Aa
Mother Attachment
Hi guys,
I feel I have an unhealthy obsession andI'm going to try and write it all out now. So I have a stepfather for 11 years but I have absolutely HATED him he has gone from belittling me and other women, to stealing from my mum, lying to her face and saying he was working but going to the pokies everyday for month, stealing from my grandfather, playing video games and screaming at the top of his lungs all the swear words you can think of while breaking and throwing things and getting angry at me for things I can't help and my mother has said I can do.
Basically mum ended it because of this string of things for at least 3 months until he got help, well 2 months later and he is coming back. Right now we live in a granny flat with my grandfather and we are separated in houses. My grandfather owns the houses, and said my stepfather won't come back. Now mum is moving out to be with my stepfather and I can't even think if going back every time I do I want to cry and vomit. I hate him so much and mum doesn't see that faults. They spend all weekend together already (Haven't moved out yet). When I point out he was always on video games and never spent time with her before (he's 46 btw) she say that's my fault. Pretty much anything we get into a fight over is MY fault and it has pushed me to my breaking limit. This is their fourth split btw and every time he has been better (lies).
I love my mum to bits and I'm way too attached to her and I think that's why I don't want my stepfather coming back too but I honestly can't bear the though and as i'm reading this i'm almost crying. I feel lonely and secluded a lot and I feel it will be even more that way when we move out. She is treating my stepfather like a God again and i'm thrown to the wayside (like always) and I just want to shut off my emotions. I have started seeing a therapist but anything I tell my mum she says mum ignores or does it anyway. I talk to my mum constantly about not wanting him back and how sick it makes me feel but she says she is picking herself. I'm so unhappy and I just want to move out but I love my mum so much and I'm too young.
My mum and I have always had a love/ hate relationship and we fight more often then not she picks a lot on me about my weight and I feel like I have a mentally abusive relationship with her. She has really been the only constant in my life because I have no dad. I go to her for everything and I HATE when she sees or speaks to my 'stepdad' on the phone.
I just want to know what to do to lessen my attachment to her because I don't want it anymore, I feel this relationship is toxic. I am an only child and only have my nan/mum/grandfather.
I feel I have an unhealthy obsession andI'm going to try and write it all out now. So I have a stepfather for 11 years but I have absolutely HATED him he has gone from belittling me and other women, to stealing from my mum, lying to her face and saying he was working but going to the pokies everyday for month, stealing from my grandfather, playing video games and screaming at the top of his lungs all the swear words you can think of while breaking and throwing things and getting angry at me for things I can't help and my mother has said I can do.
Basically mum ended it because of this string of things for at least 3 months until he got help, well 2 months later and he is coming back. Right now we live in a granny flat with my grandfather and we are separated in houses. My grandfather owns the houses, and said my stepfather won't come back. Now mum is moving out to be with my stepfather and I can't even think if going back every time I do I want to cry and vomit. I hate him so much and mum doesn't see that faults. They spend all weekend together already (Haven't moved out yet). When I point out he was always on video games and never spent time with her before (he's 46 btw) she say that's my fault. Pretty much anything we get into a fight over is MY fault and it has pushed me to my breaking limit. This is their fourth split btw and every time he has been better (lies).
I love my mum to bits and I'm way too attached to her and I think that's why I don't want my stepfather coming back too but I honestly can't bear the though and as i'm reading this i'm almost crying. I feel lonely and secluded a lot and I feel it will be even more that way when we move out. She is treating my stepfather like a God again and i'm thrown to the wayside (like always) and I just want to shut off my emotions. I have started seeing a therapist but anything I tell my mum she says mum ignores or does it anyway. I talk to my mum constantly about not wanting him back and how sick it makes me feel but she says she is picking herself. I'm so unhappy and I just want to move out but I love my mum so much and I'm too young.
My mum and I have always had a love/ hate relationship and we fight more often then not she picks a lot on me about my weight and I feel like I have a mentally abusive relationship with her. She has really been the only constant in my life because I have no dad. I go to her for everything and I HATE when she sees or speaks to my 'stepdad' on the phone.
I just want to know what to do to lessen my attachment to her because I don't want it anymore, I feel this relationship is toxic. I am an only child and only have my nan/mum/grandfather.
