Need help

[mridiot]

I need to talk to someone. I am married almost three years. No kids yet. My wife and I are both doctors. I grew up with a group of guys that were like having a dozen brothers. There was alot of good to that and in our case alot of bad. We thought we were "the guys". We all had our girlfriends or pick-ups but when alone we were the macho jerks. We'd get drunk, pick up, drop some money at clubs and go to strip joint / parlors. Even when we found the girls we knew we loved and would marry we were still the 12 or so fools. That carried through bachelor parties, trips to see out of town games, our annual gathering, and just nights out here and there to relieve life's sh*t as we liked to put it. But more and more I started realizing we were jacka**e* and wondering why I was leaving a real woman that I loved at home while going out with the boys. I found I was not enjoying it - it was empty. I started backing down a bit and being less of a player for lack of a better word. I then stopped and told the guys that is just not for me anymore - I don't want it. Of course they think I am a wimp, think my wife controls me and in a way they do not trust me. Its like they are afraid that I have become so whipped (as they put it) that I may tell my wife about them. I'd never do that as I do not want to be the reason of breaking up homes especially with kids. But I do want to tell my wife about me and just start over. I read that when you cheat and confess the marriage that you knew ceases but a new and better one can begin. But is that fair to her? Does she need to know? I do not want to tell her to make myself feel better. I want to tell her to close the chapter on lies and let her know that I stupidly learned what my vows mean to me after I said them. One guy is getting married ina  few months and I backed out of the celebration and advised him to do the same - to learn from my mistake. Honestly I think the friendship is over the way he looked at me. What I am asking as I am going in a circle is - what is better for my wife - to know and decide whether to go on with me but to have to feel pain or for me to learn from my mistakes and be the husband I should have been. I was actually going to go ask a priest but who would know better than other women?

[RockRose]

mridiot - (I hate that name,  you need to give yourself more respect than that - like "changed man"  something like that.)

I think your empty hook ups are probably due to your genetics.  If you were adopted at as a child,   your parents (BOTH) had empty hook ups.  I'm a real believer in nature,   vs. nurture.  I think you probably came to this earth geared toward empty hook ups as your parents were.  

It is because of your personality that you are seeking higher levels - you are seeking to connect and have profound relationships - that you married your wife.  This is a great thing,  and a profound thing,  and a tribute to your character.

Don't blow it,  mridiot.  Don't blow this thing that you have created in your life.  Enjoy your success, and love your dear wife.

[mridiot]

I actually am getting off to do some reading for work but I will think about what you said. I have not told her yet.

[RockRose]

I am going to disagree with everyone,  and it's probably too late.  You've probably already told her,  and unleashed your burden onto your wife's shoulders.  

Telling her all the whole truth wouldn't help her,  and wouldn't solve anything.  Except,  it would vent your guilt.  

If you've truly changed,  suck it up and become the man she always hoped you would be.

Again,  probably this post is too late.  What good would it do HER (think about this for along time) to tell her?

[mridiot]

Since I can talk so freely here I'll ask one more thing if I can. Do you ladies think my empty hook-ups were more appealing because I always had issues with trusting people due to being put up for adoption? Though I do trust my wife - she is actually the only woman except my adopted Mom that I have trusted. Just something that has been spinning in my head with all the other things.

[mridiot]

I did cheat more than once. I continued to go to clubs / parlors and pay for sex after we were married. I did it through college / med school.... I had intercourse 2 times and then stopped that but continued with other things. You are the second person to mention cutting things off/ up. Pretty scary as my wife is a doctor also! (just teasing too - as she would not do that). If anything she'll walk away the lady she is and leave me to the call girls that I don't want. I know I hurt her and I know I was 100% selfish. One guy told me that we do it because the girls pushed us to get married before we were ready. Now I hear these things and think - Holy sh*t did I really think like this too?? Yeah I wanted to wait but she did not force me. I asked because I love her and I knew on my wedding day I was in love and happy. I just thought that - that was nothing - just a guy thing. I don't want to say that I grew up knowing that low life mentality and came to think that was normal as that too sounds stupid but it is kind of like that. I laso think you ladies are right that a woman knows inside somehow. When I was a little boy, my grandmother used to watch George Burns and Gracie Allen. Not sure of spelling. Anyway he said once that when Gracie was dying, he told her that he had to tell her something before it was too late - he cheated. She said that she always knew - it was the time he bought her that big Tiffany vase. He was shocked as that was right and he asked why she never told him. She replied "I never got the matching bowl". The story was not meant to be funny - but her way of saying she knew he did it and stopped and she made peace with it privately. I thought to myself what if somethung happens to me and she finds out and never knows how sorry I was or that I had changed just by loving her.  

[laura1977]

Honestly if you want to get past this, you NEED to tell her.  It will hurt you both, but it is better for your marriage that she knows.  You say you don't want to hurt her, well that pretty much went out the window when you cheated.  I am concerned though about something.  It sounds to me like you have cheated more then once?  You didn't come out and say it, but by your wording it seems you have.
If I were your wife, I will tell you exactly what I would do.  My husband knows exactly what I would do, because it has been known since before we got married.  If my husband ever cheated on me, he would loose everything that is important to him........me, being able to see the girls everyday after he gets off of work...............oh and lets not forget his ability to produce any other children.  (haha kidding about that one).  I have zero tollerance when it comes to cheating.  That doesn't mean your wife does, and let me assure you that she will discover it sometime in the future.  It will be better if she hears it from you first.  
Understand, women post on here about having affairs, and I give them the same advice. I tell them what they did is wrong and to go home and tell the husband.  
You NEVER fix a problem with your wife by sleeping with another woman.  Just like a woman doesn't fix a problem with their husband just by sleeping with another man.  There is a fairly new post on here that the subject is "I'm attracted to another man"  You should read it.