Met a new guy/Family causing problems

[Angelgirl4573]

Hello there, first I just want to say thank you to any response I get to this question. Ok, so I am a 22 year old who made a pretty hard decision almost a year ago to stay single. I needed some down/alone time to get my head on strait after a horrible breakup. I've just recently in the past month decided to get myself back out there. I started talking to a guy through a mutual friend who thought we'd hit it off. At first it was just messages back and forth until we felt comfortable enough to meet in person. When we finally set up a date to meet, I invited him to my house to watch movies and talk. When he got here the first thing I noticed was that he was extremely good looking, but there was a problem. He has an overly/extreme feminine voice. I mean there is nothing manly about it at all. I don't like to consider myself a shallow girl..I like him and I think he's VERY sweet, but I've never met a man (he's 27) who had such a soft spoken/feminine voice.

I also want to add that since my break-up I did try to date again (before my decision to be single for awhile) and both times I instantly found a reason for why I couldn't be with this guy. Now..after nearly a year by myself..I am doing it again. I know a voice doesn't make the person and I want to give him a chance. Are there any other women out there who have been in this situation.

Lastly..I have already had an issue with my older brother. He met this particular guy for literally 5 mins and has already assumed he's gay because of his voice and how he acts. I personally don't know how to feel.He is extremely metro though, but also very masculine. I just know that if I date this guy he's always gonna get made fun of by my brothers & my dad. They're always gonna think he's gay...I just don't wanna put him in that sorta situation but I couldn't hide him from my family forever.

Oh and he also had surgery on his throat last year to widen it and he claims it had a slight affect on his voice, but not by much.

What should I do?? Should I go for it? How should I handle my family? And...is it weird that he knows alot about purses,womens fashion, hairstyles..etc??? Yet also loves sports, motorcycles,extremem workouts..etc???

[Womanontop]

I have to share... I dated this Canadian guy for a little over 2 months maybe three. I was shallow back then (ten yrs ago). I dumped him because I could not get over his voice. He was very attractive. Good looking in every way. But I could not get over his voice. It was not manly at all. So Ten years later he is married with kids and totally happy. was he gay? Not at all.  Did I miss my chance? Nope. Just not my type. I am less shallow now and not so heavily concerned with looks or physique.  I might add that i married an even sexier handsome, great deep voiced man and am almost happy. lol Bottom line, if you are attracted to him in every way then go for it. otherwise move on to the next catch. If you are having issues with your family, be grateful. Sometimes they see what we don't see. I am saying this because my family barely likes my husband. In the end what matters most is a FULL attraction. Ask yourself this, "Am I embarrassed to introduce him to people?" Good luck with this one.  

[sweetpea03]

This really sounds like a problem you have with your dad and not this new guy. Though I hope you don't let your father control your life. You are an adult and can make decisions for yourself in regards to dating and life in general. It would be courteous to warn this guy about your dad, if you ever bring him to meet him, but don't let your father sway your decisions. A man's voice is just one small aspect of who he is, and it almost seems like you are looking for a reason to not move forward with this guy. Good luck figuring it all out.

[sandy201]

personally, I couldnt do it, but it would also depen on how feminine the voice is. but it would be a turn off for me, no matter how goodlooking he is , a mans voice says alot about him. But thats just me, if he does something for you and it becomes that its not a big deal than go for it , but if you have to fight it and overlook it and it starts getting annoying (to you) not your family then let it go....

[AnnieBrooke]

It just sounds like you're giving your father's opinion too much weight, given that you are an adult.  I can see that you would want to protect your friends from your annoying and mean dad, and warning your new guy would be only kind.  But your post is mostly about your dad and not so much about the boyfriend, so it sounds like the issues are there with your dad.

Anyway, good luck figuring out what's with the guy.  You could ask him straight out if he ever has problems with people thinking he is gay, if you get close enough to ask.

[Angelgirl4573]

Oh and to answer one of your first questions. The mutual friend between the 2 of us actually told me that this poor guy can't seem to keep a good relationship. Every girl he's ever dated has either given up instantly or dated him for a few months then cheated. I asked the friend if he ever thought this guy might be alittle to feminine and he pretty much believes that he's just an extremely feminine strait guy. Then I've got other friends..both guy and girl alike..that believe there is no such thing.

