Need help

[mridiot]

I need to talk to someone. I am married almost three years. No kids yet. My wife and I are both doctors. I grew up with a group of guys that were like having a dozen brothers. There was alot of good to that and in our case alot of bad. We thought we were "the guys". We all had our girlfriends or pick-ups but when alone we were the macho jerks. We'd get drunk, pick up, drop some money at clubs and go to strip joint / parlors. Even when we found the girls we knew we loved and would marry we were still the 12 or so fools. That carried through bachelor parties, trips to see out of town games, our annual gathering, and just nights out here and there to relieve life's sh*t as we liked to put it. But more and more I started realizing we were jacka**e* and wondering why I was leaving a real woman that I loved at home while going out with the boys. I found I was not enjoying it - it was empty. I started backing down a bit and being less of a player for lack of a better word. I then stopped and told the guys that is just not for me anymore - I don't want it. Of course they think I am a wimp, think my wife controls me and in a way they do not trust me. Its like they are afraid that I have become so whipped (as they put it) that I may tell my wife about them. I'd never do that as I do not want to be the reason of breaking up homes especially with kids. But I do want to tell my wife about me and just start over. I read that when you cheat and confess the marriage that you knew ceases but a new and better one can begin. But is that fair to her? Does she need to know? I do not want to tell her to make myself feel better. I want to tell her to close the chapter on lies and let her know that I stupidly learned what my vows mean to me after I said them. One guy is getting married ina  few months and I backed out of the celebration and advised him to do the same - to learn from my mistake. Honestly I think the friendship is over the way he looked at me. What I am asking as I am going in a circle is - what is better for my wife - to know and decide whether to go on with me but to have to feel pain or for me to learn from my mistakes and be the husband I should have been. I was actually going to go ask a priest but who would know better than other women?

[mridiot]

Thank you again ladies. Your insight has helped more than you know. I will definitely look for the other posts but again I think I already found so much insight from all of you. Amazing how strangers can help so much and make such a huge difference.

[slow_healer]

mridiot, different people will take in news like that in different ways. If you feel your wife is a reasonable woman and are willing to wait out the "angry phase" of her coming to terms with it, I would recommend telling her. Mostly I would recommend this because you never know when your actions in the past can come to haunt you in the present. Now that you've decided to turn your back, it will be a while before you know who you can trust.

If it helps, I'm a woman who would rather know than not know. That way I feel best prepared for what ever the future may hold. I hope your wife might feel the same.

You are not alone in this situation - you're not the first person to post this problem. Men have posted here before, usually when they have come to the same decision as you - to leave their male buddies to form a more solid relationship with their wife. Hanging with their buddies entailed similar activities - hanging at strip clubs, picking up women, etc. Try finding their posts in this forum - it might give your more insight as what to do about your situation. Good luck!

[misscloey]

You made your bed and now you have to lie in it I am afraid.
You have to tell her. It won't be pretty, I guarantee that. But.. you owe it to her and to yourself to be honest.
What kind of marriage do you have if you continue to live a lie? I really wish people would think about all this before they cheat on each other. It just blows my mind. I am so sorry, I don't mean to disrespect you but you deserve what you get!
I truly truly wish you all the best, but you need to understand that when you drop all this on her she may want absolutely NOTHING to do with you for quite some time. She will be broken to pieces and so very lost inside. But maybe someday, if it is in her nature, she can forgive you and find some way to get past this.
Your realization of what marriage is has come a little too late I am afraid. The one thing I have learned about lying is this.... no matter how small or big the lie, it may be days or years but somehow, someway that lie will rear it's ugly head. When it does, when she finds out some other way... it WILL be over. Stop the lie now, while you can and take what you have coming like a man. You did this to her and to yourself, not your friends, not the other women... YOU. Do the right thing and let her know, and then let her decide where to go from here. I am sorry!        

[mridiot]

Thank you all. I agree 100% that my marriage comes first. I certainly have no excuse for my past actions and trying to think one up would be cowardly. My friends do already know that my wife comes first through our discussions recently. They know that I've left the group you could say as they are not good for my marriage. I really believe that if I hung out with them I would still be different as I do not want that and no longer would just follow along like a dummy (not that they made me do it - I screwed up - I could have said no - I should have said no) - I want a real marriage. But even hanging out with them seems disrespectful to her based on the past.and yes I did have actual intercourse - not all the time but when I first got married yes. And you know what is sicker I would have never had a girlfriend or picked up a girl I wasn't paying. I know I am supposed to be smart. You are right. I graduated top of an ivy league college and when I hear my lack of common sense you'd never know. How we sat around thinking we were good husbands - we were just men. I hurt and betrayed the one person that never would hurt or betray me. I'm more than willing to tell her everything but not if it means her having to have unneccessary pain. That is why I needed a woman's point of view.  

[laura1977]

You should tell your wife.  That isn't fair to your marriage not to tell her.  You have to take the chance that she may not want to be married, but you took the chance of this happening when you cheated.  
About your friends, if they are such good friends they wouldn't be putting your wife down.  Not all guys do this.  My husband had a really good friend that he hung out with but his friend was causing problems with our marriage, and guess who won?  Our marriage.  Your a doctor, so you are smart?  You need to realize that you have promised your life to your wife, and you need to stick up for your marriage.  I am sure that your guy friends probably have wives, do you talk to them about their wives like that?  You shouldn't let that happen.
Your wife diserves to know, and you need to get it out in the open.  Wives have a way of finding out.  If one other person knows, then I will bet your wife will end up finding out.  It is better if it comes from you.  If she finds out on her own she will probably leave for sure.  
Get rid of the stuff that is causing you issues in your marriage.  
If you ruin your marriage because of your friends, your going to be the one coming home to an empty house, not your friends.  

[misscloey]

Did you have sexual relations with other women or did you simply hang out in strip clubs? I am a little confused. I would say that if you simply hung out in strip clubs and maybe did some inappropriate touching or kissing etc... then I would keep it to myself and not tell her.(which by the way is still unacceptable in my book) You have come to realize that your marriage is more important than any of that stupid "boy" stuff right? If you have had sexual relations with other women then you should try to find a way and a time to tell her. You owe it to her. She may or may not leave you, I can't answer that. But, I can tell you from watching very dear friends go through this, that your marriage will NEVER BE THE SAME if it does survive! Theirs did not. Once you break the trust and respect what else is there? I personally don't know what I would do, I can say right off the top of my head that I would NEVER put up with that sh**. But, being married for 15 years and having two children throws a whole new perspective on it. I do know that I would never trust him again, and would lose all respect for him. I would live a miserable life with a man whole ripped out my heart and soul and destroyed my very best and most treasured friendship. So.... you now have realized that you were a major jerk and want everything to be right again. I am afraid it is not that simple. I am however, glad that you have realized this and are willing and wanting to make things right for her.. I don't know if you can do that and I don't know what kind of person she is. So, you will have to think this through VERY carefully. I can imagine that this will haunt you forever if you do not tell her.
Best of Luck!