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My husband cheated on me twice. What to do?
Hé cheated on me 4 years ago after 26 years of marriage and I forgave him. Our daughter was very sick at the time. He said that no thing happened physical at that time. It was all cyber talk with ladies. This time, I found an emotional and physical affair and he was planning to leave me and leave his children for someone he met on cyber just two weeks ago and had sex 3 times with her. Our son was having a surgery and the youngest one was depressed and he travelled 12 hours to see her. He was having sex with her when our son was having a very complicated eye surgery. Before he travelled he told me that he is not any more attached to me for no raison. We were having social life, seeing friends, going to theater.... And I needed to be cheered because our son was going to have the surgery and the other one was depressed. My husband told me he was traveling for his job and it was a lie. He has always been selfish. How can a father have sex when his own son is having a surgery?
He wrote to his lover that he doesn't love me and when I found out I wanted to divorce, he begged me to not do so and said that he loves me and he cheated because he is going thought a middle age crisis and he promised to stop but I found out that they were still skyping. He said because he had hard time to get over this relationship and I was to busy with my hurt to take care of his. He betrayed me and he wanted me to comfort him and support him. He didn't care about my feelings and how his betrayal hurt me. I don't know what to do? My youngest kid is in high school and he is no well. Thank you for reading.
He wrote to his lover that he doesn't love me and when I found out I wanted to divorce, he begged me to not do so and said that he loves me and he cheated because he is going thought a middle age crisis and he promised to stop but I found out that they were still skyping. He said because he had hard time to get over this relationship and I was to busy with my hurt to take care of his. He betrayed me and he wanted me to comfort him and support him. He didn't care about my feelings and how his betrayal hurt me. I don't know what to do? My youngest kid is in high school and he is no well. Thank you for reading.
Agree with Chima......absolutely.
"They have a very high opinion of my husband. They will despise him if I tell them.".............Why are you protecting him? He is horrible and despicable. Don't you have a friend to confide in? I am not sure why you feel you have to "pretend" with friends and family and keep this charade going. Is it because it is embarrassing for you?
He is not there for you or the children.
I can imagine this is painful, but it isn't going to get any better prolonging the inevitable.
Have you ever consulted a therapist for yourself? A professional therapist can give more insight and direction in regards to your situation.
"They have a very high opinion of my husband. They will despise him if I tell them.".............Why are you protecting him? He is horrible and despicable. Don't you have a friend to confide in? I am not sure why you feel you have to "pretend" with friends and family and keep this charade going. Is it because it is embarrassing for you?
He is not there for you or the children.
I can imagine this is painful, but it isn't going to get any better prolonging the inevitable.
Have you ever consulted a therapist for yourself? A professional therapist can give more insight and direction in regards to your situation.
Nina it's a much better lesson to your son for you to stand up for yourself and get the divorce now rather than pretending your way through this acting like everything is ok. Your son would have a lot more respect for you if you show him that you're a strong woman who does not put up with such poor treatment from a man. Besides it's not like his father has been present nor engaged in supporting him through these illnesses that he has suffered so what's the difference? You would be solving many problems by divorcing now (such as setting the right example for all of your kids not to put up with this kind of fake marriage you have) than you would if you stayed married to this horrible man who has done nothing to be a proper husband, father, or human being for that matter.
The longer you persist in staying in such a sham marriage the more you're teaching your kids that if they are faced with a similar situation in the future then they have no options but to stay and be miserable. Is that the kind of lesson you want your kids to learn? Or do you want them to learn that it's not ok to stay married to someone who has zero love or respect for his family?
The longer you persist in staying in such a sham marriage the more you're teaching your kids that if they are faced with a similar situation in the future then they have no options but to stay and be miserable. Is that the kind of lesson you want your kids to learn? Or do you want them to learn that it's not ok to stay married to someone who has zero love or respect for his family?
Hi, again thanks a lot to all of you. i was so ashamed about what my husband did that I could not tell anyone even my family. it helps me a lot to get it out of me. I feel less lonely. My family isn't around. I don't want either to tell them to protect my children. What my husband did is so shameful : cyber talks with women with different identities, telling them lies just to have sex with them, travelling a lot abroad when our childrn were facing difficult issues, spending the family money on women etc... I have many friends but for the same raisons I don't want to tel them. They have a very high opinion of my husband. They will despise him if I tell them. It's very hard for me to pretend and makes smile on my face when my heart is bleeding inside. I don't mind if I will not get money from the divorce. The only thing that matters to me is to protect my children from their father shameful behavior. I saw the consequences on my daughter. She is heart broken and suffring a lot. She is ashamed of what her father did to the point that she can't share it even with her boy friend. I know what my husband did means that he doesn't love, value or respect me or his children . It's easy to fill for a divorce when there are no children involved. What will happen to my teenager if I fill for a divorce as he is so fragil now? This is what stops me to fill for a divorce.
NinaB58..........
I think he could care less about you and what you are going through. He says and does things to suit him whatever it is convenient for him at that time.
"Shouldn't he be trying to earn my trust back?".........Well, yes he should if he wanted his marriage to really work.
