Aa
I wanna change buuuuut then I dont.....
Me and this guy were on and off for 4yrs. He was my first everything and despite the fact that he was a player and a total jerk, i couldn't help but love him to death. When we decided to call it quits for what we thought was for good, I rebounded right away with a childhood friend and ended up breaking his heart repeatedly but unintentionally. I met a different guy in school who I fell head over heels for. We met while with my ex and got closer as time went on. But he was a total jerk too. Just like my ex. In between time is when I'd rebound and by that I mean lead nice guys on just to leave them for either of the two, my ex or the guy from school. I tend to go for the nice guys when I'm lonely and until The jerks come back around, I drop the nice guys in a heart beat. At the moment, both jerks are practically wrapped around my fingers but just this past weekend I was spending time with one of the nice guys. I wanna break this habit and stick to one of either of the jerks but I know how that always ends up which is why I keep the nice guys around. I know it sounds real bad. And no I'm not sleeping with any of them. But idk how else to handle this type of stuff. Suggestions?
Hi also, stick to what you are looking for in a man and dont compromise for various reasons. just keep shoping till you meed him. A few months of happyness is not worth a life time of misery.
My closest most dearest friend practically stabbed me on the back not to long ago. Other than that, I wasn't close to anyone like I was with her so that's kind of hard to do.
Yea. I see your point. I am not currently in therapy but I hope to go soon. I just haven't had the time and money.
Totally agree with the other posters.
Well.....Anxiety and MDD play a part in all this I am sure. That would explain the questionable decision making in regards to men.
Are you seeing a therapist as well? That would be ideal. She/he can further help you sort "Lynnsee" out. "You" should be your top priority at this time.
Well.....Anxiety and MDD play a part in all this I am sure. That would explain the questionable decision making in regards to men.
Are you seeing a therapist as well? That would be ideal. She/he can further help you sort "Lynnsee" out. "You" should be your top priority at this time.
As a matter of fact I do. Anxiety and mdd. I found out last April so almost a year ago. And I take 50mg of zoloft daily.
"I wanna break this habit and stick to one of either of the jerks but I know how that always ends up which is why I keep the nice guys around. I know it sounds real bad. And no I'm not sleeping with any of them. But idk how else to handle this type of stuff. Suggestions?"
Oh dear. Sounds very much like self sabotaging behavior IMO. I agree 100% with the above replies. You're right, it DOES sound "bad", bad for all involved, because the jerks are getting what they want, you're feeding into their egos, and they basically know that you're a "sure thing" (not just sexually speaking) at some point. You're also hurting yourself, and of course you're hurting the "nice guys"...like Londres said, they're basically pawns in your chess game of life. That's not fair, and it's obvious that you know that.
It's clear that the "jerks" are into the cat and mouse game, and I'd say you are too. That's pretty common, especially among young people who are still "on the prowl" so to speak. The reason you never stay with the nice guys IMO is because they're not a challenge. For whatever reason, you've become addicted to that roller coaster relationship, the ups and downs...a lot of people mistake that for "passion" when really it's just unnecessary drama.
I'll tell you that my ex (the last long term relationship I had before my hubby) and I had a similar relationship to the ones you describe with the "jerks". He wasn't a bad guy, and most of the time, he wasn't necessarily a "jerk", but we spent SO much time playing the cat and mouse game that when we realized we both HAD real feelings for each other, the stability of a commitment was boring, to BOTH of us.
I can remember feeling SO empowered and "proud" almost when it was MY turn to play hard ball, where I'd act cold, uninterested, and that always resulted in him eating out of my hand. He would then bend over backwards to "get" me, did he do that because he loved me and couldn't stand being without me? No. He did it because at that point, I was a challenge to him, something that needed conquered. And boy I'll tell you that those up and down moments made for some incredibly crazy intimate moments...remember that perceived "passion" I mentioned...oh yes. It was almost like I felt as though I was in a movie. That's basically what it is...fiction.
So, honey, I DO get it, and I remember feeling a lot like you, it almost felt like a "need", and I almost enjoyed the roller coaster ride, in a strange way. The idea of a safe, secure, stable relationship with a man who would give me his all sounded like the most BORING thing on the planet. Yawn....
UNTIL I actually FOUND that kind of relationship with my new BF (now husband). Is the cat and mouse game exciting? Sure it is, but I'll tell you that there's nothing better than having someone love you for YOU, not because they are trying to win the current round of tag. It's so nice to have that security, and a close bond with feelings that aren't shallow or superficial (or mainly sexual). I'd rather have a genuine relationship with TRUE feelings, a history and a deep bond than "excitement" any day.
