Aa
Married 1 month should I get it annulled?
This is my 3rd marriage and I think I made a mistake once again. Try to make it brief by saying my husband doesn't work, lies, curses at me first thing in the morning, I can't tell his kids anything but he can joke and make fun of my kids. When we were dating he worked at the same place as me but got fired and lost his job, he now is enrolled in school and goes to school 8-2 Monday-Thursday. He comes home plays video games and eats all night. He doesn't cheat, hang out with friends, no porn addiction or other bad habbits which I am happy about, but he doesn't try to move forward by trying to study while in school or apply himself in anyway. The problem is that I work full time at a very physcial demanding job, go to school full time and come home to have to clean, cook and pay bills. He says he is not a morning person and yells and curses at me first thing in the morning blaming it on that he is not a morning person and it blows up into an argument. We got in an argument this morning when I brought up that his kids should go to church with us on Sunday and he says I'm not going to make my kids FUC_ ing go where they don't want to go if they want to go back home they can go back home with their mother. I said I wasn't arguing I just thought they should go with us and he said get the FUc_ out of here I don't want to hear this SH_ T! I hate the fact that I am a good woman that is trying my best to provide for the family, keep everyone happy and he sits back and complains and the worse thing now is we are trying to have one more baby together but I don't want to bring another child into a dysfunctional home with a man that doesn't support me in anyway. I want to get my marriage annulled but not sure how it works. Any suggestions would help.
Oh and the worse part is we got married in July but are having this HUGE wedding that is basically paid for next month with all family members coming from out of state to come to. Should I go through with wedding and get money and gifts because we spent thousands of dollars and now broke and then get marraige annulled or just break it off now and call it quits and have him move out? Cake, reception, favors, wedding dress, limo, photographer, bridesmaids dresses the girls bought and groomsmen paid for tuxes and then flush all that money down the drain?
Oh and the worse part is we got married in July but are having this HUGE wedding that is basically paid for next month with all family members coming from out of state to come to. Should I go through with wedding and get money and gifts because we spent thousands of dollars and now broke and then get marraige annulled or just break it off now and call it quits and have him move out? Cake, reception, favors, wedding dress, limo, photographer, bridesmaids dresses the girls bought and groomsmen paid for tuxes and then flush all that money down the drain?
I disagree on nixing therapy. Therapists are there to assist those who don't know how to change. If we all could just change behavior just with the snap of a finger than most people wouldn't constantly repeat mistakes. Therapy is designed to help people look at why they behave a certain way, why they make certain choices, it helps to give skills in order to not repeat the mistakes. She's already on her third marriage with another guy who is just like the ones she picks. So I think she's not going to be able to just change without some type of help.
God gives us those warnings that we chose to ignore and then most of us wonder why am I going thru this. I am a living wittness to that.I am on my 3rd marriage as well. I married my highschool sweetheart who turned out to be a bum. I married my sons father who turned out to be married( I had no clue)..I got that null & voided and I took a break for me. To find out what I wanted and what in the world was I doing to keep picking BUMS. I met my husband now and I gave him pure hell because I did not want to make the same mistake again.I have a good man who caters to me and my every need and my kids. I say LEAVE him and don't turn back because your setting yourself up for a problem. Forget all that counseling and therapy Change comes from within. Some people change and go back to being a buthole. Take sometime for you and your kids and find you another man who is worth your time. Good luck & be blessed!!!
Reverse your course now, no matter what the cost. Then go to counseling and find out why you continue to make these bad choices and why you feel you have to be married to be happy.
Anulment is the act of voiding a marriage, making it like it never existed. This way, you aren't considered divorced under the eyes of the government. You are single as if you always had been. It's alot cheaper too. I did a little research on your state, and it seems that there are a few more restrictions regarding anulment there. You'd have to either claim bigamy, incest, fraud, mental illness (temporary or permanent), duress (threatened to do it), or physical disability. So, it seems you might have to use the temporary mental illness factor on this one! LOL You can claim that he is abusing you with his mental issues.
im kinda in the same boat, tho i havent started planning for my real wedding but im getting feed up with be controlled and disrespected ive only been married for 3 months good thing no one really knows about us being married i can do everything quite like it never happened! btw whats an annullment?
You can probably get a % of the deposit back or lose the deposit but get the rest you paid returned to you.
Oh my. Njs, if you go through with this wedding just to keep the gifts and then get it annulled, I think you'll probably lose all your friends. That's just poor form. Anyway, if your marriage breaks up within the first year you're supposed to return the gifts. I'm not sure you're a stickler for etiquette.
I can't believe you can't get most of your money back on the photographer, tuxes, cake, reservation hall, etc. There must be a clause for cancelling due to breakup. Nobody charges the full amount upfront for a wedding.