Not to be rude, but you actually set the tone with this husband of yours, i.e. taking him back time and time again after his indiscretions. He knows how to manipulate you well.
"How can I trust him again?"........I don't think you can. In my opinion he isn't worthy of your trust. Trust must be earned and maintained.......sounds like he isn't capable of that. Staying with him will not change him. He is who he is. Seems like you are trying to find reasons not to leave. I would encourage you to consult a lawyer and see what your rights are and what you would be entitled to.
"In France, cheating is not considered as a fault and I might not get anything from a divorce."..........I live in Paris and I am not sure where you got that info from. Again, consult a lawyer so that you fully know what you are dealing with or what you will be dealing with; don't assume this or that.
Do you have any family that can help you if you decide to leave him? You should be able to get social help if needed.
This in my opinion is NO marriage.......this is a sham of a marriage.
I think he could care less about you and what you are going through. He says and does things to suit him whatever it is convenient for him at that time.
"Shouldn't he be trying to earn my trust back?".........Well, yes he should if he wanted his marriage to really work.
Not to be rude, but you actually set the tone with this husband of yours, i.e. taking him back time and time again after his indiscretions. He knows how to manipulate you well.
"How can I trust him again?"........I don't think you can. In my opinion he isn't worthy of your trust. Trust must be earned and maintained.......sounds like he isn't capable of that. Staying with him will not change him. He is who he is. Seems like you are trying to find reasons not to leave. I would encourage you to consult a lawyer and see what your rights are and what you would be entitled to.
"In France, cheating is not considered as a fault and I might not get anything from a divorce."..........I live in Paris and I am not sure where you got that info from. Again, consult a lawyer so that you fully know what you are dealing with or what you will be dealing with; don't assume this or that.
Do you have any family that can help you if you decide to leave him? You should be able to get social help if needed.
This in my opinion is NO marriage.......this is a sham of a marriage.
"Sounds like he wants all the attention on him. He enjoys doing this because he gets the attention and gets to escape his real life problems and issues. Sounds like he isn't coping especially well with the issues with the children" it's exactly him.
I really wanted to forgive him but when I found out that he was still skyping with her and how he reacts, what he said, it made it to difficult to get over it and to believe him anymore.
Last week, he put again a password on his computer and his iPhone. I don't have access to them anymore. He said it's his privacy and he can show me his e-mails if he wants to but I have no rights to ask him to be transparent and if I don't trust him, it doesn't matter.... why he is changing the password on his phone.... Shouldn't he be trying to earn my trust back?! this seems like a backwards move and almost a slap in my face. If there was nothing going on and he was truly sorry for his actions he would be acting in a loving and caring manner.
I really wanted to forgive him but when I found out that he was still skyping with her and how he reacts, what he said, it made it to difficult to get over it and to believe him anymore.
Last week, he put again a password on his computer and his iPhone. I don't have access to them anymore. He said it's his privacy and he can show me his e-mails if he wants to but I have no rights to ask him to be transparent and if I don't trust him, it doesn't matter.... why he is changing the password on his phone.... Shouldn't he be trying to earn my trust back?! this seems like a backwards move and almost a slap in my face. If there was nothing going on and he was truly sorry for his actions he would be acting in a loving and caring manner.
Hi, Thanks to all of you for your time and advises and excuses my mistakes as English is not my mother tongue but French.
To fill for a divorce it's not the right time because my 17 teen years old son is not feeling well and will graduate by July from high school. I want to wait until he gets better. He doesn't know what is going on. My other son who is 23 doesn't know either. i pretend to be happy and do my best to not show what i am going through. My daughter learned it because she was home the day I found the false e-mail address and all the e-mails by accident on my husband computer. She was so hurt and she doesn't speak to her father anymore. My husband did confess in front of his daughter that he loves that women and few days later he had the nerves to write to our daughter an e-mail where he said that he loves his wife and children and he regrets what he did etc. at the same time he was still in contact with the other woman he met on Internet.
This woman leaves in another country 12 hours by plane from us and she wrote to my husband that she can not stay without having sex for long and as they spend to much time apart, she will have it with other men. Knowing this and that she was member in many meeting clubs didn't stop my husband in falling in love with her and wanting to leave me and his children for her. Strange! for a highly educated man. I can not imagine my husband falling in love with such kind of woman!!!!
My husband is the eldest in his family. He was in charge of his parents and brothers since he was student, because his father wasn't making enough money. I admired him for this and I helped him a lot. I helped him to buy (50%) his parents house, we support them for 20 years, paid school for his brothers, Heath.... His parents came first for many years until I had enough because there was no ending to this even with his brothers grown up (30 and 35 year). They were still asking for money all the time and big amounts. My husband could never say no to them or to his mother. They always came first. At certain point, it was like he was married to his mother and his brothers were his children.
When I married him, I thought that he was good, a given person and he was going to be a good husband and father. None of that. I learned all this after we had children. He wasn't affectionate with our children, never help when they were sick, never help at home, or with home work... I was working in the beginning full time, than half time to take care of my children and deal with homework, cooking......than I stopped working when my second son gets sick.