[Angelgirl4573]

First off, thank you so much for your advice that you've given me already. It has all been very helpful so far. :-)

So here's the deal. I stopped talking to my dad for 5 years over a personal family issue that involved his then wife. A big part of me doesn't want to do anything to cause tension between the two of us. At the same time I deserve to be happy, I know that. I can sit down and tell my dad in advance, "Look this guy I am talking to right now is a sweetheart and he treats me right. So please don't do anything to ruin it or we'll have problems". Trouble is, even if he agrees then, but still says rude things to him..I can't just avoid him. My older brother and I live together and our dad comes over every single weekend. So it's kinda hard to avoid him.

I personally believe the biggest reason my dad acts this way is because he only ever liked one of my boyfriends. He was the first one my dad gave the benefit of the doubt and that particular boyfriend ended up playing us all for a fool. So now..dad has this "Every guy is the same" attitude. That's supposed to be how I feel..not my father.

Either way, I will continue to spend time with this guy and I will continue to develop our relationship. Which ever direction it goes..I won't mind. Perhaps I should sit him down and warn him of exactly how my dad can act. Or maybe just never introduce him to my dad until I feel comfortable enough. Ughh..so complicated.

[AnnieBrooke]

Angelgirl, if your father is rude and cutting to every guy you date, this is a systemic problem that doesn't have much to do with your new guy's voice or even with the new guy; it has to do with your dad and every guy.  Sure, this guy's voice gives a big, easy target for your rude brother and your dad to attack, but if he was perfect in every other way, you would be willing to walk away from your dad at a family gathering if he makes snide remarks, right?  You'd just say to your guy, "Come on, we're leaving."  I'm thinking that it is a bigger problem that your father is acting like a jerk to every guy you date.  He is not your boyfriend, after all.  Or do you think he thinks he is?  I'd address him getting in your business so much that he is an a.h. to guys you are dating.  My father in law would sit all of my sister in law's dates down and ask them about their life in an interested and supportive way, and they'd go out to lunch or other friendly things.  Where is THAT dad for you?  I'd consider telling your dad that it's time for him to start getting his act together and respecting your dates, or he won't be seeing that much of you.

[AnnieBrooke]

RockRose, maybe someone else wrote in about the same guy.  LOL

[Angelgirl4573]

Hello there Rose..no this is the first time I've ever posted this on here. I did write a question of Yahoo Answers that was basically the same, but I didn't get any answers, so I came here.

I honestly don't know why I am stressing about this so highly right now anyhow. I mean we aren't even dating and we've only hung out a few times, but I know he's highly interested in me. As he has told me so. I personally don't think it's him so much. I really like him and I know with time I could learn to love him and his voice.

My problem is nobody quite understands my dad like I do. Every single guy I've tried to date my dad down grades and treats like crap. He finds flaws in them and uses that. I just know my dad would attack him because of his voice. I could never stop talking to my dad though. Mostly because I know the only reason he feels the need to scare guys off is because I did hit rock bottom after my break up. He's trying to protect me. Should I sit down and express my feelings to him? Yea my brother made a comment about his voice, but he will eventually get over it and be nice. It's my dad I am afraid of...I don't wanna put this poor guy in that position. :-(

[RockRose]

Angel,  I feel so strongly that you've posted here before,  this exact story,  different name.  

If you're  not the same poster,   I'll give you the same advice I think  gave the other poster with the very same problem.  

This isn't going to work unless you leave your family.  I think you'll have to make a choice,  this guy or the men in your family.  

If you yourself are very attracted to him,   and he's a wonderful match,  it's worth considering. If you yourself don't really find him all that attractive but you think he's a sweet good guy and you feel guilty for rejecting him for his voice,  um,  not worth considering.

BTW - voices are powerful attractors.  I LOVE my husband's voice.   If you're fine with this man's voice,  consider him.   But you won't be able to have him around your family.

[AnnieBrooke]

Incidentally, a man with a high estrogen level in his system might sound more like a woman and still not feel gay.  If you are having a heart-to-heart about this, you could ask him if he ever got his hormone levels tested, not just testosterone but estrogen too.

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, if you and the guy wind up as a couple, it will occur to even the dimmest dad and brothers after a while that he is not gay.  That is, if you're sleeping together.  But it kind of sounds like you wonder also.  I guess I'd let the relationship unfold and see where it goes, letting your dad and brothers be the least of your worries.  If the voice is a deal-breaker for YOU, that is what counts.  Why not have a talk with him about it as you two get more comfortable with each other?  Just ask him how he knows so much about purses, fashion, hairstyles, etc.  Or ask him how he fends off gay men.  (He might say he doesn't.)  What does the mutual friend say about him?