Avatar universal

My girlfriend and I broke up, said she could not have a relationship right now

(warning, kind of long)

Tonight my girlfriend and myself broke up. She said her reasoning was because she just felt she could not have a relationship right now. She has a lot on her plate and a lot of stress because of that and felt she knows she will be unable to muster up the energy to have a relationship which would in turn make her basically unable to be there emotionally as well as unable to be supportive.

She said she has felt this way for about a month, but just brought it up to me over this past weekend.  Now we have been dating for just over 3 months, we both love each other and both felt we met the love our of lives. We do live on opposite coats of the US (me the east, her the west) and we were making trips once a month out to each other and staying any where from 5 days to nearly two weeks. She has been married once before and is a single mother of two (a 4 year old, and a 2 year old. shared custody). She is currently enrolled with online classes to finish her degree so she can better provide for her children than she currently can. She is also repairing two broken relationships with her parents (one is currently the best it has been in years according to her, the other is still not so great, especially since he took issue with our long distance relationship.)

Now the past month, month and a half, her eldest child has had reoccurring issues in regards to behavior and even with sleeping (nap, and bed time), she lashes out when told no, she throws a tantrum by screaming, flailing around etc, as well as just an inability to fall asleep sometimes.

She said she has always had problems like this, but in the past month it has gotten worse, and has been even worse over the past week. She was told that her eldest child is no longer welcome at the daycare during nap time because of how disruptive she can be for the kids that are trying to sleep, and how she refuses to listen. She recently schedule an appointment with a child psychiatrist to try and help her out. The two year old is having her own issues, but it could just be because she is a two year old.

Now I get some of this things individually can be draining, together it can be maddening. I also get that maintaining a long distance relationship can also be a huge task, and that on top of the other things it can be an even larger task.

The thing is, she still said she loves me and cares about me and would like me in her life. I do feel the same way, but I am confused by how she held on for a month with out telling me how she felt cornered, stressed, and drained. She booked a ticket over a month ago to come out this past weekend to stay until the 4th of November. Ever since her kid had issues this past week she didnt feel comfortable leaving them. It took her until 6 hours before her flight this past Saturday, to make a decision. I was trying to find a way for us to see each other as well as her not leave the kids for too long, I proposed that she come for a few days and leave early and I would pay for the ticket if there was a charge for changing the flight. She said she would have to think about it, but eventually decided she was not coming. It turned into a bit of an argument, but eventually I just stayed quite about it because I could tell it wasnt that easy of a choice for her since it took so long. The same with us staying together or not. She said she had to think about things this past weekend, I asked her what she meant and she said about our relationship. It took her from saturday - today (tuesday/wed morning) to make her choice. I tried to find ways to make things easier for her, such as me going out there from now on since it would be easier to take care of an issue regarding her kids only being 15-20 miles away as opposed to nearly 3,000. Asking her how she felt with just taking the next month with a day by day sort of attempt and go from there. I said we both love and care for each other so we should be able to figure this out since we feel that way. Eventually she just said she thought about everything and tried to will herself to do all of that, but that she just felt she needs to focus on her family and school work and that a relationship is something she just can not do. She also said that love and caring arent enough to make a relationship work. I agree with her to an extent and told her that yea, love and caring only go so far, but trying to work things out because of that is what usually helps a relationship. I tried to reassure her that she was a great girlfriend, especially since she hopped on planes while having a huge fear of flying to the point of anxiety meltdowns the night before. she really was a good girlfriend and is a great person. I really dont have anything bad to say about her aside from me thinking she gave up a bit too easily.

additional info, we pretty much communicated through out the day, texting, phone calls on break, when her kids were napping and when they were sleeping, most of the days she didnt have them we would talk on the phone and or skype. we planned on me moving out there by march or February and try a two/three week run at her place to see if we could live together before I got my own place.  I was already looking for jobs. we were very optimistic about everything. when we fought, we would resolve issues pretty quickly, and if not, we would take a break to avoid yelling at one another.

I just would like people's opinions on which way was the right way to go, to end it, or to try and see how things would go knowing some of the issues she was having to a greater extent than I did before. we brought up the idea of maybe picking up where we left off, if possible, when she has most of the problems sorted out. I am also curious as to what I should do, forget about her?stay in contact and see how things go? stay in contact and try to remain friends?
15 Responses
Avatar universal
Sorry that this woman did step back so quickly. Long distance relationships are difficult and hard to maintain. It takes both being willing to sacrifice to make it work. Long distance relationships can also be scary due to this. Still it sounds like you were ready to sacrifice for this woman and that you truly cared about her. So yes I feel she gave up on a good thing in her chaotic life a bit quickly. But you know with how it sounds every relationship she has was strained or broken. Maybe she is scared that she will sacrifice for you only to hurt her. It could also be that she just feels like it would be selfish to ask you to come into her madness. Either way I agree she let go before she knew where it could lead.

