My husband wants to leave me because...

[infoaa]

My husband wants to leave me because I abandoned our 1 yr. old puppy.  What I did was horrible and regret it deeply.  We had the puppy for 10 months and for the past 4 months I've been telling my husband that I couldn't handle taking care of a puppy, working 50+ hours a week, taking care of the household, starting my own business and taking care of our 14 month old child.  I would come home and the house would be torn to bits.  I felt like a prisoner in my own home.  I told him on several occasions if we could find a new home for the puppy and/or give it to the shelter.  I pleaded with him time and time again, I even told him I had thoughts of taking the puppy and abandoning it.  He said we were never going to get rid of the puppy and I just needed to deal with it.  My husband also works 50+ hrs a week and the truth is we did not have the time to properly train and care for the puppy.  I envisioned giving the puppy away to a family who had the time to care for him like he should be.  After I told my husband what I had done he said that was it, our marriage was over.  He said what I did was unforgivable and I'm a monster.  I've battled with severe depression on and off through the years and I didn't exactly have a normal childhood, could that have contributed to my erroneous action of abandoning my puppy?  I just want to save my marriage and need help figuring out how.

[RockRose]

This whole thing just seems so strange,  info.  I'm sorry you're having to battle all this - really,  your plate is hugely full.  I can't imagine working 50+ hours a week with a toddler to mother - that in itself would put me in a stressful anxiety/depressed level that would make getting through it difficult.

I'm still trying to get a picture on his behavior.  I have this little dog I love love love and he's  not destructive or anything,  he's a great little guy.  If I came home one day and my dog was gone because my husband dumped him somewhere,  I would be in such shock that it would take me awhile to recover - I certainly wouldn't immediately say that's it,  I'm divorcing you and move into another bedroom.  

It just seems very possible that he's been looking for  a way out,  and you didn't realize it.    Honestly,  it occurs to me he's having an affair.  Is that possible?

[brice1967]

I do see this as a control issue.  You mentioned above that you have "never really put up a fight" if it was something that he really wanted.  He is being unreasonable in regards to the situation, and as I stated before, your marriage has other issues coming into play here.  

There is already somewhat of a separation taking place.  I think therapy for your right now is the absolute right choice and the appropriate medicines will only help.  I'm not going to say your marriage is over, but if it is going to move forward, your husband will have to seek some help too.  Therapy/marriage counseling provides a good atmosphere for doing that because a therapist can kind of act as a mediator.... its not for everyone, and some won't even commit to even trying.  

Do what you can for you first.  Your childs health and well being is dependent on your health and well being, and obviously your child will always come before a pet....

[specialmom]

I do wish you luck.  I really am being honest when I say that he was unreasonable in trying to force you to keep a dog you felt you couldn't handle.  HE was in the wrong with that.  I love my husband and kids more than any dog and let me tell ya, I love our dog very much.  I wouldn't allow her to become a wedge between my spouse and I though.  I have priorities.  He can be mad and sure, I'd be upset and distraught.  But he to say the marriage is over and start living that way is an unreasonable response.  This says a good deal about his own problems and issues.  So, do not think the problem is just you.  

Sometimes when we are in relationships in which we are controlled, we aren't even aware of it.  It is so "normal" for you that it goes unnoticed.  His callous reponse to your situation with the dog is very telling to those looking from the outside in.  It worries us that there has been dysfunction all along and perhaps you have had that buried to 'go with the flow'.  

I do wish you luck and treating your depression is the BEST place to start.  Peace.

[infoaa]

Hi Perch101

We are currently "separated" but living in the same house.  We sleep in separate rooms, there is no physical contact what so ever and any mention of "I love you" has gone for now.

I don't think he was controlling in other ways but I've never really put up a fight if it's something that he really wanted.

I'm going back in to therapy tomorrow and back on medication immediately.  

Thank you for your advice.

[perch101]

I don't think you are a monster for abandoning the puppy. I think you were overwhelmed and desperate.... I too am an animal lover and I do feel bad for the puppy..... but you are not a monster for doing this out of desperation. Puppys are a challange if you work a 40 hour week with no children.... let alone your situation.

I agree with those that say there is more to your husband leaving than the puppy incident...... that he was maybe looking for a 'way out' - has he or you moved out or are you still all living under one roof? Has the divorce proceedings reached the stage where you are talking about who will have custody and visitation rights etc?

I whole heartly agree with specialmom who said it was wrong of your husband to put the dog before your mental health - you told him you couldn't handle having the dog and for him to say 'bad luck its staying, deal with it' is controlling and just plain mean. Was he controlling in other ways?

