My adult son hates me!

[mlou440]

Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son.  I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else.  I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.

I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou

[Verysadmum]

Thanks cant sleep as I have not spoken to my son for over a year ,many of the things you describe I can relate to.I am 65 he is 40 ,I raised him myself ,his father was an alcoholic but he always preferred his father even though his father didn't pay any child support. This story goes on and on. But I've had enough ...I have two grandchildren that I cant see....its very sad..but thanks some how reading what you wrote. Made me feel as though some one could relate...My story is way to long  and its basically the same sad old story of a disrespectful kid.There is no end to his abusiveness and he will only use my granddaughters to emotional hurt me..like dangling a carrot ..( if he gets his own way)

[Trimu]

Go ahead and write your story the same way you posted your comment

[meggsy69]

Kinder, I couldn't have said it better myself, I don't feel so alone knowing I am not alone in this.

[Breahdon]

I agree I am going thru this with my son at the moment...he has verbally abused me as well as mentally and emotionally...and on a couple of occasions he has gotten physical with me.  He goes from loving me when he is needing something to hating me when he is angry and like the other stories I am reading  of course it is all my fault and I was a horrible mother who ruined his life.  truth is I also relate as most of these other  mothers do as...having memories of giving everything I could to my son and even in times that I could not really afford to fulfill a wish or desire of his.  I am so torn apart that my life seems it will  never be the same. I just pray and pray and pray that God somehow steps in and helps my son realize that all these accusations he has are not true. I also notice a rather strange odd behavior that he has taken on which is so out of the norm for him.  Sometimes I wonder if he is having a mental breakdown.  I tired to talk to him about seeing a doctor but he refuses saying he isn't the one with the problem that it is me and that I am a psycho *****.  I go from total hurt, anger and pain to a complete sense of hopelessness as I know he has to be suffering inside himself to have so much hate for me now.  As a single parent my son and I were the closest you could ask for...it was just almost like throwing a switch...one minute he is kind and loving and the next minute he is full of rage.  I have also noticed that these episodes are intensifying and the duration  of the anger in increasing and the kind and loving moments are growing further between.  I honestly have tormented myself to exhaustion trying to figure out what I did wrong.  Please pray for me and my son.  He has always been my entire world.  I am somehow comforted in finding this thread and knowing that it is not just me that is going thru this as my son has informed me.  I pray God blesses each of you and that your hearts will again someday be filled with the love and the laugher of your loved ones.  Stay strong ladies and may God take away the pain and fill your emptiness.  Thank you. LLE

[meggsy69]

HI, I know exactly what you are going through, my son told me yesterday he wants nothing to do with me and I was a horrible mother...I have done nothing but support him emotionally and financially... He now has a relationship with his father who abandoned him in his early teens... Cut a long story short I have that empty sick lonely feeling... I can't bare it it hurts so much... He has blocked me from any way of contacting him....I have to put my phone on private so he answers (if he does) I just want to let go as I know its the right thing to do, but I just can't and it has made things so much worse!!!! I believe life is short and I do not hold grudges....I ask him to move on and he says every time we try I end up yelling at him again... It seems any word that comes out of my mouth is wrong.... Sometimes My mind is clear and if he wanted a relationship with me, his stepdad and his brother he would unblock us all... I think Tinker we just have to let go and hope our kids will eventually make contact when they are ready... Take it from me if you keep pushing them they pull further away... I have stuffed up big time :(

[Tinkerbellmomsand]