Now as for what you should do. Typically people tell me I am crazy, but I feel you should follow your heart. When you talk about this girl it sounds like you would have done anything for her and truly felt for her. If this is the case and you feel that she is the only one for you, then I would keep in touch. Maybe play it day by day by still. Talk to her and be there for her. If she did split up over the madness then you just being a good friend and supportive may open the doors to a relationship once more. Also, if she broke it off over being scared of being hurt or what would come of this relationship you may reassure her that it was a healthy relationship by being a supportinve role in her life. If you love her and truly would give up everything for her then don't give up so quickly things may come back together.

Now at the same time, you cant let her use you. This means while you should keep in touch and be hopeful that the doors could open back up. Don't place your own happiness on hold for to long. What I mean is that if she seems distant or doesn't seem open to being friends. Then you may have to step back yourself and take a look at if what your heart wants can ever be. That is the part I struggle with is when to give up. But at the same time not giving up gave me my husband back. So I do believe that following your heart while not letting it over run your mind is the way to go. I will be praying that god gives you guidance. Good luck.
973741 tn?1342342773
I know it hurts but you must give her some space.  I feel like if she has kids that need her ----  then this is especially true.  Kids ALWAYS come first and I admire her for putting her son first even if she didn't tell you that was the specifically the reason--  to handle things.

You have no option but to let her be.  I think if you do more, you are invading her life in a negative way. she's told you what she wants. You have to respect that.

I also know that this kind of rings a bell.  I started dating someone and we were immediately 'in love' (which is a warning sign as love doesn't really work that fast usually) and he was VERY into me and I began to not feel the same.  It was hard because he felt I was the love of his life and I didn't feel that anymore but I was in the process of figuring it out.  Then when I was sure, I ended it.  You give very flowering statements as to why but the bottom line is that inside of her, it didn't feel right and she doesn't want to do it anymore.

That's what she has told you.  You have to accept it.  It is up to you if you want to try to rekindle it.  She sounds l like she has a lot on her plate and doesn't really need a dating distraction.  That's just my opinion.  She's a mom.  That is her top priority.  

good luck
3149845 tn?1506627771
When there is true love, nothing gets in the way. I would not sit around waiting and wondering.
Also if youve done this to a girl before (broken up with them) just reflect back on your true feelings for them as may shed some light on her true feeling for you.
973741 tn?1342342773
See, I view love differently.  It's an emotion and not a tangible thing.  I've left someone I truly loved because things weren't right.  Things DID get in the way for me and I loved this person dearly.  But I'm practical and understand that not everything is meant to be.  good luck
Avatar universal
What she told him was that she still loved him and needed him in her life. That to me is a sign that she wasn't 100 percent sure. Also, in the end she said that the relationship just felt like it was to much to take on with school and all the other madness in her life. If this man loves her and can be the stable part of her life then he shouldn't just let go. I never said that he should throw himself at her, but he shouldn't give up until he feels she has truly changed her feelings for him. Love can triumph and should when at all possible. We need more true love stories in this crazy world. We need more man that come to the rescue and love unconditionally.
973741 tn?1342342773
Well, I agree that if she said that he should pursue it but do know from experience that love doesn't always triumph.  And I went on to love someone again and have a stable life with them.  I also an advocate of kids first.  Many women and men do get embroiled in relationships that take the focus off of their kids and I think that is unfortunate.  I say that as a mom.  If something broke my husband and I up, that is hard enough on them to then have issues with difficult love life problems would be very hard on them and me.  I think I'd have to take a break from all dating to keep my focus where it should be in my opinion, on my kids.

That is not to say that those that go on to find love while they have kiddos is a bad thing.  I just know that the ups and downs of it are felt by kids too and parents need to be really mindful of that.  

So, when the poster began talking about issues with one of her children, I feel like that DOES need to be her top concern.  

anyway, to me this is confusing. the woman is giving mixed messages.  And I do think that we can be confused and not let go of our 'safety net' when knowing in our heart that we don't think the relationship is right so we 'sort of' break it off.  That's what this sounds like.  And then for the poster, are they spinning their wheels trying to make it work?  

it could go either way and I guess unsure, your advice to follow your heart is good---  he just also needs to protect his heart in the process.  good luck to the poster
480448 tn?1426948538
I absolutely agree with SM.  The idea that "love can conquer all"...."follow your heart", etc...is all nice, but it's USUALLY not reality.  I think we ALL want that fairy tale, movie kind of love.  The fact is, life isn't all just about emotions...and quite honestly, it sounds like this woman is smart enough to recognize that her relationship with the OP must take a back seat for now.  I think she actually was very forthcoming with him.  

