He lies and cheats while I take care of our child!

[kellymoore]

My fiance and I have been on and off for almost 4 years
now we gave birth to our daughter back in January and when
she was two months old he out of no where told me he wanted
a break and left. Yes life was pretty stressful during the first
couple of months but that was expected with a newborn. Anyway
he started completely ignoring me and finally I went over to where
He was living and found his ex girlfriends car parked outside.
I needed child support so I asked him for it and left but left empty
handed! He later told me they were "strictly friends" but I knew
better than that! Then a month later he got into the army and
Before he left wanted to get back together so like always I said
yes. So when he left for basic training I felt like I needed to find
out the truth myself if I was going to marry him...so I got onto his
Facebook and found a mile long of messages between him and
his ex, by what was said it was obvious they had sex. In fact almost
every night he had her sneak over, and there were pictures of them
in bed together to proove it that I saved! So anyways I wasnt going
to confront him about it during basic training or in a letter! And
I recently went back to work and heard rumors that he had sex
with one of the girls that we use to both work with behind my back
and now I dont know what to believe but I feel like its the truth
since he has lied so much already and hasn't been there for his
daughter since he left because he had better things to do. And
now in his letters hes trying to sweet talk me and tell me what
I want to hear but im so hurt now I just dont know whats best fir
my daughter. I want to confront him but I know he will try to deny
it and somehow turn it back on me! He is a cheater and a liar!

[specialmom]

Hi there.  So sorry for this situation.  Sure does sound complicated.  Well, I'm not sure hon.  I do know that he'll need to be there for his daughter and I'd facilitate that in whatever way possible.  Financial in child support and hopefully he'll have a strong relationship with her.  Does he mention her in his letters?  Number one, he needs to bond with his child.  

It is up to you if you want to give him another chance.  He left you.  He needed a break as your child was born.  That would be a very bitter pill for me to swallow.  But if you want to give it one more shot, you certainly can.  with rules.  It's a real relationship and this coming and going stuff has to end.  I so wish there was a strong commitment and this was deemed a forever relationship by both of you before the pregnancy but hindsight is always 20/20.  So, now you just have to make the best of it.  

So, I guess you have to go with what feels best to you. Another chance (last one though) for him to make it right or just cut your losses now and move on.  BUT either way, make his daughter available to him.  

It's really hard, I'm sure.  Again, sorry you are going through this. peace

[Londres70]

You need to put more effort into obtaining child support for your daughter and forget about having any romantic relationship with this guy.  The history of going "back and forth" with him in the past 4 years says it all.  It will not work with you two in that sense, however, you both need to work on being there for your daughter.

Just let him know that the ONLY thing right now he needs to be doing is financially supporting his child and that he NEEDS to be there for her.   Let him know that a romantic relationship is not possible and that you just want to focus on your daughter.  Just be straight to the point and polite.  

[Londres70]

I wouldn't bother dragging all this "evidence" you have into the situation by showing him.  That would only make the situation more dramatic and he will probably lie about it anyways telling you "it's NOT what you think" nonsense.  What ask a liar for the truth?  You are only wasting your time and breath.

[Londres70]

what=why

[remar]

Has this been going on for the 4 years you've been together? Is so, he will most likely not change. It's possible as he matures but not likely.
You're making it without him and that's a good thing. Do go for child support. There should be no problem getting it since he's in the service.

[nursegirl6572]

I personally think you should break the back and forth cycle and cut your losses with him as a BF.  I agree with the other ladies 100% that you need to be sure he is accountable to his daughter, both financially and emotionally.

He's going to keep sweet talking you, and remember, he's a good liar.  That's all he's basically done, not to mention having sex with numerous people behind your back.  That's not someone I would want to invest my heart in for a minute.  

I would also recommend getting a full STD screening, to make sure he didn't pass anything along to you.  God knows what he was doing with who, and if he used protection.  You cannot trust his word on that, so just err on the safe side and get yourself tested.

He needs to be paying child support, so petition the courts ASAP to start that process.  Do NOT let him try to talk you into a personal out of court arrangement.  Those rarely work, and when he breaks his promises, you have no recourse.  Through the court system, you do.  He will have to be accountable.

He decided he"needed a break" during the most important time, which is very very very selfish.  It's one thing if he wasn't feeling the romantic relationship between you two, but to just leave and to not be part of that important event?  Unforgivable IMO.  Does he have any other children?

So sorry for your situation, but I think it's time to finally demand more, and not settle for being treated like a second fiddle.

[kellymoore]

The on and off part of our relationship started about a year ago so the first 3 years were great! Were high school sweethearts and hes my first and only love! I have a job and I have full access to his paychecks right now so my daughter is being well taken care of I just sent him a copy of her birth certificate so that she will be his dependent!  Everytime he calls me I just cant get the words out to tell him I know the whole truth! Right now he still thinks im in the dark about his ex and those other girls. And yes I got tested before he left for a STD and im good to go. I have a huge decision to make and I have no choice but to make it over the phone since he wont be home until Christmas!  Oh and I also found out he told his mom that I kicked him out and wouldn't let him see his daughter. Which is a complete lie since he left us and I was breastfeeding at the time but said he could come over whenever he wanted to and I even met him so that he could see her!

[Londres70]

Having full access to his paychecks isn't court-petitioned child support.  I would recommend getting that arranged before telling him the FULL truth of the matter.  I can imagine him cutting you completely off; ending your full access to his paychecks if you two aren't a couple.  At this point he is considering you two a couple.

It doesn't matter when the "back and forth" situation started.......it matters that it started and it is NEVER any good indication.

It might be better to tell him in a letter than over a phone in my opinion but AFTER child support is established.