Like the others said, this is really a YOU problem. There really may not be a solid answer as to WHY you seek out this kind of dysfunctional relationship, although I'll give you some places to look....
Years later, looking back and reflecting on the relationship I had with my ex, it was VERY clear to me that I was basically emotionally "needy", attention seeking in some ways, insecure, and the biggest issue?.... I didn't want to be ALONE. I wasn't comfortable being alone. I also think maturity plays into it a lot. As you grow and mature, different things become important to you, and you will seek out people places and things that DECREASE the stress and drama in your life, not add to it.
I commend you for being open and honest about this. I'm sure it wasn't easy to write, because (absolutely no offense intended), it makes you come off as being shallow, selfish and uncaring...especially considering that you have hurt some unsuspecting really nice guys over and over because that's part of the whole "game" you're playing with your emotions.
You go into these things FULLY aware of how they will turn out. That makes you kind of foolish, in that you're not trying to change a situation that obviously isn't healthy or reasonable, but also because you're hurting people who don't deserve to be hurt. Those nice guys have become collateral damage to you, and that's not okay. YOU don't want to be the person a guy talks about down the line....that "She screwed me over" discussion he will have with his friends? You're better than that, and you need to be kinder than that, to put it plainly. I sincerely don't mean any disrespect, and I know that some of the comments probably sting a little, but I KNOW I'm not telling you anything you weren't already aware of. I think that's precisely the reason you've posted about this again. At the end of the day, you don't feel good about yourself, because you're allowing others to use you, and you're turning around and using others.
I agree completely that you need to distance yourself from dating and guys completely for a while, MOST especially these "jerks". You REALLY need to end it, and stick with it, change your number if you have to. I know you say you don't really WANT to, but you really NEED to, and in the long run, it will be a million times better for everyone involved. You will move on and get over it, and after a while (not long), after you've distanced yourself from these toxic relationships, you will see them very much at face value, and realize that the emotional connection you THOUGHT was there, driving your behavior, wasn't a connection at all, but rather the thrill of the chase and everything that comes along with it.
Give yourself time to learn how to be OKAY with being alone. It won't be forever. If you can learn and grow from this, you'll be able to find a nice guy who you can have the most amazing relationship with. There are ways to make a more stable ho-hum "boring" relationship exciting and passionate too, that doesn't involve the pull and push of feelings. Also, once you've experienced that TRUE deep, sincere love, and stability, you'll realize that even if the same level of "passion" or excitement isn't there, that the trade off is WAY WAY better.
Best of luck to you!
Oh dear. Sounds very much like self sabotaging behavior IMO. I agree 100% with the above replies. You're right, it DOES sound "bad", bad for all involved, because the jerks are getting what they want, you're feeding into their egos, and they basically know that you're a "sure thing" (not just sexually speaking) at some point. You're also hurting yourself, and of course you're hurting the "nice guys"...like Londres said, they're basically pawns in your chess game of life. That's not fair, and it's obvious that you know that.
It's clear that the "jerks" are into the cat and mouse game, and I'd say you are too. That's pretty common, especially among young people who are still "on the prowl" so to speak. The reason you never stay with the nice guys IMO is because they're not a challenge. For whatever reason, you've become addicted to that roller coaster relationship, the ups and downs...a lot of people mistake that for "passion" when really it's just unnecessary drama.
I'll tell you that my ex (the last long term relationship I had before my hubby) and I had a similar relationship to the ones you describe with the "jerks". He wasn't a bad guy, and most of the time, he wasn't necessarily a "jerk", but we spent SO much time playing the cat and mouse game that when we realized we both HAD real feelings for each other, the stability of a commitment was boring, to BOTH of us.
I can remember feeling SO empowered and "proud" almost when it was MY turn to play hard ball, where I'd act cold, uninterested, and that always resulted in him eating out of my hand. He would then bend over backwards to "get" me, did he do that because he loved me and couldn't stand being without me? No. He did it because at that point, I was a challenge to him, something that needed conquered. And boy I'll tell you that those up and down moments made for some incredibly crazy intimate moments...remember that perceived "passion" I mentioned...oh yes. It was almost like I felt as though I was in a movie. That's basically what it is...fiction.