I'm glad to hear that the transition has been made, and you're being a trooper and looking at it not being as bad as you thought. A glass half full kind of gal will go far in this life. AnnieB is right. Mourn and grieve the losses that you've endured, but be excited for your future. Be in complete control of what goes on now for you. Read red flags, and never allow yourself to settle for anyone that doesn't pass muster. You need to learn about co dependent relationships. That's the relationship that you had with your mother. That's what she taught you as a mother and you need to understand where you came from so that you can control where you're going in future relationships. I think it might be a good idea for you to talk to a female therapist about what's gone on with your mom and dad. They will help you to understand fully and grieve your loss. . I know that an unsatisfactory relationship with my mother set off a string of really bad relationships as a result. and i sure wish i had of had a place to find closure from my humble beginnings, before i was set to go out into the world on my own. A female therapist will also help to nurture you , with a female spirit who is capable of nurturing you. I really think it would do wonders for you to seek out therapy so that you can find closure. and adapt to being positive (now that you won't have negative influences in your life).
Please keep your thread alive and let us know how you're doing.
Please keep your thread alive and let us know how you're doing.
One other thing to remember. It's OK to grieve for the archetype. When we're little we read books and they feature Mommy and Daddy and love and fun and understanding, and we buy that this is the norm, and if it is not in our lives, we want it and go to all kinds of fantasies to try to make it. You got the sucky end of the stick in this ideal-family department, an absent dad and a simply horrible mom. Grieve, because it's unfair. I do hope for you that life never gives you a bigger unfairness. What you make of your life going forward is totally up to you. Don't waste one more moment trying to make her be who she is so obviously not and make the situation be what you want it to be. That, you can't do. What you can do is cut the emotional drain from this point forward, no matter what has come before.
All the best.
All the best.
She hardly even deserves the name of mother. I'll tell you a story, my stepmom, who was a warm and loving person, called her own mother "the woman who gave birth to me," because that was about all her mother did for her. She was raised by her grandmother, and to that woman went the credit for her own life being normal.
Good luck, take care of yourself like you are convalescing from a long, stressful time, because you are. You need to take care of you, especially mentally. Don't give it all over to a guy to fill the need for love that you didn't get from your mom, stay balanced. Read books about this kind of thing, talk to a therapist, and stay healthy.
(((HUGS))) Annie
Good luck, take care of yourself like you are convalescing from a long, stressful time, because you are. You need to take care of you, especially mentally. Don't give it all over to a guy to fill the need for love that you didn't get from your mom, stay balanced. Read books about this kind of thing, talk to a therapist, and stay healthy.
(((HUGS))) Annie
It's true, your attachment, although it needs to have run it course for your own health, is natural. It is your mother that has an "attachment disorder" i'm afraid. She may or may not grow out of it. You need to get on with your life, surround yourself with good friends that want to get ahead in life, and you'll find your home and your heart will be as one. Then you will find a partner and bring children into a non co dependent relationship. You have time and need to read about co dependence so that you can raise yourself (your inner child) and your own children. You can do it all for yourself. You don't need your mother to help you get to a safe and happy life. It's had and it's sad, but it's not un doable. You will over compensate for your losses by finding a compassionate lover and father to your own children. A man that has no similar attachment disorder, will be able to nurture you in your life and make you stronger, but you need to make sure that the relationship that you've had with your mother has not harmed you in ways that will disallow you to getting into such a nurturing relationship. You may need to talk to someone.
1 Comments
It's hard and it's sad...
If not online I'm sure they are on Amazon, probably at good prices if you pick up used copies. If you move in with your grandparents (which I recommend because they know the situation better than your uncle, and he might not be well prepared to cope with a 16-year-old's pent-up distress) you shouldn't have a lot of trouble transitioning, because they are familiar. Just take good care of yourself, get a lot of sleep, read, and try to relax, and keep up your schoolwork (it sounds funny but the discipline of doing it can help pull you through).
Thankyou, are these books online? I would like to read them.
I have done 'silly' things to get attention and I shouldn't. I am having troubles deciding what to do because when my stepdad isn't around my mum is pretty amazing.
I have done 'silly' things to get attention and I shouldn't. I am having troubles deciding what to do because when my stepdad isn't around my mum is pretty amazing.
I agree with Annie's book recommendation, and want to add "Ten Stupid Things Girls Do To Mess Up Their Lives" by the same author.
Your last sentence makes me think you are doing things you regret.
Dr. Laura is a bit overwhelming, but her love comes through in her advice.
Your last sentence makes me think you are doing things you regret.
