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Man Troubles.
My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. We have been on and off for the past two years, but every time it was off, all I thought about was how badly I wanted and needed him. We have so much in common and so much to talk about every day. We love the same things, so it is fun for us to do activities together. The list goes on. He has been living with me so I see him all the time. The problem lately is that, well he has always been a person that cannot control his stress. I am too, so I go to the doctor for it and get it taken care of so it doesn't effect anyone else's life. He, however, does not do anything to help it. He is always snapping at me and yelling. He can never sleep, so somehow every night he finds a way to wake me up and be angry and yell. He doesn't like it when I go out with my friends because he is afraid I will cheat, which I have never done. I am SO tired of him snapping at me all of the time! It can be about something as little as a dog barking or me changing the music while I'm driving. I keep telling him that I'm not going to put up with it forever, but honestly, I would never break up with him. What do I do?
He is verbally abusing you and you are taking it, because you will not leave him and he probably know it. He definately has issues and you are his punching bag. Print all of these responses and give it to him. Suggest counseling, which I doubt he will go for. Continue being verbally abuse, and it will probably escalate with time to physical abuse. Continue to stay with him, because you "love" him, but I got news for you...love is simple and shouldn't hurt. Stay with him and we will here from you again on how he has hit you or maybe on the 5 oclock news....good luck.
Wow! Lots of good comments!
Iam1butterfly.. YES! Okay, he's not that bad. But many of those things you said are on the dot!
I asked him if he would go to therapy. He used to go when he lived with his parents because he has extreme outbursts on them too, and yes he has an anger problem. I actually wouldn't be surprised if he had BPD, and if he found that out, I would feel better because hopefully he'd continue getting help.
He does lots of good things for me, which is why I have been taking the bad with the good. My mother says I am just always needing a man because I never had a father figure and I am seeking one. I had a guy once get extremely angry with me because the things I liked about him were only things that appeared in my father. Eek, maybe I need to go to more counseling.
Thanks for all the responses!
Iam1butterfly.. YES! Okay, he's not that bad. But many of those things you said are on the dot!
I asked him if he would go to therapy. He used to go when he lived with his parents because he has extreme outbursts on them too, and yes he has an anger problem. I actually wouldn't be surprised if he had BPD, and if he found that out, I would feel better because hopefully he'd continue getting help.
He does lots of good things for me, which is why I have been taking the bad with the good. My mother says I am just always needing a man because I never had a father figure and I am seeking one. I had a guy once get extremely angry with me because the things I liked about him were only things that appeared in my father. Eek, maybe I need to go to more counseling.
Thanks for all the responses!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Tough love----- you get what you will put up with.
love love------ you deserve better than someone that treats you as his punching bag (verbally).
Reality----- this will only get worse.
Life is about choices. You can find all those things in a man that you like about him without having someone irrationally take out his frustration at life (as none of that sounds like it is about you) on you. I don't know how old you are, but I hate to see a young woman think that a relationship with a hot head like that is normal. FYI---- my husband WAS a hot head too. Not while we dated but after we married and we were living under the same roof. Now, I was (pre kids) a clinical psychologist . . . so I had some credibility with him to say that that was NOT the makings of a happily ever after relationship. I made it really clear that I wouldn't walk on those eggshells and HE needed to address the situation. I mean, I'll give him a neck rub if he's stressed . . .but I won't be yelled at for stupid stuff. My husband saw a counselor alone and got some stress relieving strategies. For us, this worked. But my husband was very committed to our relationship and as I said, with my profession----- he really didn't question me about this problem HE was having. It was HIS to deal with and he did it. He's pretty even keeled now, thank goodness. We have kids and I would hate to have the father of the house flying off the handle all the time! Anyway, if he won't address the problem----- and you won't leave him . . . then the writing is on the wall, I'm afraid. Good luck------ I really do wish you happiness.
love love------ you deserve better than someone that treats you as his punching bag (verbally).
Reality----- this will only get worse.
Life is about choices. You can find all those things in a man that you like about him without having someone irrationally take out his frustration at life (as none of that sounds like it is about you) on you. I don't know how old you are, but I hate to see a young woman think that a relationship with a hot head like that is normal. FYI---- my husband WAS a hot head too. Not while we dated but after we married and we were living under the same roof. Now, I was (pre kids) a clinical psychologist . . . so I had some credibility with him to say that that was NOT the makings of a happily ever after relationship. I made it really clear that I wouldn't walk on those eggshells and HE needed to address the situation. I mean, I'll give him a neck rub if he's stressed . . .but I won't be yelled at for stupid stuff. My husband saw a counselor alone and got some stress relieving strategies. For us, this worked. But my husband was very committed to our relationship and as I said, with my profession----- he really didn't question me about this problem HE was having. It was HIS to deal with and he did it. He's pretty even keeled now, thank goodness. We have kids and I would hate to have the father of the house flying off the handle all the time! Anyway, if he won't address the problem----- and you won't leave him . . . then the writing is on the wall, I'm afraid. Good luck------ I really do wish you happiness.
I agree with both APH and Mami, if you wont leave then so be it, put up with it, if you can tolerate it luck jo
Wow, you described my ex too, lol!
In all seriousness about that, however, I know my ex has some kind of behavioral or mood dysfunction. Not sure what, but whatever it is sure does make him a very unpleasant person most of the time in most circumstances.
