Getting over a bad Mom

[BabyEugen]

I dont know whether im in the right category but here goes.. My mom and i have been having difficulties communicating for the past 15 years now and i'm 32 with a beautiful baby girl of 2 years. my mom is the kind of person who will love u when u have money or gifts to shower her with and the times that u cant give her these things shes your enemy. I dont leave with her right now but i do miss her especially for my daughter to be able to visit her grandma like every other kid does. My moms a christian by religion and she tells everyone that im keeping her away from her grand daughter but i know in my heart that shes not being honest with herself. One day i tried calling her to prove to my friend that my mom don't like me neither my daughter so i rang her up and i said " good morning, mom" and she answered "what!" and she hung up.. I felt so bad and hurt that i had to call up one of her friends to let her know what she did. I'm not ever going to contact her anymore and i hope she stop telling people that i'm keeping her away from her grand child.. Any sugestions would be great.. Thanks..

[moonpiebaby]

I AGREE WITH SOME OF THE POSTERS. Sometime you have to except things and people for what they are, and move on. We all want a loving relationship like the Brady's had with thier Mom. But,people come with thier own baggage. You can only make a attempt to make things work with her. I personally do not have a good relationship with my Mom. It's not from lack of trying. Sometimes these women who gave birth to us  figure they did thier job and thats all they had to do.I think they don't understand they will always be the corner stone of our lives. Good Luck Baby Girl with whatever you decide.

[Judy246]

I'm with you on this one teko as usual....you only have one mom and one day you will be in my shoes and all the fighting, arguing, attitudes will be meaningless and a mother's love is unconditional. Unless your mother is an abuser, make the peace with her. If she is not a threat to your daughter, let her see her. The ability to forgive is a gift, it's divine. Make peace with your mom and mover forward with a positive relationship with her. If she is so difficult that  you just can't be around her then don't do it. If you fear your daugher might be influence, abused or hurt by your mother, don't let her see her, but if it is over personalities and disagreements make a mends with her. As teko so elequently stated, "Your Mom and your relationship is well worth the time and effort. If you do you will never be sorry"....Good luck and let us know how you are coming along...hugs, Judy

[teko]

You only have one Mom. You can marry and divorce, but you will always only have one Mom and one Dad. It sounds like there is some history between you and your mom for things to have gotten this way. Usually it is miscommunication and stubbornness on one or both parties. Or maybe you two are so much alike that you rub each other the wrong way. My mother said something to me one time when my children were small and I was having a problem with one of them. I was feeling really guilty because this one child had been such a problem that I honestly did not like her at that time and I resented her actions and attitude very much. So I went to talk to my mom about it. She said you can be a mother to many children and you will always love them, however you may not always like them. We all have our own personalities. She was right, now myself and my daughter are closer than all the others. Your Moms and your relationship is well worth the time and effort. If you do you will never be sorry, however if you do not, you will always be sorry and your children, you and your mom will have missed out on what life is really all about. Good luck, I hope it turns around for you.

[mamabalas]

I agree with penswriter.  If your mother is really this way, don't subject your daughter to that.  My mother was (and still is) excellent.  Supportive, nurturing, teaching, all around great mom.  Her mother, a terrible person.  She abandoned my mom and aunt several times, would have men at the house at all hours locking the kids in one area of the house.  My mom remembers having a can of condensed milk and 3 pieces of bread between her and her sister for thanksgiving while my grandmother went out.  My mother and aunt both tried until their late 30's to make this woman happy.  It affected them both negatively in so many aspects of their lives.  It affected my sister and I, we would also never make her happy.  She could pretend to love us, but like your mother, if the "world was not catering to her", she was miserable.  Some people don't know how to have real relationships.  My grandmother is one of them.  I haven't seen her in 6 years, last time I saw her was at my grandfather's funeral, and we said hello as passing acquaintances might.  Didn't bother me once I accepted that is what we are.  Blood does not make love, respect and relationships.  Don't make your daughter go through this.  I love many people, some related and some not.  It has never been forced, and sometimes, even when we want to so much, some people just can't love us back.  Love her from afar, send a letter with updates on your daughter and son if you wish.  Just don't expect anything back.   Be the bigger person.  Let the ball be in her court, and see what she does with it.  Good luck to you, I know this has hurt my mom and aunt so much, but once they let it go, accepted who their mother really is always going to be, they are much better for it.  

[penswriter]

i'm going to have to go against what some of the ladies are saying. if she's that horrible and selfish...why have her around your daughter?

i had a rough spot with my mom. she pretty much abandoned me and my brother (dumped me off on my dad's doorstep and my brother on our aunts doorstep) to go marry some guy (who she is now divorcing) i quit talking to her. she was telling our family all these horrible things about me which weren't true and was a nasty woman. we're okay now but do you know why? SHE realized what an a$$ and b!tch she was being and apologized. of course i forgave her and she's done a complete 180. she is now one of my best friends and i couldn't see life without her.

so maybe....not talking to her for a while will be best. she'll realize what she has and realize what a mistake she's making.  