Dr. Laura is a bit overwhelming, but her love comes through in her advice.
Again, I know it is not right too, and am sad that this is the way of your life. All you can do is try to get yourself on an even keel, and resolve never to buy in to messages that discount you. You are as good of a person as anyone on this earth, and better than some. A radio advice guru, "Dr. Laura," wrote a book a while ago called "Bad Childhood, Good Life." I haven't read it and don't always agree with her approach (she's kind of conservative and very confrontational with her callers), but that book has been well reviewed. You might want to check it out. Your main difficulty will be to keep a positive image of yourself and to value yourself, in the face of a person so important to you (your mom) not only not helping you do this, but actively failing to help. Behave as though you matter, and don't let anyone tell you differently or imply anything else, and you *will* matter.
(((HUGS)))
Annie
(((HUGS)))
Annie
I have talked to my uncle and he is very upset. He said I can move in with him if I need to. It depends where the houses are located because he is moving soon too and depends where my grandfather moves to too. I have had cases where I accept love I think I deserve already and I know it's not right.
It is the saddest thing in the world to have to acknowledge that your mother will never be the mother you want, but please remember that this does not mean you don't deserve a good mother. You just got a bad hand in the game, in terms of her. Actively work to find someone else to nurture you, and by this I do NOT mean find someone who will take advantage of you, and you accept this because it feels more like love than what you have gotten. That's why I think the grandparent option sounds good. They doubtless love you more unconditionally than your mother does, and you could use some of that.
Do you think I should contact my uncle and ask to go for coffee with him soon?
1 Comments
Serenity, that is a good idea. If you trust him not to go straight to your Mom,. I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing. It took my many many years to realize that I was in denial about how I was treated as a child. Someone else had to say. Your Mom is never going to be the Mom you want or deserve. I am crying as I say this but it is true. Some people should not be mothers. If they are not prepared to be affectionate, loving, sacrifice for their children they shouldn't do it. Again, I am sorry, you are right, it is not going to change.
Take care sweetie, Dee
Take care sweetie, Dee
On your profile page it says that you're 19, so if you are you can stay where you want. How old are you? What year are you in school?
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I'm 16, I clicked the wrong number and can't change it. I'm in Australia and have a year and half left. It's hard admitting this and reading this because I still love her and I don't want it to be this way.
I'm glad that you've received some really good advice here. I'm glad that you're in therapy right now and are able to talk all of this out.
I'm sorry that you're mother is obsessed with a co dependent relationship. You should read up on what a co dependent relationship looks like and how it affects children growing up in that type of environment.
God doesn't make mistakes honey. You were not a mistake at all. Your parents suffer from dysfunction, but you were not a mistake and are not a mistake. You need to focus mainly on your education right now, so that you can look after yourself and not have to be with a man to do so.
It wont' be too long until you're out of high school and you need to go on to a post secondary education so that you will have your own resources to have a good life. If you must be with your mother and this man , stay away from them and concentrate on what you need to do for school. In summer, look for a part time job, be it a dog walker, baby sitter, fast food whatever, keep busy doing what you need to do. if your uncle would take you in, that means that he cares about you and wants to help. it might be a good option. He would have to feel that your mother was not capable for him to offer, so you will have in him a supporter. He may be able to give you the direction and guidance and love that you need to do your best. if it's an option i think you should consider it. And of course stay close to grampa.
Be aware of what is wrong with your mother and this man, and let it go from your life. Concentrate on what will make you strong. Let your mother know that you no longer want her to make comments about your body image. Talk to your counselor about how to bring it up to your mom to make her stop belittling you about your weight. And how to handle her talking to her choice of partner.
Let us know how you're doing. and please keep this thread open so we can all stay in touch.? Keep your chin up. You'll be 18 soon, and you need to talk about colleges in your near future. So do good in school.
I'm sorry that you're mother is obsessed with a co dependent relationship. You should read up on what a co dependent relationship looks like and how it affects children growing up in that type of environment.
God doesn't make mistakes honey. You were not a mistake at all. Your parents suffer from dysfunction, but you were not a mistake and are not a mistake. You need to focus mainly on your education right now, so that you can look after yourself and not have to be with a man to do so.