I started to google "my son hates me" in desperation.  Such a long story and hard to make it short.  Let me try......My son just turned 20 and I just tuned 41.  I raised my son and took him away form his drug addicted father at the age of about...hmm 4 or 5. It was for my sons best interest. I allowed my son to see his father when he was off the drugs. I have always been the back bone of the family, trying to keep my child  from harm, protecting him under my wing.  AS years went by, i became a little more relaxed on the parenting and ignored my child, around the age of 7 or 8. Not continuously ignoring him, but going out and parting was more important to me at the time. I am not sure why, i have no excuse. I saw myself doing what I was doing and stopped and paid more attention to my child. Apparently it was too late. My child was affected by my actions and no consistent relationship with his father, but very close with my family. My mother and my sister spoiled my son with love and I soon got back into my mother groove (got my head out of my ***) He was always getting into trouble at school. Not listening to the teacher, distracting other students and soon got himself suspended and soon after, expelled. I took my child to counseling for 2 years along with myself. within the next few years , he moved in with his dad....He was getting kicked out of school on a weekly basis and i couldn't take it anymore. I was having to leave work all the time to get him and put my job at risk. He was able to very well in school when he lived with his father so I let him stay as long as he he was doing well in school. Then it started getting bad with his father and i had him move back in with me where he lived for about 1.5 years. My boyfriend that i lived with at the time did not treat him very nice at all time and I found my self protecting my child and was looking t move but didn't have the money. Cory was once again getting kicked out of school and was again...EXPELLED so back to his fathers he went and started doing good in school again. I drove 100 miles every other weekend to get my child for about 4 years straight so i can still spend time with him. During that 4 years, i had moved out of my boyfriends and in with a friend where we shared rent and I would have my son over every other weekend. This was giving me time to save t live on my own so I could have him move back in with me, I was in no position to have him move back in with a roommate and I also wanted him to stay where he was because he was getting good grades. He then got arrested for tagging and was on probation for 2 years which set up back even further. another year had passed and I finally saved enough to get one bedroom...YES! I was on my way to have my kid with me again. He finally graduated and I made sure i invited any friend I could to his graduation (mind you I always made a big deal of his graduating,) even middle school. My mom and I were the only ones that showed up for that graduation, not even his father made it. Well, so many that loved him showed up for his HS graduation, I was sooo proud. His dad showed but took off and didn't even get to see him graduate.  a few months after he graduated, he asked me if he could move in with me...well of course you can, I was ecstatic, I couldn't wait. I told him he had to get a job first because he was 18 and he needed to learn responsibility . I even charged him $50.00 a month to get him use to paying a bill on a monthly basis. He got a job and kept it and paid his $50 a month. He started to slack off and bend my house rules. Seemed petty to him but not to me. You live under my roof, you live by my rules. He started to disrespect me, talking back and doing opposite of what he was asked.  He ended up dating his long time friend and ended up being BF and GF. She was allowed to come over and stay anytime she wanted, i adored her and thought she was good for him. When it came to Thanksgiving, my mom had invited them both over and they both said yes. GREAT all happy to have family together for the Holidays. Well he decided last minute (the day before) to tell me that they were not going to go and they were going to spend it with her family instead. I blew up and told him family comes first, you don't commit and then tell me you are spending it with her family instead. He decided to throw a fit and get in my face and scream at me with fists clenched, until he was red in the face and looked like he was about to pop. He was sooo angry it scared me. I kept telling he need s to spend time with his family, with his nana. He avoided her anytime could and only saw er about 4 times that year. to me, his priority's were really messed up. Well he left anyways and decided to move in with her and her family( NOW HIS FAMILY) He couldn't handle my rules. I can be pretty strict and rightfully so. it ook about a month but he finally came over to visit on Christmas and gave me a big long hug. Made me happy. Now this is where it gets bad. I told my son I would be claiming him on my taxes since I supported him all of 2014 and that when he filed he needed to file correctly, that he is being claimed as a dependent. Well a month goes by and he apparently did his taxes and was denied. Well he didn't do what i told him nor did he come and talk to me like an adult.  He filed incorrectly. He IMed me on Facebook, NO TEXT OR CALL and proceeded to yell at me, telling me i stole his tax money and that I am a money greedy mother and I always have been and that he wants nothing to do with me anymore. He then continued t text me from his GF's phone because his was shut off, after i had dropped him from my cell account after the first incident about Thanksgiving.  I had been paying for his phone for about 10 years  and finally dropped him after he moved in with his GF. His texts were very mean and had very little truth to them. Making me look like a horrible abusive mother that never cared for him. Keep in mind the past 12 years have been making him #1. I am the only one in his life that took him places, sharing memories such as movies, dinners, lunch, Disneyland and so forth. I did not understand why he was saying such mean things. Calling me a thief. So I filed an amendment and unclaimed him. He said he never wants anything to do with me and that he is done with me. This all happened last week and no word, no response to my IMs telling him I unclaimed him and he can do what he wants now. Nothing!!! I am sick to my stomach and I am so deeply hurt. He has now blocked me form everything, I have no way of reaching him. This may be for the best but I am having a real hard time letting this go or ride it out. I worked so hard to get where I am and he was apart of that journey and my reason for living, the reason i worked so hard.  He was my journey, my heart , my soul. I now live alone and feel the loneliest I have ever felt.

[Zopalopidas]

My son hates me but does not show it. Just treats me with contempt because I am female. He is 20 and life is hellish. I cannot stand the contempt. I know that he resents the fact that I live in the house and would prefer if I left.

[meggsy69]

I loved reading your story