I can't believe you can't get most of your money back on the photographer, tuxes, cake, reservation hall, etc. There must be a clause for cancelling due to breakup. Nobody charges the full amount upfront for a wedding.
Get an annulment, start putting yourself and kids first! Let that great jerk go, don't go looking for Mr. Right let him find you.! Better yet spend time with yourself and get to know you!!
You are looking for your man to be the head of the house? I'm not a feminist, but an equalist. I don't agree with that. You want someone that plays video games all day, curses you out, and doesn't work, to step up and make the household decisions? You are doing a wonderful job, working and going to school full-time. You knew he didn't work all along, but that's ok. Just know that you are the only adult in the house. And the fact he makes fun of your children, but you can't even suggest his go to church with you? WTF??!! You don't need a provider, you need a partner! Someone who provides for the household right alongside you. I am sorry to see that you have a pattern going with men. You want so badly to have that ideal marriage, that you jump in too soon. I can relate to that. You might have the problem I had. I was the type of person that went after men like that. Something about their lack of independence, attracted me. It was like I wanted to be needed, even if I was only needed for my money, my body, or any other material possession. Tell him that it is time to go back to counseling, or you want an annullment asap. You are strong and independent. You work full time and go to school. You don't NEED someone like that. By the way, what are you taking in school?
COMMUNITY LEADER
It is hard when we see a pattern after the fact . . . and it is hard to tell what is going on when we are caught up in the middle of it. It happens to a lot of people. Being introspective and looking at the why's can really help stop the process.
Before you decide to leave this relationship----------- maybe it is still salvagable. I say that because you did fall in love and marry and it hasn't been that long so I'm sure there are some feelings left. Perhaps trying to change the dynamics could save things. If it doesn't work out, then you can leave feeling like you tried to work on it. With that said, the one issue would be if he is cussing/yelling in front of your children. That is a no no.
How does he do with communication? How do you do? Could some sit down heart to hearts help? You mention church --------- they often have programs for couple's in trouble. They can provide free counseling at some places. Would checking into that help? Our church has a "father's group" that focuses on how a man can be a better father/husband. They mentor each other and give positive messages about how to be the best man to your family that they can be.
Is your husband in school with a clear goal? I agree that being in school full time would still alot for a part time/weekend job of some sort to help out.
I wish you the best. Sounds like you are strong but pick weak men that then try to be strong with words and intimidation. I'd look at what attracts you to them in the first place----- as a start to figuring out why you go for that type.
goodluck
Before you decide to leave this relationship----------- maybe it is still salvagable. I say that because you did fall in love and marry and it hasn't been that long so I'm sure there are some feelings left. Perhaps trying to change the dynamics could save things. If it doesn't work out, then you can leave feeling like you tried to work on it. With that said, the one issue would be if he is cussing/yelling in front of your children. That is a no no.
How does he do with communication? How do you do? Could some sit down heart to hearts help? You mention church --------- they often have programs for couple's in trouble. They can provide free counseling at some places. Would checking into that help? Our church has a "father's group" that focuses on how a man can be a better father/husband. They mentor each other and give positive messages about how to be the best man to your family that they can be.
Is your husband in school with a clear goal? I agree that being in school full time would still alot for a part time/weekend job of some sort to help out.
I wish you the best. Sounds like you are strong but pick weak men that then try to be strong with words and intimidation. I'd look at what attracts you to them in the first place----- as a start to figuring out why you go for that type.
goodluck
Thanks for the feed back even if some of it is harsh. The one thing that is right that there are always signs but we chose to ignore them and think people will change. I did think things would be better after 5 months of counseling before the marriage and the morning thing is something I could deal with but the cursing and disrespect is something I can't deal with. Yes there is a pattern within me and why I keep ending up with the same type of man and jumping into wrong relationships. If things don't workout and we decide to part I agree that I need to soul search and look within because all three of my husbands couldn't hold a job, didn't want to be a provider and were lazy and immature when it comes to being the head of the house. I can't blame them I have to blame myself for dating boys!!!
If you are thinking of going through with the full fancy ceremony just for the loot, forget it. You don't want to flush the money down the drain? It *is* flushed down the drain already, and nothing you would get in presents will be enough to pay it back. More to the point, you don't want to be married to this guy. Your friends are going to feel incredibly used. They will respect you more if you annul now after learning what you got into, then if you string them all along and then end the relationship in a year.
As for the deposits you can't get back, I know a gal was essentially left at the altar, and she turned the situation around by having a big party with all of those deposits she couldn't get back, for the homeless in her town. It hit the news and she was a big star for her graciousness and sense of humor and irony.