It wont' be too long until you're out of high school and you need to go on to a post secondary education so that you will have your own resources to have a good life. If you must be with your mother and this man , stay away from them and concentrate on what you need to do for school. In summer, look for a part time job, be it a dog walker, baby sitter, fast food whatever, keep busy doing what you need to do. if your uncle would take you in, that means that he cares about you and wants to help. it might be a good option. He would have to feel that your mother was not capable for him to offer, so you will have in him a supporter. He may be able to give you the direction and guidance and love that you need to do your best. if it's an option i think you should consider it. And of course stay close to grampa.
Be aware of what is wrong with your mother and this man, and let it go from your life. Concentrate on what will make you strong. Let your mother know that you no longer want her to make comments about your body image. Talk to your counselor about how to bring it up to your mom to make her stop belittling you about your weight. And how to handle her talking to her choice of partner.
Let us know how you're doing. and please keep this thread open so we can all stay in touch.? Keep your chin up. You'll be 18 soon, and you need to talk about colleges in your near future. So do good in school.
I would give the granddad option a try too. Sounds like a great plan.
Serenity, you're stuck in a tug of war with your own mind trying to see your mother as an appropriate mother, and trying to force her into that role. She isn't one.
It may be that way down the road in the future she'll recover and you'll have a better relationship, but now I think you need to try the secondary plan. Your first choice, of "want to be normal and live with my mother" isn't going to happen. You can live with her, but it won't be "normal". Second best, you could live with your grandpa and it would be probably much more affirming.
Having a capable loving mother is a fabulous gift. But if you don't have that, the next best plan isn't to cling to that incapable mother, the next best plan is to find another loving adult who can be your parent.
Best wishes. This isn't about you, and how lovable you are, this is about your mother, and how broken she is.
Serenity, you're stuck in a tug of war with your own mind trying to see your mother as an appropriate mother, and trying to force her into that role. She isn't one.
It may be that way down the road in the future she'll recover and you'll have a better relationship, but now I think you need to try the secondary plan. Your first choice, of "want to be normal and live with my mother" isn't going to happen. You can live with her, but it won't be "normal". Second best, you could live with your grandpa and it would be probably much more affirming.
Having a capable loving mother is a fabulous gift. But if you don't have that, the next best plan isn't to cling to that incapable mother, the next best plan is to find another loving adult who can be your parent.
Best wishes. This isn't about you, and how lovable you are, this is about your mother, and how broken she is.
If she has been with this guy for 11 years, it is unlikely she will break it off now. Also, if he has been there for 2/3rds of your life, that *is* "normal," even if you don't like it. It is not like she will turn into Mother of the Year if he is no longer in her life. I would give the grandparent option a try, you will certainly like it more than living with your stepdad.
My grandfather wants me to try live with them for 2 months but I would prefer not to but I also just want to be normal and live with my mother.
You are saying you think you cannot live with your grandfather because you are 16 and your mother wouldn't give permission? Is there such a thing where you live as an emancipated minor? If so, you might look into getting that status. Then you could move where you want and she could not prevent it.
I know she is selfish and everyone says she should put her child before her to me but her friends and the people she talks to say it's normal. He is a horrible man, I pushed my father away at 10 after he would pick me up for our designated weekend twice a month and drop me off at my grandmothers the whole weekend then pick me up to bring me home and say he saw me. I was a one night stand baby that was a mistake.
I have no other family that I believe would take me in and my only other family is my mum's brother (my uncle). He might take me in, but we aren't very close and it would be awkward. I want to pull away from my mum but I find it hard, I invited her for lunch and she said yes then I reminded her last night and she 'Oh, I have no money because i'm going to breakfast with your "stepdad" on sunday morning." She is trying to start up an alcohol collection like the one my stepdad's family has and is spending all the money on that. I'm very close to my ending point with this and just want to move out badly.
I have no other family that I believe would take me in and my only other family is my mum's brother (my uncle). He might take me in, but we aren't very close and it would be awkward. I want to pull away from my mum but I find it hard, I invited her for lunch and she said yes then I reminded her last night and she 'Oh, I have no money because i'm going to breakfast with your "stepdad" on sunday morning." She is trying to start up an alcohol collection like the one my stepdad's family has and is spending all the money on that. I'm very close to my ending point with this and just want to move out badly.
I'm 16. I want to live with my grandfather but mum will not allow it. She thinks I have no reason to dislike my stepdad except for him taking her time, and has made me believe i'm crazy obsessed with her.
