My adult son hates me!

[mlou440]

Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son.  I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else.  I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.

I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou

[1sadmom]

God bless you. Your story sounds like mine. My two older kids, ages 18 and 22 have broken me, I give up. I just want to run away but I still have a 15 year old that is still pretty sweet and an amazing husband. If it weren't for them I would have left. I can easily see now why some parents just abandon their children. I no longer judge those parents I now feel for them. Thanks for your post and good luck.

[anonymous1925]

What is this a new thing that adult children are doing now a days.

Well I too am in this dilema only now am going to therapy to see
exactly how to handle all of this.  On top of it all I have been lied about
and it has reached people who used to go to school with me years and years ago
so now they won't speak to me,  But I know they're lying, when does it or will it
stop.  So I hope I don't have to say good bye to them as far as breaking ties, I am
praying they will just stop. Move on with their lives, even if it is without me.

[mimimila]

I'm just so glad I'm not alone in this... For me it sounds like my 19 yo is trying to find excuses to hate us.. It hurts so much, I literally have not slept in the last three months. We had problems when he hit puberty, but it was nothing compare to the cold silence nowadays.. I know at heart he's a good kid, he just needs to move on. But how on Earth they can afford independent living these days?

[ARIESXX]

YEP, you are right.
I got  the one son that hates me and (thanks God) the one son that loves me.
Today is my sons B-Day.
And for the first time in his 28 years on this earth, he is not getting a call, a card, an Email or text message from his mother.
Yes, I'm sad.
But will get over.

[Fabuloco]

You are correct! These kids today are ungrateful, mean and hateful. If I knew back then what I know now I would not have had children. I have two sons, 17 & 19 & they are polar opposites! I'm a single mother and I was married to their dad for 12 years. we have been divorced for 8 years. I provided everything to them and done the best that I could! We have always lived in a nice neighborhood and I've always had food andclose. Now my older son is so disrespectful! He has never been that way before. I don't know what is going on but our relationship is about to be over.I told him that he will need to leave here if he is going to be disrespectful and that's the end of it. If he does not want to have a relationship with me then that is his problem. I refuse to be manipulated and disrespected.

[pajamagramma]

My heart goes out to you because you both suffer abandonment issues. You because you had to do what you needed to do at the time of separation from his father in order to preserve yourself, and him because he feels that you left him to pick up the pieces.
Write him a letter about how you feel and ask for his forgiveness. Let him know, and except it yourself, that forgiveness in hurt families is the key to lasting peace. Believe me, he will want peace for himself too. Lastly, remind him that you love him and that there will always be a door open at YOUR home for him as long as you live.
It may take some time, but he will come around because he will grow up and eventually want to hear both sides of the story and that will afford you the opportunity to re-bond when he is ready and searching for answers.

[Lord_deliver]

I never liked the notion of blaming parents for one's life failures, but agree that most young adults resent their parents having money when they must struggle (I had to pay off $10,000 in lones for my master's and my parents had $400,000+and a sail boat...). Nevertheless, I tried to get along even when they disowned me for looking into a vocation as a nun between ages 19-23...Less than a year after my mother died (at 52, the same age I am now), my father was running off with a second gf, who talked him into "never lending money to family"(she had money and houses from 3 or 4 prior husbands as well, and wanted all my father's money too). The result was that my Dad wrote me out if his will, despite the fact he'd promised never to do that because I had always been there for him. I was angry, but my husband reminded me (rightly)that it was his choice to do as he pleased.  His gf's influence finally caused my father to zerox a letter to most of the family, cutting everyone off about 20 years ago...because she felt they didn't like her ( her obscene calls around midnight had much to do with any dislike!)

I wound up getting married and having one boy, now 20. After childbirth I got a muscular dystrophy + lupus and 5 yrs later my husband got cancer. Our son was very loving and sweet at first, but began bullying us several years into our illnesses. In front of my husband's death bed, my son (then 16) told me that he didn't care if I was in pain (fractures from my illness), was grinning, and dancing a "jig" about it! Afterwards, he'd usually say "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that" after hurting us, but never did reparation like his part of the chores.  Even when his Dad begged with tears for our son to say something caring about the cancer (and comming death), he'd say," It's too late at night to show I care" or other excuses. My husband finally felt fortunate that our son helped at all by staying at his bedside towards the end, but it was with such a terrible attitude.. Since both of us were Ill, we needed our son to be kind and help with some chores, but that still hasn't happened-- now 4 years since my husband's death! Instead, he'd play computer chess on my compuuter for hours- even if there was an urgent medical issue like my husband's tumor spurting blood. I got lung disease because he neglected any dusting I couldn't reach, and at 20 he still hasn't learned how to drive (!), so no matter how ill I get I must do everything myself. Meanwhile he's been telling people for years that he stayed here to "help his disabled mother..." and tells people he does all sorts of chores like Cinderella so that people think I'm terrible. I often beg God for escape!!!

Our society has disrespected mothers for a long, long time so I should have seen this comming. Look at shows like "th
E Andy Griffith Show" with people like " Aunt Bea." She takes care of everyone else, but if she were to be Ill for long she'd be useless. It's disheartening to hear all the adults who constantly talk trash about their dysfunctional parents because they "smother" or they want a relationship that now bores the young person... Our post sexual revolution set this up. Remember "Don't trust anyone over 30?" Before all that, many families lived like the Walton's. The only answer I can see is to make our own path, friends, and activities as much as possible. As ill as I am, I'm not sure how to escape this filthy prison where  my son has ecome the warden. I still love music, art, can still sing, but my heart is giving out and I wind up lying down- losing even the few friends I had when they hear the gossip...

I had to call police on my son for: stealing my cell phone, turning a hose on me, keeping me at home with threats of suicide, and saying such things as, "You deserve to DIE- a SLOW PAINFUL DEATH!"( having just watched my husband die that exact way!) He still blames me for two arrests and said a "sorry" but never really seemed to repent! Still living under my roof, my son has me in a FIX: when I start to take action to evict him, my heart acts up and I cannot function! He has chased away friends and I no longer have any human being on earth but this ungrateful, disrespectful, sarcastic, and cruel young man.  People say, "Just evict him!" ( which is exactly what would have happened if my husband was alive to support me), but nobody gets that I am physicaslly too weak to go to.court all over again and don't have one friend left now but God... I tried starting the process, and my heart started giving out. Then again, every time he abuses me, the same thing happens and I wind up in bed...Any advice would be appreciated. Really.