In France, cheating is not considered as a fault and I might not get anything from a divorce. My husband doesn't want to go to counseling. He just wants us to move on and pretend like no thing happened. He refuses to speak about what he did or said. He said if our daughter keeps not speaking to him he will cut her from his life. He never takes responsibility for his acts and he denied everything until I confronted him with the proofs. He doesn't consider the consequences of his acts and words.
He lied so many time. How can I trust him again?
Thank you for reading me and for your advise.
To fill for a divorce it's not the right time because my 17 teen years old son is not feeling well and will graduate by July from high school. I want to wait until he gets better. He doesn't know what is going on. My other son who is 23 doesn't know either. i pretend to be happy and do my best to not show what i am going through. My daughter learned it because she was home the day I found the false e-mail address and all the e-mails by accident on my husband computer. She was so hurt and she doesn't speak to her father anymore. My husband did confess in front of his daughter that he loves that women and few days later he had the nerves to write to our daughter an e-mail where he said that he loves his wife and children and he regrets what he did etc. at the same time he was still in contact with the other woman he met on Internet.
This woman leaves in another country 12 hours by plane from us and she wrote to my husband that she can not stay without having sex for long and as they spend to much time apart, she will have it with other men. Knowing this and that she was member in many meeting clubs didn't stop my husband in falling in love with her and wanting to leave me and his children for her. Strange! for a highly educated man. I can not imagine my husband falling in love with such kind of woman!!!!
My husband is the eldest in his family. He was in charge of his parents and brothers since he was student, because his father wasn't making enough money. I admired him for this and I helped him a lot. I helped him to buy (50%) his parents house, we support them for 20 years, paid school for his brothers, Heath.... His parents came first for many years until I had enough because there was no ending to this even with his brothers grown up (30 and 35 year). They were still asking for money all the time and big amounts. My husband could never say no to them or to his mother. They always came first. At certain point, it was like he was married to his mother and his brothers were his children.
When I married him, I thought that he was good, a given person and he was going to be a good husband and father. None of that. I learned all this after we had children. He wasn't affectionate with our children, never help when they were sick, never help at home, or with home work... I was working in the beginning full time, than half time to take care of my children and deal with homework, cooking......than I stopped working when my second son gets sick.
In France, cheating is not considered as a fault and I might not get anything from a divorce. My husband doesn't want to go to counseling. He just wants us to move on and pretend like no thing happened. He refuses to speak about what he did or said. He said if our daughter keeps not speaking to him he will cut her from his life. He never takes responsibility for his acts and he denied everything until I confronted him with the proofs. He doesn't consider the consequences of his acts and words.
He lied so many time. How can I trust him again?
Thank you for reading me and for your advise.
Hi and sorry what your going through. When you said hes always been selfish is key to understanding his personality and its something youve know since day1 . You took a shot that he would turn out ok and he did not. If you feel he is truly sorry for this and is going through a mid lift crisis then give him another chance. Men are silly when it comes to women and sometimes need a wake out call.
"He said because he had hard time to get over this relationship and I was to busy with my hurt to take care of his."
"....he cheated because he is going thought a middle age crisis..."
"He didn't care about my feelings and how his betrayal hurt me."
"He has always been selfish."
"Before he travelled he told me that he is not any more attached to me for no raison."
THEN.....he has the nerve to beg you not to leave him? Oh brother.
Well, dear.....you have a live one here. Sounds like he wants all the attention on him. He enjoys doing this because he gets the attention and gets to escape his real life problems and issues. Sounds like he isn't coping especially well with the issues with the children. Unless he was commited to seeking professional help for his issues you should consider leaving him, e.g. separation or divorce. Therapy won't be very beneficial if he never takes responsibility for what he has done and keeps blaming you, his "midlife" crisis, etc.
"....he cheated because he is going thought a middle age crisis..."
"He didn't care about my feelings and how his betrayal hurt me."
"He has always been selfish."
"Before he travelled he told me that he is not any more attached to me for no raison."
THEN.....he has the nerve to beg you not to leave him? Oh brother.
Well, dear.....you have a live one here. Sounds like he wants all the attention on him. He enjoys doing this because he gets the attention and gets to escape his real life problems and issues. Sounds like he isn't coping especially well with the issues with the children. Unless he was commited to seeking professional help for his issues you should consider leaving him, e.g. separation or divorce. Therapy won't be very beneficial if he never takes responsibility for what he has done and keeps blaming you, his "midlife" crisis, etc.
Go through with the divorce. He's not got your best interests in heart, and clearly, he has no respect or love for you. If he did, he'd have done the honorable thing and broke it off with you before ever flirting with, much less having sex with another woman or even tried to work things out with you before going through with breaking it off.
Don't listen to his lies. Do what is best for you and your children. So long as you can support yourself and your son (I would imagine your husband will have to pay child support), I'd say do what you need to. It sounds like your children are old enough to understand.
Don't listen to his lies. Do what is best for you and your children. So long as you can support yourself and your son (I would imagine your husband will have to pay child support), I'd say do what you need to. It sounds like your children are old enough to understand.
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