so worried

[lilmissconfused]

Hi ive had a problem for many years and its that i worry myself to death that my bf will look at porn. We have had countless arguements about it because ive known he has looked at it quite abit. He made promises not to look and has broken them many times and although now he says he wont look again i know he will. Well basically what im asking is how i can stop being so worried about it. Men look at porn i know but i dont want to be upset about it and also i dont want to be controlling and stop him doing something he enjoys. Why do i get so upset about it? Ive been told im really attractive and im not overweight im slim. I get quite abit of male attention but i want my bf to like me and by him looking at porn i assume theres something wrong with me. I dont like the way i look and maybe if i liked myself more it wouldnt be as much of a problem but its like things my bf does sort of makes me think wether im pretty or not and with him looking at porn i assume im not. I hate that he wants to watch other women. Please can someone help i hate being like this it hurts so much. I know its me with the problem not my bf but im at my wits end

[specialmom]

Hi there,  I just wanted to come in with some thoughts here.

First, there are men that look at porn and it really means nothing to them.  It doesn't have anything at all to do with their real life partner but is recreational "fun" in their mind.  Harmless.  They can be in love, satisfied completely, and still enjoy porn once in a while.

Other men have more of a need for it.  They CAN'T give it up and actually have a hard time being fully with their partner because they are so involved in porn.  That is when it is a problem that will take significant work to overcome.  

What DOES concern me is that you've made your feelings known to your boyfriend and he says he won't watch it but just can't seem to give it up.  That to me is telling.

Your question isn't whether you should be okay with porn or not, is it?  I mean-------- that is personal.  I don't personally have a problem with it but know that many feel it is just totally demoralizing to women in general and can't stand the stuff.  If someone feels strongly that they do not want porn in their life and they are with a porny boyfriend . .. they will never be fully happy.  

But I don't get that this is your question.  You've decided that you are going to stay with him and accept his porn.  I would talk to him about his level of desire for porn in that he is willing to lie to you and go behind your back to have it in his life.  That really is something to communicate about and figure out.  Ask him what he is getting out of it.  Not in a way to make him defesive but rather to understand where he is coming from.  Like, 'what is the big deal with this stuff that you'd lie to me over it.'  

Then like all things in a relationship, you'll have to decide how important this is to you.  When we are dating---------- we should be looking for things that could derail a long term relationship.  The red flags.  We should take them seriously.  We should look for the things that might be a persistent problem between us and decide if we can live with it or not.  Example----------- some one that doesn't smoke might not want to live with someone that does.  You should make choices while dating about certain things you are just not interested in having in your life.

As to porn making you feel unattractive.  I'm guessing that your boyfriend could do a better job of making you feel desired in general.  Talk to him about this.  good luck

[sweetpea03]

Each counselor is different and if you don't like one, try another one who may work better for you. Then you can work on issues that you need to deal with through the counseling which in turn can help your relationship. Though I do have to say that not every man likes to watch porn. My fiance does not like porn and does not watch it at all, and there are other men like him in world as well(many of his friends are the same way). Make sure that your bf knows you don't like porn and talk to him about for how it makes you feel. If he loves and respects you, he'll do what he can to make you happy.

[Melinda8888]

My husband also watches porn and I was originally very upset because I felt like I had been betrayed or second guessed myself but now I don't let it bother me.  Men like to fantasize, it doesn't mean that he's not attracted to you.  If he watches it 7 days a week or has to watch it every time before you have sex then I would be concerned.  Maybe he is looking for a different excitement in the bedroom with you? have you spoken with him about the impact it has on you?

[lilmissconfused]

hi thankyou for replying, i have had counselling before about it but it didnt seem to work also in the past ive had counsellors to do with my problems about myself about not liking the way i look etc, at the moment im on citalopram which helps a little but my feelings about it are still there. in a way i understand the porn thing but on the other hand i get so upset about it and assume i must be ugly and fat etc. i love my bf so much and dont want to lose him. I suppose i should try counselling again and see how it goes because i find it hard to sleep and im constantly checking his computer and phone just to catch him out i feel awful for doing it to him, thankyou for your advice

[Ashelen]

Well....

have you considered going to counseling to deal with these issues to figure out why it terrifies you so much?

First of all - no, there's nothing wrong with you. You're completely entitled to feel the way you do about porn and your boyfriend. And if he's on board with respecting your wishes, you shouldn't feel guilty about how you feel.

However...it shouldn't scare or worry you as much as it does. I understand all the negative feelings involved with porn - trust me, I was molested as a child and porn was involved, and then when I was with my husband he was watching it behind my back and the sense of betrayal was MASSIVE...BUT with all that said, it shouldn't become an anxiety-inducing issue in your life.

You COULD break up with this boyfriend, move on, and find someone else who may or may not respect your wishes to avoid porn...you MIGHT find someone who doesn't like it.

But since you have found a guy who seems willing to respect you, I would say your best bet is to seek counseling for yourself and try to understand and overcome the anxiety involved in this - my bet is that it has more involved than just poor self esteem, but maybe it really is that simple.

I would recommend counseling for you alone to work out some of these anxiety issues...and then, to assuage your guilt, I would recommend couple's counseling where you can both talk openly about your feelings around porn and come to an agreement that makes you both comfortable.

I wish I had some magic words to make you STOP worrying about it....but with the level of anxiety you describe, I highly recommend some counseling.

Best of luck hon, I hope you find a way to come to terms with whatever decision you ultimately make about it.