What is Toxic poison to OURSELVES/RELATIONSHIPS

[AnnaMariaQQss]

I find it common knowledge as we all know what a toxic person and or relationship is. But VERY FEW OF US CAN IDENTIFY with these things being TOXIC POISON to ourselves.

I think it would benefit us all to explain what it is to ourselves, and in doing so we'd find so many answers to our own identity and who we are buried deep inside our soul. So here's to self help and reclaiming what was once stolen from us!

1) A toxic person is one that is never happy and can always TELL ME WHAT NEEDS TO BE FIXED and repaired in myself before owning their own flaws and working on themselves rather than change who or what I am.
2) A toxic relationship is one in which brings me to a newer low than before & leaves me feeling as if I will never be good enough for person picking up my slack!
3) a toxic person is ALWAYS telling me how much i OWE them-rather than how much enjoyment they got from being able to helpful to me
4) a toxic person always makes me feel small and UNIMPORTANT even if I have GIVEN myself again unconditionally.

Here's a few of my many answers and Already i can tell you, I found all these qualities in every abusive relationship I have ever had, and there was MANY before I decided to put me 1st.

lets keep this going and keep adding to this list, It will help everyone see the most obvious things. There for helping us identify with the signs and blindness that has led to ALL OUR SITUATIONS.

with much love, Anna .

[AnnaMariaQQss]

Just a thought.....

How much of a "MORE GROUNDED PERSON/FRIEND/SISTER/BROTHER/ETC WE ARE b/c of admitting our own weakness? And think.....we have learned so much by these TOXIC people...in return-making us the stronger & better link in the "safety chain to speak".

THANK GOD WE ARE HUMAN AND ERR.....Hugs to all

[Ashelen]

Yep - they do sound like the same person! Everything you said is the same for my friend. it's amazing....he and I were friends as young teens and even dated for awhile. But while I outgrew the "the system is out to get me" and "don't cave, don't become one of 'them' "...he certainly did not. I sure hope he does, because now his family counts on him. I'm glad I'm not the only one to have a friend like this....my friend needs help too but that would be "conforming". sigh!

[brice1967]

You're friend and mine sound like the same person.  One thing he is constantly trying to do is buck the system....  "I am tired of working for the man", is a common theme with him.  He always has about 1000 excuses as to why he feels the way he does, but the majority of them, if not all of them are false.  The reason he feels the way he does is because of him....

My buddy has this need to "not comply".  He feels as if he is (excuse the expression) somebody's bitc* if he complies.  I've tried a thousand times to break him through to reality, but I've lost hope in doing so.... and really realized that it just isn't my job to break him through.  He's got a reluctance to do so, and that is his problem.

This guy has a ton of skills, but has this over high opinion of himself that he cannot work for a starting wage.... instead, he stays unemployed.  He basically wants to be hired as an owner and has no plans on being a "worker bee".  I've told him time and time again, hire on for the hiring wage, do your job, don't make waves, and in time the goods will come your way.  He simply doesn't see it that way.  He calls that, "selling out" and he has no interest in doing that.  I laugh at him and tell him to stay broke and jobless then.

I've certainly distanced myself from this guy, just because of the toxicity.  He is a good dude but will not listen to reality and will not seek any help for his problems.  

[Ashelen]

Brice I always tell people - it's time to take a long hard look at yourself when your opinion means more than someone's feelings. Especially being Co-CL on the pregnancy forum where tempers can get high, I always gently remind people "it's fine to have your opinion, but if you're going to hurt someone just to make yourself feel righteous, please keep it to yourself".

And I have a friend who feels like that....his hugely pregnant wife was working to support both of them, their daughter, and their unborn child and when I asked him why he wasn't going to pick up a part-time job(because they were about to get evicted from their home) he tells me (and I was floored at this) " I can't work with the system.I just hate it too much. i can't force myself to become one of the sheep. they would just not hire me anyway because I don't fit with their 'ideals' "....I haven't spoken to him since then, I was too disgusted. I still love my friend but I really feel like he needs to grow up and realize that most of his grief is caused by his own inability to work hard and not by the rest of the world hating him.