To the person who suggested you may not be a fit mother because of the puppy incident... again I agree wtih specialmom that abandoing the puppy out of desperation has no bearing on your ability to be a fit Mom.... in fact you were putting your child first when you made the decision.

I really do hope the puppy is okay.... but I don't think you should be crucified for this... you did it out of desperation.

Best wishes.

[RainLover71]

You should have kept the puppy and dumped your husband.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I do not believe this is about abondoning a puppy!!  I SIMPLY DO NOT BELIEVE THIS IS THE PLOBEM IN THE MARRIAGE!!  I DO NOT!!

[specialmom]

Yes, I agree with londres. I'm a serious dog lover but let me tell you---  a few years ago our dog died of old age.  As a dog person----  at first I though I had to get another one right away.  I could NOT handle it.  I was too busy.  We got a pup last year as my kids are getting older and requiring less of me------- and they are so much work.  They have to be watched almost as much as my kids did!  Potty training is hard, getting them not to chew things is hard, running off their energy is hard.  All goes with the territory of having a puppy and I do not begrudge anyone that got one and felt it was too much.

You told your husband and HIS response was unreasonable.  This makes me think that he may dominate in other ways and the puppy was a symbol of this.  You reacted and did something that you feel bad about.  I feel bad for a puppy left---------  but I am not going to crucify you for it.  Nor do I think someone should end a marriage over it or say you aren't going to be a good mother to your kids.  

If you think your mental health is suffering------- please do something about that.  But I'd have a REAL problem with a 'partner' that put a dog over my well being.  And then threatened to leave me over it.  

So to recap, everyone including you knows that it was a desperate and wrong move to leave the puppy but it came out of a place of feeling helpless caused by someone else.  A better choice could have been made but HOW you got there is the real issue.  

Maybe he is just angry.  Be sorry for what you did but let him know that being unreasonable about keeping the dog drove you to it.  He shares blame here.

good luck dear and please make sure you take care of any mental health issues that could be going on.  Depression would cause us to not make the best choices and if you feel you are depressed-----  please treat that seriously.  Peace.

[Londres70]

Hmmmm, that's strange.  

Perhaps he said this out of anger.  You both lead stressful lives.  

What you did was not the best thing for the dog, but it is not like you killed someone.  

[Myown]

What do you mean you abandoned your puppy???

You left him on the side of a highway where he could get run over?? Where is he?? Is he tied somewhere?

You have to look for the puppy or tell your Husband where he is if you haven't already...

You could have taken him to a no-kill shelter...

Something doesn't sound right about this story and if I say what I think, others will probably say I am "judging." But I really don't care...this is sad to read...Is he dead?



I don't know why you and your Husband are not looking for the puppy, or calling the shelters to see if it was found.... this story doesn't sound right.



If you suffer from depression and did this to a puppy, how can you feel confident to take care of your child in a healthy way with all the pressure that comes with taking care of a child....

Find the puppy IF its still alive and go for mental help so that taking care of your child doesn't overwhelm you......

[infoaa]

Hi,

Yes, I would have characterized us as happily married.  I asked my husband if we could take him to the shelter and I knew if I did take him to the shelter he would go and pick him up and tell me the puppy is staying no matter what.

We have made all efforts at locating our puppy.  He's microchipped so we are hoping someone will turn him in, we've put ads on craigslist, we went back to the sight 3 separate times talking with people and giving them our # in case they see him, we've also offered a $250 reward for him being found.  

[RockRose]

I agree with Brice,  and want to ask - before you dumped the puppy,  would you have characterized your husband as happily married?  

I volunteer for the shelter,  and have a great love for animals so really believe dumping a puppy is abhorrent.   Is there some reason you didn't take him to the shelter,  where he'd have a chance at being adopted,  or at least would be humanely treated?  

Having said that,  I think he's using that as an excuse to get out of a marriage he is very unhappy with,  to begin with,  puppy or no puppy.

BTW - have you made any effort to locate the dog and make it right?

[brice1967]

Abandoning the puppy is harsh and honestly not the right thing to do, but to think that this warrants divorce is just as wrong.  There is far more going on in your marriage than you are apparently aware of.

Yeah, of course your past could have contributed to abandoning the puppy, but that doesn't make it right.  Looking for an excuse is not the right thing to do here.  Abandoning the puppy was not right, it won't be right tomorrow or the next day.

It sounds like your dance card is pretty full, but I'd suggest you seek the help of a mental health professional for yourself first, and it wouldn't be a bad idea for your husband to find one too.  He has issues he needs to deal with, and it is obvious.  Perhaps you can go together and rebuild while doing so.