Go see a lawyer or Legal Aid services, get the jerk out of your life, and move on. In moving on, once you get everything paid off in a while, go to a counselor too, to see why you're making such bad (impulsive anyway) choices in men.
I'm so glad you're not pregnant.
Smiles,
Annie
As for the deposits you can't get back, I know a gal was essentially left at the altar, and she turned the situation around by having a big party with all of those deposits she couldn't get back, for the homeless in her town. It hit the news and she was a big star for her graciousness and sense of humor and irony.
Go see a lawyer or Legal Aid services, get the jerk out of your life, and move on. In moving on, once you get everything paid off in a while, go to a counselor too, to see why you're making such bad (impulsive anyway) choices in men.
I'm so glad you're not pregnant.
Smiles,
Annie
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. Well, if your insurance covers therapy----- it is time to seek it. I'm guessing he is similar to the man you dated and were engaged to. People don't usually change over night.
Now, I will say that when it comes to respect, I think you can ask for that. You can not bring it up in a way to make him defensive but in a way that promotes positive communication. That involves just talking about something when it is not the hear of the moment. Step children . . . the rule of thumb is that the new spouse is in a support role only. You can say "do you think your kids would like going to church with us as I think that would be great" but not "your kids need to go to church with us." The first opens up conversation about the subject and the second makes someone defensive and opens up a potential argument. He's the final authority over his kids and you are for yours but both can discuss best courses of action for the kids privately. Then the bio parent carries it out.
Morning person. Ha. Do you know that when I got married . . . I would jump out of bed and start chatting my husband's ear off. He looked at me after about a week of marriage and said "I'm not a morning person, can we not talk in the morning?" Now I thought that was hilarious vs. being angry about it. The guy is focused on getting out the door in the morning and if I want to have a good conversation with him, that is not the time. I can accept that. I still, 10 years later wait until later in the day to address something if I can. We say hi, have a good day, thanks for the breakfast, see ya later, love you and that is about it.
Your husband shouldn't yell and curse. You can calmly say later in the day that you do not appreciate this and you would like him to find a better way to talk to you. Say it calmly. Ask him why he feels it necessary to yell. Listen to what he says. It is most likely a habit. Habits can be broken but awareness is the first step.
I think with three marriages under your belt, you are going to have to address your own patterns that are in place. Again, awareness is the first step.
good luck
Now, I will say that when it comes to respect, I think you can ask for that. You can not bring it up in a way to make him defensive but in a way that promotes positive communication. That involves just talking about something when it is not the hear of the moment. Step children . . . the rule of thumb is that the new spouse is in a support role only. You can say "do you think your kids would like going to church with us as I think that would be great" but not "your kids need to go to church with us." The first opens up conversation about the subject and the second makes someone defensive and opens up a potential argument. He's the final authority over his kids and you are for yours but both can discuss best courses of action for the kids privately. Then the bio parent carries it out.
Morning person. Ha. Do you know that when I got married . . . I would jump out of bed and start chatting my husband's ear off. He looked at me after about a week of marriage and said "I'm not a morning person, can we not talk in the morning?" Now I thought that was hilarious vs. being angry about it. The guy is focused on getting out the door in the morning and if I want to have a good conversation with him, that is not the time. I can accept that. I still, 10 years later wait until later in the day to address something if I can. We say hi, have a good day, thanks for the breakfast, see ya later, love you and that is about it.
Your husband shouldn't yell and curse. You can calmly say later in the day that you do not appreciate this and you would like him to find a better way to talk to you. Say it calmly. Ask him why he feels it necessary to yell. Listen to what he says. It is most likely a habit. Habits can be broken but awareness is the first step.
I think with three marriages under your belt, you are going to have to address your own patterns that are in place. Again, awareness is the first step.
good luck
You didn't notice this behavior BEFORE getting married...for the 3rd time? I can't see this being a just now happening thing. I knew well before my dh and I got married that he had PTSD and had anger issues that we would have to work through, together, as a couple. And we are. But it wasn't like he started over night.
I do have to agree that you can't force his kids to go to church. (If they're a different religion, have a "home" church, are not religious or what not.) His swearing about it, or every morning is unacceptable. There is no reason for it and blaming it on not being a morning person isn't a reason. I'm not a morning person and I never curse at my husband. I may mumble and grumble but no swearing.
Either try marriage counseling (individual counseling as well) or get a divorce/annulment.
I do have to agree that you can't force his kids to go to church. (If they're a different religion, have a "home" church, are not religious or what not.) His swearing about it, or every morning is unacceptable. There is no reason for it and blaming it on not being a morning person isn't a reason. I'm not a morning person and I never curse at my husband. I may mumble and grumble but no swearing.
Either try marriage counseling (individual counseling as well) or get a divorce/annulment.
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