Anyway, he's my ex for plenty of good reasons. Unfortunately, I still have to deal with his difficult and irratic behavior from time to time because we have a child together.
Hannah7792, you may feel like you can put up with his behavior, even though it's irritating and hurtful at times, but the only way he is going to make any improvements is if you remove yourself from the situation, or learn to deal with it. Just be aware that if you decide to learn to deal...think of what things could turn out like if you two have a child together.
I left my ex because he started treating our son with the irrational outbursts and emotional abuse that he was doing to me, and that's where I drew the line.
In all seriousness about that, however, I know my ex has some kind of behavioral or mood dysfunction. Not sure what, but whatever it is sure does make him a very unpleasant person most of the time in most circumstances.
Anyway, he's my ex for plenty of good reasons. Unfortunately, I still have to deal with his difficult and irratic behavior from time to time because we have a child together.
Hannah7792, you may feel like you can put up with his behavior, even though it's irritating and hurtful at times, but the only way he is going to make any improvements is if you remove yourself from the situation, or learn to deal with it. Just be aware that if you decide to learn to deal...think of what things could turn out like if you two have a child together.
I left my ex because he started treating our son with the irrational outbursts and emotional abuse that he was doing to me, and that's where I drew the line.
OMG... yelling at you for "changing the music" on the car radio; stressing out over a "barking dog" "trouble sleeping." Where have I seen that!
So, tell me... does he cringe at the sound of crying children? Does he have a problem socializing? ...being among a crowd of people? Have you witnessed road rage and public outbursts for things that most people wouldn't even respond to, let alone notice? Is he like a total "dream come true" one moment; only to suddenly become a raging, hysterical lunatic the next... and, for seemingly no reason?
Does he pick apart your words and attach bizarre meanings to the words you use?
Does he interpret compliments as subtle insults?
Does he complain of feeling a sense of numbness... emptiness?
The reason why I ask all of this is because I was in a 1 year relationship with a man who had the same negative reaction with the radio; the tv set; barking dogs; screaming kids; a slow waitress; waiting in a check out line; an unexpected change in plans... etc.
As it turned out, he has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) mainly caused by having had a horribly abusive childhood that left him feeling neglected, unloved and distrustful. If you decide to stay with him, I recommend that you develop a "thick skin" and seek counseling for yourself... and him!
Good luck to you... and please feel free to message me if you want to discuss this in more detail.
So, tell me... does he cringe at the sound of crying children? Does he have a problem socializing? ...being among a crowd of people? Have you witnessed road rage and public outbursts for things that most people wouldn't even respond to, let alone notice? Is he like a total "dream come true" one moment; only to suddenly become a raging, hysterical lunatic the next... and, for seemingly no reason?
Does he pick apart your words and attach bizarre meanings to the words you use?
Does he interpret compliments as subtle insults?
Does he complain of feeling a sense of numbness... emptiness?
The reason why I ask all of this is because I was in a 1 year relationship with a man who had the same negative reaction with the radio; the tv set; barking dogs; screaming kids; a slow waitress; waiting in a check out line; an unexpected change in plans... etc.
As it turned out, he has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) mainly caused by having had a horribly abusive childhood that left him feeling neglected, unloved and distrustful. If you decide to stay with him, I recommend that you develop a "thick skin" and seek counseling for yourself... and him!
Good luck to you... and please feel free to message me if you want to discuss this in more detail.
What can you do at home to make it a more peaceful place? If you truely would not leave him then you are going to have to adapt. You can only really change you and your surroundings. However a lot of times the ways you act and your attitude will set the stage. Have you ever really tried to be mad all the the time to someone that is sweet and loving?
Violents is one thing, but stress and being upset is another, btw reall good sex is a great stress reliever and if he is a good lover it could be a win-win.
Violents is one thing, but stress and being upset is another, btw reall good sex is a great stress reliever and if he is a good lover it could be a win-win.
He sounds extremely controlling and emotionally abusive. AP is right, he knows you're not going anywhere so why would he change. He will only change himself if he wants to and it's not because you ask him to. He has to see what he does and accept it as being wrong. Until then he will continue to treat you this way. If he won't change, than you need to change your situation.
"I keep telling him that I'm not going to put up with it forever, but honestly, I would never break up with him. What do I do?"
He knows you're bluffing and will never follow through with leaving him.
Because of this, he has no reason to seek the help he needs because no one or nothing has given him reason to do so.
Therefore, the problem lies with both of you in the relationship. You will not stand up for the respectful treatment you want and deserve, and he will not seek help.
So until one of you takes the first step to make something change (and most likely, it'll have to be you because you're the one who recognizes the problem and is having a hard time dealing with it), nothing will ever change and there's nothing you can do. You have to stand up for the respect you want and deserve from people in your life, and until you do, no one is going to change for you just because you want them to.
He knows you're bluffing and will never follow through with leaving him.
Because of this, he has no reason to seek the help he needs because no one or nothing has given him reason to do so.
Therefore, the problem lies with both of you in the relationship. You will not stand up for the respectful treatment you want and deserve, and he will not seek help.
So until one of you takes the first step to make something change (and most likely, it'll have to be you because you're the one who recognizes the problem and is having a hard time dealing with it), nothing will ever change and there's nothing you can do. You have to stand up for the respect you want and deserve from people in your life, and until you do, no one is going to change for you just because you want them to.
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