I think toxic is someone who pursues their desires to the point of causing harm to others in their life. Whether it's addiction or simply selfishness..my BIL is a perfect example. he told me he was gay, then not a year later was married and conceived a child with his wife but I figured -ok he's changed his mind...after 6 years of marriage and 2 children he came back out of the closet. That's not my problem. my problem is that he's going out and partying and he's got this whole devil-may-care attitude about the whole thing and everyone in his life is paying the price for his lifestyle...everyone is stuck watching his kids, picking up the bill when he can't afford to pay his electricity, etc...and he thinks his friends who egg him on to this behavior are angels while the rest of us are just holding him back, even though we're the ones keeping him grounded...HE is toxic and we're slowly separating ourselves from him until he can get his feet back on the ground and focus on what's important. he's also in a relationship now even though he's not divorced yet -but he thinks keeping it quiet means he's not being adulterous...anyway that's a whole different argument lol. we love him and will support him, but not acting like this. he's becoming a toxic element in our lives.

my mom is also toxic, but I've spoken about that at length so I won't reiterate. mostly for her it's addiction, depression, and alcoholism.

[specialmom]

What is sad to think about Brice is that the negative person you speak of is typically a product also of how they were raised and the things that happened to them in life.  They are usually hurting on the inside and that is their protective mechanism.  This group is one that I've always felt for because that is really how they often feel inside.  They are like wounded children inside of themselves and they then express it to those in their life.  It pulls at my heart strings a bit.  Most abusers also come from an abusive background as well.  It is a vicious cycle.  That is why I applaud any and all who break the cycle in their life.  It takes guts and strength to do so.  But such an important thing to do.  Peace.

[AnnaMariaQQss]

Thank God he has you & you him! You're right about  about needing a constant reminder that life just isn't that bad! One of the most beautiful things in life is compassion for others-when we fall short on this we really need help! thanks for the awesome post! Hugs, AnnaMaria!

[specialmom]

I do my best to empower people.  Often what happens to us is of due to choices we make (as adults that is).  To me, it makes me feel hopeful that I realize that I have a hand in what comes my way.  Because if I so choose, I can change things up and have a better life.

When we were dealt a bad hand from the begining, it helps to remember you can reshuffle the deck as a grown up.  In fact, you can get a whole new set of cards.  Our past does not own us---------  we have the power to play the hand we want to play in our lifetime.  

Hopefully all can find peace in their lives.  Best to you.

[AnnaMariaQQss]

I am very glad that you've had such great luck. As most of us learn from these toxic people in our lives from birth on. We didn't choose our paths then.

But now we can, and we can stop the buck from passing any further. with that said, it's great to be able to look at ppls own experiences and find much of the same being part of the "Toxic people/relationships"

I find comfort in being validated by others like me, going through the same things, and knowing it was NOT then nor NOW me or my reactions that caused these things.

[specialmom]

Hm. Interesting post.  I think what is toxic to some people isn't to others and vice versa.  It would be a unique criteria for each person.  There is a well known book on the subject that you may be referencing with the above list.  It is a good book.

I will say that while I do think looking at those we choose to have in our life or those that we've had no choice but are in our life anyway is helpful but real change comes from within.  Looking at our own mistakes and flaws is how we change our life.  Often if we just kick out the "toxic" person----------  we've not done the work that makes a true difference for the next time around.  Ya know what I'm saying?  We all have to own our own part in our life and sometimes putting it all off on another is toxic in itself.  Patterns repeat.  Our subconsious can become "comfortable" with an abusive type of personality and then lead you to another of the same type.  As much as a person does not want to, the subconsious can sometimes make this happen over and over.  We have to stop our subconsious by becoming consious of what is going on.

I've not been in an abusive relationship due to choices I made.  It involves reading red flags and acting on them. I speak more of those relationships we choose such as romantic partnerships and friends here.  I have seen many in abusive relationships though and what I found to be most valuable to them was introspectiveness that allowed them to see what attracted them to the situation and then the stregnth to change things so as not to be in that situation anymore.

All relationships are hard and often go through rough patches.  But being with a partner that respects us over all is very helpful!  Those who manipulate through use of either intimidation or belittling are sorry sacks in my opinion.  

Just some of my thoughts.