So, honey, I DO get it, and I remember feeling a lot like you, it almost felt like a "need", and I almost enjoyed the roller coaster ride, in a strange way. The idea of a safe, secure, stable relationship with a man who would give me his all sounded like the most BORING thing on the planet. Yawn....
UNTIL I actually FOUND that kind of relationship with my new BF (now husband). Is the cat and mouse game exciting? Sure it is, but I'll tell you that there's nothing better than having someone love you for YOU, not because they are trying to win the current round of tag. It's so nice to have that security, and a close bond with feelings that aren't shallow or superficial (or mainly sexual). I'd rather have a genuine relationship with TRUE feelings, a history and a deep bond than "excitement" any day.
Like the others said, this is really a YOU problem. There really may not be a solid answer as to WHY you seek out this kind of dysfunctional relationship, although I'll give you some places to look....
Years later, looking back and reflecting on the relationship I had with my ex, it was VERY clear to me that I was basically emotionally "needy", attention seeking in some ways, insecure, and the biggest issue?.... I didn't want to be ALONE. I wasn't comfortable being alone. I also think maturity plays into it a lot. As you grow and mature, different things become important to you, and you will seek out people places and things that DECREASE the stress and drama in your life, not add to it.
I commend you for being open and honest about this. I'm sure it wasn't easy to write, because (absolutely no offense intended), it makes you come off as being shallow, selfish and uncaring...especially considering that you have hurt some unsuspecting really nice guys over and over because that's part of the whole "game" you're playing with your emotions.
You go into these things FULLY aware of how they will turn out. That makes you kind of foolish, in that you're not trying to change a situation that obviously isn't healthy or reasonable, but also because you're hurting people who don't deserve to be hurt. Those nice guys have become collateral damage to you, and that's not okay. YOU don't want to be the person a guy talks about down the line....that "She screwed me over" discussion he will have with his friends? You're better than that, and you need to be kinder than that, to put it plainly. I sincerely don't mean any disrespect, and I know that some of the comments probably sting a little, but I KNOW I'm not telling you anything you weren't already aware of. I think that's precisely the reason you've posted about this again. At the end of the day, you don't feel good about yourself, because you're allowing others to use you, and you're turning around and using others.
I agree completely that you need to distance yourself from dating and guys completely for a while, MOST especially these "jerks". You REALLY need to end it, and stick with it, change your number if you have to. I know you say you don't really WANT to, but you really NEED to, and in the long run, it will be a million times better for everyone involved. You will move on and get over it, and after a while (not long), after you've distanced yourself from these toxic relationships, you will see them very much at face value, and realize that the emotional connection you THOUGHT was there, driving your behavior, wasn't a connection at all, but rather the thrill of the chase and everything that comes along with it.
Give yourself time to learn how to be OKAY with being alone. It won't be forever. If you can learn and grow from this, you'll be able to find a nice guy who you can have the most amazing relationship with. There are ways to make a more stable ho-hum "boring" relationship exciting and passionate too, that doesn't involve the pull and push of feelings. Also, once you've experienced that TRUE deep, sincere love, and stability, you'll realize that even if the same level of "passion" or excitement isn't there, that the trade off is WAY WAY better.
Best of luck to you!
You need to find out what YOU are doing that keeps landing You in these situations - YOU are the common denominator
I think it best You not date at all for the time being - spend time with YourSelf, gain insight about YourSelf
I'm glad to know You haven't been sleeping with any of them. I'm old school and I think it's never good to "sleep" around with BoyFriends - Save that for Love Making and Making Love with that Special SomeOne who we plan to spend our lives with.
GoodLuck
I think it best You not date at all for the time being - spend time with YourSelf, gain insight about YourSelf
I'm glad to know You haven't been sleeping with any of them. I'm old school and I think it's never good to "sleep" around with BoyFriends - Save that for Love Making and Making Love with that Special SomeOne who we plan to spend our lives with.
GoodLuck
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Well, I think you are on track by NOT dating anyone right now. You mention school--- throw yourself into that. Hang out with good friends, have a fun time, do AWESOME at school and all of this puts you in a better position to know who you are and what you want when you start dating. Then down the road when you date again--- go out with lots of different types of guys. Not the usual 'type' you go out with now. Pick a studious guy, a funny guy, an athletic jock kind of guy, a musician, etc. And the VERY FIRST time they are displaying jerk behavior--- end the date, don't go out with them again, period. No second guessing yourself or giving other chances. Have a very high standard for yourself and don't be afraid to ditch a guy easily. Dating is for that purpose.