[Ashelen]

I understand where you're coming from. My mom has terminal MS, so she takes a LOT of medication, including several muscle relaxers and narcotics, AND she's a very heavy drinker (usually about 5 beers a day) so her personality is VERY warped by her intoxication. As a result, she's mean, judgmental, unpredictable, unreliable, and hard to talk to. I never know who I'm going to get when I call her- mom or monster. And nothing I do is right...when she asks me to do something, she immediately flips the situation and wants me to do the opposite, and because she's so intoxicated, logic has absolutely no place in trying to figure out her actions.

The way I cope with her....is to brush off any personal comments she gives me. It's hard to do because I WANT her opinions and advice as a mother (I've got an 18-month-old daughter and I'm 6 months pregnant with a boy) and I want to have a good relationship with her where we can lean on one another emotionally and support each other...but 90% of the time it's just not practical. So I continue to make the effort every single time, but I don't get my hopes up. If I call her crying and needing a "mom", I always steel myself just in case I end up with the judgmental mean mom, but I always keep in the back of my mind that small hope that she'll be understanding and supportive.

Try to take a few steps back emotionally and approach the relationship without the pain and bitterness from the past clouding it. I have a hard time doing that, but that's the ONLY way I can survive with my mom. She hurt me emotionally growing up, she was never "around", she was never supportive or kind to me, but in order to have a relationship with her now I have to let all of that go and approach this as a new relationship...which is what you need to try to do with your mom. Just let the past go, and try to remember that when you come to her you might not get the person you WISH was your mom, but she still IS your mom and it's better to have her, bad parts and all, than not to have her at all. I know my mom only has a limited time left with us, so I struggle with trying to hold on to what I can before she's not here anymore.

I hope you can work things out, but if nothing else...just keep in contact with her and share stories of your life, but if she begins to push you too hard or hurt you emotionally, just take a step back and let it go for awhile...and then try again when you're ready.

Good luck

[RockRose]

I wouldn't worry about what she's telling everyone - anyone who knows her knows her,  as they say.

People never get over not having a good mother,  you just have to compensate for it by having wonderful and loving other people in your life.

You have two chances in your life to get the "mother daughter" relationship right.  First,  with your mother (that was a bust) and now,  with your daughter.

You can do this relationship really well.  Spend the time you were wasting on your mother,  loving on your daughter instead.

Best wishes.  

[Judy246]

I'm also aware that there are mother's out there in the world that are not worthy to be called mom, but if these issues are something that can be worked out, "pride" needs to be thrown right out the door, because when there is no one in the world and when life is kicking us in the a** the only person who will always love us no matter what unconditionally is our parents. There a saying that goes, "Pride before a crash". Parents need to be respected no matter what and if need be take sometime to just gather yourself and learn to forgive, especially your mother. If she begins to pick an argument or has attitude, just walk away to avoid unecessary conflict.

[PJ466]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this it must be very difficult to not have a good relationship with your mom.
Swallow your pride my angel and force that relationship if you have to, go to her communicate ask her how she feels, there's always two sides to a story maybe she also feels that you don't want anything to do with her. I don't think your mother is crazy maybe there's something you did or said( not realising) that made her feel that you keeping her granddaughter away from her. Eliminate all the gossip and stories and try to communicate with her face to face. If she shouts or gets angry try your best to stay calm and keep in mind that your purpose is to have a good relationship with the woman that brought you into this world.
Good luck and I'll keep you in my prayers.

[specialmom]

The complications of some mother and daughter relationships can be many.  Often they have similarities that no one wants to admit to and often they are opposites.  But it is an important relationship none the less.  It is one worth fighting for.  I think Judy is right that a visit with maybe something to share to eat would be good.  Tell her that you'd like a relationship with her and your daughter misses her.  You don't have to be best friends with her but you should be on speaking terms for your own peace of mind.  If she refuses, I'd write her letters about what is happening with your daughter to keep her in the loop.  At some point, you can only say I've tried everything.  But you have to try everything before you can say that.  good luck.  Sorry you feel hurt.

[Judy246]

She is your mother who carried you 9 months, feed you, kept you clean, took you too the doctor and sacrificed her youth to make sure you were taken care of as only a mother can. We all have times in our lives where there will be conflict with our mothers, but there will also be a time when your going to look down at her in a casket and regret every negative action or word you ever said to her, so from someone who's mom died in her arms and I did everything for her. Bite your pride and go over there and attempt to have a "discussion" with her and make a mends. Tell he you do want her to have a relationship with your daughter and take her with you!  Life is way too short to hold grudges with your mother unless she has physially and mentally abused you. All cases are different, but you don't want to be in my shoes having to visit her in a cemetary on mothers day! If you feel the need to take some time to just chill out, then do so, but a mother as yourself needs to be honored by her family for a lifetime of sacrifice to the family. Take your daughter to her and show her that you are bigger than her right now and want a relationship with her and not deny her her grandaughter. As the old saying goes, "This too shall pass". Be the bigger woman, take that first step and take your grandaughter to her no matter what comes out of her mouth. One day you will also look down at her in a casket and find inner peace knowing you did everything for her and to keep the peace. Good Luck, Judy