post. The loneliness is very crushing; maybe instead of telling my whole story to come off that way, I ought to have just emphasized that I'm desperate for a good solid circle of support in my life because I just feel as though I have none. This doesn't mean in any way that I'm not taking responsibility for myself.

For sure, I guess I do need to get stronger, "toughen" up as you said (and as countless others like to say), but I have NEVER stopped striving and working on myself as best as I can. In fact, as the community leader mentioned church, I should say that three weeks ago I took it upon myself to Google a nearby church that I could get to on foot and I emailed the lead pastor who then wrote me back. I have since gone three times to service and am liking it so far. Met a few people. Problem is, they are usually the "wrong" match for me as they are either young, new families who are too busy and too happy to deal with a miserable sad-sack like me - or they are much older and have even less motivation to want me around. I still intend on going though, just to see what comes of it.

I also a couple of months ago really started working on my fitness again, despite depression turning me into a statue. It is SO hard for me to move when I'm miserable; a thing my family knows too well as they gave me the nickname 'still doll' because I just sit and stare and don't budge. But I've been up doing rigorous workouts every morning and going for multiple walks a day sometimes. So there's that.

Bf does work at least 6-7 hours a day, so yes it is a lot of time for me to be working on myself. The thing is, my depression is so severe now, and crippling. I'm experiencing that one part of it known as 'anhedonia' because NOTHING appeals to me anymore. Nothing seems fun or interesting or cheerful for me. Even visiting my family sometimes does nothing and I wind up crying in the bathroom because I just can't snap out of it.

Mostly I just... I guess I do need to get stronger but I have no idea how to do it. Like I said, I wish I had someone I could talk to every day, someone to do this with me - not ALL of it for me. Just a support.

Anyway, thanks for the tough love. I don't usually respond too well to it but I am trying. I just thought I should give more detail into that so you know better where I'm coming from.
You mentioned that no medication works for you for your depression, so i found this when researching Anhedonia.

Another type of treatment that may be used in some cases is electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). ECT is one of the most effective treatments for depression. Some experts feel that it should be used sooner rather than later — especially with people who have uncomplicated depression.

During this treatment, a doctor places electrodes on the head and applies an electric current while the person undergoing the procedure is under general anesthesia. This induces a small brain seizure.

ECT is usually only used when other treatments don’t work.

Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) uses a magnetic field to stimulate nerve cells. It uses a smaller electric current than ECT and doesn’t require general anesthesia. TMS can treat major depression in people who have depression that isn’t responding to medication.

A final treatment option is vagus nerve stimulation (VNS). Your doctor will implant a medical device similar to a pacemaker in your chest. The wires of this device create regular electrical impulses that stimulate your brain. As with ECT and TMS, VNS can treat depression in people who have depression that hasn’t responded to other treatments.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

There's an interesting article : Can a Simple Blood Test Solve Depression?
Testing for Homocysteine Can Help in Depression Treatment
Posted Oct 13, 2011 that might interest you.


517872 tn?1562054308
The people who have no one in their lives have God watching over them more and more.  Don't feel sorry for yourself or the situation you are in. Complaining wouldn't help too. You could always have friends especially here who would love to help you guide you or simply talk to you> But do not consider yourself as a liability  or some load.  Why would you think that people would not love to talk to you or converse with you. You are God's magnificent creation. But you will have to stand up for yourself and make initiatives to be independent in your daily tasks .  You should not also stay home all day long. Just take a bicycle or something like a walk or anything but don't imprison yourself. Go out buy a book or something  or just visit a park.  If you could
add early morning walk to your routine, it would help a lot, clearing your mind and making you feel good at the same time.  Take care of yourself!
1 Comments
Thanks for responding. I do make sure to get out at least twice a day; once for an hour walk, even if it's raining or freezing. I also take another evening walk usually.  The problem is I don't have anyone to meet or anywhere to really go. I've lost interest in so many things. Biking doesn't interest me whatsoever. Sometimes I walk and go look at shops but that gets dull and I still feel depressed. There isn't much to do really. I wish I had a desire for hobbies like I once did.
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