Relationships of course have an emotional component, but also, they have a whole lot of other components...general compatibility, life circumstances (everything from jobs, housing, location, etc), and of course, a person's baggage.  

Everyone comes with it...some people's are just heavier and more complex.  The emotion side of people in love want to believe they can overcome it ALL in the name of love.  NOT always true.  When the heavy duty intense romantic and passionate feelings start to dwindle, it's the real life circumstances that all of a sudden become an issue.  

Like sm said, her children must always come first, and I wouldn't recommend ANYONE dating or pursuing someone where that wasn't the case, it's good that she wants to put all of her time and energy towards her kids.  

Bottom line, it's pretty simple to me...yes, there are strong feelings, but life is getting in the way of her pursuing and nurturing her relationship with the OP.  Her plate is VERY full, so she's made a decision to put the other things in life first, while letting him know that she still does have feelings for him.  Who knows, maybe after things settle down for her, they can both revisit the idea of trying again.  I think giving her her space is the only option.  Anything else is pushy, intrusive, selfish and disrespectful (IMO).

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm sure it's hard, but please respect this woman's request.  Give her space...she already knows how you feel.  Give it some time.  I also would caution you (to echo what sm said) that whirlwind relationships where people are proclaiming their love and committing to "forever" in such a short period of time are concerning.  They tend to either fizzle out, or, as the people TRULY get to KNOW one another (because you CAN NOT REALLY "know" someone in a few months)...they discover that maybe they weren't so compatible to begin with.   Then the mundane, every day problems become too much....and the emotion side of it isn't enough to justify dealing with all of life's issues.   This relationship had MANY obstacles from go....and it's taken its toll.  Hopefully, with some time, you two will find your way back to one another.  If not, as hard as it feels, you're going to just have to accept it for what it is, and move on.

Best of luck to you.
Avatar universal
Ditto NG.

I wouldn't make any life changing plans in regards to this.  

Let her take care of her business, however, I wouldn't recommend hanging around waiting for her to restart the relationship or want to restart the relationship.
Avatar universal
Everyone keeps bringing up the kids and I agree they are top priority. Still if this man is willing to take on those two kids and once again give them a stable life, then why should the mother and him stop trying. In my first post I stated that he should try to just be friends with her at first. This is already a long distance relationship and the only way they could get another chance is to keep in touch and for him to communicate with her.

My advice is from my own experience. My husband has two kids from another woman and yes it was hard on his two kids, but I proved myself worthy of their respect and their dads love. It took time and being there for all of them. Letting the children know I wasn't trying to take there moms place, and allowing him to put them first. But to say that parents should not get a second chance at love because of the kids would be wrong. Many people say that I was a big part of helping my husband build his relationship with his kids. So while the children should come first, if this guy understands that then nothing is wrong with this relationship.

Telling him to follow his heart and remember to not let it over run his brain also comes from past experiences. My husband has left me in the past. There was post on here about the situation and many told me that I should move on. To let him go and give him space, but in my heart and when I prayed I knew that this would be a decision I would regret. I love my husband and I didn't give up on us. Now we are happy and moving on from the past. I just don't see giving up unless you truly feel there is nothing left in the relationship. That is why I continue to encourage this man to follow his heart and what his gut says, but don't let them lie to him.

I know if I would followed others advice and given up or just let go...my husband and me would never have been reconciled and both of our lives would be lonely right now. I couldn't imagine my life without my husband and would hate for someone to lose the chance at the same happiness just because he follows what others believe is right and not his heart and what he knows is right deep down. If he does feel like there is no chance then I would understand moving on. May God be with this poster.

One more thing I would like an update from the poster on what his decision was....
973741 tn?1342342773
Unsure, everyone is giving the advice they feel is best.  Yours is different from mine and that is okay.  I do not think every relationship is meant to be.  I think the poster has gotten a broad range of advice with none more valuable than any other or less valuable.  it's all good stuff for the poster to ponder.  In the end, he'll have to figure out what to do.  I just encourage practicality beyond just emotions in decision making----  especially when there are kids.   But the poster will have to do what is best for them.  ALL have given good advice here. Thanks for your input.  
Avatar universal
Advice is just that...............advice.  In the end it is ALWAYS the OP's decision about what is best for him/her.  
Avatar universal
It is always helpful to get different opinions and views and it isn't a must that everyone responding must concur.
480448 tn?1426948538
Ditto Londres and SM.
Avatar universal
No disagreement advice is advice...and when you get alot of opinions you can weigh the pros and cons of each. Wasn't meaning nothing I just know I wish back when I went through my struggle more would have told me that I wasn't crazy for sticking by my husband. Sometimes people need that reassurance that following their heart and true passion is right. Good luck to all in their relationships.
Avatar universal
To the OP...............I hope you can figure out what you need to do and what is best for you.

All the best.
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