I can't at the moment. My grandmother has only dementia and finds it hard to live normally and my grandfather want me to move in with him, but then mum started a fight with him so I have to move in with her for at least two months which I feel will be the worst two months of my life. My mother has this idea in her head we are a perfect family because he doesn't hit us.
I have no idea what to do anymore and I just want to move in with my grandfather, my mum seduces me to move in with her by saying I can paint my room and get new furniture.
I have no idea what to do anymore and I just want to move in with my grandfather, my mum seduces me to move in with her by saying I can paint my room and get new furniture.
I know how much it hurts to feel like your parent does not care about you. It probably doesn't help for someone else like me to say she is horribly selfish and should be ashamed of herself, but she is. A parent is supposed to sacrifice her own wants for the good of her child, and she is sacrificing you for her own wants. Not to mention making a pretty crummy choice in men, but if you have no father in the picture, it sounds like she has made poor choices there all her life.
Besides your grandparents, is there any other family member who cares about you with whom you could live, if you don't live with them? Because it is super clear that you should cut the cord and not try to live with your mom. I'm so sorry, in the natural course of events, the parent and child do part, but usually it is after many years of nurturing by the parent and the child finally grows up and feels the urge to pull away despite the parent wanting to hold on. In your case, you don't have that big cushion of being well cared for to bolster you as you pull away. But, sweetheart, you do have to pull away from her for your own well-being. I am so sorry. I am glad you have a counselor, please talk about this, about how you can develop a sense that you are a worthy and important person despite your mom not doing much to help you feel that way. And listen when the people who love you, such as your grandparents, tell you that you are good. You did not deserve this, and I hope you can find a way to keep an even keel while you deal with it.
Besides your grandparents, is there any other family member who cares about you with whom you could live, if you don't live with them? Because it is super clear that you should cut the cord and not try to live with your mom. I'm so sorry, in the natural course of events, the parent and child do part, but usually it is after many years of nurturing by the parent and the child finally grows up and feels the urge to pull away despite the parent wanting to hold on. In your case, you don't have that big cushion of being well cared for to bolster you as you pull away. But, sweetheart, you do have to pull away from her for your own well-being. I am so sorry. I am glad you have a counselor, please talk about this, about how you can develop a sense that you are a worthy and important person despite your mom not doing much to help you feel that way. And listen when the people who love you, such as your grandparents, tell you that you are good. You did not deserve this, and I hope you can find a way to keep an even keel while you deal with it.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, I'm sorry as well. How old are you?
I agree that perhaps living with your grandfather might be a good decision if this is too stressful.
I agree that perhaps living with your grandfather might be a good decision if this is too stressful.
1 Comments
Hey guys, just wanted to say it's all happened. I was out with a friend and she came to pick me up with my 'stepdad' so we fought because he just sets me off and he started screaming at me. We came home and I went to my grandfather he told my 'stepdad' to leave but he fought back and mum said she was leaving with him- she packed up and came out and vocally abused me before leaving. I'm upset but it isn't as bad as it could have been honestly. It's the first night but its not awful. I think this is needed, thanks for all the advice she is an awful mother
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I think you need to look at your attachment more positively, and maybe that will help you get through it. Given your situation and life experience, your strong attachment to your mother is to be expected, and the product of a healthy coping survival mechanism. Healthy children cling tightly to their parents, and usually the situation looks different because parents cling back. If your mother were clinging back, and thinking of you first, and working to keep you safe and secure, your situation would look normal. So it's her, not you, who is behaving oddly.
Children whose mothers don't put them first suffer greatly. This is HARD.
I think maybe one of the first steps is to see that your mother DOES see his faults, and she doesn't care. With all his obvious faults, she prefers him over her own daughter's well being. And that's not a statement about you, it's a statement about her.
Can you live with your grandma and grandpa?
I think you need to look at your attachment more positively, and maybe that will help you get through it. Given your situation and life experience, your strong attachment to your mother is to be expected, and the product of a healthy coping survival mechanism. Healthy children cling tightly to their parents, and usually the situation looks different because parents cling back. If your mother were clinging back, and thinking of you first, and working to keep you safe and secure, your situation would look normal. So it's her, not you, who is behaving oddly.
Children whose mothers don't put them first suffer greatly. This is HARD.
I think maybe one of the first steps is to see that your mother DOES see his faults, and she doesn't care. With all his obvious faults, she prefers him over her own daughter's well being. And that's not a statement about you, it's a statement about her.
Can you live with your grandma and grandpa?
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