The other problem a lot of people have is that don't really date. They go out and decide someone is their boyfriend and that's it. For a REALLY long time, you should JUST be dating. Getting to know things about that person and being ready to leave them if you don't like it. Lots of people want to skip that part and just be in a relationship right away when they've just started dating someone.
But for now, don't date and work on you!
The other problem a lot of people have is that don't really date. They go out and decide someone is their boyfriend and that's it. For a REALLY long time, you should JUST be dating. Getting to know things about that person and being ready to leave them if you don't like it. Lots of people want to skip that part and just be in a relationship right away when they've just started dating someone.
But for now, don't date and work on you!
"But idk how else to handle this type of stuff. Suggestions?".......
Well.....
Lynnsee, I think you need to take a break from ALL guys/men and work on Lynnsee. It's like you are addicted to having a man in your life at ALL times and at all costs when in reality it is NOT a necessity to have a man in your life. It seems it doesn't matter if they are compatible or not for you.
Secondly, there is something wrong with your judgement in regards to choosing men to have relationships with. You are choosing to be in relationships with men whom you know aren't a good match for you pretty early on in the relationship AND rebounding with this and that guy without having a break. You proceed knowing these relationships are mismatched relationships until one day it crashes and burns. Sounds like all your relationships were doomed from day #1.......dead-end and will never progress. Doesn't make any difference if they are nice or not nice if they aren't compatible with you.
"At the moment, both jerks are practically wrapped around my fingers but just this past weekend I was spending time with one of the nice guys. I wanna break this habit and stick to one of either of the jerks but I know how that always ends up which is why I keep the nice guys around. I know it sounds real bad.".......Well, it sounds "bad" because it is "bad." Why not let all of them go? That would be fair and that sounds "good" and the proper thing to do. The goal isn't to see how many jerks you can "wrap around your fingers" waiting for you while you are seeing the "nice" guys whom you hope will CHANGE you. This is NO game dear, however, you are treating men as if they were "pawns" in a chess game.
I am not sure if your childhood past played into this, i.e. an absent father, an abusive father or a father who didn't offer you attention OR perhaps that 4 year old off and on relationship threw you in the wrong direction, but you need to get a HANDLE on this and drop the men and just focus on being single for a while until you sort "you" out.
This is a Lynnsee thing for sure. Work on YOU. This may take time to figure out and you may even need the help of a therapist (highly recommended).
May I ask do you struggle with any psych or emotional issues at this time, i.e. anxiety, depression, ADHD, ADD, etc.
Well.....
Lynnsee, I think you need to take a break from ALL guys/men and work on Lynnsee. It's like you are addicted to having a man in your life at ALL times and at all costs when in reality it is NOT a necessity to have a man in your life. It seems it doesn't matter if they are compatible or not for you.
Secondly, there is something wrong with your judgement in regards to choosing men to have relationships with. You are choosing to be in relationships with men whom you know aren't a good match for you pretty early on in the relationship AND rebounding with this and that guy without having a break. You proceed knowing these relationships are mismatched relationships until one day it crashes and burns. Sounds like all your relationships were doomed from day #1.......dead-end and will never progress. Doesn't make any difference if they are nice or not nice if they aren't compatible with you.
"At the moment, both jerks are practically wrapped around my fingers but just this past weekend I was spending time with one of the nice guys. I wanna break this habit and stick to one of either of the jerks but I know how that always ends up which is why I keep the nice guys around. I know it sounds real bad.".......Well, it sounds "bad" because it is "bad." Why not let all of them go? That would be fair and that sounds "good" and the proper thing to do. The goal isn't to see how many jerks you can "wrap around your fingers" waiting for you while you are seeing the "nice" guys whom you hope will CHANGE you. This is NO game dear, however, you are treating men as if they were "pawns" in a chess game.
I am not sure if your childhood past played into this, i.e. an absent father, an abusive father or a father who didn't offer you attention OR perhaps that 4 year old off and on relationship threw you in the wrong direction, but you need to get a HANDLE on this and drop the men and just focus on being single for a while until you sort "you" out.
This is a Lynnsee thing for sure. Work on YOU. This may take time to figure out and you may even need the help of a therapist (highly recommended).
May I ask do you struggle with any psych or emotional issues at this time, i.e. anxiety, depression, ADHD, ADD, etc.
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