My Boyfriend is Addicted to Porn

[sammie_s]

Okay my question is this.  I have been with this guy for a year and a half.  I didn't really know anything about him when we got together and about four months after we were together I realized things had gotten weird in the relationship.  Then one day I heard noises from the other room; sexual noises.  I got really upset because I knew what was going on after a few minutes.  I ended up in tears and didn't have the courage to confront him.  I finally did confront him about some pictures of his ex and the porn I found.  He said he watched it for education.  I knew better but I believed him.  Well, it has gotten really bad.  I finally broke down and told him if he wanted to watch it then he could at least include me in on it.  I thought that would keep him from lying to me and going behind my back.  It hasn't.  I asked him about it one day when I got home from running his errands and he denied it but I am positive that's what he was doing.  He downloads something new every day or at least every day he knows I am at work and probably won't see it.  It really bothers me that he has to lie to me about it.  Then when we do anything together I feel like a used rag doll after.  He tells me he loves me so why does he lie to me and make me feel like ****.  I have told him it makes me feel bad about myself and it's like he doesn't care.  I am to the point that I am ready to leave.  Should I just pack my stuff and get out?  I mean he obviously isn't going to change and it hurts me everyday I find more.  I need some real help here.

[CheyanneLee]

I have been having the same problem with my boyfriend and his porn addiction. I have been with him for 4 years, when we first moved in together I found a few porn DVD's in one of his gym bags...I didn't really think much of it and figured he hadn't watched them in a long time, as time went on when we were living together...THEN...thats when I started to notice that this is way more than just a typical guy looking at porn every once in a great while, I looked at the history on our computer and would see all these porn sites he visited, I didn't say anything to him about it at first, then he would wait till I would fall asleep and he would order porn movies from on demand, when the cable bill came...then I confronted him about it and he said that he was "sorry" and the only reason he did that was because he was "bored" and "couldn't sleep", but he kept doing it and it would make me think "WTF" because we would have sex everyday, I could understand if a guy was single and lonely, maybe someone who hasn't had sex in a long time would look at it, but when my boyfriend does...it makes me feel like our sex life isn't good enough for him or I'M not good enough for him, he would always tell me not to "take it personal" and would say "its not like im cheating on you or anything" well to me..it sort of is cheating, he goes behind my back and does it, he lies to me about it, I always know when he lies about looking at porn cause when I ask him about it..he can't even look me in the eye and has the word "GUILTY" written all over him. I have even caught him masturbating looking at porn late at night and he didn't realize I was standing right behind him as he was doing that, then once he saw me, he stopped and then changed the channel..and whe I said "wtf are you doing?" he said "what? i wasn't masturbating, I was scratching my leg" bullsh** what makes me the most angry is he thinks he can insult my intelligence. I am at the point where he has to make a choice..its either me or looking at trashy women who don't even know he exsists. I can no longer just sit back and let this go on when it hurts my feelings everytime he looks at that crap.

[jlq0630]

     I completely agree with you and I don't care much for the "therapist's" answer.  When porn gets in the way of a having a healthy sex life with your partner it IS a serious problem!  I think the only hope is a serious committment on the man's part to get help for this problem.  You'll definately know either way if he's serious about working things out with you.  I don't know if I can stay with him knowing what I know now because I feel betrayed and cheated out of a healthy sex life.  time will tell I guess....

[michaelangelonez]

Basically you are not ready to leave him. You don't sound like you are convinced enough. Try getting him to seek help as he is obviously addicted. Also try and get through some of your fantasies together. Being in a relationship does not mean not having fun. If that does not work and you can see that it will affect your life and future then end it. Not knowing who you will get into a relationship with in the future should not be a deciding factor.

Good luck

[munecamya]

I dont know what to tell you but I did experiece the things u are. except i waas pregnant and he watched porn behind my back. i didnt find out until my ninth month and he said he knew it was wrong. the deal is that the longer they watch the more sick minded they become and the more they watch. my daughter is turning three in a few days and i was outta town i just got home to see MY computer to have porn while I was gone, I have argued in the past and he claims to know its wrong. So i stayed. yet if they know its wrong why continue? being pregnant makes us feel unatractive even after labor.. So think about how bad ull feel wen he masturbates to porn instead of respecting uand ur baby.. trust me u feel horrible. one fat because of baby, and two ur man is watching other girls intead of u. THis harmed my self esteem and for three yrs ive put up with it..and trust me it feels worse to leave later because u trust n he fails u trust again. and he fails. u end up being weaker than what u are right now that ur pregnant. Id say plz think about it!

[specialmom]

I think you miss the point of addiction Nancy,  it isn't about sex.  It is about release and it is about hiding and it is about using something to keep emotion at bay and to escape.  He's unhealthy emotionally if he is addicted to porn.  Addiction to porn isn't just viewing it occasionally and enjoying it but that it is a prominent role in your life to the detriment of other relationships.  His only bet to recover is psychological and addiction counseling and unless you look at it that way, you'll never win the battle.  It isn't about you in a wig, it is about his emotional need to escape.  And prepare yourself, if he kicks porn addiction, it often reverts to another method of self medicating.  You live with someone unhealthy and that you have taken it upon yourself to think it has something to do with you (desperation to change your hair color, dress up and pretend to be someone you aren't) tells me that you are codependent.  Some counseling for you would be very very helpful for giving you clarity.  I do with you well but you need to keep in mind what is really going on here and it isn't about you.  good luck

[Nancy383267]

Here's a problem, my husband is also addicted to porn. So much so that we rarely have sex. In the past year only 10 times or so and he jacks off at least twice a day. I have of course tried to discuss it with him, tried to explain how it makes me feel to know that he is more interested in his hand and a computer screen than in me. He simply says all guys do it, and there is nothing wrong with it blah blah blah. And overall I would agree, if he only looked at porn when I wasn't home or available fine, great, i don't care. But to constantly choose porn over me, come on there must be something wrong. And before any of you men say its a matter of attractiveness, don't. I take very good care of myself, and keep in good shape etc. and I have only once in our entire relationship turned him down for sex, because I was feeling sick. ONE TIME!! If it was my choice we would be having sex at least 5 times a week. And here's the worst part, I decided to check out what exactly it is that he looks at (hopeful that I might be able to imitate it and make him choose me instead) and its all MILF porn. He likes to look at women more than twice my age and blonde with huge *****.....exclusively. So I have tried talking to him a couple times offered to dress up in costumes, offered to bleach my hair blonde (I'm a brunette) offered to fulfill any fantasy he has if he will just share it. And here's what he told me, he doesn't want me to be like that. Essentially, he wants me, his wife, to be pure and sweet, and brunette, (which I am) and no dirty stuff. Basically he wants one woman as his wife and the mother of his children, and he wants an old blonde woman who dresses up in costumes and takes it in the *** as his sexual fantasy. So where does this leave me? Yes he loves me but I am not attractive to him sexually. And he doesn't want me to be, in fact he won't let me try to become his fantasy. He wants his love and his sex life separate. And since he won't cheat (thankfully), he masterbates constantly and we never have sex.....what can I do?